A Cheat Sheet For The WTFness That Is Alicia Silverstone’s The Kind Mama

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Alicia Silverstone‘s new parenting manual, The Kind Mama, is all the rage – especially among those who like to get fertility, sex and medical advice from a celebrity instead of a doctor. I get it though, celebrities are entitled to write books about stuff they only have anecdotal evidence works and become best-selling authors. This is the world we live in. You don’t like it – too bad.

Maybe you really need to be a kinder mama, and you’ve decided to open your mind and pick up a copy of this book. Good for you. You will quickly realize that Alicia has an intricate vocabulary of baby-talk and new-age babble that may make it almost impossible for you to follow along. You may begin reading and immediately think, “What in the actual fuck is she talking about?” I deciphered her baby-talk-babble so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Baby House 

Can anyone guess what this is? No, dummy – it’s not your baby’s actual house. You don’t have a baby yet because you eat animal fat and don’t make soulful love with your partner. The baby house is your uterus. Oh, it’s also your “intestines, veins, heart, blood, bones and tissues.”

Total Goddess Mamahood

Parenting, but not the way you’re doing it. You have a broken down baby house that is preventing you from experiencing total goddess mamahood. But you may be able to achieve it if you follow Alicia’s directives in chapter 5, aptly titled “Let’s Get You Pregnant!” It’s five pages long. Here’s the gist of it: “It’s time to shout from the rooftops what is really the culprit behind your broken-down baby house. It’s time to get back in balance. It’s time to clean out your baby house.”**

Nasty

Meat, dairy, and processed foods. Also fish and eggs and sugar. “Meat, dairy, and processed foods are tracking toxic sludge through your baby house. Nasty isn’t good baby karma.”

Placenta’s Front Door

Absolutely no fucking idea.

Tiny Special Guest

Fetus.

Clean, Mean, Baby-Making Machine

You, if you read this book and stop being a toxic jerk with a broken baby house.

A Junky House With A Leaky Roof And Backed-Up Plumbing

Your body, before you read and implement “kindness.”

Old 

One who is 20 to 24. “Before you think that “old” is a long ways away, the study saw a decline in fertility in subjects as young as 20 to 24.”

Box

Vagina.

Precious Lady Bits

Vagina.

Your Body’s Front Door

Vagina.

Hoo Ha

Vagina.

Chichi*

Vagina.

*Fun fact: Silverstone wrote a book about getting pregnant and being a mother, yet she can’t type the word “vagina.”

Your Monthly Discards

Dirty tampons.

Lady Gears

Ovaries. I think.

Magic Foods

Miso, pickled veggies, umeboshi plums, burdock root, daikon, lotus root, sea vegetables, adzuki and black soybeans. Oh, and green leafies. I’m sure you all have this stuff on your shopping lists, so we’re good here.

A Good Working-Over

Chewing your food 30 to 50 times per bite. No big.

The Major Highway In Your Pants

Penis. She has a section called “For Gentlemen Only” where she directly addresses the “papas.”

Bedroom Superpowers

Extremely hard erection that lasts.

Kind Loving

Sex.

Inserting Part A Into Part B

Sex.

Yummy, Soulful Sex

Sex.

** Any items in quotes are actual quotes. I wish I could take credit for them – they are comedic genius. Alas, I cannot.

(photo: Facebook)

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    • Guets

      I want to like her only because I grew up loving Clueless. But I saw her on Oprah talking about her “Kind Diet” and she sounds like a stupid valley girl who was taking them shopping to follow her “kind” vegan diet but she was pulling out frozen fake ice cream bars that I know were made of all sorts of fake garbage. Dammit Alicia!

      • claire

        that always drives me crazy….just cuz its vegan doesnt mean its healthy. there’s probably still a crap ton of sugar and other not so great for you thinks in it. if you want something icecreamy,without milk go for a sorbet or lemon ice or popsicle… that’ll taste good and actually curb a craving.

      • AE Vorro

        OMG I just watched that bit. She is actually telling people that maple syrup is a sugar alternative. Um, no. It’s actual sugar. In fact, the process is called “sugaring.” WTF?

    • Kendra

      This can’t be real….I can’t accept that this is real…

      • ctpdenver

        I dare you to google “Lotus Birth”

    • Sara610

      If Alicia Silverstone ever tries to “clean out my baby house”, I will call the police.

