The ‘Gentlemanly Commandments’ List Makes All of The Dudes We Know Look Like D-Bags

Country Life Gentlemanly Commandments I think props must first be given to County Life’s Gentlemanly Commandments list because all too often, women’s magazines love spouting off their own do’s and don’t lists for ladeeees and it’s about time the mens had their own dumb list to follow. Country Life’s Gentlemanly Commandments have been published to mark the launch of the magazine’s Gentleman of the Year Award, and why do I get the feeling the dude who will win this is probably a certain Duke Of Cambridge? I mean, who else could really be in the running? Regardless, I know it is not your man or mine because all of our dudes breaks the majority of these rules. According to the Daily Mail:

Jilly Cooper  – one of the judging panel for the awards – told the BBC that a real man ‘drives you home after he’s been to bed with you. He wouldn’t jump on you without asking and he wouldn’t jump off buses without paying.’

‘A gentleman is never unkind, they put people ate their ease, they are honorable and gallant.’

She included David Attenborough, Prince William, Ben Fogle and Steven Gerrard in her list of perfect gentleman.

I love both the do’s and don’t lists because they are equally fussy and dumb. Do’s include:

  • Dresses to suit the occasion
  • Makes love on his elbows
  • Occasionally gets drunk, but never disorderly

The don’t's are:

  • Plant gladioli
  • Own a cat
  • Tweet
  • Put products in his hair

First of all, and I have tried to use my imagination for this one but to no avail, how does one make love on their elbows? Is this so the dude doesn’t crush the person he is making love to? What’s more, who uses the term makes love? Oh, let me guess, true gentlemen. Vom.

And what’s with the cat and gladioli hate? What is wrong with gladioli? I think if any man actually plants anything we should be thrilled about it. If I were to make my own list, I would say real gentlemen never spit in the parking lots of WalMart or leave their firearm at the dinner table. I so need to write an etiquette book!

(Image:Getty Images)

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    • Valerie

      Yeah, I’m thinking the elbow thing has to do with not crushing you. Because I am somewhat small and my husband is a pretty big dude and yeah….a frequent line heard from me is “You’re crushing me YOU’RE CRUSHING ME! GET UP!” ;-)

      • WriterLady

        I have the same problem. Haha! Also, do not try to rub your face against mine unless you have made an attempt to shave. My husband is part Puerto Rican, and his facial hair becomes very prickly and painful if he misses even a single day of shaving. I’ve had minor rashes on the side of my face or neck before because he has forgotten that little rule. :)

    • Ursi

      This is too hillarious.

      I want to make my own whimsical list of gentleman list of do’s and don’ts too:

      do:

      be kind to robots
      blow a kiss to guinea pigs when they are out and about
      check for prior engagements before scheduling raid night in Warcraft
      quote dead people a lot but not so much so’s you look like a tool
      make me a sandwich

      don’t:

      use a sugar spoon for a baked potato
      wear horizontal stripes after Valentine’s day
      eat leeks after dark
      wear a matching bow tie with your dog
      summon Cthulhu

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I think this may be the best gentleman list I have ever read!
        be kind to robots always!

      • Alicia Kiner

        Unless they’re Shel-bots.

        Saw that episode of BBT last night, so yeah, that’s what I thought of when ya’ll started talking about robots

      • Bethany Ramos

        Be kind to robots lololol

      • Megan Zander

        Are they blowing kisses when they see a guinea pig out and about or to any potential guinea pigs not visible but possibly in the vicinity when they themselves are out? Because the first strikes me as adorable, the second I’m on the fence between quirky and creepy.

      • Ursi

        Oh, totally the guinea pig has to be out and about doing it’s guinea pig routine and then when he sees it he has to blow it a kiss because that’s a gentlemanly thing to do. Very important distinction, I agree!

      • Kay_Sue

        I dunno, I’d kind of be cool with summoning Cthulhu if he could control it and set it upon my enemies.

      • Megan Zander

        That’s it, between the post about the baby’s name and this, I’m googling Cthulhu.

