The 9 Types Of Parents You’ll Meet At Your Neighborhood’s Egg Hunt

shutterstock_51110500When our family lived in apartments, I was extremely jealous of the house-dwellers in their master-planned communities with their master-planned community events. Not content to simply go trick-or-treating at the mall with the rest of the huddled masses, I started to sneak into communities where I knew I wouldn’t be found out as a plebian; with some neighborhoods in Texas boasting close to 1000 homes in a single subdivision, I would choose the later phases and dare anybody to ask me my address. (Something Something Ranch Drive. There’s one in every neighborhood)

Unfortunately, I must not have been the only one with this idea because the day I tried to show up for an egg hunt, there was a registration tent where you had to show a utility bill to prove that you lived there. So I had to wait until we moved into the ‘burbs to finally do an egg hunt that didn’t convene at a Jamba Juice kiosk. Far from being what I always dreamed of, the neighborhood egg hunt is actually a window straight into the black heart of man.

You can reach this post's author, Theresa Edwards, on twitter.
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    • Bethany Ramos

      This was soooooo funny. I can’t wait to collect all the tracts my child will get.

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        I vote you try it gladiator style.

      • Valerie

        My daughter did the church egg hunt yesterday and came home with a bunch of Jesus stickers and erasers. I wish she had gotten some chocolate baby Jesus’!

      • Bethany Ramos

        Hahah I’m pretty sure I’ve had chocolate baby Jesus before!

      • Valerie

        I’ve def had a few chocolate crucifixes in my time. But never a chocolate Jesus.

      • neighbor57

        I don’t think they have chocolate BABY Jesus at Easter (that’s Christmas). Shouldn’t it be chocolate dead-and-resurrected Jesus instead?

    • Natasha B

      When we bought our house, we dressed up our oldest in her finest gear and hauled her to the ‘hood Easter egg hunt. Never, ever, ever again. We will gladly haul them to the mall and have their pic taken with the bunny, and the hubs and I schwill liquor ‘Easter Eve’ and hide a gazillion eggs all over the house/backyard, but we will never set foot in a community hunt again. I still can’t un-see the horror.

      • ctpdenver

        Seriously. Also, how much candy do my kids really need? They get enough from relatives as it is.

      • Natasha B

        Right?! And it’s not even ‘good’ candy. We at least fill the kids eggs with the good stuff so we can pig out on it later.

    • K.

      I have a friend who is textbook “The Assistant.” I brought this to her attention once, and she huffed, “Well, he’s only two and he doesn’t UNDERSTAND!!”

      Point taken, but…why does he need to understand?

      I only go to these if they include bellinis.

      • keelhaulrose

        Well, if you push your kids into making this some dumb sporting event where everyone is crazy at two they’ll beg you to skip it by four, and you can stay home and drink bellinis.

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        If you buy one of those canteens that you strap to your back, everything includes bellinis.

      • Valerie

        Or an empty Snapple kiwi-strawberry bottle. Just sayin.

      • K.

        Oh–I don’t really mean ME (I’m technically allergic to alcohol)

        …I mean everyone else. I mean, if *I* had my way, hash would be legal and everybody’d be niiiice and melllllloooowww.

    • Jessica

      Ha, and to think I was considering taking my two-year-old to our neighborhood Easter egg hunt for the first time this year. Perhaps, we’ll just set something up in our backyard instead because this sounds awful. Plus, I hate talking to other parents, so even if it wasn’t awful, I’d probably have to talk to people…and I try to avoid that.

    • keelhaulrose

      My husband calls our event the “Egg-ger Games” because it resembles the gong ringing and everyone running to the cornucopia like their lives depend on it. I don’t disagree. I hate it, but my daughter loves it, so we go.

      • Jessica

        LOL, that is the perfect name for it!

      • keelhaulrose

        Our town holds the hunt on some islands on our lake, a beach-y one and two grassy ones with some trees. My brother wants to take some canoes out with some video cameras to catch the footage and splice it in with footage from the Hunger Games movie and see if anyone notices the difference. It really is a damn madhouse, and I am out of place in the sea of over-achieving parents who, I wish I were lying, have yelled positions of hidden eggs to seven year olds and encouraged snatching away eggs from kids who are reaching for them.

      • AP

        You could be assholes and put inflatable eggs out in the middle of the lake, see how many idiots dive in after them.

