• Fri, May 9 - 1:00 pm ET

20 Things You Will Frantically Google After You Have A Baby

Google is incredible, isn’t it? Everything you ever need to know is at your fingertips. There’s no guarantee that it’s right – but at least you can try to find an answer to any question, any time. I used to love Google. Then I became a mother.

After you have kids, Google becomes the enemy. There is too much information – and most of it will make you freak the hell out. If you’ve just had a baby and find yourself Googling every decision you make, don’t worry – you’re not alone. According to Google (ha!), new parents use Google twice as much as everyone else.  Google is your friend – until that inevitable night comes that your new baby has a totally normal fever and Google convinces you to spend the night in the emergency room. Did I just type that?

Here are some things you may frantically find yourself Googling in the months after you have a child…

1. How can I make sure my baby’s breathing while he sleeps?

2. Is it safe to leave my baby alone for a few minutes while I shower?

3. Approximately how long can I leave an infant alone without checking on him?

4. Are pacifiers safe?

5. Is organic formula better?

6. How often do babies need baths?

7. How do I stop people from putting their hands in my baby’s mouth?

8. How do I say “no” to someone who wants to hold my baby?

9. Is it safe to watch back to back episodes of American Horror Story with an infant in the room?

10. Is it normal for baby to cry constantly?

11. What color is baby poop supposed to be?

12. How many times a day do you need to change an infant’s diaper?

13. Will we scar our child forever if we have sex in the same room as the crib?

14. What is “bottle rot?”

15.  How many times a day does an infant eat?

16. How can you tell if an infant is sleeping enough?

17. My infant fell off the couch, how can I tell if he’s okay?

18. How long can you safely let a baby cry?

19. How long do fevers last?

20. Is it normal to momentarily hate my husband after I give birth?

Remember – Google is a fickle friend. He will turn on you. Don’t lean on him too much.

(photo: maxriesgo/ Shutterstock)

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  • Valerie

    Sooo many nights spent poring over the Google image search results of: breastfed baby poop, what normal baby poop looks like and stretchy baby poop.

    Don’t ask.

    • Megan Zander

      You can’t toss out a phrase like “stretchy baby poop” and then expect people to not ask questions.

    • Kendra

      REAL TALK.

    • Valerie

      Sigh. I just didn’t want to barf anyone out around the lunch hour.

      Ben had a nasty dairy allergy. Before we figured that out, there was soooooo much stretchy, mucousy, FUCKING STINKY poop going on. I felt like his insides were rotting.

    • Megan Zander

      I would have been at the ER everytime he pooped.

    • Valerie

      Yeah, eventually, stringy blood started showing up too and off to the pediatric gastro specialist we went! Giving up dairy and soy on my part did the trick but it was flipping terrifying until that point. Coupled with his slow weight gain, I was convinced there was something horribly wrong but it turns out, he’s just a teeny guy. He will be 5 next month, eats everything in sight, and is still only 40 inches and 38 pounds. He takes after me with the petiteness.

    • Kendra

      I am eating lunch right now. And yet I am not grossed out by this. This is how I know I’m an official mom.

    • Valerie

      #momlife

    • Rowan

      Sense of disgusting goes out of the window when you’re a mum. Also dignity.

    • Kendra

      I searched “Green baby poop” “yellow baby poop” “baby poop seeds?” and then followed up with “fore milk/hind milk balance” & “frothy baby poop”

    • Valerie

      Baby poop seeds FTW!

    • SA

      Yes, I think I definitely googled frothy baby poop!

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      The poop seeds freaked me out too! Baby poop on the whole kind of freaks me out, and even more so now that we’re tentatively starting them on solids and all the poopventures that entails. Eurgh.

    • Valerie

      Take it from me and write down what they eat each day. On blueberry day, you will be glad you did this. Trust.

    • Megan Zander

      I would add also avacado day, or as it is now called in my house, AvacadNO.

    • Valerie

      And watermelon. You will become convinced that their intestines and veins are disintegrating and coming out their poop hole.

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      OH JESUS. The little banana threads were already bad enough. My kids can live on just milk till they’re old enough to be potty trained, right?

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      I just bought avocados for baby food purposes. WELP.

      Pee ess, did anyone else in this conversation have a baby start spitting up more after they started solids? It’s freaking me out (although maybe they’re just spitting up about the same amount and it’s just freaky sweet-potato orange instead of white now) and even though they’re not projectiling, they do throw up later after they eat, like once they wake up from their next nap even??

