10 Of The Worst Things People Say When You’re Expecting Again

Finding out we were pregnant again was quite a shock for us. The idea that another baby was coming along took some getting used to. By the time I shared my news, I was comfortable with the situation and pretty relaxed about the whole thing. Until people started commenting on it. People say some of the strangest things to you when you are expecting again. They can really unintentionally freak you out.

1. Great! Now maybe you’ll get a girl!

This is the weirdest thing to say to someone.

2. Great! Now maybe you’ll get a boy!

Again, implying kids are better in “sets” is strange.

3. Good luck! It’s so much harder.

Thanks for the pep talk.

4. How are you going to afford that?

I’m always amazed at how nosy people can be.

5. Oh my god! You just lost the weight from the first baby.

Probably only your mother will say this.

6. Was this planned?

How is that any of your business?

7. My friend’s son hated his baby sister.

Thanks for bringing that up – I’m not having enough anxiety about it on my own.

8. Now you’re really not going to have any time to yourself.

Ha! I already have none – so, in your face!

9. Wow. Two full college tuitions. That’s intense.

Thanks for reminding me how screwed I am.

10. You thought being pregnant was hard the first time? Wait until you are nine months pregnant with a toddler!

I’m going to go cry now.

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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    • Andrea

      The worst part is that most of these are true. Of course they shouldn’t be telling you, but you know…

    • Kendra

      I think the worst one I have ever heard (not to me personally since I’m not pregnant with #2 yet), was “don’t you know how these things happen?”

      • SunnyD847

        Ha, we actually said something like this to one of the teen moms in our program when she got pregnant a few months after coming back after her first baby. We had talked to her about birth control when she came back and she promised to use protection. So, we sat her down again and asked her about the BC, and she looked at us wide-eyed and said “you mean you have to use EVERY time?” Wow.

      • AP

        A friend of mine’s mother worked at a Planned Parenthood in a part of the country where Planned Parenthood = Satan.

        Apparently they routinely got young pregnant teens turning up who did not realize they had had sex, because they did not know what sex was.

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        That is depressing on so many levels that if I were to get through all of them, I’d have my initials permanently inscribed in some kind of Greatest Arcade High Scores of All Time.

      • SunnyD847

        Even more depressing. Elementary age girl in special ed. The teacher suspects she’s pregnant and sends her to the nurse. Girl doesn’t know what sex is. When it’s described to her she says “that’s what I do with my dad.” Turned out he was not her biological father, but still sick as fuck. Oh, and when CPS told the mom the girl could not return home if he was living there, she chose him.

      • Surly Canuck

        That poor girl. The world is a really sick place.

      • gothicgaelicgirl

        O my god…

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        You know what, I’m just going to write the rest of today off so I can go binge-drink…that is HORRIBLE, and the caps don’t even begin to emphasize just how horrific it is.

      • SunnyD847

        That was my first year of teaching. It was pretty devastating. If it helps, she was super excited when they explained to her that she was having a baby. She was a very sweet girl.

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        I don’t know…given her age and her status, it seems pretty unlikely to me that she was truly able to process what it would mean to have a baby. The whole story breaks my heart and actually reminds me why I left teaching after only a year–I taught remedial English at a community college, and the first round of essays we assigned, personal narratives, elicited too many stories about exes who sexually abused my students’ children, and I always felt my GI tract run rings around itself when I had to assign these heartrending accounts grades that were less-than-perfect because the grammar and sentence structure were way less-than-perfect. I felt so useless, especially knowing from my department’s statistics that while these students would come in with the best intentions of getting their lives together and moving forward, something would come up or they’d find it “too hard” and I’d have to fail them because they wouldn’t turn in any of the subsequent work.

        And on that note, the Happy Hour down the street calls. :(

      • Harriet Meadow

        That’s what happened to my brother-in-law and his now-wife. Uber-religious, super-sheltering families didn’t explain the birds and the bees to them, and they got pregnant without realizing what they were doing. Of course, they just had number 5, so I don’t think they can use that excuse any more lol…

      • Surly Canuck

        Someone I know is pregnant with #5 and she was having a facebook discussion about how this happened while she was on BC. Apparently someone else chimed in that IUDs don’t work for shit, she had hers removed and 3 months later she was pregnant. What?

