Busy Parents Who Schedule Sex, Do What You Gotta Do

sexy

The word on the street is that you will stop having sex as soon as you have a baby. I guess in a way this is great because it is an automatic form of birth control. But many couples aren’t cool with a dusty vag that is put to no use after popping out a baby.

Where is the balance? How are you supposed to find enough time to sleep in order to muster up enthusiasm about the P-in-the-V? Maybe you fall into the category of so many parents today who are both working full-time jobs. Between shuttling the kids to daycare, working all day long, running errands, and attempting to make dinner, life is busy, busy, busy. When push comes to shove, sleep is much better than sex. We can probably all agree on that one.

My husband and I both work at home, so we have some time on our hands. We are still both tired and drained at the end of the day, but we talk openly about our sex life. We’re not ravaging each other every single day, but we both feel satisfied with the frequency of sex in our relationship.

60% of other couples have come up with a different solution. The only way to make sure that sex fits on your plate is to schedule it, plain and simple:

Danielle Jiggens, a 34-year-old stay-at-home mum, lives in Hertford with her husband, Mark, 39, who works in security.

They have two children, Hunter, 17 months, and Layla, two months.

Sometimes our alarm goes off at 5am. Not because anyone has to get up for work that early. And it’s not like I don’t dream of more sleep. I do – all the time.

No, 5am is passion time!

That might seem extreme but with Mark working often unsociable hours, my mad life with two children under two and our out-of-sync body clocks, if we didn’t plan it we’d never have it!

The funny thing is that the Danielle and Mark in the story sound a lot like my husband Mark and me. Like Danielle and Mark, we were crazy enough to have two kids under two, just 16 months apart. I can tell you from personal experience that Danielle and Mark are GD exhausted and probably bitch at each other about whose turn it is to change the next dirty diaper. Hardly the stuff sexual fantasies are made of.

Sex requires a concentrated effort, especially if you have one or more small children at home. My husband and I haven’t yet gotten to the point of scheduling sex, but I don’t see anything wrong with it. If you can barely keep your head on straight, scheduled sex is probably the only way you’re going to get laid.

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
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    • Kay_Sue

      We schedule two days a week. Wednesday is Hump Day, and Saturday is Nakey Night (my mom has the kids). We actually have it more now that we schedule it. It’s like knowing we will have it those days takes the pressure off and makes it happen more spontaneously other days too. We have been doing it (pun–get it, get it?) for just over a year with pretty good results. I’d say a normal week now is three or four times, and we are both much, much more relaxed. :-P

      • Valerie

        Lol at Nakey Night. Saturday is usually a good night for us too- we drink a little and, you know. The best was one recent night where the kids were with my parents and we drank more than usual and the next morning, I went to play Pandora and saw a “Sex Music” station plugged in. I must have been trying it out the night before but I didn’t remember typing it in. Hahahaha.

      • Kay_Sue

        Nakey Night is awesome. My husband named it. My mom calls her night with the kids “Nanny Night”, so it makes it funnier to us. ;)

      • Robotic Socks

        When are you gonna invite M’ishers to your Nakey Night???

        >:(

      • Kay_Sue

        I think my mister would have an issue with that. Trade secrets. ;)

      • Robotic Socks

        He won’t mind as long as the unpenised to penised ratio is favorable to him.

      • Bethany Ramos

        Hahahha

      • Bethany Ramos

        See, now we are like 1-2x a month, but we talk about it often and are both happy. Also, SO tired most of the time!

      • Kay_Sue

        Our kids are older than yours. That is the real secret. ;)

      • Bethany Ramos

        More boning is in my future…

      • Kay_Sue

        Massive amounts. And according to my parents, it only gets better when they leave for college.

      • Valerie

        Totally. We have gotten much better since our kids got older. When Ben was a baby and Claire was a toddler we weren’t nearly so regular- Ben didn’t sleep more than 3-hour stretches until he was past a year old. :-( Made things tough for a while!

      • Kendra

        Thank you, for making me feel more normal and less….well…80 years old or something.

      • Bethany Ramos

        Welcome!

      • Sara610

        We also don’t have sex very often–sometimes as rarely as once or twice a month and very occasionally even less than that. It’s due to a variety of factors–our daughter’s a toddler, it’s still painful for me (I’m working on that), I work full-time and my husband’s finishing his PhD and literally working almost every waking moment, etc. For now, I’m okay with not having sex that often. We just make sure not to ever let it completely go away–occasionally is fine, never is not.

        But we do find that when we schedule a weekly “sex day”, yes, it really does help. It takes some of the pressure off, and ironically enough, it actually helps us to be more spontaneous in some ways.

      • Kendra

        My daughter is also a toddler, and we both work full-time. More than anything else, I have a REALLY low drive whenever I’m on birth control.

      • Spongeworthy

        This made me feel better too. We both work full time, my husband’s schedule changes a lot, and we have a 2 year old. Sometimes I feel bad about it. But we do talk about it and I think we both realize that this is just a time in our relationship where the sex may not be as often as it was, and that’s ok.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        This is really good to know. We’re um morning people but we’re not actually morning people and we only get overnight babysitting like once every few months.

      • val97

        Hahaha. We have almost the same schedule: hump day and at least once on the weekend. I like the name nakey night – might have to steal it. When we got married, we made a secret vow to never go longer than a week without sex (with exceptions for illness, travel, post-baby recovery, etc).

      • Kay_Sue

        No need to steal it–I share it freely. ;)

        We have a similar arrangement and the same exceptions. I think it is one of those things couples has to find out for themselves.

