• Fri, Apr 18 - 10:00 am ET

Haters Gonna Hate, But Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still The Self-Proclaimed Luckiest Mom Ever

In a world filled with turmoil and chaos, it’s sorta kinda comforting to know that even beautiful, ethereal celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow aren’t above bragging on social media to soothe their insecurities.

Sure, Gwynnie may have gotten a lot of hate for her comments on working mothers, but who cares? She has her beautiful children on a beautiful beach, probably flown there by a private jet, and she also knows how to use hashtags to say that she is the #luckiestmomever on Twitter.

gwyn

You guys. I know Gwyneth Paltrow has done some crazy things since she has become a rich, organic Earth Mother in the past decade or so, but I still can’t shake my 90s obsession with her. Whenever I see her acting a fool with her so-called “conscious uncoupling,” I just want to curl up into a ball and watch A Perfect Murder or Sliding Doors on loop. Somebody hold me.

You see, I was really, really into Gwyneth Paltrow in the 90s. I may or may not have attempted to cut my ultra-curly hair into a sleek, edgy Gwyneth Paltrow bob, which ultimately ended up in a super-short, curly Afro. I’d like to think that it all worked out in the end.

Even if Gwyneth wasn’t a beautiful celebrity with her crazy track record, I would be giving her the side-eye for the thinly-veiled, insecure bullshit she is posting on social media. If I were to objectively pretend she was a random friend, I would be thinking to myself, Hmm… You’re in the midst of a divorce, and you’re making sure everyone knows that you are the #luckiestmomever?

Yup, no doubt about it, this is a cry for help. Gwyneth, I still have a 90s crush on you. If you want to pull your head out of your ass, we can still be friends. I’ll help you work through the devastation of your conscious uncoupling, and we can also smoke a secret cigarette together once a week, as I hear you like to do.

Clearly, she is falling apart. The more someone insists that they are doing AMAZING, the less likely I am to believe them.

Share This Post:
  • Frannie

    Well, at least she realizes that she’s lucky.

  • Kendra

    I operate under the same assumption. The more you are bragging about your life, the more I think you’re probably actually really unhappy. This goes for things such as “I have the best boyfriend everrrrrrrrrr”. I translate this to: “I want some flowers for valentines, but my boyfriend is clueless so if I post something lovey dovey, maybe he will get the hint that I want romance…because talking to him is so clichΓ©”

    • Bethany Ramos

      Yeah, I have one person in particular on FB that I am “concerned” about for this reason…

    • Valerie

      So much this. I am not on FB anymore but when I was, I never said a word about my husband. Because I live with him and if I want him to know something I feel about him I just holler from down the hallway like all loving couples should.

    • Kendra

      My husband’s BFF and his little gf post this kind of garb all damn day. I’m not even kidding you, they will be in the same room and yet will post on fb “hey babe, just wanted to say I love you” and then you’ll see another “awww..I love you mostest”. Dudes. STAHP. Why can you not grasp the notion that you could just say this to each other’s faces you LUNES!

    • Valerie

      Lol. Absolutely.

    • http://lawleramericanadventure.wordpress.com/ Nicole

      But how will people know their relationship is so much better than everyone else’s? HOOOOOOW??

    • Kendra

      You make an excellent point. MUST GO TO FACEBOOK NOOOOOOOOW!

    • whiteroses

      And this is why my husband has never posted anything about me on Facebook- but yet, his cover photo is his favorite pic of me.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahha my husband and I always joke when we say something sappy, “Don’t say that to my face, say it on FB, or it doesn’t count!”

    • Kendra

      LOL we do the same thing!!!! I always threaten to post everything he says on FB because I’d like to show them how obnoxious they are, but he won’t let me. :( #buzzkill

    • Valerie

      Hahahahahaha.

    • Rana

      lol! My husband never gets on his FB but I made him get on the other day so he could vote for American Idol (haha). So while he was on there I was like “Aren’t you going to say something to me on FB??” and he looked at me like WTF are you talking about? He was completely bewildered as to why you would say something on FB to someone who was in the same room. But I want people to know my husband loves me damnit!!