      • Sarah

        Idk, it sounds kinda hot

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      I hate, hate, hate cutesy terms like “lady bits” and “lady gears” when referring to sex organs, because for one thing it’s terrible, coy writing that comes across as, “I’m confused by and terrified of my own body!”, and for another, it’s transphobic as hell. Yuck.

      I’m not touching the rest of this with a ten-inch pants superhighway–I mean, pole.

      • K.

        I love the way you put things. Straight up, girl.

      • Guest

        TEN INCH PANTS SUPERHIGHWAY …. I just died a very good death. Can I use that in convo sometime? Sorry, you’re pissing me off – you should take a ride on my ten inch pants superhighway, muthafucka!

      • Ursi

        for real

      • ctpdenver

        It is also wildly immature – like the kind of conversation a 14 year old would have

      • whiteroses

        Realistically, if you’ve had a baby and presumably have regular kind, soulful sex, then in theory you should be able to type the word “vagina”. I’m starting to think Alicia’s just trolling us.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      I am a little curious about the bedroom superpowers, though.

      • Sarah

        Ugh, not me. I get woken up often enough with a boner in the back as it is. My bf keeps telling me I will miss it when he’s 50 years old…but we’ll see. Not holding my breath.

      • TwentiSomething Mom

        Tell him when he’s 50 he’s going on a miso soup diet.

      • Valerie

        I am picturing her putting a spell on his peen.

      • noodlestein

        It’s a spell I’d like to learn, then. Whiskey dick is no joke, and I don’t like being disappointed!

    • Effervescent Pheasant

      I’ll be sure to share it with my friend who’s been on fertility meds and eating clean for over 15 years…NOT. I’m sorry, but what an asshat. If you can only get pregnant by having a clean baby house then how the flip did I end with with FOUR? I start my day off with coffee, reeses cups, diet coke and leftover pizza. Had my first ONE the pill, my second planned and just had twins who we first thought were fibroids. Guess they weren’t! I must have an awesome baby house!

      • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

        Yeah, I was eating locally and vegetarian before I got pregnant with the twins … after finally starting a course of fertility drugs. Probably if I had just hit Critical Quinoa Mass, though, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache, right?!

      • Valerie

        Bwahahaha. Critical quinoa mass.

      • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

        I ate A LOT of quinoa, too, so if I wasn’t at CQM I can’t imagine the volume I would have had to be eating.

      • Valerie

        Talk to Beth. She is stuffing her toddler with quinoa. I am trying hard not to picture those diapers.

      • Mystik Spiral

        “Stuffing her toddler with quinoa” about made me laugh out loud… :)

      • Bethany Ramos

        It is nonstop clean pooping! Like, nonstop.

      • Effervescent Pheasant

        I hate it when someone like Alicia tries to make it seem like infertility is somehow the Mother’s fault – well, maybe she didn’t say it outright, but I feel like it came off that way. I’ve watched my very best friend battle the loss of an ovary and many many years of trying to have a child. It’s heartache for sure and nothing to toss around with speculation like she is doing. Congrats on your twins though!

      • Kelly

        It doesn’t get much more direct than saying you’re infertile because your “baby house” is dirty, nasty and full of toxic sludge. She very clearly said infertility is a woman’s fault, and she’s a bitch for it.

      • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

        Thanks, you too! How old are yours? Mine are five months, and both are sick right now for the first time, which is not one of the milestones you see in most baby books for some reason.

        There are so many people/pieces of media that say, “Well, if you’d just try X, Y, or Z I’m sure you’d be knocked up in no time!!” As if most people who can’t get pregnant haven’t tried diet changes, exercise changes, timing sex, ovulation kits, checking their mucus, and possibly sacrificing a goat by the dark of night (you know, just in case). Wow, thanks, Alicia, I never would have thought of just being more ~natural~, what awesome advice!!

      • ctpdenver

        Absolutely – it’s very similar to blaming people for cancer – if they’d just incorporated more essential oils, they wouldn’t have gotten sick.

      • http://www.cafepress.com/ladycrim ladycrim

        *nod* My mom died of lung cancer. I always have to explain that she wasn’t a smoker, and hate that it makes a difference.

      • ctpdenver

        LOL Critical Quinoa Mass.I bet there’s a wheatgrass quota that’s key as well

      • JenH1986

        Ha ha ha ha. I died with Critical Quinoa Mass. I guess since we are struggling I just need to eat dark green leafies and quinoa all day to hit CQM and then BOOM. baby.