    • Valerie

      If this works for some people I see nothing wrong with it. I just know it would never work for me. I am the kind of girl where spontaniety is part of getting me going. Like, I want my husband to initiate because he is interested in me- not because its a certain hour on the clock. I mean, I could never get excited for a Sexy Time message popping up on my Outlook calendar.

      • Kay_Sue

        Outlook is old school. We put it on our shared Gmail family calendar. :-P

      • Valerie

        My husband is so not techy at all. I use Outlook for work. :-)

      • Kay_Sue

        I am a Gmail addict. It is a problem.

      • Robotic Socks

        OOOH, now I’m gonna stalk you on G+

        be right BRB!

      • Kay_Sue

        Confession: I can’t figure out G+ to actually use it. I love the mail and the calendar though!!! ;)

      • Robotic Socks

        Give me your Google loggin and password and I’ll set it up for you

        :D

        **runs away!!!!

      • Valerie

        PRYING!

      • Robotic Socks

        With Kay?

        Can’t blame me ;P

      • Kay_Sue

        I may look young but I did not, in fact, fall off the turnip truck yesterday. ;)

      • Robotic Socks

        ppsshh, duh! He still listens to DMB

      • Valerie

        Right?!

      • Kendra

        Me too. So much this. If I’m not feeling it, it’s probably not happening.

      • JLH1986

        I have friends of friends who schedule sex (they have triplets and an older son). One night while drinking during book club she filled us in. They have “sex dates” on Sunday and Wednesday. Because spontaneity is important to them they don’t have times per se, but they both know that it’s happening those two days a week for sure. She claims it helps make sure they are still connecting physically without it feeling like another chore and that once they started that, most weeks they actually have sex more than that. So I guess they found a happy compromise? I remember reading about a couple a few years back who actually put in their prenup that they would have sex x number of times a week to ensure that they stayed connected. Whatever works I guess!

      • Valerie

        Oh totally, whatever works. I just know that for me, it probably wouldn’t. :-) Even when were were “trying to conceive” for our kids I hated the idea that we HAD to do it on certain days- I would try hard not to even let my husband know that was the case because he is the same way I am. We would both have trouble getting it up. :-)

      • JLH1986

        HA HA. We are struggling to conceive. And at this point it’s not fun anymore so we took a break…and I’m pretty sure I’m just gonna leave out the “it’s time” chat when we start trying again. He never paid much attention to it anyway, so he won’t figure out if it’s the “right” day or not!

      • Valerie

        :-( I am very sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine it is easy to have scheduled sex for months without the result you want. I really hope it happens for you soon.

      • JLH1986

        Thanks. On the plus side we got very very good at practicing. lol even when it wasn’t fun…lol

    • PrairieCoast

      Wow. I would never ever wake up earlier than I had to to have sex. Never. Not ever. Nope. Glad it works for them!

      • Bethany Ramos

        5am is so early!!

      • That_Darn_Kat

        When I was in high school, and had unlimited energy, I would wake up at 4:30 to go jogging with my mom. Now, if I have to wake up at 4:30 so I can take hubby to work and have the car, I’m exhausted and drained for the rest of the day. And to include vigorous exercise that early? No thank you!

      • MegzWray

        My hubs tried to put his “moves” (ie., wanna have sex? Pleeeeease?) on me at 3am today. nope. Nopy Nope. Sleepy time.

      • Spongeworthy

        Seriously. My husband and I wake up for work at 445am. Get up earlier than that if I don’t have to? NOPE.

      • Bethany Ramos

        YOUR USER NAME IS THE BEST THING EVER!

      • Spongeworthy

        Haha thanks! Elaine Benes is my spirit animal.

    • That_Darn_Kat

      My husband has to get up at 4:15 am to get ready for work, so morning sex is out during the weekday. We try to make a point to have some adult time weekend mornings (yes, both) while the kids are enjoying breakfast and cartoons, and we attempt some adult time during the weekdays before bed, but that one depends on how our day has gone. We try for 4 out of 7 days, which I think it pretty good. Our kids are 5 and 7, our bedroom door doesn’t lock, and we have 2 hours from when the kids go to bed to when he goes to bed. During that 2 hours, we have to try to fit in gaming/tv time, as well as adult time, and sometimes there’s homework (for us) that doesn’t get completed during the time the kids are awake, so that has to happen, too. Geez, maybe we should schedule time during the week…

    • Kendra

      I recently learned the other day that everyone in the world is apparently having more sex than me. I’m fine with this.

    • keetakat

      3:00 am is the only time I’m even remotely open to the idea: Children are out, I’ve had some rest and I can still go back to sleep for an hour or 2 when it’s all over. *sigh*

    • Robotic Socks

      I think something got squirted into Jenn Anniston’s eyes?

      • Valerie

        Yeah. Or she’s having a stroke.

    • Ashie

      I find each time I have kid that once they reach a year old, sexy time is back. No more nursing, no more late nights with babies. We do schedule sex, but usually it’s at least 3 times a week.

      • Robotic Socks

        No more “Daddy, why are you on top of mommy? And my baby sitter?”

    • Alex Lee

      “Boys want sex in the morning” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RCHqMPro7M

      • Bethany Ramos

        LOL!

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    • SA

      UGH. It is so difficult. I am an early to bed early to rise-r and hubs is a night owl/insomniac (actually I have insomnia too, but it usually hits around 2am hence the early to bed/rise). We also only have one day off together and designate that day’s nap time as sexy time but sometimes we just want to nap ourselves or catch up on R movies and HBO series! Sad to admit that our ‘stories’ win out more often than not.