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL – I love me some American Idol! I hope he voted for Caleb or Alex. ;)

    • Rana

      haha! I voted for Caleb and Alex and he voted for Caleb and Jena! He def has a mancrush on Caleb.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Caleb must win! He is flawless. I could go on for ages. :)

    • CMJ

      I hate American Idol and all singing reality shows.

      Is that un-American?

    • Kay_Sue

      I hope not…I’d hate to have to turn in my passport or something.

    • Rana

      It was not un-American to hate it when Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey were the judges. To hate it when Harry and Keith are judges, I’d say yes.

    • CMJ

      So, I saw one episode with HCJ and he was actually commenting on REAL singing technique. Which was what always bothered me about the show….

    • Rana

      I know! And it’s like no one even understands what he’s trying to get across because he is just a musical genius apparently.

    • CMJ

      J-Lo – “Lift your soft palate? What do you mean? Sing from your diaphragm? Where is that?”

      *FACE PALM.

    • Bethany Ramos

      BUT JLo dancing to I Luh Ya Papi in a sparkly diaper was the best thing yet.

    • CMJ

      Is that what the kids are listening to these days?

    • Valerie

      A sparkly diaper?! I just spit coffee. #HDY

    • Bethany Ramos
    • Valerie

      AHHHH! I am now cry-laughing in my cubicle and everyone must think I’m insane.

    • Bethany Ramos

      And then another Idol singer wore a sparkly diaper this week, and I feel so behind on the times!!

    • Valerie

      Sparkly diapers are very in right now, apparently. Beth, we have some NYC shopping to do.
      #sequinsinmyvag

    • Bethany Ramos

      Yes!! #sparklysaggycrotch

    • Valerie

      #sexy

    • Bethany Ramos
    • Valerie

      WTAF

    • CMJ

      Every time I see anyone wearing a pair of shorts like this all I can think is…gawd, that looks like a yeast infection waiting to happen.

      #cameltoeisdangerous

    • Bethany Ramos

      YES. I just love Idol and don’t’ know why, and I can’t stop. HELP.

    • Kendra

      I only watch The Voice. I used to watch Idol, but I have given up.

    • Valerie

      Nah. I don’t hate it but I don’t watch it either.

    • Ursi

      My spouse and I have a deal that he will never post about me on FB because now that he’s friends with my mother (huge mistake), she will call me up to tell me that he posted a photo of me or an update about me. SHE WILL CALL ME and tell me how cute it is. Even if it’s not remotely cute or affectionate. Because my mother is shipping us or something because she’s a nutter.

    • Bethany Ramos

      The whole point of FB is not to talk IRL! Doesn’t she know??

    • CMJ

      When people talk about how they have the best spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend because they did something absolutely normal like make them dinner I want to just yell – THEY SHOULD DO THAT FOR YOU ANYWAY. Stop posting on FB.

      Sometimes I will post the things my husband says, because he’s pretty hilarious…like last night we were watching hockey and he kept asking about knuckle pucks and why no team does the “flying v.”

    • Valerie

      That’s totally different! When I was on FB, I would regularly post scripts from hilarious convos with my kids. No #blessed kind of shit. Just funny stuff. Funny is always allowed!

    • Kendra

      Funny stuff should really be all that is allowed, if you ask me.

    • CMJ

      You should get back on FB and just be friends with awesome Mommyish people.

    • Bethany Ramos

      AGREE. Dammit, Valerie!!

    • CMJ

      I like to think I’m not annoying on FB – I don’t talk about my workout habits nor my “clean eating.” I tend to just be a passionate feminist and I can be overly liberal.

      LET’S DO THIS, VALERIE.

    • Bethany Ramos

      You are not annoying at all. :)

    • Valerie

      Hahaha. Ok, maybe I will tackle next week after Easter hell is over. I still need a freaking Superman figurine, more candy and shit, and shoes for their outfits.
      #Marvelisruiningmylife

    • Bethany Ramos

      Yayyyyyyy

    • CMJ

      I feel like Easter shoes are the bane of all mom’s existences. There’s an entire video of me sulking around in Wonder Woman pajamas in my white patent leather shoes because they had a rounded toe…I was 6…maybe 7.

