STFU Parents: Finding Solidarity With Irritated Parents On Facebook

Today, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: It gets old defending children on the internet. I know what you’re thinking, “But you don’t defend children on the internet! You talk trash about them!” Not exactly. You see, STFU, Parents is about mocking and scrutinizing parents, not their children, and I often hear myself saying things like, “I have lots of parents friends, and I myself want to have kids someday. I LOVE BABIES, OKAY!” when fielding criticisms of the blog. It’s not that I feel the need to ascribe to a certain way of life; it’s just that I get frustrated when people ask me questions like, “Why do you hate babies so much?” or declare, “I’m not going to stop posting cute pictures of my kid a few times a week just because you think it’s annoying!” I never said that I hate babies (I don’t), and the purpose of “STFU, Parents” is not to say, “Your friends don’t want to see pictures of your child, so don’t post them.” I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to reassure people that posting occasional (meaning fewer than 10 a day) photos of their kids online is fine, and that most people, including me, enjoy seeing them.

But you know what? It’s hard to toe that line and repeatedly exclaim my love of children, because the truth is, until I have children of my own, they ARE kind of annoying. It’s not that I get irritated by any kids in particular; I don’t privately despise my niece or nephews, or hate all children who are within a certain age range. And I do enjoy seeing my friends’ cute photos on Facebook. It’s just the way kids are that gets under my skin, and I’m never really in a position to complain about them myself, lest I be (even more) known as a child-hating wench who runs an anti-kid website. Typically, I’m able to ignore a baby’s screams on long flights, or make my way past parents pushing massive double-wide strollers along my narrow Brooklyn street without incident. I pay no mind to the dozens of shrieking, ear-piercing middle schoolers who walk past my office window every day when school lets out. I even try to conceal my intense anger at the little girl who lives next door and insists on loudly playing in our shared backyard at 6:30a.m. when I’m normally sleeping. (As a childless freelancer, I tend to work late and sleep past 7a.m. I know, I know — how spoiled and selfish am I?!)

But it’s not easy being this breezy. In fact, sometimes I have to admit it out loud: Kids are charming, adorable, life-enriching brats. Over the years, one of the few things that’s helped me feel better in this realm is realizing that many parents share my sentiment. I light up inside when I get a new Mom’s Gold Star submission that suggests that some parents can’t stand kids, either — whether it’s their own kids, their friends’ kids, or every tiny tot they see around town. Sure, there are a lot of childfree STFU, Parents readers who identify with that feeling, as well, but somehow it’s only when the parents express it that I really feel better about my own grievances. I like knowing that I can discreetly roll my eyes at other people’s children and anticipate they might feel the same way.

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With that in mind, I put together some of my favorite examples of parents letting down the happy facade. These aren’t just parents who joke around using old clichés like “Kids for sale! Get ‘em at a bargain!” or “Having a toddler is like living in a frat house!” No, these are parents who have allowed themselves to be brutally honest about parenting with no guilt, shame, or remorse. They have very little patience for children, sometimes on a regular basis, and that is because kids are annoying. FACT.

Let’s check out some examples.

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    • Kelly

      Love. I like to use humor to talk about the crappy parts of having a child. It allows me to complain without being a woe is me Mom. I want these people as my friends. Some people look at me aghast when I say these things but then I know that we can’t be good friends.

      • Linzon

        Dark parenting humor is also my gauge for if I can be friends with someone. If I can’t joke I cry instead and nobody wants a play date with that.

      • Kelly

        My motto has always been to laugh so I don’t cry. It is the only way I make it through life.

      • JJ

        And I love parents like this and like you. My own friend has two little ones and when she’s not with them if she is just hanging out with me she’s like, “my toddler was an ass hole this morning. I love him but he was driving me nuts”. And I love the honesty. And as you say the complaining but in a funny, understanding way not in a woe is mom is kind of way. I agree when I see people gasp at these kind of comments and follow it up with bullshit like “treasure every moment with your child, every single moment” I just want to laugh and laugh. That is a signal right there I am not going to be best friends with that person because they wouldn’t last a day around me or my other friends.

      • ted3553

        For me it comes down to being able to be honest about life. My husband is an ahole sometimes, my kids are sometimes, I hate my job some days, loved being able to have a baby but did not enjoy being pregnant etc. I love all of those things (except being pregnant) but it doesn’t mean they are perfect all day every day and we should be able to be honest about it.

      • brebay

        See, I thought that was the whole point of having parents. That you would have at least 2 (or 1) people who would always love you and be on your side, no matter how annoying you are or how big an asshole you can be. That’s why I hate parents who try to be “the friend mom.” Friends will probably drop your ass if you’re an annoying asshole.

