• Fri, Jun 13 - 1:36 pm ET

STFU Parents: Happy Father’s Day To Funny Dads On Facebook

In case you haven’t been reading the internet or noticing the signs in every single retail outlet across America and beyond, Father’s Day is this Sunday! Go, dads! In honor of this very important Day of Dad — the day in which we all try to come up with stuff that dads like aside from grilling, golfing, drinking beer, and wearing socks — I’ve chosen to go the celebratory route for the third year in a row. Sure, I could write a column about deadbeat dads and point out how many single mothers use Father’s Day as an opportunity to trash their kids’ father(s) on social media, but you know, that’s not nearly as fun as giving props to funny dads who have earned Gold Stars.

What’s more entertaining — a column filled with dad jokes, or a column that highlights the bazillion memes floating around Facebook that look like this:

__1. Father's day_mothers.jpg

 

__2. Father's Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If reading the above status update has caused you to wonder, “How come I never knew about the ‘Bitchin’ Mothers UNCUT’ page?!?”, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Actually, maybe you are alone, but FYI there is a ‘Bitchin’ Mothers UNCUT’ page (in my mind I add an extra “bitch” at the end, making it ‘Bitchin’ Mothers UNCUT, bitch!’), and that is the page that all the angry mothers can turn to for relief on this most distressing upcoming Sunday. I’m sure the page will be filled with delightful fake Someecards similar to the above, but tweaked ever-so-slightly so there are at least 25 different variations that say the same thing (e.g. “Happy Father’s Day, wherever the hell you are.”; “Happy Father’s Day, you lying sack of garbage.”; “Happy Father’s Day, I hope you’re enjoying prison, you worthless piece of shit.”; and so on). And yes, I know there are many fathers out there who don’t even deserve the prestigious title of “dad,” and that Father’s Day can be hard for some moms, and especially hard on their kids, for that reason.

However, there are some really great dads out there, too, and that is what this column is about. So screw the hate parade! Let’s celebrate the good guys today. Here are five examples of dads being funny on Facebook, in the daddest of ways.

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  • Lisa Walker

    Those Father’s Day memes from single moms slamming the father or ‘happy Father’s Day to the mom that does it all’ bugs me. Although there are less single dads than moms raising their kids on their own, you don’t see the single dads posting memes like that on Mother’s Day.

    • Jennie Blair

      It just seems like another way to go “look at me! I’m better than you because I am both parents! You’re just the douche whose juice I used!”

    • OnionButt

      Haha to “juice”. Reminded me of the old Starburst commercials with the tagline “the juice is loose” aka that douche’s juice was (let) loose. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAOwyzGtVIo

    • K.

      Plus, it’s like Father’s Day is to celebrate fatherHOOD–ie, people who actually perform their role of being a dad, not douchebags who inseminated someone, so to rail against it rubs me the wrong way.

    • Katherine Handcock

      Yes, this! Celebrate your Dad, stepdad, father figure (coach, mentor, whatever) or nobody, as is appropriate.

    • Joseph

      Stepdad??? can’t understand

    • AP

      I always felt that those cards were just to placate left out kids. “Look Timmy, you can give your MOM the Father’s Day macaroni pencil cup because she does it all. You’re no different from the other kids and you shouldn’t feel different because MOM is a dad too!”

    • Di Another Day

      Every time I see something like that, the response I want to give is, “Shut up. You already had your special day. Just for one damn day of the year, you don’t get to make it all about about you.”

  • Lamb

    I love Joshua. Absolutely love.

    • Joye77

      Joshua for the win!

  • whiteroses

    The whole @EndFathersDay trend on Twitter bugs the crap out of me, mostly because of dads like this. Just like there are bad moms *gasp*, there are bad dads. Seems to me, though, that most single dads just get on with it and don’t spend time yakking about it on social media. There’s something to be said for that.

    • Jem

      that’s a thing? How terrible.

    • whiteroses

      It’s a hoax, but people are getting really riled up about it.

