Let’s face it. No parent looks forward to “The Talk.” The birds and the bees have been an uncomfortable rite of passage for parents and teens since the beginning of time, and the information area has only made it worse. In an age where one keystroke can bring up every conceivable type of sexual fetish and flavor known to man, how do you tactfully go about talking to your kids about sex?
Some folks like to say that there is no right or wrong way to have “The Talk.” They would be moron. Of course there is a wrong way. There are many, many wrong ways. Ways like…
1. Sister Act Method
“You can’t have sex until you’re 45-years-old and married…to JESUS.
2. The Bees and Flowers
“Don’t let your boyfriend’s sharp painful man-rod penetrate your delicate flower petals or his poisonous bee venom will KILL you. ” Alternatively; The Birds and the Bees.
3. Chewed Gum
“You are like a cheap piece of chewing gum. Great when you’re first opened, but gross when you’ve been passed around and chewed on. Remember, no one wants the slutty piece of Juicy Fruit.”
4. Passed Around Candy Bar
Same as the Chewed Gum analogy, only grosser because nuts.
5. Super Technical
“Well the penis goes into the vaginal cavity BLAH BLAH BLAH semen, BLAH BLAH BLAH hymenal tearing…you get the picture. TOO much of the picture. ”
6. Gonzo Style
Gonzo style means you let your teen (18+ only, obv) sit through the grosses, most disgusting 20 minutes of gonzo-style porn your can imagine. Butt stuff. ALL the butt stuff. You might never have grand kids, but it will do the trick.
7. Bubble Boy Method
Force your kid to live in a sex-free bubble until either your die of old age, or they escape and immediately run away to Las Vegas to marry a lion tamer and live like Andrew Dice Clay.
8. The Socratic Method
Answering a question with a question. Only instead of doing this for intellectual stimulation, you do this because your kid’s been on the Internet since she was nine and knows more than you do.
9. Deny and Deflect
Sex? What’s that? Babies are made when two people who love each other collect box tops and send away for one through Stork magazine. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Alternatively; GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!
10. Reverse Psychology
You should totes have sex. Here are 100 condoms, some warm up lube, a double headed purple dildo and some Spanish fly. Now all you gotta do is buy two tickets for the Bang train to Bone and Groan City. Hippie Ki Yay, muthafucka!