6 Easy Steps To Get Your ‘Mom Bod’ Ready For The Beach This Summer
Step 1: Locate a beach to take your body to.
This is very important, as one cannot have a “beach body” unless one is in fact on a beach. In a pinch, a public pool or waterslide will do as well. Taking your body to one of these places does not technically make it a “beach body”, but it is an acceptable substitute. If all else fails, you may stand in the yard and turn on the garden hose, but you are on thin beach-body ice.
Step 2: Look in a mirror.
Are you a material entity with a realized physical existence? Do you possess a body and preferably sentience as well? If you do not actually exist in some variety of corporal form (i.e. you are a ghost/wraith/abstract concept), you cannot get your body ready for the beach, as you have no body. I’m sorry. Please don’t haunt me.
Step 3: Put a swimsuit on your body.
This is assuming you care to get wet or engage in an erotic beach-volleyball scene à la Top Gun. Swimsuits are not obligatory. If you would like to wear a swimsuit, but cannot find one to fit you, you can try wearing sturdy underwear and a t-shirt. If underwear and a t-shirt are also not a viable option, go back to step 1 with the added revision that you must locate a nude beach to take your body to. If you do have something to wear, but someone tells you it makes you look fat/shows too much cellulite/puts your stretch marks on display, destroy him and use his skin to make a new, even more flattering swimsuit.
Step 4: Stretch.
Specifically, stretch the middle fingers on each hand. In anyone suggests that your body anything less than “beach ready”, you will need these ready to deploy at a moment’s notice.
Step 5: Transport your body to the beach.
Recommended mode of transport: a beautiful pegasus flying a banner him that reads “SUCK MY STRETCH MARKS, A-HOLES”. Failing that, you may drive, take the bus, bike, or hitchhike. If you cannot find a pegasus, do not attempt to ride a unicorn, as they are notoriously picky about rules for passengers.
Step 6 (Optional): Enjoy the beach.
By merely being at the beach, you have achieved a beach body. Congratulations! Enjoyment is not mandatory, especially if you have only accomplished your beach body to humor other family members or friends — the beach can be hot, crowded, and for some unpleasant reason always seems to be full of sand. You are not obligated to have a good time there. You are also not obligated to cram a hot dog up the nose of anybody who tries to prevent you from enjoying yourself by criticizing your appearance — but you are highly, highly encouraged to do so.
(Image: apomares / iStock / Getty)