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        But…but…It worked when it was in, right? Of course it would cease to work once it’s out, after a little time (some people take more time, others less time). I’m so confused!

        IUDs can fail, though it’s very rare. My friend’s younger sister is a result of a failed IUD.

      • Surly Canuck

        Yeah, my thoughts exactly. =) I’m pretty sure doctors explain that when they take it out.

        The conversation started because baby #5 was an IUD failure. She said she could feel it, but it was still inside so she thought everything was okay. The question that sprung to mind was “How do you have sex if you can feel your IUD?” I didn’t ask; I don’t think I really want to know.

      • SunnyD847

        Ha!

      • Lorraine

        I have decided that if I ever get asked that again I am going to go into graphic detail about how I love fucking my husband.

    • SunnyD847

      People are the worst.

      • Stifler Plays Tennis

        Not me. I’m incredulously awesome!

    • Kelly

      People are such assholes. They give you shit for having a second kid but if you tell them you’re never having a second kid you get the “OMG, your kid is going to be a spoiled rotten brat and if he dies you won’t have a backup!”

      Such assholes.

      • http://batman-news.com Bunny Lou

        …. You won’t have a back-up?

        I can’t stand how people talk like that. We are talking about a child, a human being, not a cell-phone. You can’t just replace human beings.

      • Kelly

        I know. I hate it too. I wanted to punch my aunt in the face when she said that to me. Even if we did have a second child, he or she would not be an understudy to our first. It’s a horrible way to think of your children.

      • Liz

        To be fair, having an heir and a spare was a very important thing back in the day. But let’s be honest guys… Not a single person alive is old enough for that to be a legitimate reason to spew such douchefuckery. Basically, what I am trying to say is that whenever anyone says this kind of shit… I will bite my thumb at them; which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        I get all hot and bothered when people get all Shakespearean in their insults.

      • MerlePerle

        My SIL told my husband not to get a vasectomy in case one of the kids dies…

      • Guest

        Whaaaaaaa?

      • AlbinoWino

        After my brother died someone actually did tell me that was the reason they had three kids…so one kid wouldn’t be left behind alone since there were only two of us. Gee…..thanks.

      • practicallyperfectineveryway

        As if the death of your kid isn’t sad when you have other kids?? Terrible.

    • Momma425

      Ha, my mom made a similar, un-pregnancy weight loss comment. I mentioned that my husband and I were thinking about trying and she said, “But you’re in the middle of a diet.” Um…okay…

      • JJ

        Apparently your diet trumps the ability to try to create new life and be pregnant for nine months. Because you know its not like people can’t go on diets or new exercise programs after pregnancy is over. Peak fertility time is limited as women age sadly (I say this is as someone who is 28 and knows if I want kids I should aim for my early to mid 30′s in the next few years). I would tell my own mom, “would you rather me try to give you grand kid’s now when the odds are better in my favour or wait quite a while till this diet is completed according to your definition of health and attractiveness?”.

    • Lee

      Someone said to me last week, “Well, what are you going to do?”.

      • Kay_Sue

        “I dunno. Do you want it?” I’m feeling snarky…

      • Stifler Plays Tennis

        New Pic!

      • Kay_Sue

        I changed it to match my Google+, as I am in the process of relaunching my blog and added Disqus to it just now. #FeelingAccomplished

      • Stifler Plays Tennis

        YAY! A new place to troll!

      • Kay_Sue

        It ain’t nothin’ yet. But I enjoy writing, so it’s a place to do that.

      • Stifler Plays Tennis

        Link!

      • Kay_Sue

        All in good time. Patience is a virtue!

      • Stifler Plays Tennis

        :(

        I’ll behave, I sware!

      • Kay_Sue

        I think I am my only reader currently. I’ll be more open with it after I get the kinks worked out, I promise.

      • itpainsme2say

        Awe I’m gonna miss purple hair sue

      • Kay_Sue

        Me too. That’s my fave pic. But I’m trying to present a cohesive look between all of my social media accounts. Blah.

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        “Sell the first one. This one’s newer, which means it’s better, right?”

      • Kay_Sue

        “This is the upgrade.”

