“Everybody poops,” as the old 16th century saying goes, and nowhere online is that fact more apparent than on Facebook. Over the years, a common reader response to poop posts on STFU, Parents is, “Gee, I wonder what would happen if *I* described or posted pictures of my large bowel movements to my friends, relatives, and colleagues on Facebook?!” For parents, a baby’s regular evacuation is a joyous thing, and particularly sizable dumps are momentous occasions. But for their friends, the information comes across as nearly the same as it would if the parents themselves had announced their own poop adventures. Poop is poop. We all doo it (heh), and, thankfully, because this system of eliminating waste from our bodies is universal, most of us don’t talk about it online. Baby poop, adult poop, middle school poop, geriatric poop — what’s the difference? Well, if you’re a recent parent, the difference is that babies can shit out an astonishing amount of poop in relation to their size, something that moms and dads find both fascinating and impressive. And what better way to entertain one’s friends than by passing along the revelation that a teeny tiny baby is actually capable of pooping like an elephant? I mean, who wouldn’t want to know that information, right?
You can see, or perhaps smell, where I’m headed with this. It’s time for another Bathroom Behavior poop submission inbox colonoscopy, and today’s theme is ‘quantity.’ Parents: Your social media friends don’t need reminding that babies are autonomous poop factories. They also don’t need to read about their habit of pooping in the bath, painting with poopon the walls, or the fact that young babies’ poop smells like buttered popcorn. That said, if you’re going to marvel about your child’s massive crap online, at least don’t post a picture. I’ve spared you fine readers of the rancid contents in my “Poop Pics” folder today (which, in case you’re wondering, DOES make me feel like a weirdo for having on my computer), but that doesn’t make the following examples okay. It just means they’re “lacking” a visual and your chances of barfing have been vastly reduced. You’re welcome!
1. No Comprende Esta Mierda
This status update is the “gateway post” to poop talk. If a friend in your newsfeed ever posts this simple, seemingly harmless update and you don’t care to know about his/her baby’s poop for the next two to four years, you might want to hide the person now. Otherwise, that tasty jelly donut you’re eating for breakfast one day is going to suddenly become a lot less tasty.
2. Blast O’ Poop Ready For Liftoff
Once parents have graduated from the “holy crap, the size of my kid’s CRAP!” stage, they immediately move into the “projectile poop stories” stage. It’s a pretty fast transition and often results in the use of words like “shoot” and “blast.” Before you know it, the descriptions are written with a narrative structure and are accompanied by photos, illustrations, and perhaps even a YouTube video.
3. TMI, Donna. TMFI.
“Mine aren’t even that big.” This is the line that will ring through my ears for the next several hours as I desperately watch cat videos in the hopes of erasing it from my memory. Donna, girl, you’ve convinced me that your son’s GIANT dump is indeed of the monstrous variety, but in the process you’ve also described the size of your own turds. Please pause for a brief Facebook break.
4. Banana Poop
Yes, I added the banana profile picture for visual emphasis. Just look at how happy he is! I can only hope this is how Brown’s kid’s banana poop came out, like Mr. Hankey on Christmas. Otherwise it’s just your average, disgusting, “soft serve” poop description, as told by Brown to her entire social media network.
5. Bowl Inspection And Analysis
I’m trying to think of what the WORST description in this submission is, because they’re all fucking terrible. Glenn couldn’t just stop at “boa constrictor.” Oh hail no. Not when there’s “thickness” to be elucidated, and “plaster casts” of weighty excrement to be joked about. That is, until parents actually start making plaster casts their children’s shit. You know that fad is coming down the pike. Marketers with their finger on the pulse are probably putting the finishing touches on a “Bronze Your Baby’s Poop” at-home kit as we speak, and parents like Glenn can hardly wait to show off their kid’s gleaming feces sculpture (perfect for the living room mantle). Everyone else, however, can wait a lifetime and more. Please, Lord, don’t make bronzing baby shit a real thing. I’m still not over the part about the thickness.