Plans are the bane of my existence. I have so many plans! Write that novel. Do that laundry. Take an online course. Pick up the kid from daycare. But in the back of my heart, I know that I am not actually going to do those things. Plans are meant to be broken, but to get away with it and still have friends to talk to online, you’ll need a good excuse.
Here are 10 foolproof excuses for getting out of plans.
I already took my bra off.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that bras suck. There’s no feeling in the world as good as getting home at the end of the day and taking your bra off. Anybody who expects you to put it on again and leave the house after all that is an obvious sociopath.
I am under house arrest
The only flaw in this excuse is that people keep insisting on asking what you are under house arrest for. Make up something sexy and interesting, like international diamond smuggling, or diamond counterfeiting, or having a house full of tigers. Anything involving diamonds and/or exotic animals is good.
There’s a puppy asleep on me
When a puppy or cat falls asleep on you, it is against the Geneva Convention to disrupt its sleep by standing up. Your friends will understand, especially if you send a picture. (Fortunately for all of us, the Internet is full of pictures of sleeping puppies with which to lie to our friends.)
Kim Kardashian says one of the best things about being married to Kanye West is that she always has an excuse not to do things she doesn’t want to do. In an interview with Seth Meyers, she said that whenever she doesn’t want to do something or work with somebody, she just gives an apologetic shrug and says, “Kanye.” Kanye West is known for being a bit passionate and mercurial, so when she shrugs and says, “Kanye,” everyone just assumes he said no because they have to go start a smoothie chain, or they’re going to go live in the Biosphere for six months, or they’re going to do Teach for America or something. It really is the perfect excuse. In fact, it’s so perfect, I think it would work for the rest of us, even though we’re not married to Kanye West.
Next time someone wants you to do something, try shrugging apologetically and blaming it on Kanye West.
“Liz, can you write two extra posts this weekend?”
“Sorry. (Apologetic shrug) Kanye.”
“Oh hell, not again. Well, let me know when you’re free.”
I am waiting on a Blue Apron delivery
When someone is bringing you a very expensive box full of food (and maybe even wine) you stay home until it arrives. The only drawback to this one is that they might come over and expect you to cook for them.
I have Dance Fever and it is contagious
Warning: This could backfire. Do not use if there is a chance your friends also have Dance Fever.
I just started watching ‘The Great British Bake-Off’
This is both a perfect excuse for not going out, and a perfect thing to do instead of going out. Just pull down your shades, pour a glass of wine, and watch GBBO for the next four years.
The sanctimommy I hate-follow on Instagram is having drama
You can’t be expected to interact with the real world when a person you love to hate is publicly losing her shit because MomofBoys1776 just stole her #Blessed kale smoothie recipe. (Blessed Kale is also the name of her kid.)
I’m giving up alcohol for January
See you in February!