10 Hilariously Terrible Ways To Talk To Your Kids About Sex

nope sex talkLet’s face it. No parent looks forward to “The Talk.” The birds and the bees have been an uncomfortable rite of passage for parents and teens since the beginning of time, and the information area has only made it worse. In an age where one keystroke can bring up every conceivable type of sexual fetish and flavor known to man, how do you tactfully go about talking to your kids about sex?

Some folks like to say that there is no right or wrong way to have “The Talk.” They would be moron. Of course there is a wrong way. There are many, many wrong ways. Ways like…

1. Sister Act Method

married to Jesus meme


“You can’t have sex until you’re 45-years-old and married…to JESUS.

2. The Bees and Flowers

birds and the bees meme


“Don’t let your boyfriend’s sharp painful man-rod penetrate your delicate flower petals or his poisonous bee venom will KILL you. ” Alternatively; The Birds and the Bees.

3. Chewed Gum

slutty gum


“You are like a cheap piece of chewing gum. Great when you’re first opened, but gross when you’ve been passed around and chewed on. Remember, no one wants the slutty piece of Juicy Fruit.”

4. Passed Around Candy Bar

slutty candy bar


Same as the Chewed Gum analogy, only grosser because nuts.

5. Super Technical 

“Well the penis goes into the vaginal cavity BLAH BLAH BLAH semen, BLAH BLAH BLAH hymenal tearing…you get the picture. TOO much of the picture. ”

6. Gonzo Style

Gonzo style means you let your teen (18+ only, obv) sit through the grosses, most disgusting 20 minutes of gonzo-style porn your can imagine. Butt stuff. ALL the butt stuff. You might never have grand kids, but it will do the trick.

7. Bubble Boy Method

no glove no love


Force your kid to live in a sex-free bubble until either your die of old age, or they escape and immediately run away to Las Vegas to marry a lion tamer and live like Andrew Dice Clay.

8. The Socratic Method

real sex talk


Answering a question with a question. Only instead of doing this for intellectual stimulation, you do this because your kid’s been on the Internet since she was nine and knows more than you do.

9. Deny and Deflect

Futurama Fry Denial Meme


Sex? What’s that? Babies are made when two people who love each other collect box tops and send away for one through Stork magazine. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Alternatively; GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!

10. Reverse Psychology

yippie ki yay


You should totes have sex. Here are 100 condoms, some warm up lube, a double headed purple dildo and some Spanish fly. Now all you gotta do is buy two tickets for the Bang train to Bone and Groan City. Hippie Ki Yay, muthafucka!

(Photo: Memegenerator.net)

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  • Lackadaisical

    Birds and the bees? In many species of bird the male doesn’t actually have a penis and they just rub cloacal holes against each other and hope for the best (often called a cloacal kiss I believe). Yes, a cock does not actually have a cock for most (but not all) bird species, including chickens and pigeons. I think evolutionarily speaking the advantage is that the female is less likely to want to run away from sex, but the downside is that fertilisation is harder. As for bees … they are really kinky.

    I ended up having to do the sex talk earlier than the rest of the class for my eldest as some of his classmates had watched films with sex scenes as early 7 and had told him all kinds of things about it that were wrong but had enough truth in them that I needed to set the record straight. Doing the sex talk early makes the whole thing far less embarrassing for both you and your kid, I absolutely recommend it.

    • AP

      Tell your kids about cat sex. The cat penis is barbed and because it’s so painful, the female cat bites and claws the male cat to get him to stop, while he must bite and claw the female cat to force her into submission.

      Or goose sex. Goose sex is equally violent and disturbing (though without barbed penises.)

    • Lackadaisical

      I assume that geese are similar to ducks, and have a corkscrew penis that goes in a corkscrew vagina … that coils in the opposite direction. So basically birds can’t be trusted with cocks as when they have them they use them for eeeeevil.

    • Sara610

      What the everloving hell?! The cat penis is BARBED? What could possibly be the evolutionary point in that?!

    • Fawn

      I think it’s something like to scrape out other males’ semen, or something like that.. And maybe some other reasons as well- it’s been a long time since I learned this.

    • http://www.benwhoski.com/ Benwhoski

      I don’t think there’s a definitive answer on why the cat penis is barbed, but I’ve heard/read two possible explanations for it:

      1.) The scraping on the vaginal walls somehow helps to trigger ovulation.

      2.) The scraping causes bleeding which dries and “seals” the vaginal opening, helping to prevent rival males from mating with that female.

    • WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

      I have heard that it is barbed so that the female cat can’t run away before the male is finished. The barbs go in one direction (sort of like the barb on a fish hook). It’s fine going in, but reverse….

    • Kimberly
    • Kimberly

      Probably why kitties are everywhere. That and their brain controlling parasites.

  • Spongeworthy
  • Eric Khalifa


  • Guy C

    Back when I was your age we never had any of this new fangled sex nonsense. We just sent away to the mail order at the back of the comic book and one day this stork showed up. I was sure I ordered the x-ray specs, but you should see the quality of the printing.

  • Diana

    My mom never talked to me about sex. She just gave me a medical encyclopaedia and said to come ti her with any questions… I didn’t need to because I had a medical encyclopaedia.

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