      • brebay

        Oh yes, I like the “live every day with your child like it was your last.” Okay, If I’m dying tomorrow, I probably wouldn’t send my kids to school today, or make them do any chores. I’d order pizza and a side of second pizza and chocolate-chip cookie dessert pizza and as much pop as they wanted, and watch cartoons with them curled up in my death bed all day. Sounds workable. “Last Day of the World Parenting: The Hot New Parenting Trend You Have to Try!”

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        I love when people ask me if I’m going to keep my daughter home with me when I’m on my mat leave. I’m honest about the fact that if I were to try, she’d be out for sale within a week. Also, given that she’s blonde-haired, blue-eyed and has slender, dexterous fingers, I could get a great price for her. I’m sure that’s not as funny the dozenth time I’ve said it, but…

    • Valerie

      I just put funny anecdotes about my nutty kids on Facebook. I figure that way, no one thinks I’m complaining or #blessed. And sorry, but my kids are very effing funny.

      • dzymzlzy

        The vast majority are hilarious if you have a sense of humor. And sometimes distance. And time.

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        I do the same thing. Whenever Face does something annoying, I’m like, “How can I turn this negative into a positive? Oh, I’ll make it seem funny and then put it on Facebook!”

        You didn’t think I meant positive discipline, did you? Because there’s no entertainment value in that.

      • dzymzlzy

        My two year old recently saw a picture of a manatee and said, “you have the same butt!” I couldn’t come up with a better insult if I tried. Posting on FB was my first thought before I even caught my breath from laughing.

      • Rowan

        Oh the hu-manatee!

      • brebay

        My precious angel tossed me a “Your hands look like you’re an old lady, but not your face…except those things under your eyes.” Okay dude, tap out, you’re done.

    • Valerie

      Okkkkkkaaayyyy. I’m going to be an asshole here and just point out…kids are people too! Shocking. I know. They only difference between a crying kid and some whiny ass woman complaining about her sleep, is that the woman is going to treated more considerately. Why is that? Because we accept that a grown woman has feelings, but kids? Well they are little and should just shut the hell up! Am I right? But wait a tick, kids are totally people too and have a right to their feelings (good/bad/batshit crazy) as much as we taller people do. I have no issues with anyone who has blind hatred or who just doesnt really like kids much, but if you were to exchange “kids” with ohhhh say…I just cant stand black/asian/hispanic/white people, that kinda comes off as…well totally racists for one, but also just ignorant. Kindness, empathy and just fucking self control are important for all people, parents and not. Kids have a hard time sometimes. We all do. Perhaps we can take a step back from our oh so important lives and just make some room for kindness? And yes, its hard being a kind, loving, empathetic and self regulated adult, but you know, if someone had taken the time to treat you as a human being, worthy of attention, respect and love, dont you think you’d just react better? Hell, you’d probably grow up to be a pretty cool person who actually treats others with the same respect shown to you? People who complain about how much their kids suck or whatever negative thing they say, is pretty ironic in my mind because your kid just learns their behaviors from you. Set a better example. Or just mock the situation because it’s funny and completely constructive! That works too.

      • Valerie

        This is a different Valerie. That is all. Carry on.

      • alice

        hahahahahaha

      • Véronique the Attachment Shark

        hahahahahah no one would have believed it ;)

      • rockmonster

        That’s the second time this week! BTW,does anyone else hear frustrated screaming?

      • Sri

        Some asshole on Crushable using a guest account starting with Sri asked for a link to the celeb nudes. It’s becoming an epidemic.

      • rockmonster

        Fuck. We need to screen for duplicate usernames.

      • whiteroses

        Damn straight.

        That’s right, I’m still bitter.

      • rockmonster

        As you have every right to be. (I did fix my comment, FYI.)

      • CC

        irl lol

      • whiteroses

        The Ting Tings – That’s Not My Name – YouTube
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1c2OfAzDTI
        Artist: The Ting Tings
        Album: We Started Nothing
        Released: 2008

      • Spitting_mad

        How’s the weather way up there on your high horse?

      • Rachel Sea

        Gracious, I hope she’s wearing a proper helmet and carries excellent insurance. One could sustain a catastrophic spinal injury falling from such a height.