      • Fondue

        By the way everybody was talking, I figured I’d be the only person on Earth needed to google it.

      • Megan Zander

        Hahaha I know, I felt so left out! Wiki has sketches, so that was helpful. Unsettling, but helpful.

      • Lackadaisical

        The gentist gent in the universe can’t summon Cthulhu because he is Cthulhu. I am sure that as he devours our souls and makes us all scream at his eldritch horror he is also doffing his hat with one of his tentacles and making tea with another.

      • Kay_Sue

        These are valid points. ;)

      • evilstepmom

        I need this cross-stitched and framed! Immediately! :D

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        Yay! Be kind to robots!

      • Butt Trophy Recipient

        OOOH, I’m gonna write the do’s and don’t's of being an internet gentletroll

        Here’s the list:

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        Mad props for using the word gentletroll. I think I love it….. hmmmm…it would make a great screen name.

    • Ddaisy

      I was with them for the do’s, but they lost me at the don’ts. I think cats and plants are cool. I wouldn’t want a gentleman who didn’t want a cat.

    • Lackadaisical

      That’s strange, whenever I have read a Jilly Cooper novel I have wanted to slap her romantic heroes for being arrogant arses. The men in her books are usually self centred, a little bit chauvinistic and completely up their own bottoms. By way of a disclaimer, I only read them because when I was growing up my mum was a big fan and sometimes any book is better than no book to read.

      Also, Steven Gerrard? Look, I have no problem with the man and I realise that footy (soccer to you guys) is very important to a lot of people, and I don’t know of any scandal surrounding him except for one that was completely debunked as nonsense, but the epitome of gentleman? In the same list as Sir David Attenborough? Really?

      Actually, I am not sure anyone is allowed to be in the same list as Attenborough. Here is my list for being a gentleman:

      1) Change the way we understand nature and nature documentaries, bringing education to an entire nation for 60 years
      2) Have a distinctive hushed voice that makes you think he is afraid of spooking a gorilla or tiger, even when he is in a studio interview
      3) Be controller of BBC2 soon after it launches, still make nature documentaries in Africa, and then step down because you have so many more nature documentaries you want to film
      4) Be Richard Attenborough’s younger brother
      5) Make me care about science, the natural world and education when I was a little girl

      That’s not too specific a list is it?

    • Jennifer Freeman

      My ‘donts’ list:
      Don’t leave a trail of packaging lying right where you opened whatever it is you opened
      Don’t leave your used qtip on the bathroom sink
      Don’t throw the baby’s clothes ‘at’ the hamper rather than ‘in’ it (seriously, I am always pulling a bunch of clothes from behind the hamper)
      Don’t stockpile a bunch of fitness clothes that don’t fit because “they were expensive and I might wear them again”

      • Bethany Ramos

        Don’t leave a sharp knife on the counter after opening a package!!!! GOD. Every time.

      • Jennifer Freeman

        Same here. Drives me crazy!

    • Kay_Sue

      I have to be honest, I am totally with her on the don’t put products in your hair. I dated a guy once that took HOURS to do his hair…and he was in the military. I mean there was not that much hair to work with, folks.

      I think my do’s and don’ts would look like this:

      Do mow the lawn. It looks like a fucking jungle and I am disinclined to do it.
      Do change the oil in my car. It is time and I am disinclined to do it.
      Do deal with your children this evening. They are being pains in the ass and I am disinclined to do it.
      Do put your dirty socks in the hamper. Anything else is gross, and I am disinclined to do it.
      Do fix me one of those really good drinks you make. I need one, and I am disinclined to do it.

      Don’t make weird faces when I over-season something. This will keep you from being smothered in your sleep.
      Don’t leave dirty socks on the floor. This will keep you from being smothered in your sleep.
      Don’t insult Lost Girl. I understand that it is “campy” and I love it anyway. This will keep you from being smothered in your sleep.
      Don’t disturb me at a critical point in a book. This will keep you from being smothered in your sleep.
      Don’t talk during GoT. This will keep you from being smothered in your sleep.
      Don’t breathe during GoT. This will keep you from being smothered in your sleep.