      • keelhaulrose

        I weighed 300 lbs when I got pregnant the first time. I’ll totally admit I was eating crap and my liquid intake was split between Pepsi and alcohol (I dropped 50 lbs in my first pregnancy by dropping most of my horrible eating/drinking habits). I was also on the pill and using a condom. Clean baby house my ass.

        If you’re having trouble getting pregnant (and you have my deepest sympathies if you are because it is a struggle and from what I’ve seen with friends TTC it’s heartbreaking) the actress who starred in a movie called ‘Clueless’ who has since been living up to that title shouldn’t be your first stop, and if it is you’re probably an anti-vaxxer as well.

      • TngldBlue

        Seriously, when I got pregnant my major food groups were soda, candy, chips, and alcohol. I held up a bar stool most nights, never got more than 5 hours of sleep, and the sum total of my exercise was walking to the office parking lot to smoke. Bitch please.

      • val97

        Beer, cigarettes, and “toxic” food from the chain restaurant I worked at was good enough for my baby house.

      • Kay_Sue

        My baby house was fuckin’ filthy.

        Of course, maybe that explains why my kids are gross now? I dunno. I’ll wait for her next book.

      • ChickenKira

        I ate ‘clean’ for so many years and had major fertility problems, kind of funny that when I went through IVF the hormones made me crabby and I spent a few months living off mac and cheese and blocks of toffee crisp chocolate.
        Despite the IVF, it almost seems like my daughter preferred her baby house to be made of cheese pasta and chocolatey goodness.

      • JenH1986

        Duh. Who wouldn’t? I want to live in a house made of cheese, pasta and chocolatey goodness.

      • AE Vorro

        Because, of course infertility is something a woman can just bring on herself… Aaarg.

    • Jennifer Freeman

      OMG! This is comedy gold but it makes me want to buy the book and get the full experience. Also, what do our “monethly discards” have to do with getting tiny special guests in our baby houses? I mean, why would she be concerned with used tampons? Obvs I know how fertility/menstrual cycle relate.

      • cabinfever

        As if she uses tampons – umeboshi plums look pretty absorbent

      • KaeTay

        I figured she’d use that cup thing that is resuable (no seriously it exists.. environmentalists friends use them)

      • Rachel Sea

        I totally use a cup, but not to save the planet. Once I got the hang of it it was so much more comfortable than pads or tampons, I couldn’t believe it. I barely even get cramps anymore.

      • cabinfever

        Haha, I actually use that, and I love it.

      • cabecb

        I used a cup too. I hate tampons and pads get so messy. It is comfortable but did take some getting used to. It is cleaner.

      • ctpdenver

        I almost want to buy it just for the entertainment value – however, I don’t want to encourage her. I’m sure I’ll be able to find it in a thrift store in 6 months.

      • ctpdenver

        I feel like she’s been reading every urban legend about tampons that ever existed.

    • Valerie
      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Maria’s article has more words ‘n stuff

      • whiteroses

        Sadly, she is not.

    • Marci

      I think we can all agree that Alicia Silverstone is behaving in much the same way as a kind, gentle cleanser delicately designed for, and applied to the precious lady bits that guard the kind baby house.

    • Lilly

      this is my thought at the idea of reading this book (also I like delicious irony)

      http://thepreppypostgrad.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/81779-clueless-ugh-as-if-gif-2qy3.gif?w=560

    • Sarah
      • Valerie

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That is perfect.

    • Ashley Austrew

      Oh, for the love. Penis. Vagina. Sex. I might be weird, but “chichi” makes me a lot more uncomfortable than “vagina.” Don’t give my adult anatomy cutesy names.

      • Sarah

        Right?? “Vagina” is the cleanest word I have ever used when referencing my sex organ. I would not be friends with this girl.

      • Sara

        Some people are so weird about this. When my daughter was 3 years old, she was changing her baby doll’s diaper and embarrassed a lot of people around us because she was describing what she was doing and said she was cleaning her baby’s vagina.

      • C.J.

        I would have preferred it if my kids called it a vagina when they were little. It didn’t matter that I used the proper words. My older daughter called it her little bum and the younger one followed what the older one did. They decided they had a big bum and a little bum, or sometimes a front bum.