    • Spongeworthy

      Do you think some of that is because there is still a lot of stigma surrounding being a single mom, so they maybe feel the need to “defend” themselves more? Whereas being a single dad is still somewhat rare and the men who are tend to be held up as these wonderful creatures who are so selfless and giving. I’m not trying to argue. I’m genuinely interested in your point of view.
      I’ve been thinking about this lately. My sister is a single mom. She’s dating a guy who has 2 kids from a previous marriage. The treatment she gets being out with her kids and the way he is treated while out with his kids is vastly different.

    • keelhaulrose

      It’s because the perception is that it’s always the woman’s fault.
      Her husband leaves her- she must have been nagging/controlling/whatever.
      She leaves her husband/kids- how dare a mother leave their children? That should be her number one priority!
      She didn’t have a husband in the first place- she should have left her legs closed.
      This is sadly the way society looks at things, and if you want proof, look no further than rape victims. On the rare occasions a man is raped no one says “well, if he wasn’t dressed like such a skank he wouldn’t have been raped”. The only time it’s ‘his’ fault is if it’s because he’s gay/trans/feminine, so it’s because he’s like a woman.

    • Spongeworthy

      Yea, I think you’re right unfortunately. Would I post any of these memes? No ( and for the record my sister doesn’t either. She never speaks negatively of her ex on Facebook-he is the one doing that). But it still makes me cringe a little to see people say “well you don’t see DADS posting this stuff.” Well, why would they? Whenever a single dad gripes about how hard it is being a single parent, I doubt there are many people saying that it’s his own fault he’s doing it alone and why would he have kids with a woman like that anyway? When you hear about guys who have kids with multiple women, you hear people saying “why would a woman have kids with a guy like that?” Instead of telling the guy to keep his legs closed.

    • OnionButt

      Well, I DO wonder why women willingly have children with guys who have already proven themselves to be bad fathers. But if they choose to do so they shouldn’t then bitch when the expected happens. Yes, they can be upset about the guy not being a good father but bitching about it on FB is just stupid.

      Honestly, when I hear of a guy who has a lot of kids by multiple women I do think “Dude needs to learn about condoms ASAP!” My current job involves summarizing medical records and depositions for reports for a vocational expert. One time there was a dude and he had 7 to 9 kids (can’t remember now) from a variety of women. Oh, and what really irked me was this is for workers’ compensation meaning this guy supposedly can not work and workers’ compensation isn’t paying him THAT much (if he was even getting it anymore). Yet he had MORE kids from the time of his injury until I did this report. So you already have approximately a half dozen kids and you can’t work yet you go and have MORE?!

    • Spongeworthy

      I agree about not bitching about exes or whatever on Facebook. I think that’s pretty inappropriate no matter what, but that’s me.

      I do disagree however that people can’t be upset when a partner treats them poorly. While I wouldn’t choose to have a kid with someone who I know has a track record of treating his current children poorly, I don’t think it’s right to let a man off the hook for his shitty behavior by telling a woman she should have known better. And honestly, I’ve heard that a lot. Know what I haven’t heard a lot? Someone telling a guy who is raising his child alone that he brought it on himself or he should have known better than to have a kid with a woman who would do something like that. That’s what bothers me. A single father is a victim of the woman leaving. A single mom is someone who should have known better.

      On a side note, I used to work in healthcare and we saw a good amount of work comp cases. Some of the stuff we saw was straight up ridiculous.

    • OnionButt

      Oh, I definitely agree that people can be upset about it. I think I said it in the above comment. People are ALWAYS entitled to their feelings (even when they may not be logical).

      And I don’t think it’s fair, like you said, that “she should have known better” is only applied to women. I just think one should not continuously bitch about something they went into with their eyes (fairly) open. And I would have that same feeling to any man who bitched about the baby mamma leaving him and the kid(s) when the signs were there. Again, they can be as upset and hurt and disappointed as they want – no one would fault that – but publicly bitching about it just accomplishes nothing. Maybe what gets me in those situations is that they seem to take NO personal responsibility. When people take ZERO personal responsibility in a situation they helped create – even if they are justifiably upset – irks me. Just for someone to say, “I obviously made a poor choice in the father/mother of my child, but their behavior is horrible” would go a long way.

