Sorry Alicia Silverstone, Bed-Sharing Isn’t Always ‘Kind’ – It Can Be Truly Terrifying

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I’m back on Alicia Silverstone because her parenting manual, The Kind Mama, is chock full of so much advice – it is truly the gift that keeps on giving. It also reeks of so much “this is the best way to do this” that it makes me gag.

This is what her advice reminds me of: You know when you are walking down the street, and a stranger approaches you with a clipboard and says something like, “Do you have ONE minute for needy children?” How can you say “no” to that without feeling like an asshole? Even though you are busy and you don’t want to be accosted by a stranger in the street, you end up talking to this person because this person has posited his point in such a way that you feel like an asshole if you don’t. This is the way Alicia Silverstone’s parenting advice makes me feel in a nutshell. It’s so full of judgment, but disguised with a bunch of words like “kindness” and “soulful” and “yummy.”

Of bed-sharing, she says, “Sharing a bed with baby means you can tune in better to her needs, which in turn builds security and trust.” If you aren’t right next to him in bed, he may cry for a few minutes *gasp* and be prevented from “learning how kind and giving the world is.” Seriously?

After I gave birth to my first child, the hospital pediatrician came around to do the usual well-visit. When she was done, she leaned down, looked me in the eyes and let me know if we slept in the same bed I would surely roll over onto him and smother him to death. Just don’t do it.  Awful things that I won’t even mention could happen. More awful than smothering him to death in his sleep? Okay. I won’t do it.

And I didn’t either – for the first four months, that is. She freaked me out enough that I simply didn’t trust putting his little body next to mine in bed. I would sit up for every feeding – usually spaced an hour and a half apart – totally exhausted. But when he was four months old, something happened that shifted my paranoia. We moved into a brownstone in Brooklyn in the middle of winter that had no heat. Well, there was heat – but it was negligible. It was freezing in that house. My fears of rolling over and smothering him in his sleep were suddenly trumped by my fears of him freezing to death in his crib. He began sharing our bed.

We were already co-sleeping; we had a one bedroom apartment. His crib was right next to the side of my bed. Frankly, that situation was ideal; he was right there when he needed something, and I was able to sleep without the fear of smothering my child. When circumstances forced him into our bed – I simply stopped sleeping soundly. Every time I woke up, my heart would race in a panic; Where’s the baby? Where’s the baby? AM I LAYING ON TOP OF HIM? IS HE ALIVE? This was not a relaxing way to live.

The thing is, I don’t believe that sharing a bed is dangerous if you do it right. But I simply could never get comfortable with it. My second child is now almost 11 months old and she’s fallen asleep next to me in bed only a handful of times. We co-sleep but don’t bed-share with her. She sleeps better than my first child ever did.

So Silverstone thinks bed-sharing is the best thing you can do for your baby. I don’t believe it when anyone claims that there is a one-size-fits-all way of doing anything – and you should be wary of it, too. The majority of the parenting decisions we make are instinctual and circumstantial. You shouldn’t try to share your bed with your child because Alicia Silverstone says it’s “kind.” You should do it because it’s truly what you want and are comfortable with.

(photo: Getty Images)

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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    • Kendra

      I agree that it certainly isn’t one size fits all, and I also agree that you if you aren’t comfortable with it, you definitely shouldn’t do it. With that said, bed sharing was my savior and is the only reason I got any sleep at night at all when she was little. I got SO MUCH side eye & snark for this that it is ridiculous.

    • CMJ

      I am very much a whatever works for you and your family person. (except – vaccinate your children)

      But I FUCKING SIDE EYE/JUDGE/SCOFF the hell out of Alicia Silverstone. She’s the worst.

      http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Worst.gif

      • SunnyD847

        I just don’t understand why these “celebrities” keep being given these stages to pontificate their personal beliefs. She had a kid. That makes her an expert in raising THAT kid, not an expert in child rearing. Why do people listen to them?

      • Lee

        The whole mastication thing squeeks me out so much that I can’t take anything she says seriously.

      • Megan Zander

        Quick, don’t think just answer- who do you dislike more , Jenny McCarthy or Alicia Silverstone?

      • CMJ

        Equal rage.

      • Megan Zander

        I feel like I was just Yoda- ed by that response.

      • Jessifer

        Jenny gets an extra point in her favor for not naming her kid “Bear Blu”.

      • CMJ

        but loses points for that “we would rather our kid have measles than autism” comment.

        it’s a vicious cycle. They are equally horrific.

      • Sarah

        Yeah, all anti-vaxxers are horrible but outright saying a vaccine caused your child’s autism is like, WOW next level horrible.

      • Rachel Sea

        Especially when your kid doesn’t have autism.

      • whiteroses

        Yes. I find it hilarious that these people (who apparently wouldn’t love their children if they were less than perfect) have a hard time understanding why I still vaccinate. It’s because I love him. And if he woke up tomorrow morning with severe autism, I wouldn’t love him any less.

      • Lee

        But Jenny helped spark a movement that could possibly kill tons of children.

      • CMJ

        And then Alicia perpetuates it by saying she doesn’t vaccinate because her kid eats a “kind” diet.

        OMG, they are really equally horrible.