      • squib

        I’ll assume you’re actually discussing, and not just venting. I think all of the examples are of people who are in fact understanding of the fact that kids are indeed people, and that sometimes its freaking annoying, just like all people are. It’s okay to be frustrated with your kids, and it’s not only okay, but sometimes really, really healthy to vent that frustration to other people. None of these people are calling their kids names to their faces, or telling the kids to shut up. They’re taking care of the kids, sucking it up, and then sharing their frustration with some humor.

        And heck yes, if you can complain about your boss/coworkers/annoying people in the store, why on earth can’t you also complain about your kids?

      • Carly

        Did you really just compare being occasionally annoyed/frustrated/angry with your kids to racism?

      • CC

        LOL I KNOW, what! Just…what?

      • 4kids1crazymama

        Someone missed the point LOL…. There’s always one

      • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee

        http://media.giphy.com/media/bga3u0pGRstl6/giphy.gif

        Being annoyed with your kids when they’re off the wall is not remotely comparable to racism.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Um.

        Ok so first of all, no one is saying that kids don’t have a right to their feelings. I love my kid, I totally respect her feelings, I think she’s an amazing person already and I love watching her grow into an even more amazing person.

        But kids are frustrating, and challenging, and sometimes they can be annoying little jerks. It’s not their fault – they are still learning how to be. Children literally cannot control most of their impulses (apparently you gain impulse control at a rate of about 10% per year, topping out at about 80% because no one can control all of their impulses), which means that a lot of the time, they act like cave people or animals. Young ones do not have empathy, because that’s a developmental stage, so they are actually like sociopaths in that way. And they have high-pitched voices and they get sick a lot and yeah, there’s a lot to be frustrated about. My kid is 3, so she’s basically as smart as a stegosaurus.

        I myself get turned off when people on facebook (or real life) are constantly complaining about their life/their kid. When it’s infrequent and it’s funny, I get it, but yeah, there are some people where I’m like, is this a cry for help? That becomes a bit much. And sometimes it’s hard to read because even if I think they are joking, if all you do is post about how much you hate your life, it’s just pretty icky.

        But the funny venting? Hell yes. I don’t think these folks are telling their kids this stuff to their face, so I really don’t think they are setting a bad example.

      • Courtney Lynn

        *sigh* Parents who simply dare to be real about the difficulties of child-rearing in a pretty safe setting (like social media), where they aren’t taking it out on their child and can vent and complain, feel better, then go be a good mom/dad are not bad people. It’s your kind of finger-waving, shaming mentality, not to mention histrionic, that makes good parents feel like shit just because they need to say, “My kid is being a jerk right now but I can’t tell him that”. Parents need to vent sometimes. If you’re one of those people that is truly able to keep that kind of thing to yourself and always have a sunny outlook on raising kids, I applaud you. Not every parent is like that and that’s okay, too.

      • candyvines

        You’re not an asshole, you just lack a sense of humor.

      • Jen TheTit Whipper

        I would say MOST people are assholes. Myself included.

      • candyvines

        But probably only some of the time :)

      • JJ

        Ahahahhahah. You are too adorable. I bet you are also one of those parents who goes around saying, “treasure every moment with your kids” too even when jr is throwing a tantrum or being a normal whiny kid who wants everything. Thank you for the laugh :)

      • Mystik Spiral

        Hahahahaha. Equating people who don’t like kids with racists. Classic.

      • rockmonster

        Right, because kids are oppressed. It’s time to call in Nigel Uno and the Kids Next Door!

      • K2

        Err, actually, I tend to steer clear of people who whine and are negative on a regular basis. I don’t those kinds of people in my life longer than necessary. An adult being an ass will bother me just the same. Kids are not magical little people who ‘can’t help it’. They manipulate, lie, steal, maybe! So yes I will complain if a child is being a little terror. Kids learn from other kids too, by the way, so you can keep your ‘ironic feelings’.

      • CMJ
      • Lamb

        You must be fun to hang with.

      • CC

        Not sure why you’re trying to tie in racism, so I won’t go there, but how do you know these parents aren’t super patient, wonderful, kind Laura Markham devotees? It’s possible to be a great parent and also bitch about your kid to your friends. Sometimes kids are just annoying and it’s really not much deeper than that.

      • hdonovan

        Overreact much? Not enjoying a child’s crying and shrieking in no way denies the kid’s feelings – we just don’t like the symptoms of those feelings. As for an adult complaining about being tired, I have yet to hear anyone do that at the top of their lungs or for more than a few minutes – not so with sprogs. Plus, if the woman does decided to go “full toddler” I can leave her. I certainly don’t have to allow her in my house! If you are incapable of seeing the difference you really should not be raising kids.