      • Megan Zander

        Yes! What is it with talking when I’m reading or watching something? He will spend hours saying nothing to me and the second I pick up a boom or start a video he’s suddenly a needy three year old who has to tell me something RIGHT NOW. Down. Sit. Stay.

      • Jennifer Freeman

        My husband likes to make predictions about what will happen and ask questions about what is happening (likely because he missed it while he was busy making predictions) and it drives me nuts.

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        OMG! My boyfriend HATES it when I ask about certain things in shows that he’s seen, and I don’t even ask when he’s watching it with me or during the episode if he is. He refuses to answer anything with anything but “watch and you’ll see”, but when he’s watching something I’ve already seen with me it’s a stream of questions, or he won’t pay attention for a bit, get confused and ask me to explain what happened. I’ve started pestering him every time he takes his phone out while watching something.

      • Alicia Kiner

        My husband does this now. Ever since he got his iPad for Christmas, he doesn’t watch anything without playing on it too. it’s so frustrating

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        YES!!!! I want to break all the screens in the house (except mine of course). If you’re going to watch tv, effing WATCH IT! Don’t rewind when you zone out!

      • Jennifer Freeman

        My exact words to my husband are “watch and you’ll see”. Lol unless, of course, he is coming in to watch from the middle of the season or something. I don’t mind answering questions then

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        I don’t mind being told that, it’s just frustrating when he’ll ask more questions than me and then get pouty when I tell him the same thing!

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        YES! Mine gets pissy if I don’t hear something and we have to rewind, but if he was distracted by Facebook or something and we have to rewind, well…that’s just supposed to be cool.

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        I think our menfolk are secretly related. *sigh* I love him to bits, but sometimes I’d like to smack him upside the head.

      • Alicia Kiner

        it must be the y chromosome.

      • Kay_Sue

        I feel this so hard. The other time he’s bad is if I sit down on my computer. We could be sitting side by side while he fiddles on his phone for hours, but the moment I pick up my laptop…he needs all of my attention RIGHT THEN. ;)

      • Valerie

        OMG PARALLEL LIVES! My husband does this too. He is stone silent for hours and then all of a sudden, we have to discuss a million teeny stupid meaningless things as soon as I start reading on my iPad. HUSBANDS ARE DUMB!

      • Megan Zander

        For realz! I’ll admit that I sometimes extract revenge by waiting until he’s just about to fall asleep and then I start pestering him with meaningless crap, “we have to remember to buy strawberry jelly”. It’s the little things that bring me joy.

      • Valerie

        bwahahahaha. I DO THE SAME THING. Just last night, I was poking him to get him awake so I could show him some stupid shit on Reddit. It was revenge for a prior offense which I no longer remember but that’s not important anyway. HE DESERVED IT.

      • Megan Zander

        I have to admit I don’t understand how reddit works. Like there was AMA with Gillian Flynn yesterday that I was trying to follow and I couldn’t figure it out, soon many arrows and subthreads, it’s like a black hole I could get lost it. I need to snag me a nerdy 12 year old to explain it to me.

      • Valerie

        Yeah, it kind of blows my mind too. I never post, just look. I mostly look at the pictures and GIF’s and giggle. I don’t really understand the comment threads either. We can be clueless old ladies together.

      • Megan Zander

        Deal

      • Megan Zander

        He most definitely deserved it.

      • ted3553

        I once talked non stop through a whole period of a hockey game to exact my revenge

      • Sri

        I’m glad it’s not just my husband, lol. I will start watching something or reading, he will start talking, I pause it or put it down, we have a conversation, he stops talking. It seems like the conversation is finished. Then, as soon as I press play or pick it back up, BOOM he has more to say! Eventually, like after this plays out like a dozen times, I get annoyed and ask him “Are you done? Got everything out? Because once I push play again, I’m ignoring you unless the cat is on fire.”

      • Megan Zander

        Lolololol not the cat!