      I also have limited patience for people who just seem to want to bitch and only bitch. Maybe they do it because they are in need of sympathy. I think people should have a window of complaint time (like after the other parent heads for the hills – they get unlimited bitching – still shouldn’t be public on Facebook) but then after a certain time, either shut up or do something about it. If you can’t do something about it – continually complaining doesn’t do any good. In fact, it makes it worse because they are staying in such a negative place.

      Granted, I know there are plenty of times when someone SEEMED great and there was no obvious signs that they’d take off for the hills the minute a kid came into play. But I think we all agree that public bitching on Facebook is just not good. It makes the bitcher look bitter and petty, the kids have public record of their absent parent’s horrible-ness – BY the other parent, and the absent parent is not going to suddenly shape up due to being dissed on Facebook.

      Sorry that got a bit off topic/on a tangent. The former friend I’ve mentioned cemented those feelings for me. For more than a YEAR whenever we talked ALL it would be about was what an awful husband and father he was while they were still married and then what a shit ex-husband and HORRIBLE father he was after their divorce. And she was RIGHT – but the CONSTANT bitching (granted as far as I know she never put it on facebook) did NOTHING. And I know from personal experience. When my dad died my now former step-monster fucked me over big time. And it took me a long time to let it go. I wouldn’t say I’m 100% over it, but I purposely worked on letting it go because it only hurt ME. Living in all that negativity about her just made that one really bad thing live on and on rather than be that one-time event.

    • Spongeworthy

      Yes, I agree that people need to take some personal responsibility, both for the situation they’re in, and also to work to make the situation better. That’s why I don’t like the public bitching on Facebook-like you said, it just keeps you in that shitty place instead of trying to get to a better one.
      I’ve also had to work really hard to let some negative shit go in regards to people who were no longer going to be a part of my life. It was hard, but like you said, once I realized it was hurting me the most, I was able to do it, and life is undoubtedly better. I think the older I get the easier it is to do. I guess it’s one of the perks of aging :)

    • brebay

      Exactly. I’ve never heard the phrase “welfare king,” It’s more “Awwwwww, he’s raising those kids ALL by HIMSELF!!!!”

    • Spongeworthy

      Yes, exactly!
      Single dad=selfless martyr
      Single mom=shoulda known better/shoulda kept your legs shut
      It should be enough to acknowledge that being a single parent is hard, no matter the parent’s genitalia.

    • Victoria

      Yes! Also, the bar for being a good dad is a lot lower, in general. In part because all of the images of bumbling dads in pop culture, we tend to think if a dad can manage a diaper change every so often, goes to a soccer game, and can take children out to the store without losing his kids, he’s great. Meanwhile, being a good mom is almost like completing the twelve labors (pun totally not intended) of Hercules. And there are no mediocre moms, if you’re not a good mom, you’re a bad mom.

    • Spongeworthy

      Yes, I think the bar for being a good dad is set very low. And I think it irritates a lot of dads as well as a lot of moms. My husband gets so irritated when people fawn all over him for doing something like take our kid to the park by himself.

    • whiteroses

      I think part of it is the stigma, and the idea that a woman is SUPPOSED to raise her kids- whereas a man can walk away. I also think that it’s evolutionary- we’re trained to respond to “good” dads, whereas a mom is completely normal. I’m not saying that this is in any way similar, but the way I’m treated when I’m out with my son and I’m not wearing a wedding ring (for whatever reason), is completely different than the way I’m treated when I am wearing one.

      I also think, though, that we as women absolutely have to get to the point where we don’t feel the need to defend our choices. If a man decides to raise his kids, it shouldn’t be any different than if a woman decides to raise hers.

