In a world filled with turmoil and chaos, it’s sorta kinda comforting to know that even beautiful, ethereal celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow aren’t above bragging on social media to soothe their insecurities.

Sure, Gwynnie may have gotten a lot of hate for her comments on working mothers, but who cares? She has her beautiful children on a beautiful beach, probably flown there by a private jet, and she also knows how to use hashtags to say that she is the #luckiestmomever on Twitter.

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You guys. I know Gwyneth Paltrow has done some crazy things since she has become a rich, organic Earth Mother in the past decade or so, but I still can’t shake my 90s obsession with her. Whenever I see her acting a fool with her so-called “conscious uncoupling,” I just want to curl up into a ball and watch A Perfect Murder or Sliding Doors on loop. Somebody hold me.

You see, I was really, really into Gwyneth Paltrow in the 90s. I may or may not have attempted to cut my ultra-curly hair into a sleek, edgy Gwyneth Paltrow bob, which ultimately ended up in a super-short, curly Afro. I’d like to think that it all worked out in the end.

Even if Gwyneth wasn’t a beautiful celebrity with her crazy track record, I would be giving her the side-eye for the thinly-veiled, insecure bullshit she is posting on social media. If I were to objectively pretend she was a random friend, I would be thinking to myself, Hmm… You’re in the midst of a divorce, and you’re making sure everyone knows that you are the #luckiestmomever?

Yup, no doubt about it, this is a cry for help. Gwyneth, I still have a 90s crush on you. If you want to pull your head out of your ass, we can still be friends. I’ll help you work through the devastation of your conscious uncoupling, and we can also smoke a secret cigarette together once a week, as I hear you like to do.

Clearly, she is falling apart. The more someone insists that they are doing AMAZING, the less likely I am to believe them.