10 Disgusting Things Parents Do When They Have Kids

disgusted mom holds noseParenting is gross. This is a biological fact. The epic grossness of parenting is something they simply don’t spend enough time emphasizing in high school biology classrooms. In my scant ten years as a mom, I’ve encountered more feces than a porno movie of the scatological variety. I know everything there is to know about poop, including which sugary breakfast cereals make it turn green (all of them, apparently).

You know how every parent has a imaginary line drawn in the sand that marks off all the things they simply won’t do? Well over the years I’ve re-drawn my line again and again as I’ve found myself gleefully doing things I swore I’d never do. Below are just a smattering of those things.

10. Scooping poop out of…well, everything

all pooped out

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Name something, anything even vaguely bucket-like and I bet one of my kids has shat in it. Mop bucket? Crapped in. Empty planter that my Nana brought over? Shit city. Why does this happen? I don’t know, ask my kids. But it’s happened often enough that I have a pair of tongs I keep around just for the errant turds I am liable to find around my home.

9. Did I mention the poop? It gets everywhere.

baby poop everywhere

Quickmeme.com

I can’t stress to you enough just how much fecal matter I have encountered as a parent. My kids have managed to get poop all the way up their backs, into their hair and on the EYEBROWS. That is some serious shit. I call that an atomic wedgie shit. Unfortunately it’s not as fun to clean as it is to say.

8. Delousing WILL happen at last once

alien lice

troll.me

NYC had a historic lice epidemic, so you know my kids were first in line. After what seemed like 100 hours, five lice combs, and a week-log case of the willies later, we finally blew through $800 to get rid of the little fuckers. At one point it looked like my one kid’s scalp was MOVING. *Shudder*

7. I’ve handle more boogers than you can imagine

booger snack time

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You know how kids have a habit of handing you random things they no longer wanna hold? Yup, this includes boogers. SO many boogers…

6. Cleaning things from various orifices

kid with drill in nose

lolgifs.net

I could regale you with all the snot/poop/vomit covered objects I’ve recovered over the years, but instead I will  give you my coup de grace. One time I opened a package and I shit you not a giant flying bug came barreling out, flew straight into my daughter’s ear and wouldn’t budge. I had to grab a pair of tweezers to dig the little bastard out. Then it flew into my mouth. My MOUTH. And I panicked and swallowed it.

I’ll let that sink in for a moment…

If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what it.

5. Spit cleaning is a real thing

dirty baby face

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How else am I supposed to get that smudge of dirt off my kid’s face? A wet nap?

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    • Tisa Berry

      Moldy crackers? I’m curious.

      And I’m still laughing at #1

      I’m not a parent but I work in childcare and I can say that poop (unless it’s that super watery pee-out-your-butt kind) doesn’t phase me. “OH IS THAT POOP ON THE TOILET SEAT, I’LL JUST TAKE A LYSOL WIPE AND CLEAN IT OFF, NO GLOVES REQUIRED.”

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee

      I know it’s bizarre that THIS is the one thing I gasped at in here but … A BUG? WHY?

    • Nica

      I’m still not so great at handling blood, unless it’s my own, but snot, poop, vomit, spit, etc. BRING IT ON! After parenting for five years and having been pooped on, peed on, spit on, vomited on, etc, nothing really fazes me at all any more… If anyone told me I’d be saying this six years ago, before I became pregnant, I’d look at them like they had three heads. You do what you gotta do (as evidenced by your vomit story!).

    • Boozy Shark Lee

      I have a recent story that is not as bad as your pukey car ride but it is my #1 nasty parenting moment thus far. Just this past April I took my toddler to our local Easter egg hunt. My newly potty trained 2 year old tells me he has to go potty. I am running around with him looking for a toilet (which was not to be found) and he refused to pee in the woods. Then I remember I still have a little potty in my car from the sitter! I run him over and set the potty out with the door open to block some of the other families view of him and he pees complaining the whole time he is cold. He wraps it up and we are walking back up the hill to the festivities when he frantically tells me he has to poop. We run back to the car and I put the potty in the back hatch of my jeep so he isn’t cold and pull his pants around his ankles.

      At the exact same moment he has massive, forceful diarrhea and starts projectile vomiting all over me, the car, in his pull up, and all of his clothes and shoes. He finally stops and is done being sick and I need to clean him up but have left his bag at home. I take his less puked on sweatshirt and try to wipe up the puke and shit off him as best as possible. Luckily the shirt he had on underneath the sweatshirt was fairly puke free and I remember I have a pull up in my purse and put it on him. I very sneakily dumped the poop in the grass next to a railroad tie and bag up the potty and we got in the car, rode the 10 minutes home where I then got the pleasure I cleaning it all up. It was awful.

    • Obladi Oblada

      My favorite is a kid puking in my cafeteria. While I do hate for the kid to be sick, it’s really something to watch the kids scatter.

      • https://twitter.com/perfctlyflawd1 JenH1986

        I can clearly remember 8th grade, pre calculus. A girl had to puke, stood up to go to the restroom and before she took a single step vomited from head height. This particular class was all girls (it was math, the school was trying something new, single sex math/science classes). I’ve never seen so many girls run that fast in my life.

