june cleaver leave it to beaver

At some point, let’s just agree that nobody ever in the world can ever do anything right, and perhaps no more so than when it comes to personal choices for yourself and for your family. If you’re a parent, you’re almost certainly doing it wrong. Here’s 100 ways you’re screwing up at this very moment. Your kids don’t stand a chance.

  1. Your kid probably just spit up all over his artisanal bib made from wolf hair
  2. Your child is wearing hand me downs from her older brother instead of a onesie macramé’d out of placenta
  3. You didn’t plant the placenta
  4. You didn’t eat the placenta
  5. Your kid isn’t in private school
  6. Your kid isn’t in some sort of Montessori deal
  7. Your kid isn’t in the first graduating class of a new charter school
  8. Your kid isn’t setting his own curriculum through unschooling
  9. Your kid only speaks one language
  10. Your kid only speaks two languages
  11. You didn’t teach your pre-verbal kid sign language so she could warn you before she literally shit her pants
  12. You don’t prioritize your sex life with your partner enough
  13. You prioritize your relationship with your partner way too much
  14. You don’t have a partner
  15. You have too many partners
  16. No, seriously, let’s talk more about how your love life is making you an inadequate parent
  17. Your kid spends way too much time alone while you pursue that career
  18. Your kid very well could be smoking marijuana drugs RIGHT NOW
  19. Your kid very well could be watching pornography RIGHT NOW
  20. Your kid very well could be necking with her boyfriend RIGHT NOW
  21. Your kid very well could be shitting her pants RIGHT NOW (and you weren’t warned–remember, no sign language)
  22. You don’t make your own baby food
  23. Your kid ate a frozen meal this week
  24. Your kid ate six frozen meals this week
  25. You spent too much time cooking meals for your kids and their stupid unrefined palates didn’t even get it
  26. You leaned in too far and now your children hate you
  27. You opted out and now everyone hates you
  28. Your children feel kind of whatever about you because they’re teenagers
  29. You vaccinated your children
  30. You circumcised your sons
  31. You didn’t circumcise your sons
  32. Can we talk more about your sons’ genitals? I’m super curious and it’s my business
  33. You co-sleep
  34. Your kids sleep in their own rooms
  35. Your kids sleep on the floor in sleeping bags because they like to pretend they’re camping
  36. Sometimes, you feel overwhelmed
  37. Sometimes, you just put your kids in front of the TV so you can get one god forsaken moment to yourself to freeze the gum out of your hair
  38. You didn’t send Christmas cards this year
  39. You aren’t keeping a diary of every adorable thing your kid says for them to enjoy when they’re older
  40. You haven’t made photo albums for each kid for each year of life
  41. You broke that clay blob your kid claimed was a dog bowl
  42. You don’t remember the last time you crafted
  43. You used those fill-in-the-blank invitations for your kid’s birthday instead of personalized butterfly telegrams (these are butterflies that fly to your guests’ homes with the party info inscribed onto their wings in glow-in-the-dark ink)
  44. The Christmas tree is still up and your kids now have no sense of time
  45. Your kid is outsmarting your parental controls
  46. You really hate those soccer games
  47. You don’t drive a minivan
  48. You do drive a minivan
  49. You dress the same way you did before you had children
  50. You completely adopted #momcore style
  51. You have no style because being a parent means never taking care of yourself ever #howdareyou
  52. Your toddler group isn’t the super trendy exclusive one
  53. Your non-trendy, non-exclusive toddler group won’t contribute anything to your kids’ future college applications
  54. Your kid has had no college application-worthy experiences
  55. Your kid hasn’t done any SAT prep and it’s not like he’ll get less busy once third grade starts
  56. Your kid only studies for the SAT and has no friends and no social life and that’s your fault
  57. Your kid got a C in dance
  58. Your kid got an A- in dance. I mean really.
  59. You fell asleep during your kid’s dance recital
  60. Your kid insists on wearing a Batman costume every single day
  61. You have to peel the Batman costume off of her during nap time to try to wash it and then somehow stuff her back into it before she wakes up
  62. Your kid has picked up your cursing
  63. Your kid has realized that she gets a hilarious response when she calls people “twats”
  64. Your kid has started signing her name as “Twat” on all assignments and now her teacher wants to have a conference (but you’re thinking that’s pretty funny)
  65. You didn’t cook a single meal out of Bon Appetit this month
  66. You don’t iron
  67. You’re the primary breadwinner
  68. Your partner’s the primary breadwinner
  69. Your kid’s bar mitzvah totally sucked
  70. You aren’t sure if your kid still wants to be President
  71. You stayed late at work
  72. Your idiot toddler ran into a wall and got a bruise all over his face
  73. You’ve never taken your kid to an art museum so that she’ll become insufferable
  74. You didn’t make your kids’ Halloween costumes
  75. You got kind of nervous before having “the talk” and kept accidentally saying “make love”
  76. You bought your kids condoms once you found out they were sexually active instead of sending them to convents
  77. You don’t freeze your soups flat and file them
  78. You didn’t beat your baby body and now you’re horrifying
  79. You spent time away from your children at the gym because you like going to the gym
  80. You forgot you grounded your kid and let her go to a karaoke birthday party
  81. You let your kids dress themselves and they look like idiots
  82. The elementary school you choose has grades, teaching your kids to value A’s and not effort
  83. The elementary school you chose doesn’t grade, teaching your kids to be artists/baristas
  84. The elementary school you chose might focus too much on feelings and not enough on basic skills making your children unemployable in the future
  85. The high school you want your kid to go to only has a decent sports program. What about soccer?
  86. You breastfed
  87. You found breast feeding to be painful
  88. You went with formula from the start
  89. You found juggling your twins on both breasts difficult
  90. You breezed through feeding twins at the same time
  91. Your car isn’t very nice
  92. Your car is really, nice. Like, how are you paying for that with three kids?
  93. You’re a SAH parent
  94. You’re a working parent
  95. You’re a single parent
  96. You’re a married parent
  97. You were too young when you had your children
  98. You were waaaaaay too old when you had your children
  99. You are the parent to an only child
  100. You have six kids. Cool overpopulation.

Just give up already. You’re doing it wrong.

Photo: Leave It To Beaver