      • Rachel Sea

        Is that a modern Zen koan? If a tree falls in the forest, who would I rather it crush?

      • Sarah

        Hopefully they would just be standing next to each other, trees are big.

      • whiteroses

        You can come sit by me :)

      • K.

        I totally agree–and for that reason, had Alicia Silverstone written a memoir or a collection of essays about her experiences parenting, rather than a guide on how to parent, I’d be fine with it.

    • Lee

      I did bed sharing but it wasn’t so my baby knew how kind the world was. I did it because I am lazy and I like to sleep. All I had to do was pop him on the boob when he woke up hungry at night and I didn’t have to be awake listening to him cry. He got the boot from the bed as soon as he quit nursing.

      • CMJ

        We should write a book about the “kind baby” and all the ways we can make it easier for our kids/babies to not be jerks….I wonder if it would sell….

      • Lee

        Yes! “Kind Baby- Parenting Mommyish Style™, Teaching children not to be assholes worldwide”

        I would add walk away from tantrums. If you feed into it, your toddler will be an even bigger asshole.

      • Andrea

        That’s a book I would read AND endorse.

      • whiteroses

        And vaccinate your kids.

      • CMJ

        That would be my parenting book – VACCINATE YOUR KIDS: after that, do whatever works for you and your family.

        PS. Don’t put those stick figure family stickers on your car.

        By: CMJ. Foreword by MomJones.

      • whiteroses

        With endorsements by whiteroses!

      • Valerie

        I was behind a minivan today that had like, 7 kids and 4 pets on their family stick figure dossier.

      • whiteroses

        Why do people do that? Because realistically, what you’ve just done is tell complete strangers exactly how many people/pets are in your family, their genders, and sometimes their hobbies.

        Maybe it’s me, but that seems like a security issue.

      • Valerie

        Yeah. That and it’s really strange.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        I’ve seen people posting their names too.

        Stranger: “Hey Megan, I’m a friend of your mom, Jennifer. She told me to pick you up today.”

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        There’s a guy on my street who has a sticker on his van of two women. One is a standard stick-lady with the caption “your wife” and the other is a sexy anime-style lady with the caption “my wife”. It makes me lol every time I see it.

      • Ms. Anne

        I was behind one with two adults on each side and 4 kids in the middle. I couldn’t figure out if they were multigenerational or proud polyamorists.

      • Valerie

        Lol. That’s quite a statement to make on a minivan.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        OOOH, I’m gonna buy a BMW 7 series, and get one for me, and two chicks on each side of me.

        #truefakepimp

      • Valerie

        Big pimpin. I would expect nothing less from a baller like yourself.

        ETA- baller auto corrected to ballerina, I should have left it.

      • Megan Zander

        I am guilty of the family car stickers. Ours are even disney themed. I know it’s cheesy but I love them.

      • Williwaw

        I like the zombie stick figure families.

      • Lee

        I had flip flops stickers for my family on my old car. *Hangs head in shame*

      • K.

        Oh God, the stick figures.

        This is going to sound **terrible** and I apologize in advance if I offend sensitivities, but honestly…if I could, I would totally buy a couple in the act of like, fisting or something. Because seriously. The stick figures suck.

      • Jallun-Keatres

        This is us.

      • noelle 02

        Yeah, I’m with you. Kindness wasn’t my motivation-eight hours of sleep was.

    • Lee

      Cher Horowitz would be appalled by this book.

    • Ro

      Yeah I bed shared with my son because he would only sleep if my boob was in his mouth for the first 5 months (sheer hell) and it was the only way I could get any sleep at all. I wasn’t worried about it because I did it in a safe manner, but I can not sleep well with a baby in my bed because I don’t want to move in case it wakes them up. I am a tosser turner by nature and if I am not free to do this, I will not get a good nights sleep.

    • Ursi

      so this may sound like an insane question but bear with me because I’m not a parent.

      Is there nothing available that a child could sleep in that could be placed on the bed next to parents so that they could sleep close to the baby but still have some kind of barrier to prevent anyone from rolling anywhere or on top of anyone? Has nothing like this been invented?

      • CMJ

        They do have them! I don’t know what they’re called though…

      • Lee

        They are called Co-sleepers. :)

      • Rachel Sea

        Co-sleepers are usually a side of the bed thing. They make sleep positioners that are meant to be used on the bed, between the parents, but all the ones I’ve seen have been recalled because they’re a suffocation hazard.

      • Maria Guido

        There is – but if you can believe it they are very dangerous. Some of them were recalled because of suffocation risk.

      • Kendra

        They have those, but I think a huge reason a lot of people end up bed sharing is because you can nurse in the side-lying position throughout the night so easily, and it’s just very convenient.

      • noelle 02

        I could still nurse lying down with my co-sleeper, for the record.

      • Megan Zander

        Yeah, co sleepers. We had one for emergency nights when one baby just refused to sleep in thier crib. Thing made me so scared, it’s not much more protection then being on the bed, the blankets still covered it easily if we weren’t super careful.

    • raeronola

      I seriously want to punch her in the face. I hate how she’s co-opted the word “kind”, when what she clearly wants to say is “vastly superior.”

      I bedshared a little in the beginning because I was lazy and because it worked. Still do it on vacations. I don’t need to write a book about it.

