It’s a sad fact: even while the Interne composes paeans to the idea of the “dad bod”, “mom bod” will never be accepted in the same way. With summer coming, many of us are dreading the prospect of getting those mom bodies ready for swimsuits and sundresses. So if you’re worried, here are just a few easy steps to get your post-baby mom-body ready for the beach.
Step 1: Locate a beach to take your body to.
This is very important, as one cannot have a “beach body” unless one is in fact on a beach. In a pinch, a public pool or waterslide will do as well. Taking your body to one of these places does not technically make it a “beach body”, but it is an acceptable substitute. If all else fails, you may stand in the yard and turn on the garden hose, but you are on thin beach-body ice.
Step 2: Look in a mirror.
Are you a material entity with a realized physical existence? Do you possess a body and preferably sentience as well? If you do not actually exist in some variety of corporal form (i.e. you are a ghost/wraith/abstract concept), you cannot get your body ready for the beach, as you have no body. I’m sorry. Please don’t haunt me.
Step 3: Put a swimsuit on your body.
This is assuming you care to get wet or engage in an erotic beach-volleyball scene à la Top Gun. Swimsuits are not obligatory. If you would like to wear a swimsuit, but cannot find one to fit you, you can try wearing sturdy underwear and a t-shirt. If underwear and a t-shirt are also not a viable option, go back to step 1 with the added revision that you must locate a nude beach to take your body to. If you do have something to wear, but someone tells you it makes you look fat/shows too much cellulite/puts your stretch marks on display, destroy him and use his skin to make a new, even more flattering swimsuit.
Step 4: Stretch.
Specifically, stretch the middle fingers on each hand. In anyone suggests that your body anything less than “beach ready”, you will need these ready to deploy at a moment’s notice.
Step 5: Transport your body to the beach.
Recommended mode of transport: a beautiful pegasus flying a banner him that reads “SUCK MY STRETCH MARKS, A-HOLES”. Failing that, you may drive, take the bus, bike, or hitchhike. If you cannot find a pegasus, do not attempt to ride a unicorn, as they are notoriously picky about rules for passengers.
Step 6 (Optional): Enjoy the beach.
By merely being at the beach, you have achieved a beach body. Congratulations! Enjoyment is not mandatory, especially if you have only accomplished your beach body to humor other family members or friends — the beach can be hot, crowded, and for some unpleasant reason always seems to be full of sand. You are not obligated to have a good time there. You are also not obligated to cram a hot dog up the nose of anybody who tries to prevent you from enjoying yourself by criticizing your appearance — but you are highly, highly encouraged to do so.
(Image: apomares / iStock / Getty)