    • Valerie

      Yeah. The texture wigs them out- both of mine did it. :-)

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      OH THANK YOU. They looooove eating and don’t seem distressed (and Bunny is pretty good at it, although Bug ends up wearing as much as he eats) so it’s good to know that I’m not actually murdering them with mashed bananas. I actually have to stop them after a teaspoon or two because they would probably eat a gallon if I let them – they can eat as much as they want once I can be reasonably sure I won’t be cleaning it all off the carpet and couch.

    • Valerie

      Yeah, I really wouldn’t worry. :-)

    • Megan Zander

      Yes 100% I freaked and was worried that they were allergic or something! but they’re not. My hubs teaches anatomy and he said it’s just that the solids take longer to digest so they are in the tummy longer to be come up and they are still getting the muscles and acid pumps needed to break stuff down, so spit up anytime is ok.

    • Obladi Oblada

      An allergy would show up fairly quickly. My son is an allergy kid (like his mother). The first time I fed him carrots, his diaper turned orange within a few minutes and he screamed bloody murder. Then came the hives…good times, good times.

    • Kendra

      OMG. SO MUCH YES. Blueberries. I had a friend warn me about them, thank GOD.

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      Hahahaha oh wow SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO

    • Valerie

      Just remember: if the poop is black, they are probably not leaking occult blood and dying. Its the motherfucking blueberries.

    • Rachel Sea

      Also beet day.

    • SA

      “Should an infant poop out a terd?”

    • Valerie

      Hahahahahaha. Yes, we had so much liquid poo. Never a solid turd for probably 8 months.
      #gross

  • Kendra

    Yep. Poop. Googled so much baby poop.

  • Megan Zander

    I never got google approval to watch my shows with the boys nearby. My husband doesn’t even know that they spent the first 4 months on this earth listening to Gossip Girl.

    • Valerie

      OMG, mine watched so much Law and Order: SVU, CSI: Miami and Criminal Minds.
      I feel like I could be considered an honorary detective due to my TV tastes.

    • Megan Zander

      All skills we will need for the CreepyMomVan brigade.

    • Valerie

      Oh yes. I am ready and very glad my skillz can be utilized. I spent many a late night nursing and questioning all of my life choices up until that point wondering where I went wrong that I was not a member of the Behavioral Analysis Unit.
      #badchoices

    • Megan Zander

      I loved those shows until I did a stint in the States Attorneys office, then I would get home from work to watch, and it felt like I was still at work. Made me sad bc I loves NCIS and have no idea what happened.

    • Valerie

      Where are you on Skype??? I’m lonely and resorting to actually doing work on a Friday!
      #HDY

    • Megan Zander

      Um, where are YOU on skype? I’ve been composing poems about my loneliness since you aren’t on.

    • Valerie

      OMG, I think we broke Skype. It says you are on and I can see you but you don’t seem to be seeing what I type! :-(

    • Megan Zander

      It’s says you are offline. I think Socks hacked is. You may need to take one for the team and come to terms with him so we can get back on.

    • Valerie

      He’s so crafty and tech-y! #HDH (How dare he)

    • Kendra

      Yep. I think I should have a badge by now.

    • SA

      Dexter and Sons of Anarchy…she was born right before those seasons started. And I wonder why she bites and hits.

    • Megan Zander

      Haha we snuck some dexter too. Unless I catch them with the plastic wrap I think it’s ok.

    • SA

      Kid is 1.5 now and we so have to watch it…very behind on GOT ’cause she just CAN’T see that one, but we did have a convo last night about how catching up on Nurse Jackie in front of her couldn’t be that bad. I just can’t decide. :/ This child won’t go to sleep until after I do, I swear she does it on purpose.

    • Megan Zander

      We were like this on American horror story. Seemed the the second they we turned it on they would wake up crying and want to snuggle. But just like you, mine are about a year and a half and I feel they are just too aware to have it on. I think nurse Jackie would be ok if she wasn’t totally focused on it maybe ?

    • Jennifer Freeman

      I watched the last 4 seasons of Dexter on maternity leave. Thank God for Netflix.

    • capoupascap

      B horror movies. So many. Of course now he’s obsessed with all things scary and spooky. Whatever, I just hope he remembers to thank me for inappropriately exposing him to all that when he’s the next Tobe Hooper.