      • Megan Zander

        I like you, you’re feisty.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Also hawt!

      • Megan Zander

        You are going to scare her away! Give her a minutes to get settle, geesh. Also, I’m totally telling Val and Kay Sue that you’re trying to cyber cheat. #busted.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Well, Kay’s rejected me so many times now :(

        Val’s like my younger older sister… I dunno how it happened, but she scolds me more than my real sisters.

      • Valerie

        So I AM younger than you. Ha! I knew it!

      • Megan Zander

        In my head he’s about 22.

      • Obladi Oblada

        My bet is he’s in his 50s at least, single and living in a basement.

      • Megan Zander

        I’m STILL not convinced it isn’t Bethany pulling an epic prank on all of us.

      • Obladi Oblada

        That had never crossed my mind but now that you mention it…

      • Valerie

        That would be amazing. And kind of Sybil-like.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        :( That makes me sad

      • Obladi Oblada

        THAT makes you sad? Puh-lease.

      • Valerie

        I thought that at first but he’s proven he has a mature side and he knows too much about the 90′s to have not lived thru it. My guess is 35. And a half.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        I swear I only use my mature side on serious topics and in real life.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Mine too!

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Val, you’re 31 and you know I’m in my 30′s

        Odds are I’m older ;P

      • Valerie

        32, pal. ;-)

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Oh your birthday passed?

        Happy Belated Birthday!

      • Valerie

        Lol. In December. :-)

      • Megan Zander

        December baby? I knew there was a reason I liked you.

      • Valerie

        Are you too??

      • Megan Zander

        12/12 whatwhat!

      • Valerie

        Holy crap, 12/13!!!!! And my maiden name started with a Z. :-)

      • Valerie

        And I believe Beth is 31. So you got your two fave lesbians confused.

      • Valerie

        I told you my last name. So how close was my guess?? I’m usually pretty spot on with that shit.

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Your last name? I never saw that… LOL

        And you are spot on ;)

      • Valerie

        Yessss. Being right is deeply important to me.

        Puffalumps!

      • Valerie

        And dude, shape up and I won’t have to scoldddd!

      • raeronola

        HAHAH

        I’ve been posting under the radar for a while but I finally bit the bullet and joined disqus and I just realized this is going to be my new reddit.

      • Megan Zander

        Oh good, someone who speaks Reddit. I haunt that site but have no idea how the posting/commenting works.

      • Valerie

        You know I don’t get it either. It’s part of our mystique.

      • patricia666

        My Uncle Zachary
        recently got a 9 month old Mercedes-Benz CL-Class CL63 AMG only from working
        off a home pc… go now C­a­s­h­D­u­t­i­e­s­.­ℂ­o­m

      • raeronola

        It’s all about imaginary internet points. They have a great parenting community but the snark is dialed back to like, %15 and I just have too much sass

      • barefootwithoutagun

        ‘The Vastly Superior Mama’… YES! It all makes sense now! ;)

    • Jessifer

      What’s annoying about using the word “kind” in this context is the unspoken implication that if you do things differently, it’s somehow “unkind”. If people like Alicia want to talk about their parenting techniques, why can’t they just say “Hey, this is what it did and it worked for us”, instead of trying to portray themselves as being morally superior?

    • Ashley Austrew

      My daughter never slept if we tried to bed share. She’s always just really liked her own space. She slept in a rock n play beside me for 4 months, then moved to a crib. Now she’s 2.5 and still doesn’t want anyone or anything near her when she sleeps. lol I’m pregnant with #2, so we’ll see what he’s into. I’ve always been a big believer in tailoring your parenting style to fit the kid. They’re all so different.

      • Brittany Anne

        Yeah, I never thought I would bed share, but wound up doing so for the first two months because it was the only way I got sleep. My son is almost one, and we still bed share on occasion (usually when he’s teething and so sleeping poorly) because he’s such a clingy baby. I have eaten my words many times since he was born.

      • WriterLady

        Our family has a sort of unusual story involving co-sleeping. For the first 2.5 years of my son’s life, he slept in his crib (well, excluding the very first month, in which my husband and I morphed into zombies, switching places on the recliner while basically holding him through the night…and never getting an ounce of sleep, which is probably fairly common). But something happened at 2.5. We went on a rather simple one-week vacation to Hilton Head with my parents and brother (and sister-in-law). Although we brought along the Pack n’ Play for our son to sleep in, he had almost outgrown the thing by that point, and he adamantly refused to sleep in it. So, he shared the bed with us. Fast forward nearly 2 years and the child is still sleeping with us. When I say “us,” I mean either my husband or myself, because my son is in the 90th percentile for height, and he likes to lay across the damn bed, taking up considerably more space than his 6’2” tall father. I usually end up on the couch, since it’s really comfy, but…this is becoming a serious problem. At what point do we insist that our preschooler sleep in his own bed? Everyone tells me, “Don’t worry. He won’t be sleeping with you guys at the age of 8.” Probably not. But at the rate this kid is growing, he will be evicted before the age of 6. Maybe I’m just too much of a pushover. :)

    • K.

