Listen, everyone needs a parenting style, okay? Babies are something akin to artisinal crafting endeavors or really expensive handbags, and if you don’t subscribe very rigidly to one style or another, you might forget that and start treating them like little humans instead, which is unacceptable.
Nowadays parents go way too easy on their children, which is a mistake. This is why we need to look back in time to take our parenting cues; for instance, why don’t we hit our kids more, a la 1950s-1980s style? We all turned out okay!
But why stop there? Let’s really commit. I say let’s go back to 1843, where men were men, women were men, and everyone died of dysentery. I’m calling it Pioneer Parenting©, and trust me, you want in on this.
1.Pray that your womb is bless’d many times over. Oft times little babes will sadly perish on the trail, and thou will need extra hands to till the Western soil. If your good husband balks in his marital duties paddle him roundly.
2. When your first young babe is born, rub his body with a goodlie amount of trail soil and buffalo dung, disguising his scent from the coyotes. To test the willingness of his lungs, thou must paddle him roundly.
3. If your babe is old enough to walk, he is surely old enough to fell a sickly bison. If he fails to bring home supper, paddle him roundly to ensure he will not become spoilt and rely overmuch on his parents for food.
4. If your children should refuse to help you forde the river crossing by carrying their belongings atop their heads, it is vital that you paddle them roundly.
5. When you reach the end of your treacherous journey and lay claim to your land, gather the little babes around you and if they have not contracted dysentery, paddle them roundly. This will ensure that they will not be tempted to contract dysentery.
6. If your child has already succumbed to temptation, bleed their ill-humours with a goodlie amount of leeches. Should they balk, thou must paddle them roundly.
7. A simple piece of slate will suffice to teach your children their letters around the hearth of your sod house. If your child speaks out of turn, or misspells a word, thou should paddle them quite roundly.
8. If thou hast failed to paddle your children roundly, they may become spoilt, and ask for extravagances like sack-dolls stuffed with rags or stick-and-hoop toys. If you must give in to such requests, at least take these toys away when your babe becomes an adult, within a fortnight of their seventh birthday. Then paddle them roundly.
9. Once your boy child becomes a man, should he refuse a sizable dowry when marrying a comely, wide-hipped lass, thou must paddle him roundly.
10. If your daughter begins to beribbon her hair and wear a harlot’s rouge after her first blood, this is a surely a sign that she is The Red Whore of Babylon and you must paddle her roundly.