Here at Mommyish, we’ve always been very supportive of the Childfree community. Personally, I can only imagine how frustrating it must be when child-ed folks badger childfree people with their incessant rounds of Breeder Bingo (ie: asking presumptuous and often judgey questions like “who will take care of you when you’re old?). So I totally understand the sometimes heated language that a certain, miniscule portion of (not all!) childfree people use when talking about /trolling us baby-makers. Childfree folks seriously come up with the best breeder insults, and below are some of my faves.
*I want to stress that this type of stuff comes from only a tiny portion of the childfree community. The vast, vast majority of CF folks, like all people, just wanna live and let live!*
When a breeder is babystalking, they are trying to entice their childfree brethren to have babies by spamming them with unwanted photos of their own “precious” offspring. If you engage in this kind of activity, don’t be surprised when your CF buddy goes apeshit on your annoying ass. Just stop, you’re making us look bad. #NotAllBreeders
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but understand that when a childfree person refers to a brat, they aren’t talking about all children, merely bratty kids who have no discipline. Let ye who has not called your unruly neighbor’s kid a brat throw the first stone, I say.
Crotchfruit are obviously fruit from le crotch, as if that needed an explanation. Much like brat, this is often used to refer to out of control kids, though I’ve also seen it used to describe all breeder offspring (again, only by a vocal minority! #NotAllChildfree) Either way, it’s hilarious.
Opinions on IVF aside (as far as I’m concerned, it’s none of my business how people spend their money and/or conceive), you gotta admit that this is an apt insult, especially when you’re talking about someone like Octomom or the Gosselin crew. And it just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Say it with me now, “FUCKTUPLETS.” Doesn’t that just feel right?
Kindercrap is all the crap parents acquire in their journey through breederhood, especially all the bullshit unnecessary shit. Examples of kindercrap include stupid shit like The Baby Bullet, pacifier wipes (seriously, wtf?) and luxury bassinets.
I think we’re all familiar with the term snowflake here. Breeders have done a pretty good job of co-opting this term to playfully poke fun at parental obsession. But originally snowflake had a very specific meaning to certain childfree folks, and it wasn’t pretty. From the hilarious Ramona Creel:
“those perfect-precious-little-darlings who are taught from birth by their parents that they are unique and special, much more special than anyone else on the planet — they grow up to feel the world owes them everything, with an entitlement-mentality to the nth degree — the worst possible spoiled brats out there”
Yeah, so maybe we could keep this in mind the next time we jokingly call our kids our “precious snowflakes?”
From Urban Dictionary‘s definition, Sprog basically seems like just another word for crotchfruit. But I wanted to include it because it’s deliciously British sounding and I feel super fancy when I use it.
Moo stands for “mother obsessed with offspring” and typically refers to clueless moms who refuse to move at a normal pace in public, instead insisting that the world bend to her will and slow down because she and her snowflakes are present.
An entitlemoo is a moo (see above) who thinks her ability to parent or conceive makes her above reproach and deserving of ridiculous special treatment. Often used online when preggos post bitchy statuses about a lack of “expecting parking” or some other trivial complaint.
10. Crotch Droppings
I saved the best for last. The first time I saw this phrase used I literally spat the wine I was drinking out of my mouth onto my laptop. Crotch dropping needs no explanation, but I think Urban Dictionary sums it up pretty well:
“ A child or infant who is the bane of childfree people everywhere.
Refers to loud, smarmy, asshole brats named ‘Connor’, ‘Porter’, and ‘Brittany’ who have usually been birthed by clueless, dipshit parents.
“Beth took advantage of her company’s maternity leave absence by squeezing out yet another crotch dropping”
Perfection. Just perfection.