    • VĂ©ronique Houde

      The worst came from my mom a few weeks back. Number two wasn’t planned, and at this point I’m in my third trimester, high risk birth complications, just finished renovating a condo, planning a move, currently executing a move, on top of trying to keep up with my 18 month old…

      I was talking to my mom about how I was looking forward to getting my own body back with a balanced endocrine system and no pain, and she blurts out “well i hope for christ’s sake that you’ll keep your legs closed for a while now”. AAAAAARGH. Thank god i had the presence of mind to put her in her place. She at least apologized and forgot the context in which i got pregnant.

    • Dixie

      Someone told my Mom,”Well now that she’s here I guess all you have to worry about is SIDS.”

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        Holy hell! Did your mother tell that person to drink a nice, tall glass of STFU?

    • Ann

      I when I got pregnant with my second I didn’t tell my parents until I was 4 months pregnant because I knew they would be terrible about it. I was 19, married, living on our own but I know my parents. Surprisingly enough my mother wasn’t too bad but my father said “Oh great you need this like another hole in your head” Jeeze thanks dad

    • Stifler Plays Tennis

      Beth, I would LOVE to say #1 to you!

      • Bethany Ramos

        Hahahaha

    • Elissa

      More proof that I hate people and pretty much every inane thing that they say.

    • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

      “How can you afford this?” Are you kidding? I’m a 99%er. I couldn’t afford the first one and he’s still alive so we just said, what the hell, let’s have another. Maybe we’ll get a girl this time.

    • JJ

      I don’t even have kids yet but I have been around enough pregnant friends, family members and co-workers to know that people seem to think two kids now a days is the equivalent of being the Duggar’s sometimes. I have seen people announce second or third pregnancies and people’s response isn’t a nice congratulations but “really again? You really like kids huh is this going to be the last one right (insert annoying laugh)?”. It’s like two or three kids assholes not an entire soccer team of kids that is not that many kids. For generations people used to have upwards of 10 kids or more. Hell sometimes closer 16 kids! Who cares as long as the parents love their kids and raise them to be decent people does it matter if they have more then one kid.

      Plus like someone said above if you dare have only one kid then you get the lines about, “well won’t they be lonely/bored or need a sibling?” or “but what if something happens to the one”. You can’t replace a living human being with another human being. You could have 8 million children and the loss of a child, if heaven forbid it happened, will always be heartbreaking and you can never take the place of that child with another. You can focus your attention on the other child because you still have to be a parent sure but nothing will take away the loss of that individual, one of a kind child you loved while they were here. Ugh I hate that excuse for why a kid needs more siblings so much. It’s a child not a goldfish from the pet store.

      • Sarah

        Yeah, it really is baffling. Strangely, almost everyone I know (aside from my family) is pro-choice but they all take no issue with talking about how many children a woman “should” be able to have. IMO, pro-choice doesn’t just apply to abortion– it means that you believe a woman can choose to have as many or as few children as she wants. Why anyone thinks their personal opinion should have relevance in how many children someone decides to have is kinda mind blowing.

      • JJ

        I agree I am pro choice to and I find it interesting how people are like women have a right to choose but whats that? They want to have 6 kids why? The world is so over populated/it’s a vagina not a clown car/whats the point of that many kids/Are they the Duggar’s etc.. I have no say or judgement on how many kids a person has as long as they love their kids and take care of them that is all that matters. Want to have 2 kids, 1 kid, no kids at all or 10 go nuts its not my choice I am not raising them and its not my body.

      • Natasha B

        People completely lose their minds when they find out you’re pregnant with a fourth. I mean, apply a filter people. Yes. We understand birth control. Yes, this was a choice. Yes, we can afford it. Now STFU.

    • Frannie

      If you think having two kids is fodder for this crap, try announcing you’re having a third.

      • http://www.thislemonyogurt.com/ Amanda

        Or a fourth.

      • Frannie

        Oh man, I can’t even imagine. If I ever get pregnant again I’m just not telling anyone.

      • JJ

        A funny comedian I was watching once said something along the lines of “Once you have a fourth kid or more people stop congratulating you and start acting like your Amish. They don’t say “congratulation” they just stare at you and ask things “do you guys also make your own clothes to?”. The same comedian went on to have two more children I believe so he has 6 kids now I am pretty sure and I imagine he has heard it all.