        I do agree with you that “fucking self control” is important. I makes for much better sex. Also on the plus side, admitting that you are an asshole is the first step in your recovery – only 11 more steps to go!

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        Wait, all of you guys are talking about PEOPLE kids? Like, humans? Human children?

        Shit. I think I’m on the wrong blog….

      • LadyClodia the Modest Rat

        How about these kids?

        http://i.imgur.com/KHac6mG.gif

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        GOATSSSSSSS! My favorite!!!! Now I want to trade kids!

      • rockmonster

        BABIEEESSS! So cute.

      • Mehra Sarethi

        Idk, people seem to have a lot more sympathy for kids than they do adults, especially when said adult happens to be female. I think people are allowed to complain about their kids because let’s face it, kids can be annoying as fuck.

      • neighbor57

        Some whiny ass woman complaining about her lost sleep doesn’t usually throw herself on the floor and try to kick and bite me. If she does, I’m allowed to walk away and leave her there. Or press charges for assault. But when I walk away and leave my screaming biting kid, I get charged with neglect.

      • Aussiemum

        So you never, ever, complain about anyone? Wow, can you teach me to be like you?
        It’s human nature to complain about something, anyone that says they don’t whinge, moan or complain about other people are liars.

    • squib

      I keep telling my husband I want this one framed and hung in an inconspicuous place.

      • Katherine Handcock

        Yay for the Far Side!

    • kcore

      #4 All the way. In fact, I can still hear my dad saying ‘deal with it’ to me when I was tired/whining as a kid (there was also a certain ‘look’ that went with it). Of course he was there for hugs when I was actually hurt, but when I was just being a jerk? No sympathy :)

    • Powers

      I hate it when people complain about their kids. I’m like, YOU CHOSE TO HAVE THEM! No one made you. Now reap what you sowed.

      • Claire Zulkey

        Yeah, and I hate it when people complain about their jobs. It’s like, “YOU CHOSE NOT TO BE UNEMPLOYED!”

      • Powers

        Sadly, employment is still necessary these days for purposes of making a living.

      • Jayamama

        But you’re not allowed to complain. You made your choices. Live with them.

      • Jen TheTit Whipper

        You could “just go get another job” if you’re miserable. choices.

      • CC

        #choices

      • Rachel Sea

        Who says anyone has to make a living? There are tons of people living rough and eating out of garbage cans, clearly it’s an option.

      • OnionButt

        Actually, no it isn’t. You could have your own business and not be employed by anyone. Some people live off the system. Some people marry others who provide the living. Some people inherit money and don’t have to go the employment route.

        As to your prior comment:

        There’s complaining and then there’s constant whining. Bitching when someone is working another’s nerves on occasion is fine, even if it is their kid(s). Nothing is ever always 100% perfect. Even things/people one loves will have their off moments.

        Now if someone constantly whined and complained about their kid, yeah, they need to shut it because they did choose to have them and constant bitching gets old. A quick rant every now and again is not a big deal – especially when done humorously.

        I chose to have pets and 98% of the time I adore them to pieces. But 2% of the time they frustrate the hell out of me or piss me off.

      • wispy

        Almost everything people complain about in life is something they “sowed” so I guess people can’t complain, ever.

      • R

        I hate when people complain about people complaining.

      • Allyson_et_al

        This is getting so meta.

      • alice

        amen! those who plow evil and sow trouble will reap it! Job 4:8 amirite?!

        i sowed a whole bottle of cabernet last night and this morning my husband’s all REAP THAT HANGOVER, BITCH.

      • wispy

        Over the past week I’ve sowed a peach cobbler, “puppy chow,” quite a few pumpkin spice lattes, and so much more. I was reapin it when I tried to get my jeans on this morning. Can’t complain though! It was “sow” worth it!!

      • squib

        I have been sowing my belief that Haagen-Dazs comes in single-serving containers, and reaping the same as you! It’s very confusing.

      • wispy

        It’s only getting hotter here but I think my subconscious believes that I need to be storing up for winter!

      • Rachel Sea

        It is no coincidence that beer and ice cream both come in pints.

      • EditKitten

        I should not have been drinking a soda when I read that. Bravo.

      • Bethany Ramos

        This comment is the best.

      • Courtney Lynn

        You choose to continue living in this world, don’t complain about what other people do.

      • keelhaulrose

        I hate it when people come on internet forums to complain about the content of a blog they don’t agree with. You made the choice to read it and comment knowing most of the readers will probably agree with the blog. Now reap what you sowed.

      • Powers

        Er, who’s complaining about the content of the blog?