    • Spongeworthy

      I think that’s a big part of it…parenting is perceived as just something women “do”, while for men it’s something they have to make an effort at because it’s not natural for them and therefore they are applauded for their “effort”.
      I hope we do get to the point where women don’t feel the need to defend their choices. I agree it shouldn’t be necessary. But I understand why women feel they need to defend being a single mom. It’s like they have to get it out there that dad is a deadbeat so that people don’t just assume they’re some stupid slut who should have known that that guy was going to leave them. Especially if they were never married to the guy.
      And yea, I’ve gotten those looks too when I’ve taken my kid out without my ring. I look young too, so that doesn’t help.

    • OnionButt

      After my parents got divorced, I chose to live with my dad. He was a FAR better parent than my mom was. So I agree, there are both shitty and great fathers and also moms can be horrible too. Motherhood does not equal good person/automatic status as a saint.

      Also the women who constantly bitch about how horrible the father(s) of their children are – um, you DID choose to have a child with him. Of course, I’m sure there are cases when the true colors of the guy didn’t appear until the kid was born. But often, these guys demonstrated a LOT of red flags – which these same women who are bitching willfully ignored. I’m thinking of a former friend of mine. She married a guy who had 2 kids from a prior marriage. He wasn’t a great dad with those kids. She had 2 kids with him and after their divorce seemed utterly shocked that he skipped out on their 2 kids.

    • whiteroses

      I think that good fathers should be celebrated, and bad ones shouldn’t be- the same way I think that good mothers should be celebrated and bad ones shouldn’t be.
      I, too am confused about the bitching. I mean, realistically- having a kid is more permanent than marriage. If you’re having kids with a man who’s already skipped out on his other kids, you really can’t be surprised if he skips out on yours.

    • OnionButt

      Agreed. To be clear as well, I think it’s fine for a woman to be upset about a man who abandons their kid(s). But it’s where and how you bitch about it, is the issue.

      I also wonder, if any of the women who bitch the most about their children’s deadbeat dads did the oops pregnancy to “trap” him. I hear about women getting pregnant on purpose without the guy’s knowledge/agreement for the only purpose of trying to cement the relationship. Yeah, it sucks that the guy ends up having nothing to do with the kid because it’s not the kid’s fault, but if a woman pulled that she sure as hell shouldn’t bitch about absentee fathering when she was that manipulative.

      I really hope the manipulative oops pregnancies are far fewer than what they seem to be.

    • brebay

      Agree, time & place. A kid with a crappy dad needs a sane, non-bitter mom all the more. This is what happy hour is for, not the interwebs!

    • Tisa Berry

      A woman I know is one of the exceptions. Her husband skipped out within a week of learning their child had autism. He’s just a sperm donor that pays child support. No birthday presents/phone calls, no Christmas presents, and he’s only exercised visitation once. To be honest, her fiancé is a MUCH better dad. She’s the only person who I am okay with complaining about her baby daddy. Other people: like my cousin complaining , just annoy me.

    • OnionButt

      Oh, yeah, there are definitely exceptions. Not to let that douche off the hook but at LEAST he does pay child support. He is doing the bare minimum, which unfortunately is more than some absentee fathers.

      What got me about my friend – she bitched about what a shit father he was to their kids when they were still married. So it should not have been shocking to find out that when he wasn’t in the same house as them that he’d be even worse. I agreed that she had every right to be upset (especially since he bailed on paying any child support) but the signs were there that he was a shit dad before she even married him.

    • 2Well

      For fathers with steady jobs, sometimes the court can arrange it so that the state takes money out of the father’s paycheck for child support. So some fathers pay child support, but not of their own volition.