      • LiteBrite

        Oh God, mine does the same damn thing. The moment I turn on “American Horror Story” is the exact moment he decides he wants to either have a deep, philosophical discussion on Freud and the Communist influence or start an inconsequential argument on why my tone was sarcastic when I asked him to take out the garbage.

      • Jennifer Freeman

        The lawn – can’t believe I forgot that one. My husband will put off mowing the lawn FOREVER. We live in GA and the lawn (OK, weeds) grow like crazy. Anything more than a week in between mowings is too much. He grew up in a rural area so the “returned to nature look” doesn’t phase him. Unfortunately, we live in a subdivision with neighbors who have well manicured lawns. I’d settle for grass that is less than shin-high. Then, should I suggest that if he doesn’t want to do it we should pay someone to do it, he gets offended. The only time he got better about mowing was after I made him help me cut a snake loose that had gotten caught in some netting we put around our garden. I reminded him that the high grass attracted wildlife and he was pretty good about it.

      • Kay_Sue

        I’m in SC, so I feel your pain so much. It’s currently ankle high on me, and I hate it. We get those huge wolf spiders and I hate them. I don’t mind them in the yard, because they eat insects, but I want to be able to see them so I can, ya know, avoid them…impossible when the grass is so high.

      • Lackadaisical

        That all sounds fair to me and I can’t see anything unreasonable there. A true gent would understand and follow those rules.

      • Kay_Sue

        He does for the most part. Aside from putting off mowing the grass as long as possible and talking during TV shows. ;)

      • Sri

        I’d settle for “Do mow the lawn, or at least don’t complain if you don’t like how I do it.” and “Do change my oil, or at least don’t complain when I take it to get it done by a professional.”

        Like, both of these things are chores I technically know how to do. I learned how to do minor vehicle maintenance, because feminism. However, I would rather pay someone to do it for me so I don’t jack up my nails, because vanity. I also actually like mowing the lawn. I like how it smells and I like being alone with my thoughts for a while. However, I refuse to mow my lawn into those stupid golf course diamond cross hatch patterns. Yes, I’m aware they look nice, but I have better things to do with my time, like trying to read or fielding emails from annoying parents.

      • Kay_Sue

        I get the vanity thing. It’s like changing a tire. I can do it, but when I was running late for work and I was dressed for a corporate visit and one blew….I called my dad. Because I didn’t want to get dirty. *hangs head in shame*

        I mowed for him once and he did not complain. However, I learned a difficult lesson about my spindly arms versus the hill in our front yard that makes me unwilling to do it again…

      • Jennifer Freeman

        Mine is stuck mowing because I do all the weeding and sweeping up after the mowing and whatnot. I used to Moe when I wasn’t working and loved it, but we’re both working now so he has to help with yardwork. :)

      • tSubh Dearg

        I wish mine could mow the lawn at all but he conveniently has “hayfever” which means his eyes swell up and he can’t see let alone mow, so I am stuck with that job forever! :(

      • AP

        I feel like “mow the lawn” depends on where you live. My husband grew up with acres, where mowing the lawn meant “riding around in circles on a tractor or riding mower.” Or even “tying goats to a stake in the ground.”

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        Tying goats to a stake in the ground is my type of lawn mowing. #lazy #goatsareawesome

      • Kay_Sue

        I would do this if we did not live in town. I love those little bastards.

      • Kendra

        The only thing I would change about this post is I don’t watch GoT, so I’d switch that out to Walking Dead. Otherwise, perfection!

      • Kay_Sue

        We share the Walking Dead, so it’s complete and total silence during it while both stare at the screen intensely. Then there’s an explosion of talking at the end…;)

      • Kendra

        We share the walking dead too, but he likes to ask questions A LOT because he has only actually watched Season 4. Prime example: “I don’t see what is such a big deal about this Governor guy. He doesn’t seem that bad to me”. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Alicia Kiner

        How can you just jump into The Walking Dead???

