Are You There, Moms? Itâ€™s Me, IdiotÂ is an ongoing series dedicated to helping one very well-intentioned and dumb future-parent learn about the world of childrearing.Â Click hereÂ to see past columns.
Last week, we talked about who was with you in the delivery room when you had your babies (or what the plan is for the future). Well, after weeks of learning from you wonderful people, I’m ready to get dirty. I’m really ready this time. Let’s get disgusting. I want to talk about birth.
Ever since I joined up with this band of awesome Moms, my colleagues have delighted in teaching me about the less talked about over dinner elements of birth, babies, and parenting. These Skype conversations are normal:
Valerie: hey julia, google 4th degree tear
Julia: oh no
Julia: oh god
Julia: i am so scared
Valerie:Â the front hole and the back hole should never become one hole
Do you see how they treat me? Also, this week I was really gratified to learn about baby erections. Who knew!
As you know, I’m trying to get a handle on the ins and outs of this whole parenting thing, and I think it’s high time I got a fuller picture of the birth experience. While I have no idea if I’ll ever actually give birth (thanks, bum ovaryâ€“that’s a story for another time), I think it’s time to hear about the nitty gritty. Spare nothing. Eve told me about the term “prolapsed,” so I think I’m ready for anything. I can take it.
Tell me your grossest birth storiesâ€“maybe you pooped everywhere, maybe someone you know pooped everywhere, or maybe it was even worse than anything poop related. My eyes are open and I know about the world we live inâ€“there are far worse things than birth-related feces. I want to hear about all of it. Happy Friday!