      This is like the trifecta of things that I am sick of:

      1. Celebrities (HAS-BEEN celebrities, nonetheless) claiming authority on things they have no idea about.
      2. Perpetuating the idea that you dictate a child’s entire future in the way you handle their oh-so-fragile psyches in the first few years. Newsflash: children are people too. They have the ability to take an active role in establishing their futures.
      3. Parenting books that appear to be written for 11-year-old girls.
      4. Complete and utter wealth-blindness.

      Alicia Silverstone has been a mother of one child for less than 3 years. Please.

      As always, you want marriage or parenting advice? Talk to your grandparents. They’ve been there, done it, they’re wearing the t-shirts.

      • whiteroses

        SO much this. I asked my grandfather what the secret to a lasting marriage was. He said, “You young people like to complicate things. It’s simple. Don’t leave, don’t do anything stupid, and don’t die. Plus you have to marry someone you still want to look at when they don’t have teeth anymore, and they still have to want to look at you. Lucky for me, your grandmother is still the prettiest girl in town.”

      • Andrea

        Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff*
        Who’s chopping onions around here???

      • whiteroses

        They were married for nearly sixty years and he could still tell you exactly how her hair looked the first time he ever saw her (for the record- curled with victory rolls. She wore a red and white checked dress made out of a flour sack, brown leather brogans, white ankle socks and her younger sister’s watch. Also red lipstick). That’s love right there.

        Set the bar pretty high for my husband, I can tell you.

      • http://lawleramericanadventure.wordpress.com/ Nicole

        I’m not sure who I have the hots for more; your grandpa or your grandma.

      • Valerie

        That is amazing.

      • Jallun-Keatres

        I read that in my Boompie’s voice wut <3

      • K.

        That’s so cute!!

        My grandparents really loved each-other, but they were not the demonstrative types, so I don’t have any cute stories from my own life. Therefore, I stockpile others’, so thank you for that!

      • whiteroses

        There’s nothing more reassuringly gross than watching your grandparents make out.
        My grandfather was one of the best people on the planet. He helped raise me- he was really another father. My junior year of college was incredibly dark, and I went to live with them for a while that summer. He didn’t say much- but one day I went to work with him outside, and he finally said, “Honeybelle [that's what he called me], I want you to know that there’s nobody on earth who could love you more than your grandmother and me. But you can’t live your life afraid of your own shadow. Time to step out into the light.”
        Is it any wonder why my son’s middle name is my grandfather’s first? :)

      • K.

        Your grandfather sounds like a wonderfully wise man. And a beautiful namesake for your son.

      • MellyG

        My grandparents have been married 60 years. Grandpa’s advice for a long lasting marriage? “She’s always right……..she’s always right” lol

      • Alicia Kiner

        I should have read the comments before posting. We said almost the exact same things!!

      • K.

        Clearly, great minds think alike :)

      • Alicia Kiner

        Indeed ;-)

      • val97

        My grandmother once told me that she built a cage around my uncle’s crib because he kept climbing out of it. When I asked her how old he was at the time, she said 4! That explains some things about my relatives. But, yes, in theory you are correct.

    • Ptownsteveschick

      We co slept, basically against our will (my daughter was one of those babies who only slept in the swing or while held) for 10 months. Then I was slowly going insane from lack of sleep due to multiple kicks to the face and two split lips. I sleep trained her to the crib and never looked back. We only found her under her dad’s pillow once, when she was about 7 months old. That was terrifying.

    • Megan Zander

      Dumb question, but I feel this is a safe space :) : when is it ” ok” to let them sleep with you? Is there an age when drs aren’t worried about suffocation anymore?

      • Rachel Sea

        One is when they are basically safe from accidental suffocation in their sleep.

      • K.

        There are ways to improve the safety of co-sleeping (for example, having separate covers for you, your partner, and baby), and the jury’s still out on what the appropriate age would be, but the one I hear–anecdotally–is 1 year.

        Most co-sleepers I know start at birth, though.

      • noelle 02

        I was told the risk was minimal past nine months.

    • Rachel Sea

      Aside from the fact that I will not sleep, I would never put a baby to sleep in my bed because it’s a suffocation deathtrap. We have a thick pillow top, two comforters, and five pillows, and that’s the only way my wife and I and our bad backs sleep well.

      I’m a huge proponent of room sharing, but bed sharing? Nuh uh, not unless my body decides that I can sleep comfortably without panic-waking on a firm futon with a thin blanket.

    • Snarktopus

      If we tried to bed-share, none of us would sleep. Baby girl refuses to sleep in our bed and would keep both me and my husband up by constantly telling us very important information, like the cat walked into the room. It’s fine if it works for you, but our kid WANTS her own sleeping space.

    • Sarah

      I love snuggling in bed with my toddler but bedsharing would never work for us…I like to sleep with lots of pillows and blankets. Plus, most of my friends who bedshare say they usually end up having sex on the couch. I like random couch sex every now and then but for the most part, I’m a lazy morning sex person so it looks like bedsharing just isn’t in the cards for me. I also love having a space for just us – it already feels like the baby has taken over our lives/house so having our bedroom to ourselves feels REBELLIOUS. We did room share until 6 months, though.

      Also, Alicia Silverstone is a shit stain.

