• Fri, Apr 25 - 2:31 pm ET

STFU Parents: Parents Who Can’t Get Over Their Children’s Impressive Crap

“Everybody poops,” as the old 16th century saying goes, and nowhere online is that fact more apparent than on Facebook. Over the years, a common reader response to poop posts on STFU, Parents is, “Gee, I wonder what would happen if *I* described or posted pictures of my large bowel movements to my friends, relatives, and colleagues on Facebook?!” For parents, a baby’s regular evacuation is a joyous thing, and particularly sizable dumps are momentous occasions. But for their friends, the information comes across as nearly the same as it would if the parents themselves had announced their own poop adventures. Poop is poop. We all doo it (heh), and, thankfully, because this system of eliminating waste from our bodies is universal, most of us don’t talk about it online. Baby poop, adult poop, middle school poop, geriatric poop — what’s the difference? Well, if you’re a recent parent, the difference is that babies can shit out an astonishing amount of poop in relation to their size, something that moms and dads find both fascinating and impressive. And what better way to entertain one’s friends than by passing along the revelation that a teeny tiny baby is actually capable of pooping like an elephant? I mean, who wouldn’t want to know that information, right?

You can see, or perhaps smell, where I’m headed with this. It’s time for another Bathroom Behavior poop submission inbox colonoscopy, and today’s theme is ‘quantity.’ Parents: Your social media friends don’t need reminding that babies are autonomous poop factories. They also don’t need to read about their habit of pooping in the bathpainting with poopon the walls, or the fact that young babies’ poop smells like buttered popcorn. That said, if you’re going to marvel about your child’s massive crap online, at least don’t post a picture. I’ve spared you fine readers of the rancid contents in my “Poop Pics” folder today (which, in case you’re wondering, DOES make me feel like a weirdo for having on my computer), but that doesn’t make the following examples okay. It just means they’re “lacking” a visual and your chances of barfing have been vastly reduced. You’re welcome!

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  • Butt Trophy Recipient
    • Jallun-Keatres

      Oh crap, a picket line!

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      How can we have an article about awesome poop and not have pictures?????????

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    On one hand, as a parent or even a grandparent, I don’t think you’re immune from being impressed or horrified by epic dumps.
    But everyone should be immine from sharing this with unsuspecting innocent bystanders who might be browsing Facebook over lunch!
    Besides, my husband likes to tell specific people who would appreciate such a story about Mall Dump Incident 2014. He gets their reactions in person ;)

    • JLH1986

      My husband and his step dad trade photos via text. nasty.

    • val97

      Exactly. It’s one thing to intentionally gross out certain friends in person. It’s another to post something online for your entire social network.

    • Tinyfaeri

      My husband and I tell each other about our kid’s poops, but I don’t think I’d tell anyone else, at least not in any details. Maybe my in-laws once when they showed up to babysit after a really bad incident, and even then it was more to explain the shell-shocked look on my face (The Incident was resolved right before they got here) and lacked details.

  • Katherine Handcock

    I’m sure every parent THINKS these things. It’s just the step from thinking to posting that needs to be a whole lot bigger…

    • Iwill Findu

      Nope I work in the medical field my baby has nothing on my 9-5 (not really 9-5 thanks to shift work). I could clean babies all day long and not blink.

    • Rachel Sea

      Seriously. I cared for people whose digestion had been made to rely on mineral oil for upwards of 50 years. One day the idiot nurse decided that he’d just discontinue that, because it’s not a healthy way to live, but he didn’t order any replacement – no probiotics, no fiber, not even bran or prune juice. Within 2 weeks, the mineral oil was back, but the intervening time was hell.

    • Kay_Sue

      I’ve definitely had these moments where I thought it. That next step should be the size of, I dunno, maybe the space from the sun to Uranus? That’s just the first thing that comes to mind.

  • Lee

    I had female friends in college who lived together and would leave their giant shits in the toilet for each other to see. All four of them tried to one up each other. I have since lost touch with them but I shudder to think of what they post about their children’s shit online.

    • Kay_Sue

      Oh my god. That is awful.

  • Valerie

    When my brother was 22 he texted me a picture of a poo he took on Christmas Eve. Because he thought it was shaped like a candy cane and therefore, seasonally appropriate.

    • Megan Zander

      #doesnotsmelllikepeppermint

    • Tinyfaeri

      I just had a really bad flashback to The Thin H Line circa 2001.