    • guest

      Since I will never get to tell this to anyone IRL: There was the time my two year old son got his diaper off in the middle of the night and we awoke to calls of, “Mommy! Poop! Poop, Everywhere!”
      When I opened the door to his room he gently placed a poo covered matchbox car into my hand.
      I looked over at my husband in shocked horror, “What do I do?”
      He said, “Throw. It. Away.”
      Thank goodness my husband can think clearly at 3 a.m.

    • Joye77

      Me and nurse coworkers always laugh that we can have the grossest conversations while eating food and it doesn’t phase us. I am good with body fluids but prefer gloves if it’s too much. I seriously have a box of latex gloves in my hall closet for miscellaneous purposes. I highly recommend them for moms cleaning vomit or fishing items from toilets!

      • Rachel Sea

        I worked as a care giver in a home for profoundly and severely developmentally disabled adults, and almost all our conversations were gross. If one of us wanted to freak out a coworker we could just walk up and say zero BM, day 6.

      • noodlestein’s danger tits

        Time to get out the hook!

      • Spongeworthy

        Yea, I have a pretty iron stomach when it comes to stuff like that. I’ve disturbed people by being able to eat while listening to gross stories.

    • momma425

      Ok, so I have no personal experience with the vomit-palooza that you speak of (yet, watch this happens tonight now), I have a coworker who shared her awful story:

      Her family was eating at old country buffet. One of her kids got this terrible look on his face, and suddenly turned and vomited all over his siblings’ lap next to him. Sibling started gagging and vomited onto the table. My coworker and her husband were up, and because of the smell and just ahrow up everywhere and on everything, my coworker started to vomit too. Entire restaurant is watching them. When coworker is finished puking, she takes both kids into the restroom and does her best to clean them all up. She ended up taking one kids’ clothes off completely and throwing them in the trash there- kid left in underpants. Meanwhile, the dad sat at the table and got the check, and helped out the waitress clean the vomit off the table/ floor/ bench seat as beat he could until coworker and kids got out of the bathroom. He left a $50 on the table as a tip, said, “I am so sorry,” to the waitress, and basically the whole family had to do this horrible walk of vomit- shame out of the restaurant.

      So gross.

      Also- why the bug??

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Oh god. That is a nightmare.

    • aCongaLine

      10# is my life right now… poop on the floor from the kid who isn’t currently potty training.

      1#… And milk vomit? doesn’t smell, and wipes clean if you have your kids drink almond milk. #truestory #extracalciumbattlesleadexposurefromouroldhouse

    • Spongeworthy

      I knew I was a parent when I stopped trying to get out of the way of my kid’s puke and started trying to catch it in my hands.

      • aheb

        During my tween years I had a loft bed, and one day I had an upset stomach. My mom gave me Gaviscon antacids, without warning me that, unlike Tums, these would foam when I chewed them. I was in said loft bed when I started raining foaming vomit over the edge. It totally would have missed my mom if she hadn’t tried to catch it.

      • ChickenKira

        No no no no no this ALWAYS makes 10x more mess than if they just vomited onto the floor.

      • Spongeworthy

        Eh, when you’re sitting on the couch and it’s your hands or the couch, I’ll go with hands every time. Much easier to wash my hands.

      • ChickenKira

        Something is clearly wrong with my hands because it would then splatter off my hands and onto the couch.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      My new to-do list:

      1. Get a tubal ligation.
      2. Get a hysterectomy.
      3. Join a convent.
      4. Steal a boat and find a deserted island cut off from all other civilization.
      5. ???
      6. Profit!

      Srsly. Thanks for the reminder as to why I need to stick to asexuality with BC as backup until I can at least check number 1 off! :X

    • noelle 02

      I’m feeling a sense of impending doom here. My kids are eleven, nine, and five and I can’t relate to hardly any of this. My oldest spit up on my face once. Middle threw up all over my lap once. Youngest put his hand on his dirty bum during a change once. Something horrific must be on the horizon because I’m generally not lucky.

    • Véronique the Attachment Shark

      In the morning when my daughter wakes up, I often bring her into bed with me and put on a movie for her while I snooze some more. Right now she’s really into taking her diaper off… and at one point I just feel her PEEING ALL OVER MY FACE. Yup. And you know the grossest part of it? I wasn’t even grossed out. Just fucking surprised by the fact that someone was peeing on my face!!! :s

    • https://twitter.com/perfctlyflawd1 JenH1986

      Yep. this parenting thing just sounds more and more fun!

    • Ursi

      I’m not going to lie to you, I’d rather eat a bug than the rest of that list.

      I’ve got a thing about human… stuff. Can’t deal with it. Can clean up dog and cat poop and vomit all day. Don’t care. Wipe the cat’s butt. Move on. Fish breath. Move on.

      But humans? Oh god. I begged to sit with the adults even when I was a kid at family meals because the children grossed me out so much.

    • Jem

      I had my son in the spring so he wasn’t really active in the car until fall/winter. I remember that next spring, two older coworkers who had multiple kids warned me about the “spring thaw” where all the nasty smells from things your kids threw, dropped or barfed up all winter thaw out and come back STRONG. Somehow the winter subdues these smells. But it’s a real thing and it’s gross.

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    • PAJane

      Serious question: Why does anybody eat soggy toddler food? WHY?

      • Nicole

        Because it’s there. Sometimes it’s a thought of, this is perfectly good, gently used food, don’t waste it. Sometimes it’s that there’s nowhere easier to put it at moment.

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