    • whiteroses

      Maybe I’m just a cynical asshole, but the world, in my experience, is anything but kind and giving. My son knows he can rely on his family, and that we will always love him. But the last thing I want to teach him is that he can rely on EVERYONE, because it’s just not true.

      • Rachel Sea

        I think in her case, “the world” equals all the people who are paid to be nice to her.

      • Mystik Spiral

        Haha, I just basically posted the same thing. Great minds!

      • K.

        I think you and I are on the same page–I want my child to know he’s loved unconditionally, that he always has a place to call home, that there are people who think the world of him and always will, but it’s not my job to pretend that the world is a “kind” place, without unpleasant realities. It’s in fact my job to help him figure out how to deal with life’s difficulties–and him learning how to confront them is his character to build.

      • whiteroses

        I’d rather he learn about the harsh realities of life (and they are manifold) in a safe environment. That way, when he has to deal with them on his own, he’ll have some coping skills.

      • K.

        To be clear, I wasn’t suggesting that I provide an unpleasant environment as a parent, but I also don’t have much tolerance for parents who think that a child experiencing disappointment or frustration is some great travesty.

      • whiteroses

        Oh, I agree completely. I’m right there with you.

    • Mystik Spiral

      Someone needs to tell her that the world ISN’T always kind. There won’t always be someone there to co-sleep with her son, to chew his food for him and to hold him over the toilet when he needs to make a tinkle.

      • Sarah

        lolol chew his food for him

      • Mystik Spiral
      • Sarah

        Oh, I know! I just love this story, what color is the sky in her world?

      • Mystik Spiral

        Haha, I know, right? She cray-cray.

      • Rachel Sea

        The color of lovingly pre-masticated blueberries.

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        Crayola needs to make a crayon with that name colour.

      • darras

        I would totally paint my room ‘premasticated blueberry’. It has a certain classy ring to it!

    • Alicia Kiner

      Does having one child, who is almost 3 really make you an expert? I mean, there are so many stages of childhood and parenting she hasn’t encountered yet. Hell, my oldest is 9, and there are so many stages I haven’t encountered yet. I wouldn’t DARE claim to be an expert. Also, she only has the experience of one child, one temperament, one parenting method. Even neurologists have to take basic anatomy classes before they go focus-specific. I’m not saying she’s a bad parent, because I frankly have no idea. It just seems quite presumptions for her to consider herself an expert based on this stage of the game.

      As far as bedsharing… I never felt comfortable with the whole idea of having newborns in bed with us. Both my husband and I roll a lot in our sleep. It just seemed like a really bad idea. But, when the kids are sick, or hurt, they will sleep in bed with me, and if my husband is home, he’ll sleep on the couch. Neither of them share very well. It’s amazing how a little kid can manage to take up an entire queen sized bed.

      • whiteroses

        I feel like once you’ve seen at least two of your grandkids successfully make it through high school, then you can write a childcare book. Otherwise, shut your trap.

        I am a childcare expert- on my particular child. I can give people information based on what works for my son, based on what worked for me, and what works for my family. But I wouldn’t try to give advice to the mother of a teenage girl, because that’s not in my wheelhouse. I can tell someone my toddler-tantrum stopping technique, but I have no idea how to teach a kid to drive.

      • Alicia Kiner

        Agreed. I’m all for advice on ways to help my kids. Especially from their teachers. I completely understand that my kids are different people in the classroom than at home. And if my friends ask for advice, I’ll share what worked for my kids in similar situations. But I’m not out there saying this is what EVERYONE should do for EVERY child ALL the time. Except, well, kids should be in car seats/seat belts, and should be vaccinated. Other than that, I care not, unless they’re hurting my kids.

      • JAN

        Agreed. My mother said never to accept as fact parenting advice from people with unfinished “product.” Essentially of their children were now normal, well adjusted adults, THEN you can start listening to their advice…but to remember what worked with their child(ren) may not work with yours.

    • Andrea

      “If you aren’t right next to him in bed, he may cry for a few minutes
      *gasp* and be prevented from “learning how kind and giving the world
      is.”

      See I wanna teach my kid that the world is out out to get them and no one gives a fuck about their well being. I figure it’s a more accurate statement when you are not a rich actress.

      ETA: I AM just kidding don’t slam me!

      • Alicia Kiner

        No but really, the world kind of is out to get them, and no one really does give a fuck. People in general are assholes. Individuals are cool, great in fact. But let’s face it, kids have to learn that just because we, their parents and families love them and have their backs, doesn’t mean the rest of the world gives a crap.

      • Andrea

        See I sorta agree with this…it’s the kind of lesson my father taught me (in a nice way he wasn’t an abusive asshole). And honestly it has served me rather well.
        My husband on the other hand, hates this. He wants to believe that people WILL be nice and gets hurt and disappointed when, more often than not, they aren’t.
        The truth is 99.99999999% of the world does not give a fuck about you. If you are lucky, you get a loving family and some great friends that DO care and love you. And that’s awesome. But as a general rule, no, most people do not give a fuck.

      • itpainsme2say

        ^ the best lesson

    • Allyson_et_al

      I was an accidental co-sleeper with both kids. They would start out in the bassinet next to the bed, but I would inevitably fall asleep while nursing them during the night, so they would just fall asleep in our bed when they were done. I’m not particularly kind, though– just lazy.