    • OnionButt

      Years ago I worked as the payroll/HR person for a collection agency. I had to process when someone had wage garnishments – and some of the guys working for us would have multiple garnishments for child support. I was happy to process them because seriously, dude, help support your kids. A fucking court shouldn’t have to MAKE you. I do know there are instances were it is overkill/unfair – like maybe a guy has been named as the father when he actually isn’t. Though to be honest, I don’t know if a court could have support taken from his check if he was contesting paternity and it wasn’t proven yet. Maybe they can, but I honestly don’t know. But it being courts and such – fuck ups happen all the time, so even if it shouldn’t happen, I’m sure it has.

      In my former friend’s case, her bag of dicks ex-husband quit his job, moved in with his parents (which was not near where they lived – he was no longer within a short distance from their children), and PURPOSELY would not get a job so he wouldn’t be responsible for child support. She said she wanted him thrown in jail but knew it wouldn’t do HER (or the kids) any good. He can’t pay child support while he’s in jail.

      So I do think it’s good that those who would skip out on supporting their child(ren) have those attempts foiled.

    • 2Well

      My mom gave my father about nine years to pay willingly, which he did so sporadically, but we always got crazy excuses. It wasn’t a lot anyway, certainly less than he was spending on his three other children who lived with him and his new family. Plus, he had a responsible kind of job. His wife just hated that my mom got his one X chromosome sperm.

    • OnionButt

      ugh, any woman – especially one who has children herself – who begrudges another woman getting the deserved support from the father is just shit. I so bet had I lived with my mom and she was getting child support from my dad after they divorced, that my dad’s wife would have resented him paying child support for me.

    • Lisa Walker

      I used to work in a cheque cashing store and the amount if men who would come in to cash their cheques and brag about skipping out on their child support payments pissed me off. Finally one day this guy was going over the top about what a snag his ex was always wanting money and laughing about it and I spoke up and said ‘good for you buddy, you’re taking food out of the child’s mouth that is half your DNA. You’re pretty cool aren’t you? And by the way, why would you be bragging to a woman about it, you don’t know if I’m a single parent who had some douchebag that refused to pay child support too so why don’t you just shut your trap, take your money, and give some to your baby momma?’

      Totally got in trouble from my boss but so worth it.

    • OnionButt

      That was awesome what you told him!

      But seriously, what the hell is WRONG with people? Why do people brag about being assholes? And especially to people who are very likely NOT to be their “audience”?

      I wonder if your little chat with him inspired him to actually take your suggestion. Even if it didn’t (probably likely because he’s obviously a douchebag), I hope he at least felt like shit when he skipped out as he should feel like complete shit to willfully screw over his kid(s).

  • CMJ
    • Spongeworthy

      Joshua wins everything today.

  • AZLabRat

    I would take a vasectomy party over a gender reveal party any day of the week.

    • brebay

      just trying to picture the cake for that one…

    • Lilly
    • brebay

      Oh for the love of Christmas! I wish life was like a Mommyish board, where my every wild wish is granted! This is fantastic!

    • Elizabeth Johnson

      my&nbspbuddy’s&nbspsister&nbspΜ­­­­­­а­­­­­­K­­­­­­е­­­­­­ѕ&nbsp$­­­­­­81/hr&nbsp­ο­n&nbspthe&nbspс­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­Μ­­­­­­ρ­­­­­­ս­­­­­­τ­­­­­­е­­­­­­r.&nbspShe&nbsphas&nbspbeen&nbspwith­ο­ut&nbspW­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­r­­­­­­K&nbspf­ο­r&nbspten&nbspΜ­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­ո­­­­­­τ­­­­­­հ­­­­­­ѕ&nbspbut&nbsplast&nbspΜ­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­ո­­­­­­τ­­­­­­հ&nbspher&nbspρ­­­­­­а­­­­У&nbspcheck&nbspwas&nbsp$­­­­­­21449&nbspjust&nbspW­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­r­­­­­­King&nbsp­ο­n&nbspthe&nbspс­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­Μ­­­­­­ρ­­­­­­ս­­­­­­τ­­­­­­е­­­­­­r&nbspf­ο­r&nbspa&nbspϜ­­­­­­е­­­­­­W&nbspհ­­­­­­­ο­­­­­­­ս­­­­­­rs.&nbspl­ο­­ο­k&nbspat&nbspthis&nbspѕ­­­­­­і­­­­­­τ­­­­­­е,…&nbsphttp://Googleprojectjob&#x32&#48&#x31&#52watchH1kol7cp

      ☭☭☭ ☭�☭☭ ☭☭☭ ☭�☭☭ ☭☭☭

    • Allyson_et_al

      Ha ha ha!

