Parenting is gross. This is a biological fact. The epic grossness of parenting is something they simply don’t spend enough time emphasizing in high school biology classrooms. In my scant ten years as a mom, I’ve encountered more feces than a porno movie of the scatological variety. I know everything there is to know about poop, including which sugary breakfast cereals make it turn green (all of them, apparently).
You know how every parent has a imaginary line drawn in the sand that marks off all the things they simply won’t do? Well over the years I’ve re-drawn my line again and again as I’ve found myself gleefully doing things I swore I’d never do. Below are just a smattering of those things.
10. Scooping poop out of…well, everything
Name something, anything even vaguely bucket-like and I bet one of my kids has shat in it. Mop bucket? Crapped in. Empty planter that my Nana brought over? Shit city. Why does this happen? I don’t know, ask my kids. But it’s happened often enough that I have a pair of tongs I keep around just for the errant turds I am liable to find around my home.
9. Did I mention the poop? It gets everywhere.
I can’t stress to you enough just how much fecal matter I have encountered as a parent. My kids have managed to get poop all the way up their backs, into their hair and on the EYEBROWS. That is some serious shit. I call that an atomic wedgie shit. Unfortunately it’s not as fun to clean as it is to say.
8. Delousing WILL happen at last once
NYC had a historic lice epidemic, so you know my kids were first in line. After what seemed like 100 hours, five lice combs, and a week-log case of the willies later, we finally blew through $800 to get rid of the little fuckers. At one point it looked like my one kid’s scalp was MOVING. *Shudder*
7. I’ve handle more boogers than you can imagine
You know how kids have a habit of handing you random things they no longer wanna hold? Yup, this includes boogers. SO many boogers…
6. Cleaning things from various orifices
I could regale you with all the snot/poop/vomit covered objects I’ve recovered over the years, but instead I will give you my coup de grace. One time I opened a package and I shit you not a giant flying bug came barreling out, flew straight into my daughter’s ear and wouldn’t budge. I had to grab a pair of tweezers to dig the little bastard out. Then it flew into my mouth. My MOUTH. And I panicked and swallowed it.
I’ll let that sink in for a moment…
If that isn’t love, then I don’t know what it.
5. Spit cleaning is a real thing
How else am I supposed to get that smudge of dirt off my kid’s face? A wet nap?