      • raeronola

        Yup this was me. He always started out in the Arm’s Reach but woke up in the bed. Once I figured out side lying nursing it was game over.

      • JAN

        That is exactly where I am with my four month old. He starts out in the co-sleeper but once he wakes up one time to nurse, it’s over thanks to side lying nursing.

    • Jallun-Keatres

      lol we’ve been bed sharing since day… 5? It’s only 5 and not 1 because we held her 24/7 before that! I grew a child that wouldn’t sleep on her back AND not being held and with my back injury it was pretty much necessary since it took 5 minutes to push through the pain it took to sit up. There was no way I could pick her up out of her PNP. I like it now but the beauty of this stuff is once it becomes a hindrance she’s got a PNP waiting for her. No sleeping arrangement is forever!

    • Hyperbolme

      All of these choices parents make should never be one-size-fits-all. I’m a co-sleeping mom, but don’t care a bit if you want to opt out for your family. I hate sanctimony and judgement. But more than the pushy Alicia Silverstone, I’m pretty ticked with the doctor. What a loon! Creating anxiety in a new parent is not helpful. Also, most cases of overlying have had to do with parents who were impaired with alcohol or drugs.

      • whiteroses

        The only thing I truly, genuinely judge other parents on is if they’re anti-vaxxers. Everything else? As long as you’re not hurting my personal kid, I don’t care. Do you.

      • Hyperbolme

        Anti-vaxxers are potentially hurting our kids. I should have said BENIGN choices.

      • whiteroses

        I agree completely.

      • Jallun-Keatres

        Yeah we share a bed with our 4 month old and we definitely have not rolled onto her. And we both toss and turn all night (though I was incapacitated by my back and couldn’t even sleep laying down for a while there so not much rolling). She sleeps up by our faces or us cuddling her like a doll.

        I mean, people can reprogram how they sleep, ya know?

    • Katherine Handcock

      Hear hear! There are almost no one-size-fits-all parenting techniques, and most of those that are have to do with basics of health. My daughter did NOT want to be in the bed with me; she almost never slept next to me, even when we tried to nap that way. (Oddly, she did love to sleep in my arms, and she adored a heartbeat sound generator…) It was far kinder to respect that she clearly had a preference than it would have been to force bed-sharing.

      And if Mom and Dad can’t stand bed-sharing — if it would affect either or both of them negatively — it is far kinder for everyone to have their own sleeping spaces than it is for Mom, Dad, or both of them to be tired, cranky, and snarling at each other.

    • LadyofBlerg

      Meh. If she thinks her way is best, good for her. I think people who take it personally are not very secure in their own parenting choices. Those same people will take issue with what I am saying too. They make my eyes roll for days.

      OMG, I’m so shocked that she thinks the way she does things is the best way. News Flash: Everyone parents the way they think is best. Unless you’re the type who says “yeah, I know I’m doing it wrong, but fuck it.”

      Get off your high horses. All the women in here who are calling her a bitch are just as bitchy and just aren’t famous enough for anyone to care.

      • CMJ

        Everyone parents the way they think is best but not everyone feels the need to preach to everyone that their way is the “kind” way.

        ETA: I definitely take not vaccinating children personally.

      • Lee

        I have been wonder about this for a few days. What do these staunchly anti-vaxers think will happen if the world follows their lead and stops vaxing. They must know that all these disease will make a rampant comeback or are their heads stuck so far up their asses that they think everything will be just hunky dory and the diseases will crawl back into the holes they came from. I mean, some part of them has to know how terrible it is to advocate that everyone stops vaxing because their kids would be really screwed. If they were smart, they would keep their idiotic opinions to themselves.

      • CMJ

        If that thread last week is any indication, they are legit insane.

      • whiteroses

        Damn straight. If those people are the voice of the anti-vaxx movement, I’m surprised it’s gained as much steam as it has.

      • Véronique Houde

        They literally think that because they breastfed, the feed their kids healthy food and have “good hygiene”, that these diseases will never spread to epidemic levels again and won’t kill anyone who takes care of their children the way that they do. ;)

      • K.

        Here are the anti-vax arguments that I’ve cobbled together add up to:

        Something called Sauron–wait, sorry, wrong universe–Big Pharma that encompasses all the scientists in the entire world has made a worldwide coordinated conspiracy to hurt children so they can make money. And the anti-vax people know this because they are intelligent and have done research, even though none of them are scientists with any credentials in pediatric immunology. Since it’s a worldwide conspiracy of all scientists, everywhere, though, it’s actually an asset that they’re NOT in the field because that means they have the benefit of critical thinking and objectivity and are not blind sheeple like the rest of us.

        I mean, there’s other stuff that goes into it, like herd immunity is a hoax and measles was going away on its own and stuff like that, but you get the gist.

        Yeah, so there are some conceptual issues with this group.

      • whiteroses

        That’s a pretty decent summary. But you forgot: we are far smarter than you could ever be, why do you set your profile to private, you are a paid troll, these diseases are totally no big deal!!!

        Sorry, do I sound bitter?

      • K.