    • Megan Zander

      Sorry?

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      Wonder what caused the red stripes…

    • Valerie

      Knowing my family? Fruit Loops.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      But those usually turn it green? (Don’t ask.)

  • Kay_Sue

    I just…I just can’t. I can’t. Boa constrictor? Banana? Do they not realize the words that their fingers are typing??

  • Ursi

    I understand how parents lose their filters, I mean, if I were confronted with the reality of unexpected feces for years I would probably lose mine too.

    What I don’t understand is how they nobody calls them on it or unfriends them. I admit that the one and only time someone I knew produced a “poo photo” I was at a loss for words but I quickly learned to hide that feed. The only one subjected to my epic dump stories is my spouse and that’s because we’re a pair of gross 12 year olds. The world at large has zero interest in these sorts of things. Leave them out of it!

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      But they’re not unexpected feces — kids eat, kids poop, it’s entirely expected.

    • Ursi

      Ah yes, but who expects them to appear in so many places and at such speed and volume? Yikes.

  • whiteroses

    If “everybody poops” then nobody needs to know about it.
    Alternately- if you wouldn’t post it about yourself, don’t post it about your kid.

    • Kay_Sue

      Don’t encourage them. I think some of them would absolutely post this about themselves!!! ;)

    • whiteroses

      Ewwwwww……

  • K.

    I really do not get this “trend.” And I am/have been a sleep-and-adult-company-deprived mother.

    I think I should take a picture of MY OWN shit and post that as a comment.

    Actually, I think I’ll just download a pic from the web somewhere, declare it’s mine and when people balk and tell me it’s gross, I’ll then say, “J/K! It’s actually my toddler’s! Isn’t it so much cuter now?!”

    Seriously. WTF is wrong with people?

  • SarahJane86

    I generally stare on in appropriate horror, bemusement and amusement at STFUP but this time, I gotta say, parents are totally unfairly targeted. (tongue in cheek, to avoid internet confusion about tone).

    All male share houses make this look like sharing a picture of your kitten.

    I remember that a male share house I frequented use to keep a house journal of their bowel movements, including size, colour, frequency and difficulty in passing. Facebook wasn’t a thing then, but they *totally* would have facebooked it.

    My understanding is such behaviour is disturbingly common.

    • Pzonks

      Yep! I have guy friends (all in their 30s) who send each other pics of their notable poops. One of them, in college, him and his housemates had a special fridge where they would KEEP “exceptional” poops.

    • Sri
    • Hibbie

      What. The. Fuck. That is bananas!

    • ILoveJellybeans

      EEWWWWWWWWW that is disgusting.
      They bought a special fridge to keep their poops in??????

    • Williwaw

      A guy I knew supposedly saved a fart in a Ziploc bag (thankfully, I did not get to see [smell] the evidence, so I can tell myself that maybe it didn’t really happen).

      Let’s all just be thankful there is no smellovision for parents to share babby smells.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      …how?

    • Williwaw

      I didn’t get the details, but I imagine he held the bag up to his bare ass and quickly zipped it shut without compressing the bag, so as to retain the gas. The person (his girlfriend) who told me about it said that the next day he convinced her to open the bag and smell it and she said he had indeed successfully preserved the fart. Another proud first for humanity.

    • Lcferna

      I know a group of adult males that have a ritual poop game. It’s disgusting. The idea is that someone leaves a ‘ghost’ (read dump) SOMEWHERE in the house, and as they are taking thier leave they announce ‘ghost’. This lets the house residents know they now have to hunt for the dump. Not until the ghost is found, can they then return the favour. The most foul, yet admirably hidden one was when a few years a go, one of them went through the effort to empty the margarine container, poop into it, and the cover it back with marg, and return it to the fridge…took them a few weeks to find that one.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      My God. This made me laugh. Then vomit. It’s funny because I’m picturing it like a cartoon but as real life, it’s horrifying.

    • Williwaw

      Obviously I have led a sheltered life because I was picturing a ghost dump in an already-filthy corner of the garage, or maybe in an old margarine container (intended for recycling) under the bed (and I still thought those were pretty disgusting).

      On the bright side, I don’t think I’ll eat margarine for awhile. Possibly a very long while.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      Wait. A few weeks? And they were still using that tub of margarine?

      I’m surprised nobody caught anything nasty from it.