      • Sara

        Sometimes kids will come up with their own terms for things no matter what you do. That’s kind of funny about the big and little bums, though. My husband and I decided from the start that we weren’t going to use cutesy or misleading terms with our children, and it makes a lot of people very uncomfortable to hear our little ones saying penis and vagina.

      • C.J.

        The older one walked in on my godson in the bathroom when they were 2 and decided boys had a silly bum. I had to have a talk with her that boys penises aren’t silly. Boys are just different than girls. Then she called penises a different bum. I was glad when she grew out of that! She is 11 now so she just uses the proper words now when she has to. She mostly tries not to refer to any “private” parts. Except boobs, she loves to talk about boobs!

      • journalgal2

        Mine does that too. Front bum and bum. She’s four, I’m not worried about it.

        ETA: And she has also decided her boy cousins have “stick out bums”. I couldn’t bring myself to correct her because I was laughing too hard.

      • C.J.

        Mine grew out of it by 6. The stick out bum is hilarious!

      • JenH1986

        Ha my friend’s niece called it her front butt.

      • Ashley Austrew

        When I was little, my mom taught me all sorts of cutesy names for it and told me she never called it a vagina because that’s the “grossest word in the world.” Cue major issues with my parts until many years later when I discovered life outside the home and feminism and was like, VAGINAAAA!

      • Sarah

        Did we have the same mom?? One time I accidentally left a few pubic hairs in the shower and my mom refused to say what they were! She was like, “You need to go rinse the shower out right now. You left a few…hairs near the drain. Hair not from your legs. Higher.” omfg I was like, “YOU MEAN MY PUBIC HAIR? FROM SHAVING MY VAGINA?” Christ on a cracker, woman.

      • Kendra

        Have you heard about these people who are teaching their daughters to call it a “cookie” “chacha” or “flower”? That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and it always makes me crazy!!!

      • Ukmummy

        Agreed! I hate this. Just use real words please!

      • MellyG

        That’s gotta make sex and gardening/eating sweets super confusing.

        “yes, you can share your cookie with the other kids….er, on second thought”

      • Pappy

        I hate to be The Voice of Doom but that’s also a bad idea for a really unpleasant reason. If your child gets molested, it makes it harder for the child to report it and be understood. Most people confronted by a sobbing child telling them a man “touched my flower” will be either confused or annoyed. “He showed me his penis and touched my vagina” will get their attention REAL fast.
        Children have a right to know what their body parts are called and parents have an obligation to teach them. End of.

      • JenH1986

        I know a few EMT/DA/Cop friends and they said that parents who teach their kids this actually can harm a case if their kids are ever hurt or injured or molested because “Where did he touch you?” “My cookie”. Not great on the stand or when a Dr. says “where are you hurting?” (She fell off her bike and was complaining of hurting the next day) and the response is “My flower”.

      • Ashley Austrew

        Ugh, that makes me cringe. I can’t imagine giving my daughter a bath and being like, “Okay, wash your arms. Now your belly. Now your butt. Now your cookie.” WTF. The only choice I had to make was whether to introduce it as vagina or vulva, and I decided vagina made the most sense as a go-to word until she’s old enough to understand the difference between each part.

      • Sara

        My mom taught us “possible” for vagina and “impossible” for the butt. Which is because when taught the word penis decided it was the most beautiful word in the world and referred to everything I loved as “penisy.”

    • momjones
      • Valerie

        Love ya Momjones!

    • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

      This was so fucking hilarious.

    • Rachel Sea

      Man, if only that team of reproductive endocrinologists had realized that my baby house had a leaky roof! How was the sperm supposed to meet up with the fruit of my lady gears when they were all leaking out the roof!

    • Jallun-Keatres

      Re: magic foods: Umeboshi….. yum! I have a story about umeboshi:

      I was taking Japanese in high school when that Top Model thing where they had to eat an umeboshi came out. I ended up going to Japan that summer and when my host family asked me if I wanted to try anything that was #1 on my list. Imagine my surprise when they pulled some out of their fridge! I tried it and it was f’n DELICIOUS! I think the whole family was surprised a white girl liked something so un-sweet!

      • Rachel Sea

        The food list is all stuff I think is delicious, but it’s also bloody expensive here. Umeboshi paste is $2 an ounce, the whole plums are a $1 each. Making umeboshi onigiri is an annual splurge, I just can’t justify the cost most of the time.

      • Jallun-Keatres

        Yes the only place I know of here that sells them is Pretentious Plaza so I’m only getting some here if it’s a pregnant craving.