      • http://www.thislemonyogurt.com/ Amanda

        Jim Gaffigan. His stuff about kids is amazing.

      • Sarah

        lol YES, god I love him. I saw him last year, his skit about home birth is also hilarious.

      • Natasha B

        Yeah. 37 weeks with #4. You should see the looks I get in target, when people count heads and eye my belly. Or when we *gasp* dare to take them all out in public! out to dinner or something. We’ve even had a few of the ‘wow can you afford that’ yes we f-ing can thank you very much. And the ‘was IT planned’. Good god. Keep your mouths shut.

      • http://www.thislemonyogurt.com/ Amanda

        Yup. I really want I believe I’m imagining the disparaging looks I get at the playground when I can’t simultaneously push the 1-yr-old on the toddler swing, help the 3-yr-old climb to the high slide, assist the 5-yr-old on the monkey bars, and sit my 32-weeks-pregnant ass on a bench.

        For the record: I like to sit at the playground. And I like to intentionally foster a sense of independence. So thanks, but stop helping my kids!

    • Kay_Sue

      My favorite was: Haven’t you figured out what causes that yet?

      Yep. It’s just too bad we are both so damned good at it, isn’t it?

    • Sarah

      I had a miscarriage a few months before getting pregnant with our second (third?) child and my whole family was just one giant steaming pile of shit about it (telling me things like “when God closes one door”, “it just wasn’t mean to be”, “you’ve already got your hands full anyway” or just outright blowing it off like I just got my period instead of losing my baby), BUT THEN when I became pregnant again, it was even worse. “Are you sure that’s wise?” “Are you worried about losing this one?” “Did your doctor give you the OK?” “Can your body handle this right now?” “I thought you’d be done after Your Incident”

      Ummm what in the actual fuck are these questions? After finding out it was another boy, I got even more shit, but I still can’t get over these initial responses. I will never understand people.

      • Kay_Sue

        People are complete and total assholes. #Truth

      • Frannie

        I’m so sorry. People are effing stupid. I don’t get why people are so against other people having more kids. As RuPaul likes to say “Unless they’re paying your rent, pay them no mind.”

      • JJ

        I hate that “it wasn’t meant to be” or “it was fate” line soooo much. I’m sorry you had to go through that and that people gave you crap with your third pregnancy. Please people of the world do anyone who has ever been in sad, tragic situation and say this one thing only, “I’m sorry that happened is there anything I can help you with or if you need to talk I am here”. Thats it! No one wants to hear about God’s plan or how a person dying in a car accident was fate or how a terrible miscarriage was meant to be. My own sister has had 2 ectopic pregnancies and probably won’t be able to have kids biologically. And I seriously want to smack people who say well it wasn’t meant to be for her then. Her body not letting her have kids was just a message from somewhere else. F you rude people. Just say “I’m so sorry for your loss” and move on.

      • Sarah

        SERIOUSLY, how difficult is this? I understand that women who haven’t experienced miscarriage can’t possibly understand the emotional and physical pain of having one, but how difficult is it to muster up a “sorry for your loss” instead of being a complete asshole and doing your best to belittle a couple’s profound loss? It is so fucking bizarre to me the way people are just hellbent on trying to make light of something as earth-shattering as losing your child in pregnancy.

      • Ashie

        All these things happened to me too when I had my miscarriages. People are insanely rude!! My own sister was pregnant at the same time and was like “oh well being pregnant sucks anyway!” So so so rude and insensitive!

      • Sarah

        Horrible :( I’m so sorry

      • http://batman-news.com Bunny Lou

        Holy shit, how could ANYONE say that?

      • Allyson_et_al

        Wow. How did you not smack her?

      • Ashie

        I was very tempted to!! She has had 4 kids, and I have had 2 kids, and 2 miscarriages. One day she says “wow i’ve been pregnant more than you” so I replied “no you haven’t, we have had the same amount of pregnancies” Then she replies with “well you know what I mean, those ones didn’t last all the way so they don’t really count.” Needless to say I don’t have much to do with her anymore, wish I was making this stuff up!