        Bring a ring buoy, since you’ll be doing canoe rescues.

      • Jessica

        I wanna hang out with your family!

        Also- wow people, really? Can nothing be just fun? It absolutely spoils it if you tell your kids where to look.

      • Natasha B

        That is perfect! They do a whistle blow here. Our neighbor STILL takes her 12 and 9yo, and they have a crouch and everything down. B*tches be crazy.

    • TngldBlue

      We stopped going to our neighborhood hunt after a 2 year old girl got her arm broken when she was pushed down by an older kid-it was all out anarchy. The candy wasn’t good enough to risk limbs.

    • Megan Zander

      Thank the sweet heavens that there is nothing like this where I live. Besides a sad sad attempt at an annual 4th of July potluck, which I have never attended, we are not a neighborly neighborhood. But I would totally be the bodyguard if we did have one. I like to pretend I’m a chill, laid back mom, but let’s face facts, I’m not.

    • Jessica

      I’m the third one.

    • Valerie

      I will consider my Easter a blazing success if I find a way to work “bibbity boppity back the fuck off” into a conversation.

    • Paul White

      Where’s the “Setting a bad example by drinking too many mimosas” one?

      • Valerie

        This girl right here!

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        If by “setting a bad example…” you mean “teaching valuable life skills” then that’s me.

    • val97

      One year I hosted an adult egg hunt. We had coffee and mimosas. The kids hid the eggs for us (filled with only good stuff, like peanut butter cups). It rained so we had to do the event inside. There is nothing funnier than a bunch of adults (many over 6 ft. tall) running around a small house and pushing each other out of the way in order to win an egg hunt. Some of the attendees were relatives, and we recalled doing the same exact maneuvers when we were 8 years old.

      • Lee

        I hide fancy beers in my yard for the adults. Everyone gets a 6 pack to collect. It is awesome and hilarious. I hid one a little too well last year and we didn’t find it until October.

      • AE Vorro

        Best. Idea. EVER.

    • Megan Zander

      I just had to google ” chick tract” since I’ve never heard of it. These are legit? Like intended to be taken seriously and not as satire? I’m having a little trouble wrapping my mind around them, only because the only time I’ve seen religious handouts is in the city, and not to kids.

      • Paul White

        Yep, they’re real.

      • Rachel Sea

        And don’t forget Testamints, Faith Pops, or Promise Seeds – they share more than just great taste, they share the word of the Lord!

      • Megan Zander

        Wow. What exactly is a promise seed and what happens if you break said promise? Does this have anything to do with promise rings?

      • Rachel Sea

        It’s single-serving pastel candy corn with bible verses on each pack, so that it’s wrapped in a promise of god.

      • Megan Zander

        I really need to visit other parts of the country. AMAZING

      • Rachel Sea

        I’ve never seen them in person, but I subscribe to all the catalogs because they’re free, and more fun than magazines. That means I find out about weird mail-order shit.

      • Tea

        They’re real, one of my husband’s co workers genuinely thinks they’re awesome, too.

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        It’s times like these that I desperately wish I could find that “hittin’ the board for the LORD” gif from Saved.

    • Jessie

      Are community Easter Egg Hunts still actually a thing? I was under the impression that douchepickle parents ruined them for everyone a few years ago.

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        thank you for teaching me douchepickle.

    • JadePanda

      My daughter just turned one, so according to neighborhood rules (?), she is old enough to participate. By participate, I assume they mean sit in the middle of the field, ripping up grass, and trying to eat it. Because that is what’s going to happen.

      But as a noob who never imagined how bizarre parents could be over Dollar Store plastic eggs, is it normal to now be pant-crappingly terrified?

    • Momma425

      One year I was a noob. But…I learned.
      *evil laugh*
      My daughter WILL be winning at the eggs this year!

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      And this is why you hide chocolate treats in your home and call it a day!

      • Paul White

        If buy “hide” you mean wait until the day after Easter and bury the kitchen table in them, sure

    • LiteBrite

      I was “The Noob” at an Easter egg hunt a couple of years ago at a historic landmark in our city. Here I was thinking this was going to be a fun event for the chilluns. WRONG. We were there at 9 a.m. which is bloody early on a Saturday IMHO, the hunt wasn’t divided into age groups which meant the older kids just ran roughshod over the younger ones, and the organizers of the event were pretentious dickheads. Plus my kid HATES people dressed as big furry things, so when he saw the Easter Bunny he was like, “Oh that’s a big hell no” and wanted to go. That was the last of the “organized” hunts for our household for a couple of years.

