Infomercials take place in an alternative universe where up is down, left is right and no one knows how to do anything without the help of some overpriced, cutely named product with an “As Seen on TV” label. The most inept citizen of Infomercial Land is the infomercial mom. This type of mom is an attractive-but-non-threatening 35-45-year-old middle class woman in mom jeans who just can’t get ANYTHING right.
10. GoJo Hands-Free
Look at this mom. What would she do without the GoJo Hands-Free dork-o-rama 3000 or whatever it’s called? Only chumps use real hands-free devices. And it’s still more attractive than a Bluetooth.
Do you love the look of beautiful, soft curly hair, but lack the common sense to just buy a damn curling iron or some rollers like a normal mom? Well do I have a product for you!
8. Perfect Slicer
If I’ve learned anything from Infomercials, it’s that moms CANNOT figure out how to use a knife. An overly complicated slicing contraption? No problem! A tool that’s been around since before the invention of the wheel? NOPE.
7. Jiffy Fries
This mom is thinking “Fries are SO HARD. So very, very HARD,” as she cries deeply into her sippy cup of chardonnay.
6. No Spill Chill
The guy in this infomercial literally says “Oops! Uh oh! Look out! Lets’s face it, getting your ice cube tray from the sink to the freezer is like balancing on a tight rope!” Yup, and washing your dishes is like battling a grizzly bear in the Colorado rapids. Totally the same thing.
5. Magic Steamwave There is nothing worse to an Infomercial mom than dry, rubbery chicken…even a kitchen filling up with noxious smoke, apparently. Thankfully this clever mom has the Magic Steamwave so her little snowflakes will be able to enjoy tender cutlets moments before succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning. Yay?
Everyone loves spaghetti, but we’re moms, so we’re much too FAT to eat actual carbs, sillies! Look at this poor mom, she’s misrable. And ya know why?
You didn’t think only the moms were incompetent fools in Infomercial Land, did you? This dad is all kinds of messed up here. If only he had a device that held a tiny fraction of the amount of chips in that bowl and an ounce of whatever disappointing non-booze drink he was imbibing…or literally anything else. A tray, a coffee table, anything.
2. Cat Lick
No, I’m not talking about what Archie Bunker and/or my Brooklyn born Grandpa called Catholics. No, the Cat Lick Groomer is the perfect product for moms who probably shouldn’t own pets or children.
1. Hollywood Jeans
Infomercial moms and mom jeans are like John Boehner and Orangey Tan-In-A-Can. You can’t have one without the other.