      • Romylove

        For all the ladies who’ve suffered a loss, I don’t know if this will help or hurt, but Lily Allen wrote “Holding Onto Nothing” to one/both of her daughters, and she references the loss of her son when she was 6 months along in 2010.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkvsC8ruhPY

        I originally thought that “Take My Place” was about a particularly bad fight with her husband, but I’ve come to believe that it’s about receiving the news about the loss of her son.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmaVav-hkKs

      • Allyson_et_al

        I’ve never had this experience, but when friends of mine have, it has never occurred to me to say anything but, “I’m so sorry. Do you need anything?” Wtf is wrong with these people?

      • Fondue

        My favorite from the stupid comment gallery was, “Well, you can always try again.” Yes, because that will totally make us forget the one we just lost! *insert world-class eyeroll here*

      • Sarah

        Ugh yes, I definitely had a few friends say “At least you’re young and healthy!!!!”

        ………………………….ok………

      • Rachel Sea

        They might as well just say, “Obviously God hates you” or “you must be terrible person not to deserve to have your babies.”

        It is why I only tell people on the internet that I can’t get pregnant. If anyone ever said that shit to my face, I’m afraid I would punch them, and go to jail.

      • Surly Canuck

        It seriously feels like that’s what they’re saying. When we had our loss and then trouble getting pregnant again, I read a lot of “Maybe you’re not meant to be a mother” comments.

        It took everything I had not to say “So apparently God looks down at the world sees a pedophile and thinks, ‘Dude you ought to be a dad!’ then looks at me and thinks ‘Yeesh lady, I don’t think so.” I mean there are some pretty terrible people who can conceive. If your God is putting children in bad places to create teachable moments, you can keep him.

      • Guest

        Response: “Maybe you’re not meant to live” then lunge at them!

    • ALE515

      You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’m pregnant with my first and am perfectly fine with the idea of one and done. People act as if I told them I support Hitler. They all freak out on me, and even demand that I have a kid when this one is still a baby. I don’t understand why people care what others, especially strangers do!

      • itpainsme2say

        If you ever see any of them with a turkey baester RUN

      • Kendra

        That’s so true. I swear I was only two weeks out of the hospital before people starting asking “so, when are going to have another one?”

      • Surly Canuck

        I was three months pregnant with my first and people were already asking me what my plans for #2 were. Can I get through this one first, please?

    • jane

      Literally the only appropriate thing to say is “congratulations!” Is that so fucking hard?

    • Alikay

      Ugh! People are the worst. When I was pregnant with my 6th, people would stop me in the grocery store and say things like, “please tell me you’re not going to have anymore!”

    • tk88

      I think sometimes people say the gender thing because lots of people do outwardly say they would like a male and female child together. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that unless they directly imply it would be awful to have 2 boys or 2 girls

      • CMP414

        We found out last month that our second is another girl. My husband’s grandma totally said it’s not good to have two girls and better to have one of each. Shittiest reaction ever.

      • MomofTwo

        LOL! My mom was talking to a woman she had just met and mentioned that she (my mother) had 2 girls. The woman’s response? “I’m so sorry.” My mom looked at her square in the face and said, “I’m not” and promptly ended the conversation. What a whacko.

      • Sarah

        JEEZ why couldn’t you just get it right?!

      • CMP414

        I know right!

    • lulu

      What about the ever-classic “Already?”

    • MomofTwo

      I was asked by not one but SEVERAL co-workers ask the “Was it planned?” question. WHHHATTTT? Who the heck asks that question and whose business is it anyway? All but one of the people who said it were just dopey busybodies who always have something to say. One of them did kind of shock me because a) he was my boss at the time and b) I thought he knew better than that… My stock response was “Well, it’s God’s plan” with kind of a half creepy smile – that shut people up and QUICK! LOL!

      The irony of the situation was none of my co-workers had any idea how incredibly “planned” this pregnancy was! It was a frozen embryo transfer in 2011 from embryos frozen in 2008. I had to start preparations (hormone shots, etc) about three months before the transfer and I had to time it so that everything was done and I was pregnant before the end of the calendar year before my insurance changed and my fertility treatment benefits along with it…

      I swear, pregnancy brings out the stupid in people Don’t even get me started on how many women told me their miscarriage stories when I told them I was pregnant… Not exactly what a pregnant lady (who had a really, really tough time getting pregnant) wants to hear!