    • G.E. Phillips

      “What is that you’re reading?”
      “It’s a book, Daddy.”
      “Says who?”
      “The girl who was in Clueless!”

    • Valerie

      I read this again (because I am apparently a masochist) and the sex descriptions are the worst. If I ever told my husband I wanted “yummy soulful sex” it might mark the first time in the history of our relationship that he would turn me down. And I would not blame him even a smidge.

      • Sarah

        What does that even mean? Candlelight, tears and constant eye contact? I think my chichi just shriveled up forever

      • Valerie

        I was thinking that tantric shit Sting is in to. And to that my husband would say “seriously? I just want to bust a nut”

      • Obladi Oblada

        Bahahaha…are you sure we aren’t married to the same guy?! 6’6″, brown hair, blue eyes, loves nut busting? ;)

      • Valerie

        All they share is hair color and a love of nut busting.

      • Obladi Oblada

        ‘A love of nut busting’ is probably one of my favorite new phrases. ;)

      • raeronola

        I can’t stop laughing at this comment

      • Sarah

        Or maybe she means something like George’s sex sandwich? THIS I can get behind

        http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lveo8rrzLv1qeofamo1_500.png

      • Bethany Ramos

        Hahahhahah

      • Alicia Kiner

        I don’t know, yummy sex= sounds like fun
        soulful sex= I assume this means connected, sensual sex, also sounds fun

        put the two together… could be a blast.

      • Kay_Sue

        I don’t think mine would turn it down, but I definitely think he’d call my psychiatrist immediately afterwards.

      • ctpdenver

        It’s the most twee expression ever

      • Valerie

        I love the word twee. Lol.

      • whiteroses

        Food products? Hells yes. There are certain food words that I can say in public to my husband, who’s so stiff upper lip it’s not funny, that make him blush. Which is awesome.

        Food words? No. So many levels of no. Sex can be incredible and awesome and totally mindblowing. “Yummy”? How old is Alicia?

      • Sara

        If I said that to my husband, I’m pretty sure he’d be laughing pretty hard. He wouldn’t turn me down, though, because, well, sex.

    • Alicia Kiner

      Ok, of all the things you quoted, though I question her spelling, Chi-chi may actually be factual. We use this term(at least that’s the way it sounds) to refer to my children’s parts. It’s Korean for privates, I guess, usable on both female and male anatomy in the crotch area. I have no idea, nor do I have any intention of asking in the near future, what the Korean translation of breasts would be.

      Otherwise, “Clueless” sums her up nicely.

      • Sarah

        If it’s interchangeable for boys and girls, then it isn’t factual at all when referencing a vagina. If I had a daughter, I would never call her vagina her “privates” or any other word that disguises what it actually is and ultimately tries to shame her for having one.

      • Alicia Kiner

        To my understanding (so I could be wrong), they don’t have a separate word for each. It’s kind of like saying knee or elbow to them. It’s just that “private” in this sense is the closest English word that could translate over.

      • K.

        I really respect your knowledge of that, but honestly, I can’t get behind Alicia Silverstone using it–even if it is technically the term in Korea.

        For God’s sake, what is the problem with this woman? She can’t type “vagina”? That’s the word in English. Not box or “front door” or whatever.

      • Alicia Kiner

        I apparently deleted out of the post that my husband is 1/2 Korean, so we didn’t just randomly pull it out of the air to use. It’s actually what my mother in law referred to it as when my son was learning to talk. Since he could say it, we stuck with it. I’m pretty weirded out by some of the names people come up with for them actually. Like, where did calling it a willy come from? The flower thing for a girl, I at least understand where it came from… the whole “deflowered” nonsense. But my daughter doesn’t call it a flower. Jeesh.

      • Sarah

        Oh I’m sorry that I commented on it then, that was inappropriate of me.

    • mediocrity511

      Hmmm, I am so much more than just a house for my baby, I am a person in my own right too!

    • mediocrity511

      Hmmm, I am so much more than just a house for my baby, I am a person in my own right too!

    • Tinyfaeri

      If we all get together, and stop reading the crap that people ask celebrities, maybe they’ll stop asking them crap, and maybe then they’ll stop thinking they know enough to write books on stuff. Unless they’re Bill Nye, because he actually knows stuff about things.

      • Maria Guido

        We can never do that because I have too much fun writing this stuff.