        Wait…in the past threads that have gone all haywire, the anti-vax crowd is accusing US of trolling THEM?

        Am I understanding that correctly?

        Wait, and I can get paid to be a troll? Dude, how do I get in on that??

      • whiteroses

        Oh, yeah. I got accused of trolling at least four times.

        They’re all a few drawers short of a filing cabinet, imho. I’m fine with having a legit conversation, but when someone starts talking about how they want their kid to catch mumps or how dental fillings are poisoning our children, the only thing I can think is “what fresh fuckery is this?”

      • Andrea

        Well yeah, it IS the best way. For THEM.
        What I’m doing with my kid is the best way FOR HIM. For you, your way is the best way for YOUR child(ren).
        That’s the thing about parenting: not one thing works for everyone. Kids are all different.
        (I know, I am so profound lol, I should write a book!)

      • Sara610

        Right, and that’s exactly why most of us don’t write parenting guides telling other parents how they should raise their kids.

        I have read some parenting/baby care/baby sleep books, but they were all written by doctors, child-care professionals, or people with some other type of credential. Not movie stars who have popped out one kid and decided after a year or two that they’re experts and qualified to tell the rest of the world how they should parent their children.

      • KarenMS

        Agreed. People shouldn’t ever say anything about anything anyone has said in a public forum unless they agree with it. If they disagree, they should just keep their mouths shut.

      • K.

        I didn’t read through all the comments, but I didn’t see someone call her a bitch. Clueless, weird, out-of-touch, elitist, dumb, inexperienced, sure, but I didn’t see “bitch.”

        I don’t think anyone has a problem with someone making their own parenting choices–but that’s not how Silverstone is framing her book. She’s saying that her parenting style is superior to everyone else’s, or that it should be the model for everyone else. It’d be one thing if she wrote a memoir or something like that, but she didn’t. She wrote a guide. And I think when you position yourself as an authority, you’d better have bigger chops than Alicia Silverstone.

      • whiteroses

        Or at least:
        1) have more than one kid and
        2) at least one of those kids should be able to tie their own shoes, read, ride a bike, and possibly earn an allowance.

      • CrazyFor Kate

        Heh. Clueless.

    • ChickenKira

      Can someone get Alicia a thesaurus please?

    • ChickenKira

      As someone who has chronic shoulder problems as a result of being rolled on as a baby while bed-sharing (three cheers for not being dead, I’ll take the shoulder issues over the alternative) I always want to smack my head against the table whenever I read about how amazing in all cases bed sharing is.
      I know this is something I can’t talk about because it upsets people, and they get grumpy and tell me about how they know 1000 children who bed shared and it never happened to those kids therefore I am making it up, but, you know, it happens, I’m someone it happened to, so no, it is not amazing for everyone. In lots of cases it’s a pretty bad idea actually.

      • Lee

        I never tell people in real life that I bed share because people always know someone who’s child died from bed sharing. It is way too controversial.

      • noelle 02

        I found a co-sleeper that went in the middle of my bed and gave the babies their own space and firm mattress as my midwife recommended just because of situations like yours. I don’t recommend co-sleeping because its safety is dependent on so many factors and I would never know if the parents would follow the safety guidelines or if my recommendation could lead to a dead baby. You make an excellent point!

    • Joye77

      I rarely tell anyone that I cosleep with my 14 month old, and I definitely don’t tell the Dr. I know I shouldn’t. But as a wee babe e would not sleep in the bassinet and I was friggin’ exhausted, I put him next to me and he slept wonderfully. Then I kept doing it and I love to snuggle with him. I really enjoy it. My husband, not so much. No lectures please, I could give one to myself.

      • darras

        Whatever works for you Joye, so long as baby is happy then you are not doing it ‘wrong’. Nobody sane would lecture you for doing something that makes you and baby feel happy!

    • Kristen

      I think she is an idiot.

    • C.J.

      I could never co sleep. My nephew that was born the same day as my daughter died when he was 2 days old sleeping with my sister and her husband. He was not suffocated, we will never know why he died, autopsy didn’t show what killed him. I was way to paranoid to co sleep after that. Babies slept in a bassinet next to the bed until they were too big then went in their own room in a crib. They still think there is kindness in the world.

      • AP

        If he was not suffocated, chances are very good that the cosleeping is not what killed him.

      • C.J.

        No it wasn’t, rationally I knew that but there was just no way I could bring myself to let them sleep with me until they were a little bigger. I know that isn’t what killed him and I don’t judge others for co sleeping. Coming home from the hospital after having a baby and having to attend a baby funeral in the same day makes you a bit paranoid.

      • Emil

        Losing a nephew is hard enough but after just having a baby yourself, wow. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you, for many reasons.

      • C.J.

        It was a very difficult time for my family. We were all a little paranoid about my daughter for a while. Thankfully it didn’t have long term negative effects on how I parent. It did change how I did certain things, like waiting to baptise her because it would have been too hard on my sister to do it right away. Celebrating my daughters milestones and always knowing there should be another child there right next to her doing the same things has been difficult but the worst thing is that my sister is lost to me. I will always be here waiting for her. The day my family lost my nephew is the day we lost my sister, we just didn’t know it for a couple years.

