harryA mom going by the name “proudhousewife” on FanFiction.net is rewriting the Harry Potter books so that they’re all about Christianity. “Do you want your little ones to read books; and they want to read the Harry Potter Books; but you do not want them to turn into witches?,” reads her bio. “Well-this is the story for you!” I guess those of us who DO want our kids to turn into witches should just kept reading the regular old Potter books and hope for the best.

Her story, Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, is indeed for you if you like scintillating, creationist-filled dialogue like this:

“What is a Christian?” Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

“Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

The worst part about the story – you know, after the whole ‘rewrite it to be Christian’ thing – is that it’s stripped of all the most thrilling parts. For example, instead of heading down to Platform 9 3/4 and taking the Hogwarts Express, Harry and Hagrid just pray their way to school.

“How will we get to this school, Hagrid?” Harry queried curiously.

“We will pray,” Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.

“How do we do that?” Harry solicited inquisitively.

“Watch,” Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, “Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!”

 

First off, this is just straight up BORING. And if the whole point of rewriting Potter as Christian is to avoid wizardry, what’s more magical than praying your way into places?! That’s way creepier than anything Harry and friends do IRL. To make matters worse, Hermione, one of the best female characters in modern fiction, is now Dumbledore’s daughter (ew) and a milquetoast shadow of her former bad-ass self.

Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, “Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!”

As Harry moves through Hogwarts the different groups try to recruit him to their particular house of Christianity. The Slytherins are Mary-worshiping Catholics, the Hufflepuffs are super chill liberal Christians, and the Ravenclaws – lead by Draco – are just misogynist dicks. (As opposed to Harry, who’s a kind misogynist with backward beliefs from the 1820s.)

“Please, ignore this fool,” Draco drawled smugly. “Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she’s a woman; and women are stupid.”

Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!

“Women shouldn’t not have careers because women are stupid!” Harry shouted indignantly. “Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!”

The first six chapters of Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles is so perfectly executed it feels like satire. The story has already made it onto Reddit and most of the 1100 comments on FF.net are either truly horrified or applauding the comedy. There’s no way this can be real, right? Like, even Kirk Cameron would find this hysterical? If there’s any truth to the story it’s this: there are many Christians who believe the Potter books to be evil, and often popular culture is rewritten to give it a religious spin (like these Auto-B-Good videos, which is essentially Christian Cars). So even if this started out as a spoof, you never know when some parent might pick it up and, blegh, enjoy it. To them I say: just let your kids read the real thing. There is no greater crime than denying them the magic of getting lost in a book. And if you’re worried about them turning into wizards, well, wizards are f*cking awesome. We should all be praying for that to happen.

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