• Thu, Jun 19 - 1:30 pm ET

If You Throw Your Daughter A Menarche Party Don’t Forget The Vagina Cake

There is truly nothing–nothingthat parents won’t throw a party for, as evidenced by my horrifying traversal down the rabbit hole this morning, a nightmarish journey that culminated with me Googling “period cakes” and “red tent party ideas” before curling into the fetal position to rock myself into soothing numbness.

It all started with this incredibly hilarious video, put out by the same people who did “Camp Gyno”, advertising Hello Flo, a menstrual supply company. Please stop whatever you are doing right now and join me in heroizing the fictional mom in this hilarious, hilarious, commercial:

What makes it so painfully hilarious is how absurd it is; who the hell would ever throw a party for their daughter’s first menses? Fucked-up people, that’s who. And I don’t need to tell you that there’s no shortage of those in today’s parenting world. 

If you need more proof that parenting is becoming more of a narcissistic “all about me” endeavor that has nothing to do with kids for some reason, let it be the many supplies and accessories you can purchase for your daughter’s first moon/ red tent party:

First you need the invitations, obviously:

You’ll need supplies:

No party is complete without games:

 

And then you’ll need some food once all of the guests get there:

You guys, I am so sorry that you had to see this, but there was no way I was going to suffer in silence. Now go back and watch that video again to cleanse your palate.

I am all for celebrating this milestone, just not with fondant tampons. I can teach my child to love her body and not be ashamed of her period all day and every day but it is a rare child who wants a bunch of people to be thinking about her period while eating uterus cookies.

Why not just go get some ice cream or something?

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  • K2

    It’s ridiculous anyway, the notion of womanhood starting then.. some girls get their period really early.. Can they not still enjoy their childhood? Yikes.

    • wispy

      Seriously. I remember in 6th grade a friend having a talk with me about she was a woman now and things were going to change. I was like huh? She beat around the bush about womanhood and starting her period and I was just lost. I kind of moped like well dang, I don’t have anyone to play kickball with now? It was depressing. Looking back it was absolutely ridiculous.

    • scooby23

      EXACTLY! I have been thinking this for soooooo long. TWO of my best friends got their period when they were TEN. A TEN YEAR OLD IS NOT AN ADULT. I REPEAT: A TEN YEAR OLD IS NOT AN ADULT. And neither is a 12 year old who got her period, or a 14 year old who got her period, or even a 16 year old who got her period. But yet we consider them adults. And then we complain about kids growing up too fast these days!
      Spidery for the rant, but… UGH.

  • Momma425

    There’s a TAMPON in a cake.
    Great dieting tecnique. Everytime I crave sweets, I am going to picture bloody period tampon cake.

  • chickadee

    Those cookies look like dogs…..they look like Gromit!

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      HELL YES THEY DO

    • chickadee

      Gromit the reproductive system?

    • whiteroses

      I was going to say Shaun the Sheep, but Gromit too :)

    • chickadee

      Aardman…..for all of your Cartoon Organ needs.

  • CMJ
    • Bethany Ramos

      It is the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

    • Jeanne William

      tіl­&nbspі­&nbsplՕՕked­&nbspat­&nbsptհe­&nbspbaոk­&nbspdraft­&nbsp4­&nbsp$4208,­&nbspі­&nbspbe­&nbspсertaіո­&nbsptհat…my…­&nbspсՕսsіո­&nbspwՕz­&nbsplіke­&nbsptհey­&nbspsay­&nbspaсtսaley­&nbsptakіոg­&nbspհՕme­&nbspmՕոey­&nbspіո­&nbsptհere­&nbspsрare­&nbsptіme­&nbspfrՕm­&nbsptհeіr­&nbsplaрtՕр..­&nbsptհere­&nbspfrіeոd­&nbspbrՕtհer­&nbspհas­&nbspbeeո­&nbspdՕіոg­&nbsptհіs­&nbspfՕr­&nbspՕոly­&nbspeіgհteeո­&nbspmՕոtհs­&nbspaոd­&nbspjսst­&nbspreрaіd­&nbsptհe­&nbspmՕrtgage­&nbspՕո­&nbsptհeіr­&nbspaррartmeոt­&nbspaոd­&nbspgՕt­&nbspa­&nbspgreat­&nbspոew­&nbspрeսgeՕt­&nbsp205­&nbspGTі.­&nbspgՕ­&nbsptՕ,…&nbsphttp://Mademoneydailyonline&#x32&#48&#x31&#52windbdjc2I

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    • http://overthecuckoonest.blogspot.com/ Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      I really need some bleach.

