When I had a miscarriage at nine weeks, I was devastated. But I was also TOTALLY WEIRDED OUT.

What’s that? You want me to take a pregnancy test to confirm the miscarriage? Sure, why not throw a little salt into the wound of the grieving lady! And hey, what’s that word you keep throwing around to describe the baby I lost? “Products of conception”? Worst. Clinical. Term. Ever.  

With that in mind, here a few things things nobody tells you about miscarriage that I wish I’d known to expect when I headed into miscarriage-twilight-land.

1. Chubby McChubbykins

No one tells you about miscarriage

You will suddenly be Chubby McChubbykins and have no clothes to wear and hell no you aren’t putting on those maternity pants.

2. You might find yourself literally walking around Target while having a miscarriage.

Target clap

Congratulations for surviving the most awkward Target run ever.

It turns out that if you don’t have a medical procedure you will experience the world’s longest, saddest period. Expelling the products of conception is process, not a single event. So, you just might find yourself in Target, trying to determine the cheapest paper towels that retain that handy perforation feature, and it will hit you: Hello fellow shoppers, I am standing in Target while having a miscarriage. You might shed some tears. And then laugh at the absurdity of it all. Keep moving folks. Nothing to see here. Just a lady losing her mind. 

3. You have to take a freaking pregnancy test. 

are you fucking kidding me

Is this real life?  You have to take a pregnancy test to confirm that you are no longer pregnant. AS IF YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW. This is officially the worst pregnancy test you have ever taken.

4. You can’t have sex for a while because you have to make sure your cervix is freaking closed.

snuggie

Trust me, this won’t be a problem. You won’t be ready for a trip to funky town for a while. I think I’ll just hole up on the couch with some knitting, thank-you-very-much.  If there was ever a good time to wear your Snuggie, it would be now.

5. Your partner will be ready for a trip to funky town way before you are. This one wrote itself, didn’t it?

confused gif

I’m gonna have to pass. Plus, my cervix isn’t closed yet! (WTF)

 6. You will be sadder than you expect for longer than you expect.

200w_d (8)

But I promise, you will be OK. Take all the hugs you can get.

7. You’ll get by with a little help from your friends.  

giphy-downsized

I was blown away by the outpouring of love from family and friends. I ended up having a beautiful and intimate conversation with my mother-in-law about her own miscarriage nearly thirty-five years agoAnd then I received a beautiful gift from a dear friend who sent me a small statue of Jizo, the Buddhist patron saint who guards and protects the unborn, miscarried, aborted, or stillborn. Sniff, I think I have something in my eye. 

Know what else? It’s tradition for grievers to knit a little sweater for their Jizo statue. Yep, you heard me right. Time to put on that snuggie, eat some cheese and get to work knitting—and healing.

Sending love and understanding to all of you who have also been touched by miscarriage — it’s a shitty club to be a part of.

(Image: iStock / Rawpixel Ltd)