pigMy kids are way too young to get pets yet since my oldest is only two, but I’m already gathering my facts and creating my arguments for the trial-by-jury that is sure to come.

When I was little, I had tons of pets. All I can say to that is: Thank you, divorce. My mom willingly admits that she got us all kinds of fuckity rodents that tried to escape and eat our faces in the night—all because she felt guilty that we came from a broken home.

So I guess the rodent parade was kind of cool, until our guinea pig got lice, and my sister murdered one of her hamsters, and another tiny mouse died under the refrigerator. It is precisely this chain of events that has brought me where I am today. I hate rodents so very much, and I don’t care who knows. I would rather my kids sleep in a pit of a thousand non-poisonous snakes than ever bring a God-awful guinea pig into our house.

But that’s just me. Sure, I’m biased, but I’m formulating a plan to convince my kids that my husband is allergic to cats and rodents. They can have almost anything else under the sun, I swear!

Here are 10 terrible pets that I will never, ever allow under my roof:

1.    Cat: My husband really is allergic, and I am NOT a cat person. #sorrynotsorry 

 2.    Guinea Pig = LICE!

3.    Hamsters: Aka, sick motherfuckers that eat their young.

4.    Gerbil: Known for dying under the refrigerator.

5.    Mice: Known for escaping and hiding in cereal boxes.

6.    Rat: A species that should not exist.

7.    Ferret: A big, gross rat—no matter how much you try to church it up.

8.    Parakeets: Known to kick shit everywhere and never shut up.

9.    Parrot: Known to outlive you, and that is just creepy.

10. Goldfish = IMMINENT DEATH.