    • ILoveJellybeans

      I don’t know what is worse, this or the above comment about the special fridge someone bought to preserve their big poops in.
      Why is this a fun game? I wouldn’t even expect purposely hiding poo in the house from a toddler. Especially not pooping in the margarine and putting it back in the fridge.

    • Lamb

      I feel insanely lucky that none of my male friends are anything like what everyone here is describing (and I have several of them). The worst they do is simply say “man! I just took a huge dump! Don’t go in there yet.” There are no pictures (to any of their friends), none left in the bowl to show others, no describing. I’m feeling luckier and luckier by the day that I associate with the men that I do.

    • Pzonks

      While I will admit that many of my male, poop sharing friends, are gross they are all REALLY upstanding men who would happily give you the shirt off their back. I count myself lucky to have them in my life and thankful that I’m not on their poop photos sharing list.

  • Kendra

    I wanted to be floored and outraged by these, but I just couldn’t…

  • raeronola

    I sort of feel like this comes from some weird mammalian instinct from when we used to have to inspect our own poop for like…idk danger? Don’t monkeys inspect their poop? Anyway. Don’t put that shit on Facebook and we’re good. Pun intended.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      A quick visual check can be a good indicator of how things are going digestion-wise. Butt no-one wants to hear all the details about size, consistency, colour, shape, and odor. No-one.

    • Williwaw

      And if they do want to know, they can just assk.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      The only one likely to doo that is my doctor.

    • Chris Bradshaw

      Parasites is what monkeys and early humans were looking for.

  • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

    um,

  • Rachel Sea

    I had completely blocked projectile poops from my memory, and now I’m having flashbacks. Thanks, Obama.

  • Hibbie

    I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen Aidan spelled correctly in an STFU, Parents submission. I feel like this calls for some sort of celebration (one that doesn’t involve plaster poop casts, of course).

  • Taylor Madison Street

    Blair Koenig has my ex-best friend Brett to thank for me discovering STFU Parents and becoming a fan of her work on both her site and Mommyish. After reading a status update about his then newborn daughter’s poop on his Facebook page, I googled something along the lines of “Facebook etiquette for parents” and found STFU Parents because I was horrified and disgusted by that post and other things that he had been posting at the time about his daughter.

    I wanted to see if there were other people out there that found parents’ status updates about their children’s poop or other TMI type posts inappropriate for Facebook. I was thrilled to see that I was far from being the only one who thought that kind post is inappropriate to post on Facebook . I still can’t believe that parents think that their Facebook friends would want to read about their children’s poop. Sometimes I think people lose their social filter once they have a child. While I didn’t end my friendship with Brett because of how he was acting as a new parent, I do think that Blair’s slogan “You used to be fun. Now you have a baby.” fits Brett perfectly.

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    1: Courtney, nobody understands it. And nobody wants to hear about it.

    2: Jessica. Whoa, indeed. But this conversation should have only ever happened face-to-face.

    3: This post brought to you by WTMI, the station with Way Too Much Information.

    4: Well, bananas are ruined, now.

    5: Oh. Hell no. Nobody needed to read that. Nobody. (Also, might want to give the kiddo more fiber if he’s doing poos that big.)

  • RW
  • Cherry

    Intestines are long, who knew!

  • Jezebeelzebub

    Way before FB, my bestie’s husband sharted in his pants and my friend swore there was a whole bean in his manties- an intact, unscathed pinto bean. She called to tell me about it and if FB and cellphone cameras would have been a Thing then, I’d have demanded evidence in the form of a photograph. And then probably *I* would have posted it on FB. I’m just being honest. And also, I’m really sort of disappointed in myself right now.

  • paintedfish

    uh oh, i’m so guilty of this. but i only did one post! i promise, no more!

  • neighbor57

    If you must discuss your child’s poop, it should be only with other people who change that child’s diaper on a regular basis. Or with other moms at the sideline of a soccer game. (I add that because moms at soccer can range from discussing poop to sex to menopause. “Soccer mom” is so much more than you thought!)

  • AP

    My management company just said I can’t have a cat. My neighbor is pregnant. I’m tempted to send them the deal about the projectile poop in hopes that they’ll change their mind.

  • PrinceOfHate

    I used to be amazed by the size of my son’s crap when he was 2-3. Coke cans I tell you, but going online and gawking over it? No. Save it for the table talk on Thanksgiving people geeze!…………