How did people ever parent before the Internet existed? It’s amazing that we ever survived as a species without a convenient venue for know-it-alls to share their opinions with people who didn’t ask for them.
Here are 10 of the know-it-all comments parents will have a good laugh about this week.
“I side-eye all parents who have their kids out after 7. Those kids should be in bed and asleep!”
Oh, honey. Please say that to a lady whose kid hasn’t slept more than a 2-hour stretch since they were born. And do you know something really weird? The single hardest time to get a kid to fall asleep is when they’re too tired. Holy shit, kids are poorly designed. Why won’t you sleep, baby?
“I read somewhere that kids whose mothers don’t work are better than those who do.”/”Check out this article about how kids whose mothers work are better.”
You’re getting whichever of these is about how the opposite of what you are doing is better than what you are doing, and it is probably coming in the form of an email forward, or maybe a clipped-out article from a newspaper sent through the actual mail.
“Breast is best! And also nobody should ever have to see one unless it’s in a Carl’s Jr. ad.”
Tell me more about how formula is the devil and babies must only be breastfed, but breastfeeding in public should never happen because female nipples are basically tiny Medusa heads that turn everyone who sees them to stone.
Never mind, don’t tell me about that. Babies have to eat and are not under house arrest, so sometimes a nipple will come out in public. Nobody will turn to stone. If it offends you, do what I do when I see ugly pants and just look away.
“There should be a child-free section of the airplane”
I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at the idea that a commercial airline would do anything for the comfort of its customers without charging an extreme premium for it. If there were child-free and child-friendly sections of the airplane, that would be great. It’d also be great if flying were still nice and the seats didn’t get smaller every year to the point that toddlers are the only people who can comfortably fit in a single seat and they didn’t charge $150 to sit in the section with six inches of legroom. But you know and I know that airlines are money-grubbing, comfort-oblivious sociopaths. They’re already charging $20 for a stale sub sandwich and $50 to check a bag and there’s no room in the overhead because that’s where they put the passengers they overbooked from an earlier flight this morning. Do you think the child-free zone of the airplane that you’re proposing will be free? Do you think the seat you are in now will be in that section? No, the child-free seat will be a kabillion dollars extra. Maybe they’ll ban children from first class someday, or create special kid-friendly airplane cabins, but as it is, we had best get used to the fact that we’re on a flying Grayhound bus, with less comfortable bathroom facilities.
“Photos of babies eating are so gross.”
I am with you, unless you just posted a photo of your dog’s menstrual smear. If you just did that, then you and the potty-training poster are both my enemies.
“Participation trophies ruined everybody between the ages of four and 36, and that’s the trouble with America.”
Dear old dudes: You are the people who bought the trophies! I did not call the trophy store and order a box of trophies for my third-grade swimming meet. I also do not know a single person who wanted a participation trophy. They were just cluttering junk in our rooms. Kids know which trophies are the good trophies and which trophies are the dumb shit nobody cares about. Participation trophies didn’t ruin anything, except maybe our ability to open emails from our dads without fearing a rant about participation trophies.
Now it’s 30 years later and we’re all getting chain letters about how previous generations didn’t wear bike helmets and stayed out late and were better than us, and those chain letters are coming from the very people who made us wear bike helmets and wouldn’t let us stay out late.
“Aren’t you supposed to not be drinking coffee while pregnant?”
Oh, honey. If you just caffeine-shamed a pregnant lady before she’s had her morning coffee, I’m going to laugh, but you’d better run before she eats you and turns your skin into a Moby wrap.
Pregnant ladies are not without access to Google and doctors and medical advice. Pregnant ladies are grown women who are capable of knowing how much caffeine they can drink, and how much caffeine is in every soda, coffee, tea, and chocolate bar in the store. They know more than you.
“Children should not be allowed to use electronic devices in the car.”
You try entertaining yourself during a 6-hour car ride when you’re strapped into a safety pod and can’t move or see anything except the back of a chair. Also you can’t read and are several years away from being able to play “I Spy.”
“Children should not be allowed to use electronic devices at the table.”
Why don’t we take this one up between you and all the other people at this Red Robin. Do they want to see what’s going to happen when you take a cranky toddler’s surprise egg videos away? I don’t think they do.
“Aren’t you worried that not adhering to traditional postwar gender norms will turn your kid gay?”
No, and fuck you. Boys can wear makeup. Girls can wear dinosaur pajamas. You can’t turn someone gay, and there’s nothing wrong with being gay.