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      I had to stop watching TV at all while feeding the kids because my daughter is now more interested in watching Rent or Justice League or C-SPAN or whatever I put on than she is in actually eating. Like, “Mom, can you get this boob out of my face, I’m trying to watch Rachel Maddow here.”

  • SA

    Seriously googled “How to tell if my baby hates me?”. Postpartum hormones and an iPad…bad combo!

    • Valerie

      “My baby just gave me side-eye….should I be concerned?”

    • Megan Zander

      Did you get any results?

    • SA

      Yes! HA. It made me feel better that other people were posting these questions on different parenting boards out there and it seemed to be a normal but unwarranted feeling. But it didn’t keep me from googling it several times over the course of a few months! :)

    • Kay_Sue

      I did the same thing for the elder. The younger had no such luck. By that time, I couldn’t have given two shits less whether he liked me so long as he was clean, warm and fed…

    • http://www.confesster.com Confesster

      :))

  • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

    I can contribute:
    -What’s the difference between spit-up and vomit?
    -How much spit-up is normal?

    -Baby goopy eye
    -Can babies get sinus infections?

    And of course the classic,
    -Why does my baby have a boner?

    • Valerie

      Baby boners. I worried a lot about those. Like, is my baby attracted to me? Should I tone down the cleave? Or just call him Oedipus?

      And baby goopy eye- holy shit, clogged tear ducts can suck my dick.

    • Megan Zander

      Hahahahahah

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      Mine got a boner once when I was massaging his tummy to try to help him poop. OK, BUDDY, I GUESS YOU CAN JUST STAY CONSTIPATED THEN.

    • Valerie

      Bwahahahahahahaha.

    • Guest

      hahaha

    • @Real_George_Clooney

      I wish someone would massage my tummy :(

    • Valerie

      Awwww! Hire a masseuse!

    • Megan Zander

      I’ve never witnessed a baby boner! I would freak out.

    • Valerie

      Wait until they start legit playing with themselves. If you saw the movie Waiting and remember the penis game? Yeah. My son definitely makes The Goat multiple times a week.

    • Megan Zander

      Sometimes in the tub they reach for each other, I try not to freak out too much but :(

    • Valerie

      Claire: “BEN! Why does your winky get BIGGER and BIGGER??”

      Ben: “I nuh know. It dust does”

    • rrlo

      My husband called my son’s erections a “bone” a few times in front of him, now my son thinks he has a bone in his penis when he has an erection. It’s rather funny.

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      Not gonna lie, it’s a little weird to start taking off a dirty diaper and be faced with that!

    • Megan Zander

      Oh clogged tear ducts. I haaaaated them. I am way to OCD to be cool about it, so I looked at them every 5 seconds and fretted like a ninny until they went away…until 3 days later when they came back.

    • Valerie

      Yup. I spent so much time in the 1am-4am hour massaging the inner eye with my pinky.

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      I didn’t see an improvement till I started putting breast milk in the baby’s eye (for serious). I felt like the dad from My Big Fat Greek Wedding – “Just squirt some Windex/boob juice on it, it’s fine!”

    • Valerie

      LOL. I did the same damn thing. And I have to admit- it worked. :-)

    • SA

      OMG. I used to work in daycare and the first time I saw a baby boner I freaked the F out!!!

    • @Real_George_Clooney

      Even girl babies!

    • Kat

      I’ve been too scared to google baby boner. I’m SO GLAD my kid isn’t the only one.

    • Obladi Oblada

      Holy mother…when the eldest boy child was 2, he stopped at the top of three steps that led into my parents sunken living room, dropped his pants and declared, “Mom! Wook! My pee-pee’s BIG!” I thought my Dad was going to explode from trying to contain his laughter.

    • rrlo

      Baby boners are so funny… it used to freak me out!

  • Kay_Sue

    7. How do I stop people from putting their hands in my baby’s mouth?

    What the actual fuck? Do people really dot his?

    • @Real_George_Clooney

      Only when the baby says offensive things

    • Valerie

      No. That’s what duct tape is for!

    • Kay_Sue

      Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver!

    • Valerie

      Or covered with Hello Kitty! Go to AC Moore! :-)

    • Kay_Sue

      See, you could then match your offensive baby to your decor. #Perfect

    • SA

      Yes. Yes they do. I was at CVS, in the process of handing my debit card to the cashier and had kid in the baby carrier beside me. In walks a drunk man (yep, it was 2 in the afternoon and this was at a pharmacy). I sense he has stopped beside me. I look over and his fat, car-greased finger is in my 6 week old infants mouth. I freeze. He looks at me and says “She is so cute I could steal her”…I tell him I would kill him and walk out. I put her in the car, rubbed hand sanitizer in her poor little mouth and cried all the way home. Promptly going to the computer and googling “Was it ok to put hand sanitizer in my baby’s mouth?”

