Ayn Rand Parenting Is The Hot New Parenting Style You Have To Try

ayn-rand-parenting-style-raising-objectivist-kids

Do you ever tire of the constant stream of liberal propaganda that is childhood? Everywhere you turn it’s “share your toys” and “don’t bite your friends” and “take turns”. I’m not saying that Sesame Street is Communist, but if you think that the fact that Elmo is red is a coincidence, you are naive and brainwashed.

That’s why I’ve decided to introduce a new style of parenting. One that’s less about human decency, and a little more about getting yours and sticking it to the undeserving second handers. Ayn Rand parenting, people. You’re welcome.

1. Meet Your Child’s Physical Needs

From the time your child is born to the time they can care for themselves, you are required to keep them safe, fed, and cared for. No worries, though, you’re not obligated to love them at all until they prove themselves worthy of you–the center of the universe.

2. Read Them Appropriate Bed Time Stories

None of this Rainbow Fish nonsense, okay? That just encourages your kids to give to society’s leeches. And nothing fantastical, like Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs. The world isn’t fun and whimsy, it’s a cold, hard place of conformity, in which you are the only enlightened individual.  Instead, try reading Liberty Island. Here’s the blurb on the back:

“Inside is the story of a right friendly land, 
Where people were quick to lend a free hand.
With the best of intentions they passed many laws, 
To fix what they felt were quite fixable flaws.

But the fixes, they found, were too much in the end, 
For bureaus and programs and taxes they penned.
Once the lessons were learned, here’s what they knew: 
The contentment of many can’t come from the few.” 

Indeed.

3. Fuck Sharing

Being selfish is altruistic, not a weakness! It is not your kid’s job to provide all the hangers on of the world with toys. If someone else’s kid wasn’t strong enough to get to the Legos first, then it’s their job to deal with that weakling however they see fit. You are raising yourself a self-sufficient hero and he’s not going to grow up to be Howard Roark if you’re always limiting his dominance.

4. Teach Them How To Deal With Looters

Speaking of Howard Roark, if someone fucks with your kid’s block tower, get some C-4 and blow that shit up, Roark style. Your kid needs to learn that their wants and needs are supreme, and there’s no time like the present to start throwing epic temper tantrums when someone doesn’t acknowledge that.

5. Santa Claus Is A Fraud

Easy, since there will be no Christmas. Encourage them to, in the spirit of rational self-interest, remind the other sheeple in their Kindergarten class that the Tooth Fairy is bullshit, too.

6. Lies Are For The Weak

Never comfort your child with words like “It’s okay, sweetheart”. Instead, try something like, “I know your arm hurts because you fell. Next time you might try harder at riding that bike, kid.” If they earn a band-aid, it’s okay to give that to them. That’s meritocracy. The kids who suck at bike riding deserve to get hurt.

7. Allowances Are For Freeloaders

And we’re not raising freeloaders. If they want some free money they can get on government assistance after they’re 18 and have left home. But while they’re living under your roof, they’ll follow the rules: No work, no money. The harder you work, the more money you earn. That is an absolute truth, and your background and privilege have absolutely no effect upon this infallible truth.

8.Homeschool, Obviously.

The feds can’t touch you in your living room.

9. Emancipate Them

They actually have to emancipate themselves, but there’s really no reason for them to continue to mooch off of you after they are old enough to get a work permit. But after that they need to pay rent.

10. Teach Them To Be Rational Free Thinkers

Who believe unquestioningly in the tenets of Objectivism, just like all of the other independent free thinkers.

(Image: diez artwork/Shutterstock)

You can reach this post's author, Theresa Edwards, on twitter.
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    • momjones

      Double UGH on Ayn Rand anything. CMJ’s take on Rand is the best. I hope she shows up to drop it on us along with a gif.

      • Cruelty Cupcake

        Idk, Paul Ryan loves her so she can’t be that bad!

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        excellent point

      • Spongeworthy
      • CMJ

        Mostly I believe it’s okay to go through a rand phase in high school but any normal human should grow out of it if they know better.

        (Sorry everyone I’m doing training all day on fair housing and HUD funding so I am limited on responses. I’m bummed though…this is a charged day)

      • momjones

        Well, damn…you’re busy being Anti-Randian today!

