7 Children’s Toys That Look Like Sex Toys

Children are the future, and as parents we’re supposed to care for them and protect their innocence (except when it’s time for The Cleveland Show). And what do kids love more than toys. But some toy designers must be either naive or incredibly perverted, because there are a lot of children’s toys that look like sex toys. Here are seven. You’re welcome.

1. Sixfinger Toy

This is an oldie but a goodie. The 60′s must have been a much more innocent time (or toy creators were just crazy, ballsy bastards).

What it actually looks like:

A pocket rocket sex toy. There is no way you can see these two things next to each other and not see the similarities. Did sex toys even exist in the 1960′s? I don’t know, but if they did, then there are some octogenarian toy designers with some explaining to do.

2. The Face Bank

Okay, let’s put aside for a moment that fact that this thing is fucking creepy as hell. I think that’s obvious. As creepy as it is, I can totally understand the draw this would have for little kid. Who doesn’t want to stuff coins down this little guy’s throat? I know I do.

What it actually looks like

A sex wedge. Can’t you just picture scooting your ass up on that thing while you and your partner get your freak on? Well, if you couldn’t before, you’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?

3. Punisher Shape Shifter Toy

Yes, this was real, and it’s perverted in so many ways. This toy was part of the Punisher “Shape Shifters” series (which was a blatant rip off of Transformers, but I digress). Look at it. That crotch rocket, that fist of ass pounding rage. Those steely, ready-to-bang eyes. There is nothing NOT pervy about this toy.

What it actually looks like:

A strap on dildo. The Punisher’s crotch looks primed and ready for some sweet, sweet pegging action. It’s actually kinda hot, if you think about it.

4. Mr. Bucket

Do I even have to explain how pervy this thing sounds? The lyrics to the toy’s theme song are:

“I’m Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top; I’m Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop; I’m Mr. Bucket, we’re all gonna run; I’m Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun! I’m Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth; I’m Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I’m about; I’m Mr. Bucket, we’re all gonna run; I’m Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun! “

Seriously, did Mr. Herbert from Family Guy write this song? WTF?

What it actually looks like:

A blow up sex doll. Come on, the lyrics say it all. Balls popping in and out of mouths? I think Mr. Bucket was originally a failed oral sex toy, and when the creator couldn’t sell it as a masturbation device, he said “fuck it” and sold that shit to Milton Bradley.

5. Tuttuki Bako Finger Game Box

Amazon.com

Amazon.com

What the actual fuck is this shit? Seriously, can anyone tell me? This is the product description on Amazon:

“Features several fun mini games
Use your finger to manipulate the virtual finger”

I have so many questions. How many games can there really be for one finger? What if you have fat fingers? Why?

What it actually looks like:

virtual sex toy

tuvie.com

A virtual sex toy. That bad boy up there is a long distance, virtual sex toy for couples, and that is exactly what the finger box game looks like to me.

6. Frooze Pops

Frooze Pops

YouTube.com

This isn’t technically a toy, but it was still marketed to kids, and it’s disgusting looking. In case you don’t remember, the Frooze Pop was a phallus shaped candy device that oozed goo into kid’s mouths. Yup, you read that right.

What it actually looks like:

8 inch chocolate penis treat

unindecent.com

Chocolate penis treat. This is a real sex toy/yummy treat from the wonderful folks at United Indecent Pleasures, and it’s a thing of awe and beauty.

7. Harry Potter Vibrating Broom

Amazon.com

Amazon.com

The current version of this toy no longer vibrates, but the original version seems to have been an ill-advised sex toy for children, even if that wasn’t the creator’s intent. How this got past multiple people without anyone thinking “how could this be misconstrued as dirty?” is beyond me.

What it actually looks like

The Harry Potter Vibrating Broom. Yes, Mattel recalled this for obvious reasons (at least obvious to anyone who isn’t a Mattel toy designer) but you can still find this mofo on eBay, and why accept a substitute for your perverted, geeky wanking, amirite?

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    • Katherine Handcock

      I’m glad I’m not the only one who is freaked out by the face bank….

    • http://overthecuckoonest.blogspot.com/ Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      I now want a Harry Pottery vibrating broom.

      *trots off to ebay*

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