      • Sarah

        “Were you trying?” is so infuriating, like idk how someone could be so obtuse to think it’s appropriate to bring up a) someone’s sex life and b) someone’s possible fertility issues.

      • Jessifer

        I was also shocked when someone asked me if my pregnancy was planned. I had no idea people asked these type of profoundly personal questions to those they barely knew. It’s information that I may choose to share with my family or close friends of mine, but certainly not acquaintances!

      • http://ichasekids.com/ Litterboxjen

        This! My mom said it’s a common question, but maybe she grew up in a crazy time? My husband’s aunt asked me if our first was planned, and I just asked her if it mattered (we had been together several years, owned a house, were married…).

        My MIL has asked if two of my three pregnancies were vacation babies (she couldn’t ask that about this one — we haven’t travelled anywhere recently. HAH!)

        For what it’s worth, I’ve told plenty of people about my miscarriage, but not to someone who’s currently pregnant. That’s just fucked up. What I will do is if I end up talking about aspects of my daughter’s birth, I just point out that everyone’s pregnancy/labour/delivery is completely different, and just because XYZ happened to me doesn’t mean shit.

    • wispy

      This reminds me of after I had my second daughter and someone said “Do you wish you’d had a boy so you could be done??” UMMM…… o.0??

    • Gangle

      I am only expecting my first, but sooooo many people have said the ‘good luck! It is going to be so much harder/ you will never sleep again/ you have no idea what you are in for’ line, and usually with a smug look on their faces. Gee, thanks. I went through 5 years of trying and infertility treatments to fall pregnant, and while I am positive that I am underestimating how challenging motherhood will be (like every other pregnant lady), you can’t scare me with your threats!

    • Ursi

      We have one in our family who’s expecting a third child while the first two are under 4 who is hearing a lot of this nonsense. People are so terribly concerned about what has nothing to do with them. What was funny was that she had the full support of one of the men in our family until he opened his mouth as to his reasoning. I’ll paraphrase, “Well, women her age, they can’t help it, when they get to be a certain age they have to hurry up and have all the babies they want before they’re too old. Women just can’t help it.”

      So you’re pretty much screwed because everyone is an idiot, is what I took away from that.

    • Melissa

      There is some truth to #10, even though it never needs to be said out loud by strangers, or even well-meaning friends and family. I am 9 mo. pregnant and have a 20 month-old, and I’m pretty sure right now I cry and throw more tantrums than she does. Every single other thing on that list has been said to me throughout this pregnancy. A sarcastic “thanks for that!” is the best response my slow, pregnant brain has been able to muster so far.

    • Harriet Meadow

      I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty fucking scared about #10.

    • Guest

      I could totally see getting reactions for several kids (or several kids really close together). I know I’ve had the response to some people like “holy shit they got pregnant fast again!” but I keep my effin mouth shut. Then I remember how my husband is one of 4 so his mom must have dealt with this and my brother came right after me so my mom may have got some of it too.
      Luckily on my mom’s side they have a wide range of families. One has six, two have 3 (one the last was an oops immediately after the 2nd, the other an oops 12 years after the second), and the other just had 3 (or apparently had a girl, a mistake of a another girl, then their boy).

    • aCongaLine

      all these and then some. ugh.

    • simoneutecht

      My sister who I’m not close with at all had the nerve to say to me, “Didn’t you learn the first time?” I just hung up on her.

      • NotTakenNotAvailable

        I can see why you’re not close with her at all.

    • SA

      I did #6 once to a friend and have always felt bad about it. To be fair I had just gone through a miscarriage and probably wasn’t told about her very untimely pregnancy in the best way possible. The second the words were out I regretted it.

      Best things to say are “Congrats” and “I’m here for you if you need anything”. Covers all bases.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      This article reminds me of that Albert Einstein quote, “Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” Now bear in mind that if you’re childfree and stupid enough to announce that, you’ll get a whole ‘nother set of flak entirely, so basically, you just can’t win.