• Thu, Aug 28 - 10:00 am ET

Scary Mommy: You Are Going To Be Fat, And Other Inevitabilities Of Pregnancy

shutterstock_176354447__1409169406_142.196.167.2231. You are going to be FAT. Eating makes the nausea go away and not just any eating will do. When the waves hit, you won’t be reaching for a salad, unless you plan to use the bowl like a bed pan. Come to think of it, you may want to practice that, because that may come up in labor (see #8). Between the nausea and the estrogen-induced sensation of chronic starvation, you’ll convince yourself that Taco Bell and Oreos do a baby good or at least that they’ll do YOU good (and that will be all that matters). I know what you’re thinking–that you’ve seen plenty of moms stay tiny during pregnancy. What you probably don’t know is that real moms HATE these women. So starve yourself to stay under the 25-pound limit, but you’ll be friendless. Trust me and have a cookie.

2. Maternity clothes only look good on the mannequins. Let’s review. You’re going to be FAT. Fat pregnant women do not look good in much of anything, let alone the cute, neon spandex top with the large horizontal stripes you bought when your pregnancy test turned positive. The maternity bikini and the spaghetti-strap shirts will get tossed aside in favor of a swim dress and a bra with straps the width of a ruler. Sure, there are a few women who manage to look like the mannequins in the maternity store. But do you really want to live on lean meats and veggies to look cute for nine months when it is absolutely true that WE WILL ALL HATE YOU? Be a smart girl and start picking out some of your husband’s jeans and t-shirts. They’ll tide you over ’til you outgrow him.

3. You’re going to be hot–and not in a good way. By now, I hope you’ve begun to accept that you’re going to be FAT. Packing on 50+ pounds of extra weight coupled with doubling your blood supply will make you feel like you’re wearing a fur coat in the desert at noon. You will want to have very little clothing on which doesn’t fit with having thighs the consistency of tapioca pudding. Nor will running around in your gigantic white underwear and monstrous bra do anything to appeal to your very frightened husband. If you’re not hot because you have gained less than 25 pounds, fan yourself and crank up the A/C anyway or WE WILL HATE YOU.

4. You’re going to quit working out. I know you’ve fantasized that you’ll finish a three-mile run by heading straight to the ER where you’ll push your little darling out with one or two ultra-strong pushes. You know you can keep up weight lifting and sports right until the very end because doctors say exercise is not only safe, but really important. What was truth #1? You’re going to be FAT. Fat pregnant women do not run anywhere, except maybe to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And lifting weights? You’ll be doing that every time you heft those extra pounds of yours out of the recliner to get another snack (unless you’ve sweet talked your husband into doing it, in which case you’re a quick learner). Oh, I know. Exercising is important for the baby. But if you think you’re going to work out til the very end, think about pushing your baby stroller around all by yourself because your mom friends will HATE YOU.

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  • Marisa Quinn-Haisu

    I kept working out until the end but I changed things to become more gentle the further I got along. A day before I was induced I went swimming and did laps. I also did weights during my pregnancy and spin class. It’s a myth that you should not exercise during pregnancy. The only thing I gave up was riding my bike because I was scared of loosing my balance.

  • Kathryn Mackenzie

    I hate when people refer to pregnant women as fat. Yes, some pregnant women do chub up a bit, all over – some don’t, but I hear it so often, even when the pregnant person in question has only the baby belly, no other fat anywhere.
    Unless you have put on actual huge amounts of weight that have nothing to do with the thing growing inside you, you are not fat. You are pregnant.

  • js argh

    As someone who was compared to a truck backing up (complete with sound effect beeping) and was mooed at while pregnant, tell me again how this is funny, and not just the usual body-shaming insult lobbed at pregnant women. Oh, satire? Right. Try again.

  • Antichristian

    Why was this piece of garbage published?

  • Katie

    Articles like this actually really scare me away from having children. I guess that’s good, seeing as I’m only 22.

  • Chrissy

    This is bullshit. If you are growing an entirely new human inside your once fist sized uterus, eat whatever the fuck you want (in moderation.. Or not), exercise if you want, wear what the fuck you want, and tell your husband it doesn’t matter what he really thinks for 9 months +, he helped you get pregnant so it is his job to help you feel sexy while you grow his child. As long as you and your tiny tenant are healthy then do what makes you happy and DO NOT read garbage like this.

  • shorty_RN

    I think this was supposed to be satire, but it is poorly done and just comes across as fat-shamey. Fail.

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  • Shut Up

    This article is horrible. Who cares if others “HATE YOU”? Do you like you? That’s what matters.