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Alicia Silverstone‘s new parenting manual, The Kind Mama, is all the rage – especially among those who like to get fertility, sex and medical advice from a celebrity instead of a doctor. I get it though, celebrities are entitled to write books about stuff they only have anecdotal evidence works and become best-selling authors. This is the world we live in. You don’t like it – too bad.

Maybe you really need to be a kinder mama, and you’ve decided to open your mind and pick up a copy of this book. Good for you. You will quickly realize that Alicia has an intricate vocabulary of baby-talk and new-age babble that may make it almost impossible for you to follow along. You may begin reading and immediately think, “What in the actual fuck is she talking about?” I deciphered her baby-talk-babble so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Baby House 

Can anyone guess what this is? No, dummy – it’s not your baby’s actual house. You don’t have a baby yet because you eat animal fat and don’t make soulful love with your partner. The baby house is your uterus. Oh, it’s also your “intestines, veins, heart, blood, bones and tissues.”

Total Goddess Mamahood

Parenting, but not the way you’re doing it. You have a broken down baby house that is preventing you from experiencing total goddess mamahood. But you may be able to achieve it if you follow Alicia’s directives in chapter 5, aptly titled “Let’s Get You Pregnant!” It’s five pages long. Here’s the gist of it: “It’s time to shout from the rooftops what is really the culprit behind your broken-down baby house. It’s time to get back in balance. It’s time to clean out your baby house.”**

Nasty

Meat, dairy, and processed foods. Also fish and eggs and sugar. “Meat, dairy, and processed foods are tracking toxic sludge through your baby house. Nasty isn’t good baby karma.”

Placenta’s Front Door

Absolutely no fucking idea.

Tiny Special Guest

Fetus.

Clean, Mean, Baby-Making Machine

You, if you read this book and stop being a toxic jerk with a broken baby house.

A Junky House With A Leaky Roof And Backed-Up Plumbing

Your body, before you read and implement “kindness.”

Old 

One who is 20 to 24. “Before you think that “old” is a long ways away, the study saw a decline in fertility in subjects as young as 20 to 24.”

Box

Vagina.

Precious Lady Bits

Vagina.

Your Body’s Front Door

Vagina.

Hoo Ha

Vagina.

Chichi*

Vagina.

*Fun fact: Silverstone wrote a book about getting pregnant and being a mother, yet she can’t type the word “vagina.”

Your Monthly Discards

Dirty tampons.

Lady Gears

Ovaries. I think.

Magic Foods

Miso, pickled veggies, umeboshi plums, burdock root, daikon, lotus root, sea vegetables, adzuki and black soybeans. Oh, and green leafies. I’m sure you all have this stuff on your shopping lists, so we’re good here.

A Good Working-Over

Chewing your food 30 to 50 times per bite. No big.

The Major Highway In Your Pants

Penis. She has a section called “For Gentlemen Only” where she directly addresses the “papas.”

Bedroom Superpowers

Extremely hard erection that lasts.

Kind Loving

Sex.

Inserting Part A Into Part B

Sex.

Yummy, Soulful Sex

Sex.

** Any items in quotes are actual quotes. I wish I could take credit for them – they are comedic genius. Alas, I cannot.

(photo: Facebook)