      • 2Well

        I was 17 and read her through standardized testing time. Maybe my annoyance with overly simplistic standardized testing led me to enjoy her work.

      • rockmonster

        Ayn Rand. I remember seeing those sad excuses for books on my Spanish teacher’s shelf (She also does English classes.) i was ignorant of Objectivism before I looked at a Cliff Notes entry on her one day. I thank God every week that I got the teacher that was more interested in Shakespeare.

    • Cruelty Cupcake
      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        atlas shrugged is an excellent sedative.

      • Kristina Bartlett

        my roomate’s mother makes $81 every hour on the

        computer . She has been without work for 6 months but last month her income was

        $19151 just working on the computer for a few hours. read review http://WWW.WORKBUCK.COM

    • K.

      You forgot one: if your child is mentally or physically disabled, fuck ‘em.

      What a wretched human being, that Ms. Rand.

    • AE Vorro

      Ha! The Simpsons had an episode where Maggie breaks out of an Ayn Rand school, after giving all her fellow classmates their pacifiers back.

      • Guest

        Screen grab

      • Caitlin Burrows

        I remember that episode!

        Down at Ayn Rand School for Tots.

        Marge: Maggie is allergic to strained pears and she likes a bottle of warm milk before nap time.

        Ayn Rand: A bottle? *chuckles* Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby’s saying when she reaches for a bottle?

        Marge: “Ba-ba?”

        Ayn Rand: She’s saying, “I am a leech.” Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.

      • scooby23

        MEDIOCRACY RULES!!

    • JesseHSartorr

      They actually have to emancipate themselves, but there’s really no reason for them to continue to mooch off of you after they are old enough to get a work permit. http://ur1.ca/hvhaa

    • noodlestein’s danger tits

      ZOMG – you guys!! Total non-sequiter, but you have to go to the Tumblr Reasons Why My Son is Crying and watch the video on the first page. It is sincerely the cutest thing I’ve EVER seen. I know this sounds spambot-ty, but trust meeeee. http://www.reasonsmysoniscrying.com/#

      • guest

        If you’re talking about the little girl who doesn’t want her brother to grow up (I’m assuming that one because it’s the first one), I know!! I saw it yesterday and watched it about 4 times, it’s so adorable and that little girl is just a doll! And how…..wise? mature?, I can’t think of the word, that she realizes these things at her age.

      • noodlestein’s danger tits

        YAAASSS. It’s the cutest thing ever. What a bright little thing, to be thinking of the future, like you said. I’m sure I wasn’t, at that age!

      • guest

        I just love the part where her baby brother smiles up at her and she kisses his head. Awwwww squeeeeee

      • noodlestein’s danger tits

        I know, I know. It’s too cute for words.

    • The Actual Devil

      Also, make sure to teach your daughter that “the essence of femininity is hero-worship – the desire to look up to man”. Fuck Ayn Rand, for reals.

      Here is some more of her fucked up, completely stupid opinions on women: http://books.google.com/books?id=OsCSArJxIRwC&pg=PT233&lpg=PT233&%20#v=onepage&q&f=false

    • RayneofCastamere

      You forgot to have your children sneer at and disdain anyone non-neurotypical or physically impaired. Also, if people disagree with you, they are EVIL. If they don’t commit themselves 100% to Sparkle Motion, they don’t really want to be good and therefore must be SHUNNED.

      http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lguuc2BxRu1qfs9ppo1_400.jpg

    • rockmonster

      “sheeple”

    • mblackm2

      we want to encourage strong, independent women with their own thoughts but screw someone who was a strong, independent woman who had her own thoughts because we don’t agree with her!

      • Bleu Cheese Bewbs

        Part of being a strong, independent woman with your own thoughts is that you don’t have to agree with others just because they are also women.

      • https://twitter.com/perfctlyflawd1 JenH1986

        Logic….you have it.

    • guest

      It is so funny to see the crazy shit my FIL loves show up on Mommyish to be discussed by regular human beings. As soon as he moved to Texas and they came back to visit he proceeded to tell us how we needed NEEDED to watch Atlas Shrugged because she was predicting exactly what was happening to us. They said it is really boring but its just so magical you’ll have to get through it. You’d think this woman shit gold by the way he talks about her.

    • Michael Saenz

      It’s sad that none of your critiques have anything to do with Objectivism. Is integrity a virtue you also make fun of?