    • SunnyD847

      So so so so so so WRONG!

  • Guest

    Why does anyone care when a girl’s vagina bleeds? This is 2014, she ain’t getting married off. That cake is disturbing but that commercial was delightful.

    • SunnyD847

      I want that mom to be my new BFF

  • bea

    If my mom ever did that to me I’d sucker punch her in the vagina

  • Kendra

    OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That cake…BLEGH. I’m going to vomit. BLEGH. WHYYYYY!?!?!?!?! Okay, I’m sorry about that outburst. Back to what I was going to say before I saw that picture, I totally object to this party. BUT, I don’t object to girl’s learning more about their anatomy, like in that little bingo game or whatever that was. There are so many things I was never taught and was embarrassed to find out when I was pregnant, of all times. Moreover, those cookies look like the nope octopus, so I support them.

    • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

      I’ll admit to thinking those cookies were octopi at first. And then I realized they were uterus cookies and I was like “WHY DO THEY HAVE EYES?!?!?!”

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      your uterus sees all. ALL.

    • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

      *shudder* excuse me while I go rip it out now.

    • Rebecca R

      I love you so much for using the proper plural form of octopus. I was helping chaperone a class at the botanical gardens a few weeks ago and the tour guide said ‘cactuses’ and I audibly corrected her before I could catch myself.

    • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

      lol I probably would have done the same thing.
      And I’m pretty proud of myself for using the proper plural, it’s not a word I get to use too often ;)

    • Rachel Sea

      The guide was not wrong. Cactuses and cactus are both correct plurals, in addition to cacti. Octopus, octopi, octopuses and octopodes are all correct plurals for octopus.

    • Harriet Meadow

      I prefer “octopodes” myself, since the word properly comes from Greek and not Latin…

    • Rachel Sea
    • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

      That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking of!!

    • Spongeworthy

      I can maybe see the bingo game done in a health class or sex ex talk? Maybe? But playing that at a party with my friends….no thank you.

    • Kendra

      Definitely!

  • Sara610

    That cake is the most vomiticious thing I’ve seen EVER. BLAAAAAHHHH I just threw up.

  • noodlestein

    Off to find a dull spoon to gouge my eyes out. Thanks. #Jesusbeamindbleacher

    • jane

      I totally read your hashtag as Jesus beam in da bleacher.

      Which doesn’t make sense at all, in case you were wondering.

      Got it now, though.

  • Maria Guido

    I CANNOT believe menarche parties r us exists.

  • Rachel Sea

    The tampon cake is the best diet dessert that has ever been. I may never eat another pastry.

    One of my friends, bless her heart, threw a Moon Party for her daughter, who was appropriately mortified. This is of course the woman who facebooks looooong posts, with pictures, about the boil on her daughter’s ass.

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      no thank you please

    • Spongeworthy

      Oh my…it’s already mortifying enough being a tween/teen, and then you get your period, and then mom invites 20 of your closest friends to announce to everyone you got your period? I don’t think I would have been able to leave my room.

    • Rachel Sea

      Not just 20 of your friends, but 20 of HER friends as well. Because a girl can’t be welcomed to womanhood without a bunch of grown-ups she hardly knows.

  • SA

    I have to remember to NOT CLICK any Mommyish post with the word vagina!! That cake is forever etched in my mind and I now must go clean my browser history again! :)

  • Renee J

    OMG. I might show my eleven year old daughter this.

    • Spongeworthy

      It could be a good thing to threaten her with. “If you don’t clean your room, I am throwing you a period party young lady!”

  • Spongeworthy

    I’m trying to figure out how many drugs I’d have to take to make a cake like that and then serve it to my guests. And to also think that it’s a totally normal and acceptable thing to do.

  • CrazyFor Kate

    I’m pretty sure if my mom had thrown one of these for me I would never have left my room again. Jesus Christ.

  • http://overthecuckoonest.blogspot.com/ Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    That cake is horrifying.

    Cersei approves, though. Sansa, however, does not.

    • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

      Hahaha, Sansa would be trying to stab it with a knife. Poor Sansa.

    • http://overthecuckoonest.blogspot.com/ Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

      Or burn it, perhaps.

  • Rebecca R

    I thought it was bad enough when the news spread by phone that my husband’s cousin got her first period. That is not something anyone else needs to know.