      • keelhaulrose

        You, by complaining about parents who complain about their children, which is the content of the blog even if the parents are doing it in a humorous way.

      • Powers

        When presented as humor, it’s funny.

      • Véronique the Attachment Shark

        WHY DO YOU HATE THE PARENTS, POWERS???

      • dzymzlzy

        So, am I not allowed to complain about my husband since I married him?

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        Did you sow him? Then you must reap him.

      • Powers

        It would be kinda weird.

      • dzymzlzy

        It would be kinda weird if I didn’t.

      • Rachel Sea

        If you were a good wife you would have whipped him into shape within the first six months of your marriage so that there was nothing to complain about. Also you would recognize that the man of the house is entitled to be and behave however he likes without any interference from you, and so you have nothing to complain about.

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        I like to sow, then reap what I sow, then sow what I reaped and sowed, and sow on, on reap-peat.

      • Courtney Lynn

        Sow what? :P

      • Rachel Sea

        Ideally there would be some plowing in there too.

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        If only….

      • PAJane

        I hate when people complain about the articles they read on the internet. YOU CHOSE TO READ THEM! No one made you.

      • Powers

        Indeed. Fortunately I’m not complaining about the article.

    • ted3553

      I love my kids always but there are definitely times like after my 2 year old has fake cried (he fake coughs to try to make it sounds like crying which is hilarious for 2 seconds) for literally 30 minutes while I’m rushing around to make dinner and lunches for the next day and tidy, that I would be absolutely up for a break and if a parent can’t laugh at a situation or make casual comments making fun of their kids, that’s pretty sad.

      • Katherine Handcock

        I’ve seen my daughter practice her fake cry in front of a mirror. This was when she was 2. I think we’re in trouble.

      • rockmonster

        She’s gonna be the star of the Christmas pageant. I can totally imagine it.

      • OptimusPrime*

        Don’t let her watch ‘How to Marry a Millionaire’ and either ‘A Star is Born’. Just don’t. ;-)

      • http://batman-news.com Greta Young

        My daughter’s fake-cry involves lots of snorting and attempted hyperventilation… haha, not buying it for a minute.

    • Hibbie

      I’m filing away Claudia’s dad’s trick for future reference.

      • wispy

        Wasn’t it brilliant?

    • amp

      I have a friend who I can complain with (I am only pregnant) And when I started to feel baby kick everyone was all OMG ISNT IT THE BEST. I would just smile and nod. Then text her, these people are crazy it feels like maggots crawling in my belly and sometimes I poke the kid to stop kicking, and she totally gets it.
      Pregnancy and parenting is not as “magical” as people try and make you believe.

      • Claire Zulkey

        When I was near the end of my pregnancy I was like “I would love to just sit quietly for a second and actually be able to SIT QUIETLY.”

      • Jayamama

        I had to stop drinking orange juice before bed because it was like I had three babies in there. Not okay when you’re exhausted from lugging the kid around all day and just want to sleep.

      • Katherine Handcock

        I swear my daughter is the reincarnation of a martial arts master, because she had the ability to repeatedly punch and kick me in EXACTLY the same place over and over and over and over. She was also fond of ramming her head into my diaphragm. The first little flutters are wonderful and miraculous, and then it gets old pretty fast.

      • Katie L.

        My daughter used my cervix as a punching bag one night. I don’t know if she was trying to tunnel her way out or what, but it was enough to make me want to smack anyone who talked about the joy of feeling your baby move.

      • PAJane

        My brother did that to my mom for weeks. She had a numb spot where he kept banging his head against her lowest rib.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        When I first saw my baby contort my stomach, I went, “AH!” and then I poked the bulge back in.

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        I enjoyed feeling my daughter kick because it was different and new. Until she took up residence in my rib cage and wouldn’t always move and then became known as jerk baby.

        My gestating son is active and squirmy and made up entirely of elbows and knuckles, I’m convinced of it, and some days I just want the little jerk to stay still. I miss being able to lean forward without someone objecting or recreating scenes from Alien across my belly. I can’t wait until he’s out! :P

      • Tardis

        I used a heating pad on mine to get him to move out of my ribs, I would turn it on high and stick it just under my ribs. Worked like a charm.

      • Jill

        Thank you for this gem of wisdom.

      • LiteBrite(UterineDudebro)

        I loved when my son was doing literal somersaults when I was about 5-6 months. I did NOT love it when, at 8-9 months, he was breach and his little foot kept kicking my bladder every 10 minutes.

        Pregnancy is magical my ass.