      • Kay_Sue

        <<<<< Has too much fun reading the stuff written about it

    • K.

      I am tempted to illustrate the virtues of simple, declarative writing by using this sentence:

      “A tiny special guest leaving the baby house via the placenta’s front door and down the hoo ha.”

      OR

      “Giving birth.”

      Her kind diet has apparently necessitated her body’s cannibalism of her brain.

      • whiteroses

        Oh, and lest we forget- according to Alicia Silverstone, had I eaten enough leafy greens, I would not have spent the first four months of my son’s life wading through a fog of depression and wanting to kill myself. I mean, who knew that the cure for PPD is a kale smoothie? Trust me, if eating different food could have fixed the way I was feeling, I would have lived in a goddamn chard field, crapping in a ditch and weaving blankets from random sheep I’d managed to catch.

        If you add this and her anti-vaxx bullshit together, she’s dangerous. Somebody might actually take this shit seriously.

      • K.

        Yeah, the points at which mere mockery became anger:

        1. It’s mom’s “toxic” body that causes infertility.
        2. It’s mom’s inferior habits that causes PPD
        3. Fertility declines after age 24 and hurry up because you’re “old.” Yeah, but you know what tends to increase after 24? Financial solvency. Oh, and maturity. Both of which you need in order to raise a child. And while fertility might decline after 24, I have to say that in my own life–which isn’t everyone’s life, but FWIW–most 30-year-old women I know have not been having problems; the few that do appear to have medical reasons that could be somewhat exacerbated by aging, but nevertheless would have still made it difficult or impossible to conceive even at the ripe old age of 19.

        …I mean, hello–Tom Cruise wants his Scientology talking points back.

        Alicia Silverstone is not a writer, so although that doesn’t make her published work beyond critique or ridicule (both of which it very much deserves), I also really want to know what happened to the editing here because this is like, basic publishing 101: who is the audience for this book? My guess is that they wanted to parlay Silverstone’s existing blog following and give her the sort of branding that Gwyneth Paltrow and Giada de Laurentis have (privileged whiteness with a side of greenwashing sanctimony), but this book sounds like it’s all over the place. It’s for people who want a green lifestyle, but written as if it’s to help people conceive through the green lifestyle–two different audiences. And I can guarantee you that the women I know who have struggled with fertility didn’t start with drugs and IVF as Silverstone (weirdly) assumes–they ALL started with lifestyle changes. Excepting the very privileged (like Silverstone herself), who spends thousands of dollars unless it’s a last resort? It seems more appropriate for married women more around Silverstone’s age (30s) but the style and tone is for teenage girls. I mean, it’s footnoted and I can’t see the footnotes in the preview, but there are a lot of bullets that I’d question (“Vegetarians have less toxins in their breastmilk!” …Okay, but are we SURE that’s exclusively diet-related? Vegetarians are also more likely to be educated and higher income, which could also mean that they are less likely to live next to a hydraulic fracturing operation).

        Well, so there I go off on my rant. Clearly, I can go on about this forever, but yeah–this is a really bad publication. I hope that the criticism builds enough so that she can’t just go on “Today” and spout this nonsense without getting at least a little brushback from Matt and Hoda.

      • whiteroses

        I agree. For the most part, the only reason this book could gain traction would be because there are moms out there who are scared. Who are worried they’re not doing the right thing. Who want desperately to be the best moms they can, because who wouldn’t? But I hate the fact that there’s some mom out there who might actually buy this garbage.

    • Harriet Meadow

      Celebrity not, doctor or not, I don’t think ANYONE should be able to write a book espousing a parenting method until their kid is a well-adjusted adult (and preferably more than one kid, since one could be an anomaly). What happens if Bear Blue (::shudder::) ends up being the most maladjusted individual ever? Do think poor Alicia will retract her parenting tips?

      • keetakat

        I concur!!!

    • JJ

      God I am going to laugh so hard when this kid of her’s gets older and starts to hang out with people outside of his mom. That is assuming she still doesn’t have the umbilical cord attached because its just sooo natural. That kid is going to go to other people’ s home where there is glutton, sugar, candy and chips and go nuts. We’ve all seen that kid before at birthday parties or school events (well at least before schools went all crazy and banned anything that isn’t a carrot stick basically) who goes crazy like an alcoholic when they get their first taste of birthday cake or sugar. I’m sure Alicia is one of the crunchy granola moms who thinks she will be perma attached to her kid his whole life but haha good luck with that. Sooner or later he’s got to leave the bubble of the crunchy hippie world.