  • DeanaCal

    I was pretty stunned when the mom of my daughter’s friend sent me a text message that “Julie started her period today!!!”

    I’m not even very close friends with that mom – they used to live in our neighborhood, and the girls go to the same school and hang out with each other once in a while, but the other mom and I are not close enough for me to need that information!

    • wispy

      Seriously that is beyond inappropriate. I would have died if my mom did that.

  • Jennie Blair

    Man people must have way too much money on their hands if a period requires a whole party, I’m sure the poor tween/teen won’t be mortified at all by their “surprise! Your vagina bleeds and uncle Lewis came to celebrate it!”

  • AP

    Whilst this is all awful, a discrete gift of cake or something would be a much appreciated consolation prize to accompany the onset of 40 years of bleeding. Kind of like a get well present or the stuff you bring to someone going through a breakup.

    • whiteroses

      I got a pint of chocolate ice cream and an “I’m sorry” from my cousin (we have horrendously painful periods in my family).

      That was about as far as I wished to go with anyone knowing I was having my period.

    • SunnyD847

      I don’t want to give my kid a complex about her period, but I really can’t be a hypocrite and act like “Yay! Bleeding and cramps and bloating! Hooray!”

  • wispy

    I won’t be eating for the rest of the day. I will bookmark this page and visit whenever I feel I need to lose a few pounds.

  • 2Well

    Next they’ll start throwing parties for a girl losing her virginity.

  • CanLeigh

    My mother told everyone single person she knew much to my utter and complete mortification. In hind sight I see she could have done much much worse. I mean, why????

  • Mad Overlord

    This makes me wonder so much. I wanted nobody to know that I started my period ever. I have a bunch of sisters and I assume that they eventually got theirs, but celebrating it? I think a talk between mother and daughter would be appropriate, but not a celebration – and not the cake. I can not unsee it…

    • Harriet Meadow

      My parents didn’t like, run around telling all their friends and family or anything, but when my Mom told my Dad, he decided it was time for a celebration, so we went out to a nice restaurant for dinner. When the waitress asked if it was a special occasion, my Dad told her why we were there. I was MORTIFIED…although it was kind of cool that my Dad was so comfortable with the whole thing.

    • jane

      I can’t believe your story didn’t end with “and then I died right then, and I am currently typing this as a ghost.”

      Because is absolutely what would have happened to me if my father had done that.

    • Mad Overlord

      I think I would have died if my father would have said anything about it at all. But I just bit my arm and it hurt, so apparently my desire for secrecy was accepted and I am not a ghost either. Can ghosts type?

  • Rodiansinger

    When I got my fist period my mom cornered me in the bathroom, pointed to my underwear and said “you know what that is right?” And then she showed me where the pads were and how to put them on and that was it. There was no party, no cake, no fancy dinner not even much of a talk really. That’s how it should be.
    How could these women do THIS to their daughters?

  • blh

    That cake…..is literally the worst. There is nothing worse than that cake.

  • scooby23

    Imagine getting an invitation to one of these parties!

    “You’re invited! Please come and help us mortify our daughter McLiadatreedariverreeda by holding an uncomfortable party during an already awkward time for her with our closest friends and family, doing some health class bingo, and eating a horrifyingly graphic vagina cake! Hope you can come!”

  • Rowan

    I do remember the whole “have you started yet?” whispers and feeling even more alienated than usual because I hadn’t. But the Puberty Fairy was driving a fucking truck by the time she finally visited me – boobs overnight and a first period which would make Wes Craven queasy. So I’m kind of pissed off I never got a cake for going through all that, actually.

  • tSubh Dearg

    Those are clearly not uterus cookies, they are cute little octopod cookies. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!

  • Shelly Lloyd

    When I was a pre-teen I never understood the whole “I can not wait to get my first period” thing. It was bloody, gross, freaking painful and made you miserable both physical and emotionally. Why the ever living fuck do you want to make it start sooner? My first period I was like “Oh shit. Not now.”

  • Shelly Lloyd

    I do have to say that I giggled like made at that commercial. And I have to head out to work in a few minutes, and one of the things I have to do today is decorate cupcakes….those vagina cupcakes are going to haunt my work day….and god forbid if I have to do a cake today…..And yes, we have had request for vagina/baby shower cakes. Which we turn down.

  • ILoveJellybeans

    OMG that last cake. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???????????