      • Dr. Apothcary

        It was awesome the night after I delivered my son and he was no longer head-butting my cervix and kicking me in the ribs hard at the same time. The butterfly flutters in the beginning were fun, but that awful bruise in my ribs in the third trimester I could have done without.

      • Williwaw

        Pregnancy was about the least magical thing I’ve ever experienced. I was happy to be having a kid but pregnancy seemed to last centuries.

      • Nica

        I literally moved mountains to have my kids – fertility treatments for years, surgeries, hundreds of injections, so many u/s I lost count and I still really hated being pregnant, truth be told. It was most definitely a means to an end for me. When ever anyone says “Oh, I loved being pregnant!” I also question their memory and sanity (kind of like Kristen above!).

      • whiteroses

        My cousins wife is pregnant with twins. Their oldest child is in second grade and their daughter is maybe nine months old.

        I sent her a congratulatory text, but inside I was thinking, “Ho-ly shit.”

      • RCIAG

        I told a friend “I always pictured being pregnant as kind of like that scene in Alien. There’s just this weird thing inside & you have no control over your own body, then all of a sudden you have a chest burster!!”

        She looked at me, thought for a beat or 2 & said “Yeah, it’s exactly like that.”

      • smishsmash

        When my babies would kick, I liked to yell out “mmmm, snake surprise!” Because I am an Indiana jones fan.

      • brebay

        I’m the freak who loved being pregnant and never got to that “I’m so ready to not be pregnant” phase. Make no mistake, the “magical parts” definitely wane, but I do long for the days when I had them all to myself and could protect them from everything…and also not have to pick up all their crap all the time.

      • Allyson_et_al

        There’s a lot to be said for the self-containment aspect. Also, in utero, no one can hear you scream.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Me too. I mostly really enjoyed being pregnant. It made me feel strong.
        That said, there were lots of things about it I didn’t like, so I totally understand women who hated it or just didn`t find it that great.

    • LadyClodia the Modest Rat

      Joel knows what’s up.

      http://i.imgur.com/Of1Dm4G.gif

      • Claire Zulkey

        That whole scene made me swoon a little bit.

      • Dirty Old Lady Phillips

        I’d have his babies and let him hold them upside down all damn day.

      • brebay

        He can sire all of the babies!

      • Mehra Sarethi

        Not gonna lie, that’s totes how I hold kids.

      • brebay

        They freaking love it.

    • keelhaulrose

      I can’t wait til the little assholes can move out.
      Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m the type of parent who occasionally flips my daughters the bird behind their backs because arguing with them is like arguing with pundits- they just get louder the more logic you use and you may as well be arguing with a broken record because you’re going to hear the same shit over and over. You can’t win, passive-aggression behind their backs is good stress relief.

      • brebay

        For true.

      • Aussiemum

        I thought I was the only one! My oldest just turned 17 today, so officially I don’t have to flip the bird behind his back anymore! Woohoo!
        I’m also the master of the face pulling at the little rats, when they are walking away. I also like to stamp my foot and throw shit. Cause if they can do it, why can’t I?
        Unfortunately it doesn’t look like any of my four kidlets are planning on evacuating our house anytime soon.

    • rockmonster

      An entire post of gold stars. I’ve never seen that before.

      Also, B, people really think that you hate kids?

    • law333

      I once had a friend who asked for reassurance that indeed “it’s different when they’re your own, right?” I assured him that it was indeed different. You see, once they’re your own, they involve the police when you try to give them back.

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        There are definitely things I can tolerate in my daughter that give me the fits in other kids — the constant talking/questions, especially when you’ve woken me up at 7 a.m. to tell me you slept in your big girl bed and now we’re discussing my nail polish/toenail polish/Nana’s toenail polish/CHILD BE MERCIFUL I HAVEN’T HAD COFFEE OR EVEN PEED YET.

        I was only able to admit I didn’t like kids when I was pregnant with my daughter. Now I’m better with kids, but still don’t necessarily love them.