    • Kay_Sue

      That’s such a new level of obnoxious I previously could not even imagine. I can’t imagine any human being just going, “Hey you know what would be awesome? Sticking my finger in a random baby’s mouth. That would be awesome.” NO! That should be a resounding NO, with no strings or caveats attached……..

    • Rachel Sea

      Guilty. I have stuck my pinky in many a friend’s kid’s mouth when they were fussy or hungry. I have also taught a few of them to suck their thumbs.

    • Kay_Sue

      Now we know who was being googled about! ;)

    • Rachel Sea

      At least I wash my hands. I actually fully stand by the finger-pacifier as a way to get a baby to sleep, while socializing or working. You know by their suck when they are about to fall asleep without even having to look at them.

    • Kay_Sue

      Yeah, I did it with my kids. I don’t know how many other people I would have been comfortable having doing it, but for me, it worked almost every time.

    • Rachel Sea

      I’m a decent babywhisperer so I quickly become auntie (or tia) to most of my friends’ and coworkers’ kids. I wouldn’t do it with a stranger’s baby, but I figure if we’re on diaper-changing terms, we’re already past the stage of them thinking anything weird about what I do to their kid to make there be less crying and more sleeping.

    • Kay_Sue

      This is true. Diaper-changing terms is a fairly close arrangement. And less crying/more sleeping is always a bonus.

    • jenstar

      Pinky in the mouth was literally the only way to stop my son fussing when he was newborn! I pretty much loved anyone willing to sit and let him suck on their little finger for a while so I could have my hand back (washed first of course!).

    • Maria Guido

      Yes! This totally happens and it drives me nuts.

    • Kay_Sue

      You guys are blowing my mind with the random sticking of fingers in orifices today. I’ve honestly not experienced it, and for that, I am eternally grateful…

  • Kendra

    Also: “what is my baby’s rash?” I’ve goggled that one more times than I can count. “what to do with a picky toddler” “toddler tantrums”.

    • Kay_Sue

      I did this crapshoot with rashes once. Both of our kids had a rash, head to toe. I took a chance.

      I lost. Those are images that I will never be able to get out of my head. #NeverAgain

    • Maria Guido

      Whenever I’ve Googled a rash I’ve been comforted that it didn’t look as bad as the Google image results.

  • Jennifer Freeman

    Totally googled the usual stuff everyone else mentioned, particularly the goopy eye. Before goopy eye I googled puffy eyes because his eyes were puffy when he woke up, (IDK, at the time it seemed like a big deal). I ran across a forum where most people were all “Yeah, no big deal, it’s from sleeping on that side of their face. The fluids just pool.”. That was fine until I ran across “Be careful. My son used to have this and it turned out he was going into kidney failur.”. Um.
    Like everyone else who BF, I was paranoid about every aspect of BF, from let down (is it letting down too fast? too slow? why does it hurt?) to foremilk/hindmilk (OMG HE IS SPITTING UP TOO MUCH IT IS TOTALLY TOO MUCH FOREMILK), to “Why is my baby so sleepy while nursing?”. That last one provided hours of Googling because it took almost a full hour to nurse him each time (he would just go to sleep) and I was desperate to get to the bottom of the sleepy nursing thing so I could catch a few minutes of sleep.

    • Lillybet

      Did you get to the bottom of the sleeping and feeding? It’s driving me mental at the moment (and my google skills are lacking as I can’t find squat).

    • Jennifer Freeman

      There were a few things. One was to undress the baby down to his diaper. The other was to stroke/tickle his feet, back or cheeks. The last one (which ended up working in combination with the other two) was to frequently switch sides while nursing. SO, nurse one one side for a couple of minutes, then swap. I had to swap back and forth like 3 or 4 times. Hope this helps!

  • keetakat

    The shower-spray nipple thing! What do you mean there’s more than one hole in my nipple?!?

    • Valerie

      I was fascinated by my spray. Hahaha. Total #momlife

  • wispy

    Bottle rot? Googling this now.

    • Maria Guido

      Don’t do it!

    • MegzWray

      OH Good Lord! My eyes!!! I can never unsee that!!!

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