      • Kendra

        It started because I started watching it via Netflix, so he has seen a few random episodes of seasons 1-3. When 4 started and I could watch it real time, he just started out watching it because it was on. Then he got invested, and the questions started coming. And he still laughs at me for talking along with The Talking Dead

      • Alicia Kiner

        I LOVE the Talking Dead. My husband can’t stand it. But I love how they analyze it. It’s what he and I do but more so.

      • Kendra

        ME TOO!!!!!! I need that show to calm my ass down before I go to bed. And I love love love when the actors from the show are there.

      • Alicia Kiner

        Yeah, me too. Going to bed right after zombies, not conducive to good sleeping. Especially when my husband has a habit of snoring exactly like those zombies moan. It’s quite unsettling in the dark.

      • Kay_Sue

        I love it too. I follow on Twitter during it also. Some episodes this past season I actually enjoyed Talking Dead more than the show itself.

      • Alicia Kiner

        The trash! Take out the blessed trash when the can is full, don’t just buy the bigger bags so you can shove more stuff in it!! One of the things I’m most looking forward to in our new house is having one of those big cans instead of a dumpster that we have to drive to. Cause then I can take the trash out myself and won’t have to listen to, I’ll get it later.

      • Kay_Sue

        I’m terrible about taking out the trash. It’s the one thing around the house that I do ask of him because I inherited my father’s tendency to cram as much shit in as possible, until it finally explodes.

        Having a big green monster (my toddler calls it that) is definitely preferable to driving it somewhere. We did that when I was a kid, and I think that’s why my dad had the aforementioned habit.

      • Alicia Kiner

        It’s the one thing I ask him to do regularly because I pretty much handle everything else when my head isn’t exploding. I’m also handling most of the packing for said move. I figure dealing with all the house stuff + chronic migraines + 2 kids, I should get a pass on the trash. When we move, it’s changing to mowing the lawn, because we don’t have to do that here, and the trash will be much less hassle there. And I don’t like the way he does it ;)

      • Obladi Oblada

        Not just take out the trash but put a clean bag in. The Dude will take out the trash no problemo but he won’t put another bag in! Drives me bonkers.

      • Alicia Kiner

        I have this problem too, but have made it my 9 year old son’s chore to put the bags in. It is also now his pet peeve when new bags are not put in the cans. LOL. I think I’m training him well for his spouse someday.

      • Alicia Kiner

        The whole time I’m reading this, I’m reading it in Keira Knightley’s voice from Pirates of the Caribean… I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your… something.

      • noodlestein

        Request!

      • Alicia Kiner

        That’s it!! I haven’t watched it in so long.

        And oh wow, I totally butchered the spelling of Caribbean didn’t I?

      • tSubh Dearg

        Huzzah someone else who loves the campy wonder that is Lost Girl! I thought I was all alone. I have to put up with MANY sarcastic remarks from my pagan Beau about it. Though we do agree that Kristen Holden-Ried is hot but should never be allowed to be seen without facial hair as that lowers his hotness quotient exponentially.

      • Kay_Sue

        Love it. I actually found it from a piece on Jezebel. Weird, huh?

        And I completely concur about Holden-Ried. It’s the facial hair that really ups it. I also love his tats in the show. Not going to say they haven’t made it into a fantasy or two, because that would be lying and my mother taught me better. ;)

      • tSubh Dearg

        I just kept seeing ads for it on the SyFy channel and thought I’d give it a go. I have never looked back on the sexiness.

        Also those tats are also super hot and he may also have been the subject of some fantasies in this household too…
        >_>
        <_<

      • Paul White

        my wife mows. She cares more plus I’m allergic so she can mow mow mow mow.

      • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

        Best. List. EVER!!!

    • CMJ

      Well my husband is screwed.

      • Valerie

        Mine wears boxer briefs with holes because he is so cheap and hates buying new underwear. His theory is as long as they cover the “hygeine areas” they are still ok to use. And then when they get tore up badly enough that he deems them unusable he gives me a nice strip tease where he tears them off and they basically disintegrate into dust before my very eyes. You would never know this man has a banking job where he is responsible for corporate millions. He lives like a hobo in many ways.

