There is truly nothing–nothingthat parents won’t throw a party for, as evidenced by my horrifying traversal down the rabbit hole this morning, a nightmarish journey that culminated with me Googling “period cakes” and “red tent party ideas” before curling into the fetal position to rock myself into soothing numbness.

It all started with this incredibly hilarious video, put out by the same people who did “Camp Gyno”, advertising Hello Flo, a menstrual supply company. Please stop whatever you are doing right now and join me in heroizing the fictional mom in this hilarious, hilarious, commercial:

What makes it so painfully hilarious is how absurd it is; who the hell would ever throw a party for their daughter’s first menses? Fucked-up people, that’s who. And I don’t need to tell you that there’s no shortage of those in today’s parenting world. 

If you need more proof that parenting is becoming more of a narcissistic “all about me” endeavor that has nothing to do with kids for some reason, let it be the many supplies and accessories you can purchase for your daughter’s first moon/ red tent party:

First you need the invitations, obviously:

You’ll need supplies:

No party is complete without games:

 

And then you’ll need some food once all of the guests get there:

You guys, I am so sorry that you had to see this, but there was no way I was going to suffer in silence. Now go back and watch that video again to cleanse your palate.

I am all for celebrating this milestone, just not with fondant tampons. I can teach my child to love her body and not be ashamed of her period all day and every day but it is a rare child who wants a bunch of people to be thinking about her period while eating uterus cookies.

Why not just go get some ice cream or something?