THIS bitch.

THIS bitch.

Please do not laugh in my face when I tell you that I oft use my microwave to cook. Yes, I use my microwave for its intended purpose, like every other schmuck on planet Earth, which is to heat up cold pizza until it is boiling hot and burns the roof of my mouth. I also use my microwave as a gourmet time warp oven that will expediently deliver a once-complicated dish right to my face.

#lordknows I love my microwave. If you’re a regular parent with a pulse, you probably use your microwave all the time. You may present your toddler with a wonderful three-course meal that he refuses to touch for 20 minutes as he stares zombie-like at Sesame Street playing across the room. Once he realizes that he is hungry, his potatoes and broccoli are ice cold, and he certainly isn’t happy. Thank you, microwave, you made it all better.

If you want to impress your family and friends, as is my goal in life, you can make your microwave the main attraction. Sure, the microwave has the potential to completely obliterate any item you put in it if you don’t pay attention to what you are doing—but fortunately for you, these recipes are really easy, so I doubt you’ll screw them up. What I mean to say is, don’t screw them up. Your family dinner depends on it.

Here are five surprisingly-easy-yet-surprisingly-awesome microwave dinners that you can make for your restless family tonight. Save your leftovers and heat them up again tomorrow, and you’ve killed two birds with one stone:

1. This Piping Hot MICROWAVE LOADED BAKED POTATO SOUP Will Be Ready In 1.5 TiVoed Episodes of Seinfeld.

kraftrecipes.com

kraftrecipes.com

2. Gordon Ramsey Called, And He Wants To Bitch At You About Your MICROWAVE RISOTTO.

allrecipes.com

allrecipes.com

3. My Name Is Betty Crocker, And I Fully Endorse This MICROWAVE RAVIOLI CASSEROLE.

bettycrocker.com

bettycrocker.com

4. I Want To Shamelessly Binge On This Super Easy MICROWAVE SAUSAGE AND MUSHROOM PILAF.

casaveneracion.com

casaveneracion.com

5. MICROWAVE + PEANUT BUTTER + FUDGE = Yes, Please!

confessionsofacookbookqueen.com

confessionsofacookbookqueen.com

(Image: AlenD/Shutterstock)