12 Things Much Harder Than Being Pregnant And Getting Your Body Back

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I wrote a story last week about social surrogacy – using a surrogate without any medical indication. I’m all for it. I think if you have the money to skip the pregnancy part and no desire to experience it – more power to you. I just think there is way too much emphasis put on how “hard” pregnancy is and not enough put on the mundane, every day things that pop up after your kids are born that are way harder than getting your “post baby body” back. (Assuming of course that you have no medical issues.)

So if you are thinking about a social surrogacy, good for you. I’d just like to remind you that roughly ten months from now you are still going to have all of the following shit to deal with.

1.  Negotiating a toddler off the playground and back to the car when you have an infant in your hands.

Effing toddlers do whatever they want, whenever they want, for however long they want. If you have two kids, never go to the park without a sling or stroller or something just in case you have to drag your toddler kicking and screaming back to the car.

2. Leaving the house without a speck of breast milk on you.

If you are breastfeeding – doesn’t happen.

3. Keeping a sick kid’s nose snot free for the duration of a trip to the supermarket.

It’s impossible to keep a kid getting over a cold snot-free for 10 minutes.

4. Getting a toddler to stay in his room without a baby gate.

There are people who can do this I’ve heard? I think they only exist in the imagination.

5. Getting a toddler to sleep through the night without removing every toy from his room.

Distractions abound in a toddler bedroom. Mine got up for about two hours every night and played until someone gave me the tip of packing up his toys and taking them out of the room at night. It was a commenter on this very site. I love you, whoever you are.

6. Finding a place in your tiny apartment where your kids won’t walk in on you or hear you having sex.

This is almost impossible when you live in a big city and share a bedroom with your infant.

7. Getting a full night’s sleep during the first six months of your kid’s life.

I’ve heard parents claim their newborns can sleep through the night. Good luck.

8. Getting a full night’s sleep during the first three years of your kid’s life.

See #5.

9. Letting your kid fall repeatedly while learning to walk.

It’s so hard not to be a jumpy mess when your child becomes mobile. This is easier with the second child.

10. Keeping your couch clean.

I recommend dark brown microfiber.

11. Keeping your car clean.

Hahahahaha..

12. Keeping any toy that has several parts functional.

Always buy age-appropriate toys – when it comes to many parts. I’ve destroyed/lost many a toy that my three-year-old would probably love now.

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      #6, bathroom with the shower running to drown out the bow-chicka-bow sound

      #10, #11 aren’t exclusive to moms :D

      • Valerie

        I will second your idea for #6. And have those slip-proof things on the floor of the tub/shower stall. Just sayin.

    • Valerie

      I have an awful Mean Mom confession to make regarding #1.

      When Claire was not even two and Ben was an infant I was at the playground with them. My son was having a poopy day and went thru the few diapers I had packed for our journey very quickly so we had to head home sooner than I would have thought because I knew the next poo was imminent. Claire was NOT happy at this turn of events and was positively losing it. I had not brought my stroller for some dumb reason so I had Ben strapped to me in the Babyhawk and was trying to get Claire to come with me peaceably so we could leave. 15lb. baby, giant diaper bag, baby is now screaming and toddler is boneless on the ground having a life-changing tantrum. So I leaned down and told her we would stop for ice cream if she came with me. I was sooo desperate. And I said this knowing full well that I did not have any cash on me and that this ice cream place did not take debit cards. She happily came with me and we were set. Got her to the car and drove home where she had another epic fit because I had lied about the ice cream. I ended up taking them with my husband later that evening (after I stole cash from his wallet) because I felt so bad for lying but I did what I had to doooo!

      • Kendra

        “Boneless” is the most accurate description of a toddler fit I’ve ever seen.

      • Valerie

        Either that or noodle legs.

      • Bethany Ramos

        Just amazing. LOL.

    • Kendra

      Toys that require balls should be illegal. Where do those damn balls go??? I had at least 8 at one point and I’m lucky if I can scrounge up 1.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      #13 Try keeping your cool when your toddler starts screaming “I don’t want to be your son anymore!” when its time to leave the park.

    • Q&Asmom

      Microfiber is a joke. If you are vegan, use vinyl. Otherwise, leather is the only chance to keep furniture halfway clean with more than one child.

      • staferny

        This goes for teenagers too, I had a party when I was 18 and one of my friends got drunk and puked all over my parents new leather couch, the shop vac took care of that mess real quick.

    • Stephanie

      i must be missing something. i toomlive in a big city with two kids – a 5 year old and a baby. Both kids sleep thru the night. My older one was taught to take one toy out at a time and put it back when he wants another. He’s never left his room or played with his toys at night ever. And my couch is light grey and spotless
      I’m so sick of these. “my kids destroy everything -haha” moms. Teach your chikdren how to respect you, their things and themselves and your life will be much easier.

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