    • Jezebeelzebub

      fuck bed-sharing. i don’t even want to share space with a sexual partner post coitus- they need to get the hell out of my bed, my room, and my house. just… OUT.

      i let my daughter have her own room in my house, i’m supposed to share my sleeping area- my favorite spot in the world- with her too? i shared my body for 9 months- she’s done. no more sharing. she can kiss my ass.

      so can silverstone.

    • arrow2010

      Will she STFU already? Nobody cares about her “parenting skills”. It’s common sense to not share a bed with an infant because the larger adult can smother the infant to death. But apparently common sense doesn’t exist with Hollyweird liberals.

    • The Kez

      Fuck bed sharing. My 8 month old slept in my bed last night because we are on holidays and it is freaking freezing. After taking several hours to get to sleep, I was awoken this morning when my daughter rolled over and BIT MY FACE. With tiny baby razor teeth. Then she punched me. Tonight she is sleeping in the damn portacot. Or a drawer. Anywhere as long as it is away from me.

      • Edify

        I recommend the cupboard under the stairs

    • Sara610

      You know what I love about my group of friends? We all have vastly different parenting styles, from a full-on, extended-breastfeeding-and-cosleeping-until-toddlerhood attachment mama to a mainstream, get-that-kid-in-her-own-crib, didn’t-breastfeed-for-one-day mama, although most of us lie somewhere in between. (To the best of my knowledge, though, we all vaccinate.)

      And we’re able to get together and talk about parenting without anyone insisting that their way is “the kind way” (which, of course, implies that anything else is “unkind”), or that anyone else is damaging her child by parenting differently, or generally being a self-righteous ass.

      If Alicia Silverstone got dropped in the middle of my circle of friends and started spouting her “parenting advice”, she’d be shown the door and never invited back. I can’t imagine she has a whole lot of friends in real life–based on her books and TV appearances, she seems like she’d be completely insufferable to be around.

    • Sara610

      So according to Alicia, we shouldn’t buy diapers because they’re a “multibillion-dollar, corporate-backed” industry.

      You know what else is a multibillion-dollar, corporate-backed industry? Movies. And book publishing. So if we’re not supporting anything that makes a shit-ton of money and is backed by corporations, I guess we should all stop watching Alicia’s movies and buying her books. Way to bite the hand that feeds you.

      Confession time: I actually have Alicia Silverstone’s “The Kind Diet” on my bookshelf. I bought it a few years ago while I was vegan, and it’s a good cookbook, even though it makes some overblown claims regarding the health benefits of eating the way she does. It’s not nearly as judgey and self-righteous as this new parenting book appears to be, though–and I didn’t know, when I bought it, that Alicia was an anti-vaxxer. Maybe she wasn’t yet–I don’t think she had kids when she released it.

    • Jem

      some babies sincerely don’t want to bed share. My son has always been so independent to the point that when we gave up bed sharing and put him in his crib at 6 weeks, he slept through the night. He only does if he is alone, in his own space. I hate that those who don’t bed share are “unkind” if that is truly what the baby wants. I’m not going to force him to bed share against his wishes.

    • shorty_RN

      I bed-share most nights, not because it’s “kind,” but because I’m lazy. Get up to go to his crib every time he wakes? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Also now that I’m back to work full time, I kind of like being next to him all night.

    • neighbor57

      You know what’s kinder than sharing your bed with your kid? Getting a good night’s sleep so you can be kind to that same kid the next day. I doubt I’d roll over and smother my babies, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t sleep and I’d definitely be unkind the next day!

    • Courtney Lynn

      “I don’t believe it when anyone claims that there is a one-size-fits-all way of doing anything – and you should be wary of it, too.”

      THIS! Well said, Maria. We should all be doing what reasonably works for our own families for the sake of the kids’ AND the parents well being. As well as for our own sanity.

    • Diana

      I personally can’t sleep if I’m sharing my bet with the cat let alone another human being but I wouldn’t go as far as ‘Terrifying.’ I reserve that adjective for when I’m sharing my bed with a Bear or Wolverine. Maybe a scorpion.

    • koolchicken

      When my son finally got out of the NICU I was in so much pain. I was also swelling pretty badly so my husband had me sleeping at almost a 90 degree angle (legs in the air, back mostly flat on the bed). In the few times I slipped I couldn’t move and fix myself. If I had somehow shifted onto my kid he could have died and I wouldn’t have been able to prevent it. So for me having him in co-sleeper attached to the bed, one on a slightly different level than my surface, was safest. At 7 months he and I became miserable sharing a room. Neither one of us likes noise, so me rustling the covers or him grunting bothered us. I put him in his crib down the hall, turned on the surveillance cameras and we’ve never been happier. I can see and hear he’s safe, and if he needs me he knows to look at and yell for me at the camera. And I think knowing we’re both getting a good nights sleep and we can access each other is the most “kind” way to do it.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      What I hate about this “kind parenting” is that is positions anything else as “unkind”. Screw you, lady.

    • Kim

      This book has even made the news in my country (NZ). Fortunately it’s been treated with well deserved disdain by main-stream media. http://www.essentialmums.co.nz/mums-life/celebrities/9984310/Celebrity-quack-mums-are-a-terrible-influence

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