    • keetakat

      “Box”? Really? Like your hot box? Box o’ wine? Stepping out of the box? It’s not even shaped like a box. Vaginas are more like a bubble or a pod with a flower in the front. This is my flower-bubble-pod. My vagina looks like a collaborative painting by Dali and O’Keeffe.

      • Kay_Sue

        My husband and I have had a similar discussion. He sometimes uses it, because it’s slang he grew up with, and I’m like, WTF? It doesn’t remotely resemble a box…in any way…

      • keetakat

        Whenever I think of the word “box” I think of “Cool Hand Luke”….

        “Any man playing grab-ass or fighting in the building spends a night in the box.”

    • ctpdenver

      I am shocked that she didn’t use the term “Yoni”

    • Kay_Sue

      I really, really, really take offense to having my entire body labelled a baby house…

      • Kay_Sue

        However, I am intrigued by her offer to get me pregnant. Will have to run it by my husband, but I don’t know that he’d be against that…

    • Rebecca L

      Miso and pickled anything (beets, baby!) should be on everyone’s shopping list, cuz they’re delicious. But, how you come up with a bunch of euphemisms for your vagina, and none of them are your Merry Christmas, I have no idea.

    • Simone

      The wealthy Western white woman guide to kid stuff….

    • K.

      I had to try the Alicia Silverstone way of conceiving and birthing a child:

      To achieve total goddess mamahood, you have to start with the baby house. It can’t be a junky house with a leaky roof and backed-up plumbing. You gotta get that baby house ready for a tiny special guest and so you have to become a clean, mean, baby-making machine. First, don’t be old. Second, don’t eat nasty. Third, give your magic foods a good working-over. Fourth, make sure papa gives magic foods a good working over too. Many of them are good for papa’s major highway in his pants and will give him bedroom superpowers for inserting part A into Part B for some kind loving. Have lots of yummy, soulful sex and soon enough, your lady gears will be crankin’ and you’ll kiss your monthly discards goodbye and never have to insert them into your precious lady bits during the next nine months. And if your man treats your hooha real nice, pretty soon you’ll have a tiny special guest in your baby house. That tiny special guest will grow until it’s too big for your baby house and then it’s time to show it your body’s front door. However, it’s likely to be way bigger than your monthly discards, so your box is going to have to stretch. This will be the opposite of yummy soulful sex in every way, but as soon as you can get that tiny special guest out of your chichi, that’s when you’ll achieve total goddess mamahood!

      Here’s to your baby house, lady gears, and hooha, you kind mama! Have a cup of miso soup!

      …Annnnnd I sound like a crazy person.

    • Burgundy

      Miso, pickled veggies, and umeboshi plums are Asian processed food…. I guessed someone forgot to point that out to Alicia?! If those food are good for fertility, why do Japan, South Korea and Taiwan all have very low birth rate? Ps, I am from Asia…..

    • Elizabeth Aspen

      Fruitcake. My bad – I meant clueless fruitcake.

    • shorty_RN

      So I read every quote in her “Clueless” voice, and it made it infinitely better. “Like, meat, dairy, and processed foods are tracking toxic sludge through your baby house. Nasty isn’t good baby karma. As if!”

    • Gangle

      This is going to sound terrible, but in my household a ‘good going-over’ means dirty, slutty sex.

    • Jennifer P

      I’m supposed to be taking lessons in “kind parenting” from a woman who named her son Bear and feeds him regurgitated soybeans?

    • http://maitribathbody.com/ Maitri
    • mommystired

      Ummm…I got pregnant with my daughter on my 30th birthday weekend, which can best be described as “booze-soaked”. I was also a meat eater, social smoker and a caffeine fiend. Since having a baby, I cleaned up my diet, went mostly vegan and cut out most bad shit (all the FUN stuff)…..and have had multiple miscarriages. Sure, eating healthy is great, but it took some old-fashioned western medicine to fix me. PLEASE don’t diminish women with fertility issues by telling them they just need to eat more beets.

    • http://www.max-logic.com/ maxfab

      You made this up, I know you did!

    • Rowan

      “It’s time to clean out your baby house.”

      The all-new Dyson. With special patented Vagi-brush.

    • Keeks

      The awkward moment when Cher grew up to be more “hipster” than Josh.

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