    • Spongeworthy

      Quick, ask for something else!! I wanna see what happens!

    • brebay

      Nope, I wished for steak and just got spam :(

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      “Hot naked chicks don’t just fall out of the sky, do they?”

      /Jay

  • Powers

    Sorry but vasectomies fall squarely under STFU, IMO. TMI!

    • NeuroNerd

      I was thinking the same thing! If a woman posted a similar status about her tubal ligation, I doubt it would get a gold star.

    • noodlestein

      It would if she was funny about it.

    • brebay

      Yeah, it’s a double standard, but it’s a funny one, and I’m all for men taking responsibility for the birth control, so he gets one free TMI card.

    • RCIAG

      Just be thankful there isn’t a picture. A mom may have posted her leftover bits like they post placentas. I mean it’s the same thing after all right?

      Nope.

    • meteor_echo

      I’d have given her some equivalent of Reddit Gold. A huge gilded chocolate medal, mayhaps!

    • Allyson_et_al

      Absolutely! If a mom posted a similarly intimate status, it would be mocked here, not praised. I don’t want to hear about your cervix on FB, but if you’re I dude, I don’t want to hear about your balls, either.

    • LawGeekNYC

      Doesn’t that depend on the level of graphic detail?

    • Powers

      Not really.

  • OnionButt

    Is it sad that of that first image about moms doing it all – that I gave some grudging respect because everything was spelled and punctuated correctly? No stray apostrophe in mothers. Correct use of your. Usually those things are riddled with typos/misspellings/incorrect punctuation so it’s that much harder to take them seriously. But this one…despite a pain in the ass message I couldn’t dismiss it instantly due to the standard set by all the other pain in the ass messages.

  • brebay

    Corn cob dad is awesome, If more parents posted this kind of stuff, I wouldn’t have to block them from my feed…

  • brebay

    Beer can lunch. yes. Good thing this guy doesn’t work at a school or someplace this could get you canned, no one would believe his story!

    • OnionButt

      Ha! A can could get you canned. Good play on words. :-)

    • brebay

      Ha! I uh…totally meant to do that….I’m that clever…

    • OnionButt

      I wasn’t sure if it was intentional or not but either way – you said it and deserved the praise of such excellent word play skills.

    • Lilly

      I spy military camo on the arm of the guy across the table — so if this is a base there are places that this would be ok

  • Jessie

    These are all awesome… But seriously, what is up with baby fingernails? Those things are DEADLY.

  • JohnLElkins

    Sure, I could write a column about deadbeat dads and point out how many single mothers use Father’s Day as an opportunity to trash their kids’ father(s) on social media, but you know, that’s not nearly as fun as giving props to funny dads who have earned Gold Stars. http://0rz.tw/vB6uT

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    Good on you, Paul! One of my closest friends got his vasectomy done on Father’s Day. Apparently there was a months-long waiting list, and then at least one man realized the horrible irony he was about to commit, which my friend promptly and shamelessly dove into balls-deep.

    • LawGeekNYC

      Mine got his done on Valentine’s Day. Most Romantic Thing Ever.

  • AugustW

    I believe at some point, Papa Johns offered a free pizza to dudes getting vasectomies.

    • AugustW

      Yup.

  • AugustW

    Ha! Found it

  • Williwaw

    “The old snippy-snip” is funny. I wish someone had offered me a free pizza after my version of it. Oh, well, I’ll tell my husband that what’s I want after the upcoming choppy-chop. Along with the drugs.

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