President Obama Pardons National Thanksgiving Turkey

In a story that honestly sounds like a sick joke, we have a Kenyan lawyer who has been pining for Malia Obama since the 2008 election when she was only nine years old (hence, the sick part) and wants to make her his wife. In exchange, he is offering President Obama and the First Lady a dowry of several farm animals. Yes, he is serious. No, I cannot even.

I am not mocking Kenyan wedding traditions. I know this is their way of life and I do not judge it. I am mocking the ridiculousness of anyone thinking they can purchase the teenage daughter of the American president as his bride. From CNN:

Felix Kiprono, a lawyer in Nairobi, Kenya, has his eye on someone special: President Obama’s daughter Malia.

His offer to win her hand? Fifty cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats.

“People might say I am after the family’s money, which is not the case. My love is real,” he told the Nairobian newspaper.

Nah, dude. The money thing is not at all what people will gripe about. It’s the fact that you “fell” for a 9-year old child and have been obsessing ever since.

Moreover, he adds, he’s been faithful to his beloved since he first became aware of her.

“I got interested in her in 2008,” he said. “As a matter of fact, I haven’t dated anyone since and promise to be faithful to her. I have shared this with my family and they are willing to help me raise the bride price.”

I’m sorry, but is he delusional? Well, he definitely could be. This gives me the shivers so badly. The idea of someone half a world away saving himself for a child is positively disgusting. The fact that she happens to be the daughter of our President just makes this slightly more odd. Honestly, why would anyone in any culture find this acceptable? She was a kid in 2008 and she’s still a minor now. No grown man should have his sights set on her, that’s repulsive.

Kiprono is apparently working on a letter stating his offer to send to his local U.S. Embassy. I bet it’ll go over like a fart in church. God, this whole thing is so creepy. I’m sure the President and First Lady expected a certain amount of weirdo behavior or gestures in regard to their beautiful daughters when he took the presidency but this sort of thing was probably not on their radar.

The First Daughters of our nation are beautiful, poised, intelligent young women and I’m sure I speak for many Americans when I say I am immensely proud that they represent our country as part of the First Family. I’m very glad they are safe here in Washington D.C. and that there’s zero chance their parents would agree to anything this outlandish. Hopefully, this man will find a woman over the age of 18 to offer his dowry to.

(Image: GettyImages)