        ETA: This does not mean we are wealthy. He just handles the wealth of other companies. Didn’t want this to come across as a humble brag. We are very average.

      • Jennifer Freeman

        I am dying at “hygiene areas”! Lmao

      • Valerie

        He is repulsive.

      • CMJ

        OMG! My husband does this too! He only wears one specific brand in a specific style and color. He had one pair that got bleach on them so they were his “tye-dyed” underwear. Another pair he called his “loincloth” because they were so shredded. I usually get him like 8 pairs for Xmas. (They are like $25 bucks a pair).

      • Valerie

        OMG THE LOIN CLOTH! Hahahaha. That is what I call a select few of my husband’s “vintage” underwear.

      • WriterLady

        Okay, now I am convinced our husbands were separated at birth. Between the “crushing” factor and the attachment to the boxers/boxer briefs (well beyond their, err, lifespan), it sounds like these two men have a few things in common. At least I know I’m not alone when it comes to these things!

      • Valerie

        We need to have a Skanky Boxers Burning Party. Throw them all in a big heap and light them on fire.

      • LiteBrite

        Yeah, what the hell is up with that. My husband leaves the house in nice pants, shirt, tie, etc, yet his underwear and socks are full of holes. His attitude is “Well, the only one who sees my underwear is you.” My response is, “You’re right, and that should be enough for you to buy some new ones.”

      • Valerie

        YUP. His clothes are all decent. His underwear look like he’s been on Survivor for the full 40 days. I do not compute.

      • Paul White

        well, no one sees them so if they still work….
        My dividing line is if the elastic gives out. Then ew.

    • Alicia Kiner

      the hair product thing… some men ( and boys) NEED hair product so their hair isn’t a complete and utter mess. If that’s their hair, by all means. But at the same time, if a man is taking longer to get ready to go out than I do putting on full makeup and doing my hair, that’s a problem.

      I don’t know about the flowers, etc, but I always feel so special and flattered when older gentlemen open doors for me. It’s silly, because I’m perfectly capable of opening them myself. But it’s so nice. Men need to do that more, and we need to let them.

    • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

      Do:
      Be James Bond

      Don’t:
      Be Chris Brown

      • Megan Zander

        That sums it up nicely

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        I thought so!

      • Lackadaisical

        I don’t know … watching old Bond movies he veers into cad territory as often as he is a gentleman. A flash car, awesome yet murderish gadgets and bespoke tailoring do not make a gentleman. I have a different role model in mind for aspiring gents.

        Do:
        Be any of the Doctors (except 6)

        Don’t:
        Be Chris Brown
        Be James Bond
        Be the 6th Doctor

      • http://nessyhart.wordpress.com/ pixie

        I was thinking more new Bond, but mostly because I think Daniel Craig is uber sexy.
        And yes, the Doctors!

    • Paul White

      On my elbows?! Ew no

    • LiteBrite

      My husband does two of three “Dos.” I’ll let you guess which ones. He does, however, put product in his hair, and while we have two cats, he does not think of them as his but rather “two cats who I allow to live in my house.”

    • Tea

      Some of us need hair products, industrial strength pomade made with the fat of baby seals and the tears of kittens is the only thing that keeps my husband from growing an afro. Also, cats are awesome, dogs are awesome, snakes are awesome, giant spiders are awesome.

      I’m really resisting the urge to make a list of sheer gentlemanliness/foppery that can only be generated by two drunk gay guys with really manly hobbies.

    • Jessica

      If there’s one time I don’t want my husband acting like a gentleman it’s while we’re “making love.” Beforehand? Sure. Afterwards? Yes, please. Elbow leaning in between? No, thank you.

    • MLSKC

      If I want to be on top, I don’t think the gentleman can make love on his elbows.

    • brebay

      Charles? For real? Gentlemen don’t cheat on their wives…

    • ted3553

      Question answered

    • ted3553

      I believe I have the answer