9 Types Of Mom I Swore I’d Never Be

Five years into parenthood and sometimes I still feel like I’m getting to know myself as a mother. But the truth is, who I am as a mother is fluid. It’s ever-changing and often situational. I’ve morphed into so many different versions of myself at different points in my parental journey: most of which, I swore I’d never be. Some of it is regrettable, just part of the unending learning experience that is parenthood. But while pre-kids I would’ve thought ”I’d die before I’d do x,y,z,” now it’s more like, oh well, just another day in the life!

Here’s just a few of the moms I’ve been that I swore I’d never be and have somehow turned into…

The Broken Record Mom

Small children are rarely patient. So when you find yourself in a situation that requires even a small amount of waiting, Broken Record Mom is bound to come out. She’s annoying, she’s desperate and she makes everyone in the vicinity grind their teeth as she repeats the same two or three phrases over and over to her non-listening kids. I became this mom recently while at the doctors office when what I thought would be a fifteen minute visit for a baby to get a nose swab turned out to be about 1.5 hours. As I repeated ”Get off the floor” to my 4-year-old at least 7000 times and the receptionist’s stare lingered a little longer with every utterance, all I could think of was Will Ferrell in front of a grill yelling “GET OFF THE SHED!” Anyone?

The Zombie Mom

I certainly had my fair share of staying up all night before I had kids. The only difference is that when you don’t have kids, there’s bound to come an opportunity to sleep and sleep long and hard. Now as the mother of two kids, one of whom is an infant who hates sleep, staying up all night happens a couple of times a week, but there is never, I mean never, an opportunity to reclaim those lost hours of rest. It piles on and on and on until I am missing events, canceling plans and having excessively TMI conversations with the cashier at the grocery store.

The Helicopter Mom

Before preschool, I swore I’d be out the door in a flash, not one of those parents lingering around the hallway for twenty minutes. Hell no! Hello, I’ve got shit to do. But the very first time the waterworks started up just as I was about to make my escape, somehow I felt like the worst mom on the planet. I definitely wasted quite a few mornings traipsing by the classroom door making sure everything was okay instead of driving my pathetic ass home.

The Mom Who Wants To Talk About Birth

Oh I’m sorry. You didn’t want to know about my birth? Everyone doesn’t love talking about birth? But.. it’s BIRTH. HUMAN CREATION. Empowering”¦ amazing”¦ life affirming”¦ shit, I’m doing it again”¦

The Free-Range Mom

I don’t want to say I’m this kind of mom on the regular, but let’s just say, it’s definitely in the rotation. I’m not sure if it’s 100% my parental choice, but I like to at least pretend that it is. My older child is often found roaming around outside while I’m in the house, utterly oblivious. Hey, we have a fenced in yard. Plus, it fosters confidence and independence! And really, well, I just needed to put in the laundry, or change a diaper, and didn’t realize she peaced out until I heard the neighbor say “Hi Piper!” And I was like, ”oh… crap.”

The Pinterest Mom

We’ll probably never have the best party on the block. Well, maybe when my kids turn 18 and tell me they’re finally moving out. I’ll pinterest this place UP for that shit. But listen – some cakes are too cute not to make. I can’t say it’ll look (or taste) exactly like the cake on pinterest but I like to bake from time to time and there’s just too many clever people to not piggyback off of and claim the ideas as my own. Also, crafts. Preschoolers need shit to do and I’m just not that creative and never will be. Don’t hate on Pinterest Mom for being an overachiever. She’s really just a big old copycat.

The Does She Ever Wear Real Pants? Mom

To answer that question, no- she doesn’t. They don’t fit. But I’m cool with it! I’m in the prime of my parenting life! Which means I never sleep, rarely workout and guzzle coffee and red wine for fuel. But it’s 2015 and practically everyone’s a yogi. So yoga pants are practically real pants then, right?

The Slob Mom

Let’s just say, ”the neat freak mom” would never make it on this list in a million years. Spit up on my non-pants-pants? No big deal. Macaroni in my hair? Don’t care. Slob mom ain’t got time for that.

The Complaining Mom

Yup. Been that. Specifically, on social media and in the form of blog posts. But as a writer, WTF else am I supposed to write about if not things I’m displeased with? I’ll happily listen to your complaints, too. Relish in them even. The good thing about the complaining mom is that misery likes company, so find me on Facebook and complain away. I won’t shoot ya down. And I definitely won’t tell you to stop complaining and enjoy motherhood more.

(Photo: Shutterstock)