I’ve always been a huge defender of the *CBC Crüe. I get why people don’t wanna have babies. Hell, I don’t even wanna have babies but I should have thought about that before having that third vodka tonic and spreading my legs wide open. And as much as I appreciate NOT having kids, the fact that I do have them makes me all sorts of defensive about the fact I do have them and I find myself debating this choice on occasion, especially when one of those uppity childfree by choice people gets in my face and tells me why not having kids is the way to go. I’ve thought about this a lot recently, and I have devised my ultimate list about why us moms are way, way, way much better than you CBC peoples.
1: We have better snacks.
You don’t have or want kids? Go into your pantry. OH I FORGET CHILDFREE BY CHOICE PEOPLE DON’T HAVE PANTRIES. Burrrrrrrn. OK, go into your kitchen cupboard. What ya got? I have Goldfish crackers. And NOT in the bags, but in those giant industrial sized CARTONS. I also have fruit snacks in every shape imaginable, including rolls AND sticks. They also come in these flavors: princess, fish, video game dude, other uglier princess, bumbleberry, snoopy, sad lady from Frozen, insect, bear, froot, vitamin and Smurf dude.
I also may have cheeze. IN A CAN.
2: We are more helpful to people
I can be with one of my other MOM friends and if I have something on my face you know what she will do? She will dig into her purse past the skanky pacifiers and urine-filled diaper rolled into a ball and crumbs and will find some used Kleenex from a few months ago, take it out, spit on it and wipe something off my face with it. NO PROBLEM. When is the last time one of you childfree by choice people did something that kind for another person?
3: We have laps
You people who don’t want kids and your toned abdomens – whatever. Us moms got laps.
4: We have more toys than you
I don’t care if one of you CBC people is some collector of awesome figures or dolls or action figures or whatever, I can promise us moms have more toys than you, even if half of them are shoved in the sofa cushions or broken in a toy box or lodged up our kid’s nose.
5: We know way more about music than you
There is an unfortunate stereotype that moms aren’t with it and we have no idea what’s cool these days but one thing we do know more about that the childfree by choice is music. I challenge any one of you to a game of singing the theme to The Doc McStuffins show or Caillou and I will kick your ass.
6: We have more cake access
Listen, I know you CBC celebrate birthdays and have friends who celebrate birthdays and go to your adult restaurants and celebrate birthdays with a nice bottle of wine and things that aren’t cake like Crème brûlée and watermelon-basil sorbet but us moms got cake, usually cake with FUNFETTI frosting and Hot Wheels cars lodged into it and spittle on it from when some three-year-old blew out candles.
7: We can make the face
You don’t know how to do THE FACE unless you have kids and one of them did something very very very bad like eating the last of the ice cream and leaving one small freezer burned spoon in the carton. Or fed the dog too many marshmallows and the dog puked all over the entry way rug right before you were expecting company. Moms own THE FACE.
8: You have to spend money on things like vacations
Spending money on going to a place that isn’t your home with things like fluffy beds and adult beverages and interesting things to see and do? Us moms don’t have to spend money on that. Us moms KNOW that going on vacation with kids is just cleaning up after people in a different city.
9: We don’t freak old people out
According to all the old people everywhere always, us moms are doing what we should be doing, by settling down and birthing them babies. You childfree by choice freak them out and make them ask things like when are you going to have a babbbbbbbby and why don’t you want babbbbbbys and your life would only be complete if you had a babbbbbby where is your babbbbbbby? No one gives a shit what us moms do because we are all ready doing it so we don’t scare old people, they just ask us to bring them more decaffeinated coffee and hold our babbys for two seconds and then hand them back to us after asking if it is a boy or a girl.
10: We get to talk more
Us moms get to talk a LOT. We get to talk to kids, talk to their teachers, talk to their doctors, talk to other moms about everything they are doing wrong. You childfree by choice and your quiet, lazy afternoons spent enjoying an amazing book without being interrupted by a four-year-old asking you WHY a gazillion times don’t get how awesome it is to talk. Constantly. Us moms get to talk when we are trying to sleep, trying to finish a meal, and trying to pee and we get to talk through a door when our kids are pounding on it because we walked out of the room for two seconds. We get to talk talk talk talk talk. You CBCs don’t know how much FUN it is to patiently explain to a five-year-old why we don’t hit the lamp after going through a raging bout of stomach flu.
*It should (always, forever) be noted that CBC is childfree by choice. Not people struggling with infertility or those unable to have children. Childfree by choice means a decision NOT to have children.