    • momjones

      Best.CLASSIC. Shoes.Ever.

    • Valerie

      OMG that is too cute. I want to see you when you were little!!
      I try to be reasonable with it- I hate buying shoes they can only wear with one outfit. My son is Mr Fussy so he loves jeans and I won’t fight him. I can get him some cute Vans or something that he will wear again. I think I will find sturdy white sandals of the Stride Rite variety for Claire. I am so practical- other Moms of Girls think I am nutty that I have never been one to put her in the frilly shit. I am not frilly so she won’t be either. :-)
      Oh, and my mom just texted me and she found Superman! WOOHOO! One thing off my motha-effing list!

    • CMJ

      Mini CMJ and Sister.

    • Valerie

      OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!! Those shoes are amazing.

    • CMJ

      Those boots were my favorite shoes. I wore them with everything.

    • Valerie

      And why not? They go with everything!

    • Bethany Ramos

      TOO CUTE!

    • Valerie

      Hahahaha. Maybe I will! :-)

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      YES! More forums for me to troll Val!

    • Valerie

      I am not accepting a friend request from someone named Butt.

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      :(

    • Valerie

      I have to have standards!

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      :(

    • Kay_Sue

      Sidenote: I had one of these instances yesterday and it did get posted.

      We got home from our road trip and my oldest promptly tattled on his brother to my husband in a single breath, which was certainly some kind of world record, because he covered 8 hours worth of transgressions.

      My husband goes, “Well, I’m sure that Mommy handled it.”
      And the kid goes, “Yeah. She threatened to sell us to the ‘Gyptians.”

      And that is the kind of stuff I like to read on Facebook. But I may be #biased.

    • CMJ

      momjones is notorious for trying to give me away. “You want her? You can have her.”

    • Kay_Sue

      I’d have to pay someone to take them, so they know it’s an empty threat. *sighs* ;)

    • momjones

      I only did it once when you climbed into the window at a dress shop and pretended to be a mannequin. All I said was, “Do you want her?” to a woman looking at you. I think I’d be arrested if I said that today.

    • Valerie

      HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love this. And omg, she looks a lot like I did as a kid! Momjones, are you sure you’re not my mom too?!?!

    • CMJ

      This is a lie. It’s on home video too. I mean, sure it was just family members…BUT IT HAPPENED. #middlechildsyndrome

    • Kendra

      The struggle is real.

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      Kendra, I think it’s time you get an Avy.

    • Kendra

      Welp, I’m going to go ahead and show my novice here, but I don’t know what an Avy is.

    • Kendra

      So I hit up urban dictionary to learn that you mean Avatar.

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      That little grey dude next to your name, that’s your avatar (short: Avy)

      Because you post as a guest, you can’t edit it. So, open up a real disqus acnt and go nuts!

    • Lauren_Alli

      Fun fact: I have a username. TA DA!!!!!!!!!! I just can’t use it 99% of the time because the computer is a giant piece of shit.

    • Kendra

      Whenever I try to login, it just ignores my request, so I end up posting as guest bc it’s easier. But I’ve never been good at choosing avatars anyway. Too much pressure.

    • Butt Trophy Recipient
    • Kendra

      LOL, maybe someday when I have 3 hours to wait on my computer to load!

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      You need to get a non-Windows 96 computer

    • Valerie

      OMG, she is an ideal test person for Femputerβ„’ v2.0!!!

    • Valerie

      Hahahaha. Me too! It was all I really liked about FB!

    • Kay_Sue

      I love funny stories of any kind. My MIL is the best about it. Whether it is the grandkids or poor FIL (he does not have FB and does not use computers, so he’s a frequent victim) she makes me laugh ’til it hurts. ;)

    • Valerie

      And yes, I am sad for people who think its a big deal that their spouse took out the garbage or heated up their Lean Pocket for them. Jesus. Have higher expectations!

    • CMJ

      “I have the best husband ever because he took care of the kids and cleaned while I was sick.”

      WHAT? I mean, I would fucking hope so.

    • Kendra

      May as well just post “I have a run-of-the-mill average husband because he performed a daily mundane task while I was unable”.

