11 Places You Should Not Use A Sex Toy

remote controlled vibratorSex toys can be a fun way to spice up your marriage, but there’s a time and a place for everything. This is the lesson that Ashley and Dennis, who were featured on TLC‘s Sex Sent Me to the ER, had to learn in a most unfortunate way when they tried to use a unique type of vibrator in public. And what a hard lesson it was (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

According to the couple’s interesting conversation with The Stir‘s Adriana Velez, Ashley heard about a remote controlled vibrator from a friend. Apparently the vibrator part is worn by one person, and their partner controls it with the remote. Ashley and Dennis were intrigued by the idea of public masturbation/sex play (and I have to admit, so am I) and decided to try it out…at their local grocery store. According to The Stir:

“We never used any toys like this before,” Dennis says, “but I was open to it.” He thought it was really cool that it was wireless. “You could be sneaky with it, but you could be discreet. That was the fun part — it was a mischief thing…I could be far away from her and press a button, and it would reach her. That was the best part. She didn’t know when it was coming.”

Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse when one “buzz” caught Ashley off guard. She slipped and hit her head, an ambulance was called and off to the ER she went. I bet explaining that situation was a fun time! This got me thinking about the many places where public masturbation just wouldn’t work. Places like…

11. The TSA security line

Ruth Wilson sex gesture gif

They might think you just rigged up the world’s most perverted underwear bomb.

10. You kid’s soccer game

soccer super saiyan gif

Not only would this be totally inappropriate, but if you DID fall and hit your head, the grass stains would be a bitch to get out.

9. Driving

Chevy Chase National Lampoons driving gif

And they say texting and driving is distracting!

8. Exercise class

Putin karate dancing gif

I know Zumba is exciting, but this would be ridiculous. No one wants to hear your moans of ecstasy while getting their sweat on.

7. Church

Jenna Marbles underwear across the room gif

Even in the confines of a monogamous, married relationship, I think your priest would disapprove of you climaxing mid-sermon.

6. PTA meeting

Rob Ford dancing gif

I know that George Clooney-esque single dad who does the treasurer stuff is totally hot, but save your passion for when you’re alone.

5. Bingo

Wayne Brady dancing gif

You don’t want to jump up mid-orgasm and accidentally claim a prize, now do you?

4. Jury duty

Kenny Powers Fire Works Gif

Though I guess this is one way to get dismissed.

3. At a funeral

my body is ready snape gif

Paying your respects to a loved one is probably not the best place to get your rocks off, and even if that does float your boat, have some damn respect!

2. Skeet shooting

Blanch Gold Girls hot in here gif

Just imagine…”Pull!…Pull!..PUUULLLLLLL!!” (Skeet indeed)

1. While nine months pregnant

dancing baby in womb gif

If it doesn’t make your water break, you might just pee yourself. Neither of these things are sexy.

(Photo: YouTube/ GIFs: ReactionGifs.com)

Share This Post:
    • Justme

      I fear this discussion is going to go the way of the “cilantro” article…

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        Fear or secretly hope? Get your popcorn ready…

      • http://flockeoseagulls.flavors.me/ Frances “Librle” Locke

        Secretly hope? There is no secret about it, at least for me!

      • AP

        The woman behind me at Trader Joe’s today was buying cilantro and I thought, “ooh scandalous.”

        And then I remembered that normal people think cilantro is a decidedly ordinary foodstuff that has no sexual connotations whatsoever.

      • Andrea

        The say ignorance is bliss….

      • Andrea

        pfftt…you are hoping not fearing. It’s ok, this is a safe place ;)

    • Ursi

      okay, I thought the title referred to places you shouldn’t insert a sex toy and I thought 11 seemed overly ambitious

      So I’m somewhat relieved…

      • Paul White

        but disturbed too. at least I am. Using a sex toy in a security line? Yikes

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      • Lindsay

        Out of curiosity, what number would make that list appropriate? I can think of, like, 5 if you include both ears separately.

      • http://flockeoseagulls.flavors.me/ Frances “Librle” Locke

        I like how you think.

    • Valerie

      How about at a job interview? “No…..oh….ohh…ohhhhh…..OOOHH….I don’t have any questions.”

      • Andrea

        Is it wrong that I was a little turned on by this?

      • Valerie

        Hahaha. Not at all.

    • ILoveJellybeans

      There is a show called “Sex sent me to the ER”? That sounds interesting-where do TLC find these people, they really find some crazies!

      • ChickenKira

        *goes to set up series record*

      • http://flockeoseagulls.flavors.me/ Frances “Librle” Locke

        I’m totally going to binge watch this show now.

    • Jimbo Jones

      What is this filthy piggyshit?

    • http://ultimatemamacat.tumblr.com/ Hana Graham

      Confession: Have always wanted to try this.

      • http://flockeoseagulls.flavors.me/ Frances “Librle” Locke

        Me too! Ain’t no shame in my game!

    • LiteBrite

      Dammit! It’s out of stock.

      (Yes, I clicked on the link to check it out. Sue me.)

    • http://flockeoseagulls.flavors.me/ Frances “Librle” Locke

      Does anyone else find that Putin gif mesmerizing?

      • Valerie

        Totes.

    • K.

      On another note, that Snape gif is now my favorite.

    • Melissanichole Hermes

      Sex toys are great for early labor. They can help with contractions and pain early on.

    • Tom Maker

      Number 12….your butt!!