LABORDAY

Having my son took two weeks. I’m not exaggerating.

I was due on July 27th and induced on August 2nd. I went in to the hospital and they were expecting to apply a small dosage of Pitocin on my cervix to get labor going because this baby was like an aggressive tenant who loved to wreck my uterus with his break-dancing skills. After experiencing the outpatient induction I went home and curled up into the C-formation that would allow me an hour of sleep until the baby buried himself completely to the side. A few days later I returned to the hospital to have my son and they upped the dosage of Pitocin to high levels. Nada. This little dude was not coming out.

What’s worse is that my boyfriend was being obnoxious. He would not leave the room or give me a break and everything was about him. My mom, nurses, and doctors were coming in and out of the room and he decided that he would walk about the hospital room naked. I was mortified. He had not been sexually interested in me and frequently screamed at me so I didn’t want to see him in this state and was embarrassed at the prospect of my mom, the OB, or the sweet grandma-like nurse who I adored seeing his twisted penis. But when I asked him not to walk around naked, he got angry and refused to leave. I started to cry and they brought up family services. Needless to say, he put on that over-enthusiastic ruse of a personality and they weren’t worried. They did send me home for a few days to recover without IV’s and hospital beds.

…. And this is where the shit hits the fan.

Suddenly I awoke to a mask being forcibly placed on my face. Oxygen started streaming through the mask but it felt like I was suffocating. I reached up to snatch the mask off and the new nurse, who was not gentle, placed it back on. My mother came over and quietly explained that the baby was experiencing levels of distress and I had to wear the mask. This is when I got scared because there was no way I could breathe with that mask on. The IV they put in me was not working because my body rejected it, but I needled the Pitocin which was now being pumped into me through a tube. My doctor came in and said that she wasn’t sure if I was going to have a C-section or not. I told her if we were going to then let’s commit… She still wasn’t sure. I was even more scared because a C-section was not part of the plan, but my son was really big at this point and I my frame, though curvy, was very petite. I begged them to take him out on the 11th, not the 12th of August which is my birthday, if we were doing a C-section. So naturally around 1 or 2 am on August 12th, 2013 while my boyfriend slept soundly in the hospital bed and I on the couch, I heard a big POP.

“WAKE UP! WAKE UP!” I called to him. He has a history of sleep walking and sleeping deeply so it took about 5 minutes for him to pay attention.

“What do you want?” He replied, groggy with the sleep I sorely envied.

“Call a nurse. My water broke.” And to my surprise, he did. Minutes later I was in the bathroom with bloody water all over my floor as my boyfriend held my hand. I was in a feline-like state, actually growling and wanting to be left alone. I was pressing my head to his chest and he was pleading with me to stop because he was going to fall over. He also complained that I was getting blood everywhere, or something to that effect. I told him, albeit not graciously, to “Shut the FUCK up!” I raised my hand toward the nurse and told her “I’ll be needing that epidural now.” I had planned to wait until I felt intense contractions to get the epidural under the condition that I not see supplies or needles. That was smart because as the nurse held me I didn’t even feel the epidural. It was heaven.

I pushed for several hours before my OB told me it was time for a C-section. I was whisked away to the OR where they allowed me to have my mother and my boyfriend in the room. They told me I’d be numb from the chest down, but that didn’t happen. No matter how much I pleaded with them to pay attention to me, the anesthesiologist ignored my cries of “The medicine isn’t working! I can feel everything you’re doing!” Yep, that’s right. I felt my C-section with little anesthesia. What was left of the epidural meds had worn off. When they lifted my son out of me I honestly didn’t care, I was so upset and shocked. And on my birthday! I was carted off cursing everyone out. Of course when my son was close to me I got a flush of mommy hormones that distracted me. He smelled and felt so new. His eyes were a bright grey blue and his skin was this beautiful golden color. In my arms his soft golden glow contrasted with my deep toffee complexion. He was perfect.

The doctor told me I never experienced any of the pain I claimed to because I was asleep the whole time. I have proof I was not. I just hope that in the future they make sure patients can’t feel surgery. I made it out alive with the best birthday gift ever!

This article is a submission in our Labor Day Giveaway contest. Have a funny/crazy labor story you’d like to share with Mommyish readers? Go here for more details.

(Image: Wave Break Media/Shutterstock)