    • Valerie

      “Awwww, he stopped watching baseball for one whole night to clean up after dinner!”
      #loveyouhoney

    • Valerie

      Totally. I just expect that to happen. Always have.

    • Kay_Sue

      I’m bad about replying to those with “He’d better.”

      I’m a demanding spouse, apparently.

    • momjones

      I have the best husband ever because he just left for our cabin in the Thumb (it’s a Michigan thing), and I am the HAPPIEST person alive because I am home, ALONE, for two days! Give me a gif for that baby girl!

    • CMJ
    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      YES! Party at MommaCMJ’s crib!

      I’ll bring booze!

    • Valerie

      I can do the booze. You can bring butt trophys for our backyard relay games.

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      Butt Trophy is rare, like the Oscar. And I’m not made out of butts!

      (although, some might disagree)

    • Valerie

      Then you better come up with some ass-itizers.

    • momjones

      Am I supposed to Upvote or Buttvote this?

    • Valerie

      LOL. How would one Buttvote? By farting? Or pinching the butt?

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      OOOH, MommaCMJ’s gonna pinch my butt?

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      Buttvote please

    • Bethany Ramos

      DUCKS FLY TOGETHER. You tell him that.

    • CMJ

      He was really concerned. And you have no idea how many times the knuckle puck was brought up.

    • JJ

      If someone brags on facebook once in a while to say, “I love my wife she is the best” I think okay that is kind of cute. But when people have to go over the top everyday with messages like that everyday I think there is some insecurity they have and they are covering it up by bragging and overcompensating. For example one guy who I now blocked on facebook was always saying “love my perfect wife and my boys life is wonderful. I am over the moon. Life could not be more perfect”. Everyday! Sometimes twice a day. It’s a bit much dude.And this guy is not the happiest of guys he has anger issues and is very temperamental so I know he puts those messages on there to project some image to others to compensate for his emotional/anger issues.

  • Valerie

    So she subsists on kale, air and cigs? Makes sense. One is about as healthful as the other.

    And I too share a 90′s crush on her. As far as I’m concerned, that is where she still resides. Same as Alicia Silverstone before she turned into a fucking quack. 1994 up in here.

  • cabinfever

    Yesterday the story was that the CEO of GOOP had quit, so I guess she doesn’t want people talking about that. Look at my kids!!

  • KaeTay

    every mom with kids has these days..she just likes to share it.

    • Kendra

      I have never posted any picture with any of these obnoxious hashtags.

    • Butt Trophy Recipient

      #thankyoukendra #bestnonhashtaggerever

  • Ptownsteveschick

    Sigh, the ever unattainable sleek bob. Big curly afro twins for life.

    • Bethany Ramos

      And 90s mall bangs that never could be. :(

    • Ptownsteveschick

      Oh god the bangs. In 2nd grade I had a one layer shoulder length cut with bangs that my mom blew out every day. One day a classmate asked if I was wearing a wig. Not cute.

    • Valerie

      OMG I had spiral perm bangs in the early 90′s. They looked like Lambchop.

    • Kay_Sue

      I loved Lambchop.:(

    • Valerie

      Me too. Until I morphed into her in 4th grade.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahahhahahah this was basically my Gwynnie hair.

    • Valerie

      #stylish

    • CMJ

      My friend tried baby bangs in the early aughts. It did NOT go well for her.

  • Kay_Sue

    Welllll…maybe it is kind of an accurate hashtag. Maybe not the luckiest ever, but let’s face it, it does take a fair amount of luck to make it big enough to be able to vacation in that kind of setting with your miniature terrorists….

  • brebay

    Okay, not totally on-topic, but I’m having a debate with someone at the moment over whether this is the #creepiesthashtag. Amirite? (click to enlarge) Even with the single entendre, it’s pretty obnoxious though…

    • Bethany Ramos

      Nooooo, it’s terrible!

    • brebay

      Okay, good, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one who heard club music in my head when I read it! #robinthickelyrics #purityballs #whosyourdaddynow #pleasechangeyourhashtagitscreepy

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahahhaha

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