      • ziggy

        Random story: I slept on the couch with my youngest last night since he is sick. This morning when my three year old saw that I was up, he told me, “and now you are going to go potty.” Very astute, my son. I wasn’t actually ready to move around, but I thought it was funny he noticed the pattern. :)

      • brebay

        I’m kind of the opposite. I “loved kids” before I had kids, and worked in daycare and thought of them as “my kids” and would have kidnapped and raised as my own any of several of them if I could have done so without doing federal time. Then I had my own, who I adore (about 80% of the time.) But I find I like other kids so much less, read: not at all, now that I have my own. First, you don’t really know what it is to hate a child until your sweet baby is walking home from school and, in his delightful little-boyishness swings himself around a stop sign pole and three little thugs (seriously, when you name a baby D’Angelo-Prince you’re not thinking medical school) call him a stripper and return to third grade the next day to announce that your son is a “pole-stripper.” Or when some little cunt stands on the pool deck yelling to your 10-year-old son, who was having the time of his life jumping off the diving board “Gross! Get some muscles! You have no muscles! Women like muscles! Muscles are IM-POR-TANT – Duh!” Gee, I just have a feeling if he’d stood there yelling “Get some boobs, Men like boobs! Boobs are important” he would have gotten kicked out in a hurry. Point is, lots of kids are assholes, and since I’ve had my own, the other ones kind of lost their luster.

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        And that’s just it! I remember some of the stuff I went through while in elementary school, and it was genuinely nothing compared to some of what happens nowadays. Kids are awful awful awful to one another, and I want to protect mine from being hurt by anyone (like when we start making fat jokes in front of my daughter about my skeletal husband who has zero self-confidence issues, and I start getting all paranoid about how this is going to affect her… argh) and anything and I just get stressed by it.

        But then I hear stories about the car with the pair of teenagers who kept pace with my husband’s truck so they could make faces at my daughter and I remember that not everyone in the world is an asshole, and I keep trying to raise my kid not to be one (that was the one line I would’ve put in her baby book under “Mom and Dad’s hopes and dreams for you” if I didn’t think I’d get in trouble for it from like, my mom or something).

      • brebay

        True true! If you’re thinking about it, I’m sure she’ll be great, the assholes are the kids whose parents never even think it’s a possibility their kid could be an asshole. In sixth grade a girl in my son’s class dropped a box with all her tampons in it out of her locker and they went all over the floor in front of everyone. His teacher told me my oldest didn’t bat an eye and just started picking them up, then told the boys who were laughing to grow up. If he cures cancer, I will not be more proud than I was that day. I can be kind of a jerk, so I really worried about it and it was surprisingly HARD to let some stuff go when my kids were with me…especially in the car…

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        I feel you. I’m big on knowing for real if my kid is being an asshole — like if she pushed down the other kid at daycare, I want to know that so that my husband and I can make sure she knows that’s not cool. And we make sure she’s nice to the kitties, and warn her that if she gets too annoying with them, she’s going to earn whatever they dole out (crabby kitty is the one that will do it; the other one just goes limp and/or hides). But my cats need to know I’m looking out for them, too.

        Your son sounds awesome, and I will get him to come babysit my kid(s) if he wants. ;)

      • ted3553

        I have a friend who fully admits that she doesn’t really like kids except her own. It’s not because her 2 are so awesome, it’s just that she’s not a fan of kids.

      • brebay

        I agree. Just because I love my two doesn’t mean I find every funny-looking annoying one with his hands down his pants delightful.

      • brebay

        Best. T-shirt this up, will you? I want to wear it to the PTA.

    • notorious

      The first time I saw someone post this on Facebook, I laughed out loud. That person up there is not lying, some kids never stop talking. If I listened to everything my kids wanted to say I would never get anything done. Ever. I have seen it a few times and been tempted to say “I can’t take anymore, why don’t you come listen to them.”

      • ted3553

        My niece was learning not to interrupt conversations and to say excuse me so she used to say ” excuse me aunty, ummmmmmmmmmmm blah blah blah”. She just made up stuff to say. it wasn’t big to her, she just wanted to yap.

      • brebay

        Ugh. I love and hate this. Of course, it’s true to some extent, but Jesus, after an hour and a half of incessant chatter about the new mod for Minecraft I just seriously. can’t. Am I the only one who’s ever turned on the car radio just so they’d stop? They do still talk about the big stuff, but for real, sometimes they are super-boring. I think as long as you don’t actually bust out with “Dude, that is super-boring,” they’re probably going to be fine.

      • LiteBrite(UterineDudebro)

        “Am I the only one who’s ever turned on the car radio just so they’d stop?”

        No, no you’re not.

      • mogoes

        OMG the INCESSANT. MINECRAFT. TALK. Seriously, my 7 year old can drone on about it for hours. That’s not hyperbole – HOURS. I’ve timed him. He’s a crushing bore and I find myself thinking – dude you’re never gonna get a date in 8 years unless you get it together. Honestly – I have him call my mom sometimes so he can bore her instead of me.

      • brebay

        I know! I know I should be glad it’s not Halo or something, but seriously…I just don’t care anymore!

