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I wrote a story last week about social surrogacy – using a surrogate without any medical indication. I’m all for it. I think if you have the money to skip the pregnancy part and no desire to experience it – more power to you. I just think there is way too much emphasis put on how “hard” pregnancy is and not enough put on the mundane, every day things that pop up after your kids are born that are way harder than getting your “post baby body” back. (Assuming of course that you have no medical issues.)

So if you are thinking about a social surrogacy, good for you. I’d just like to remind you that roughly ten months from now you are still going to have all of the following shit to deal with.

1.  Negotiating a toddler off the playground and back to the car when you have an infant in your hands.

Effing toddlers do whatever they want, whenever they want, for however long they want. If you have two kids, never go to the park without a sling or stroller or something just in case you have to drag your toddler kicking and screaming back to the car.

2. Leaving the house without a speck of breast milk on you.

If you are breastfeeding – doesn’t happen.

3. Keeping a sick kid’s nose snot free for the duration of a trip to the supermarket.

It’s impossible to keep a kid getting over a cold snot-free for 10 minutes.

4. Getting a toddler to stay in his room without a baby gate.

There are people who can do this I’ve heard? I think they only exist in the imagination.

5. Getting a toddler to sleep through the night without removing every toy from his room.

Distractions abound in a toddler bedroom. Mine got up for about two hours every night and played until someone gave me the tip of packing up his toys and taking them out of the room at night. It was a commenter on this very site. I love you, whoever you are.

6. Finding a place in your tiny apartment where your kids won’t walk in on you or hear you having sex.

This is almost impossible when you live in a big city and share a bedroom with your infant.

7. Getting a full night’s sleep during the first six months of your kid’s life.

I’ve heard parents claim their newborns can sleep through the night. Good luck.

8. Getting a full night’s sleep during the first three years of your kid’s life.

See #5.

9. Letting your kid fall repeatedly while learning to walk.

It’s so hard not to be a jumpy mess when your child becomes mobile. This is easier with the second child.

10. Keeping your couch clean.

I recommend dark brown microfiber.

11. Keeping your car clean.

Hahahahaha..

12. Keeping any toy that has several parts functional.

Always buy age-appropriate toys – when it comes to many parts. I’ve destroyed/lost many a toy that my three-year-old would probably love now.