shutterstock_144630125

Have you ever heard the old saying that Buffalo Bills cheerleaders should be seen and not heard? Me neither. That’s because most people understand that cheerleaders are people too, instead of perfectly robotic, upstanding members of society who need to be told how to wash their vaginas.

Yes, you heard me right. Buffalo Bills management cares a lot about the performance of their cheerleaders—so much so that they have provided an overly detailed guidebook to instruct the ladies on exactly what they can and cannot do, down to the type of tampons they use:

The patronizing and controlling guidelines emerged as the Buffalo Jills cheerleading squad announced on Thursday that they are packing up their pom-poms for this season and will not turn out for the team.

The Jill Cheerleaders Code Of Conduct instructs the women on how to keep certain ‘intimate areas’ fresh, offering advice such as ‘When menstruating, use a product that (sic) right for your menstrual flow.’

Covering all conceivable bases about the cheerleaders and their bodies, the ‘General hygiene & lady body maintenance’ section of the book states that ‘A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus. A product left in too long can cause bacteria or fungus build up. Products can be changed at least every 4 hours. Except when sleeping, they can be left in for the night.’

So much WTF here. Never in my life has anyone told me what size of tampon to use and how long to leave it in. I also find it hard to believe that tampon size and duration could potentially affect a cheerleader’s performance. Perhaps in very, very rare cases, women have suffered from fungal infections caused by leaving a tampon in for too long, but REALLY. There’s no way this is cause enough for concern to put tampon restrictions in an official handbook.

Dumb cheerleaders don’t know how to use tampons, everyone knows that. According to the all-knowing handbook, dumb cheerleaders also don’t know how to eat in public in a formal setting or communicate with people with disabilities. These pretty idiots need to be told exactly what to do and say to best represent the Buffalo Bills.

Though things are hairy in the Buffalo Bills camp with a class action suit claiming the team violated New York’s minimum wage laws and cheated cheerleaders out of pay, parents of dumb daughters can learn a thing or two to train up a young girl in the way she should go.

Take a page from the Buffalo Jills handbook when parenting your young lady:

  1. Don’t be overly opinionated about anything.
  2. Do not complain about anything.
  3. Say “Oh my goodness” instead of “Oh my God.”
  4. Do not consume a conversation.
  5. Watch your body language and never flirt.
  6. Say “excuse me” with any bodily function, even if no one is around.
  7. Don’t talk about politics.
  8. Don’t talk about religion.
  9. Don’t make sexual references.
  10. Don’t use the wrong tampons at any time, DUMMY.

(Image: bikeriderlondon/Shutterstock)