    • CC

      This post is really delivering.

      • rockmonstergoneafk

        Ha!

      • rockmonster

        Don’t worry, the comment above is from me. I borrowed stole borrowed someone else’s phone.

    • http://overthecuckoonest.blogspot.com/ Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      I always say, I hated spiders with a blind hatred–still do, to a certain extent (that extent being that I only want to nuke the house if I see them now, not the entire planet). But I completely feel a kindredness with them on the subject of eating one’s young.

      I get it, spider mamas. I get it. No judgement here.

    • Alanna Jorgensen

      Hahaha, I have literally posted the EXACT same statement about seeing why animals eat their young on a day when my kid was being a little tyrant. I would almost think it came from my wall if it hadn’t been a couple years.

    • K.

      I want to be pregnant-belly-woman’s friend.

      • PAJane

        I really did laught at that one. Let’s invite her out for tea.

    • SA

      Omg the empty nesters thing! I keep telling my husband I need to have all our kids at once so I can be done and they can get out of my house at the same time. I don’t want kids in diapers for like 6 years and I don’t want to have to wait years and years for them all to get out!

    • Rowan

      I took my son & his school friend shopping for back-to-school bits the other day and they were both TOTALLY hyper. Not really naughty, but endlessly silly until I got to the point of wanting to nail his feet to the floor so I could hold trousers up against him to check the length. My twitter post when I got home was:

      Things I’ve said today: “Is there a name for what’s wrong with you?”
      “You’re the reason I like wine.”
      Also, “Calm down” x 697

    • Buffy

      I want to be best friends with Mike and his friends! They talk like my Kind of people.:-)
      Seriously, bevor I had children I felt like they were exotic animals or something alien –because I hated their fake-crying, annoying high pitched “I want I want I want” screams, while all around me behaved like this was alright and adorable.
      Well, there were a few kids I considered fun/nice/sweet–but deep inside I never knew if they would explode or mutate or whatever.
      I’d never felt free to judge/critizise even inside my head because I thought: You don’t know.Maybe this all is pretty normal and you’re love it when you have kids.

      But big surprise, I still hate whiney, nerve-drilling voices and behaviour– I don’t love every child–I am annoyed by my own kid (love her? Yes, always!LIKE her…Well, not always…)— I have no fear to tell my friends.

      Greatest thing is to have friends you can tell everything about what’s eating you right now and you can still the beans without having to add :” Of course I love them BUT..”. Because they are not horrified by what you say, instead they add their own stories.

    • brebay

      So, if I understand you, basically, you hate babies.

      • Betty

        Hmmm, I’m going out on a limb here and saying maybe you better brush up on your comprehension skills. They seem to be completely lacking.

      • brebay

        Okay, honey, I’m going to go way out on a limb and guess you’re not a regular commenter on this site. It’s sarcasm, which is a thing we do here. B knows I’m kidding. Try lightening up.

    • gammachris

      I officially became an empty-nester 3 weeks ago (absolutely NO complaining)! These posts are reminding me that a sense of humor was the #1 weapon in my arsenal when my kids were small, and is likely the reason that they all survived to adulthood.

    • Jeemes

      My baby is 18. He just started driving. He drives to school every day. He MUST text me when he gets to school (my rule, not his)…or else I have to call my daughter to ask her to drive past the school to make sure the car is parked there. Am I a helicopter parent? No. Do I worry about my son? Yes…and this is why. He’s a mathematician and when he started driving he worked out some long involved formula in his head based on speed limits and the car in front of him and the weight of his car and blah blah blah (anything past 2+2 is trig to me) but his logic based brain did not see the purpose of adding in the illogical actions of those around him. His idea would be great if we all drove like robots and if every traffic light, stop sign and speed limit were strictly obeyed. His brain just doesn’t work as expected to make every day life easy for him.
      Ok, maybe I am a helicopter parent…but he doesn’t know that. If he forgets to text me sometimes, he never knows that we check on him. And he only has to text me when he gets there, never throughout the day, and I don’t text him while he’s at school. I had a nephew almost die in a car accident going to school when he was 16. His brain damage changed his life forever, so yes, I worry.

      • Emily

        Sending your daughter to stalk your adult son is really bizarre and insane

      • brebay

        Are you a helicopter mom? Yes.
        If his brain really is not capable of comprehending that other drivers to unexpected things, he shouldn’t have a license.
        Does you son know you’re a helicopter parent? Yes.

    • MeLuRe

      Why wait until they are asleep? I wear earplugs anytime I am in the house with my kids for more than two hours straight.

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