      But he’s going to a different Easter egg hunt with his grandmother this Saturday, so hopefully it goes a little better this time.

      • Lee

        I was “The Noob” last year. We were separated into age groups and it was still pretty horrifying. It was also over in about 90 seconds even though they put out 5,000 eggs.

      • LiteBrite

        Yeah, the whole “hunt” was over in less than 2 minutes. Boring.

    • Diana

      LANAAAAAAAAA!

    • kay

      We never went to any easter egg hunts. My mom was all “um, or you can do it at home and NOT get trampled or have to share with toddlers”

      Last year we had a dragon pinata and I taught my 4 year old niece to help me make mimosas. My family is awesome at holidays.

    • ctpdenver

      In our neighborhood, there is a kerfuffle every year because the HOA decides to host it at about 9:30. That’s what the sign says “about 9:30″ So, if you show up at 9:30, the whole thing may well be over. That happened to us twice and now we don’t bother. The HOA loves to complain about the low attendance.

      • https://twitter.com/FaintlyXMacabre Theresa Edwards

        No. Absolutely not. Too early.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      We always did ours at home. I didn’t even know neighbourhood hunts were a thing until a few years ago. That might’ve been because my parents were ‘godless heathens’ though.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        I think it’s because most of Canada is bullshit outside around Easter and no sensible person is hunting for eggs in the slushy mud. Everyone I knew had the hunt at their own house.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        That’s a good point! I have this weird fascination with odd little differences between the US and Canada (like how we get our milk in bags and how americans call toques “beanies”). And sometimes all that’s responsible for said differences is our awful weather.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        Like always removing your shoes before entering the house. I’ve never gone to a party where I didn’t ask if I should take off my shoes and then happily do so if the answer was yes. Which means the American shows where this is considered an uptight and weird thing to do makes no sense to me. Everybody here does it! And it’s due to the weather.
        I had an immigrant from I can’t remember where attend a party at my apartment several years ago and she was weirded out when I pointed out where to leave her shoes. I wound up giving her my personal slippers because she seemed so put out. Everyone else was in socks and had removed their shoes on their own accord.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Dude, are you inside my head? I was literally just thinking this morning about how weird it is how no one on TV ever takes their shoes off when they are home. I was laughing to myself about people walking around their homes wearing shoes. But that actually happens??? It’s not just a TV thing??? Why…why wouldn’t you take your shoes off? Even in good weather, they could have all sorts of weird crap on the bottom. I found a bandaid stuck to the bottom of my shoe once, and it definitely wasn’t mine.

      • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

        It truly is a thing. When I went to the UK, I visited some family. They all wore shoes inside. And they had carpet. It boggled my mind and I couldn’t get fully comfortable. It was like having a coat on indoors, plus I couldn’t stop thinking about all the outdoor debris lodged in the carpeting.
        Though it does give a reason why some people are so up in arms over feet on the coffee table or the couch. If you’re wearing shoes, that’s plain gross.

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        You just blew my mind.

    • goblynn

      After a few encounters with Assistants, I played Bodyguard for my little ones (we’re talking barely walking age, so it was a lot of whoa-don’t-fall and look-at-the-egg-you-re-basically-standing-on) and we gave up when they got older. Too many kids snatching things from under their hands in the name of being “winner”–so we just do our own hunts at home, like we did growing up.

      My parents, however, do two hunts: one for the grandchildren, and one for us (grown kids and spouses). YEARS of my parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles watching 20-somethings run around like idiots, and lots of laughter all-around. It can’t be beat.

    • Shelly Lloyd

      Now that my kids are teens, there are times when I miss the silly things we use to do when they were younger. But the Easter egg massacre is not one of them.

    • ATLWmn

      I get that sideline preachers are super annoying and pretentious, but Easter IS a pretty important religious holiday, not just one for handing out more candy and toys to already-spoiled children (how many gifting holidays are there nowadays??). So with that in mind, you’ve got to expect a little Jesus talk on that day.

    • koolchicken

      I’m a Noob, but an educated Noob. My kid has yet to partake in the death march they call the Egg Hunt. He’s 16 months yet lots of younger cousins and a very good memory leaves me knowing exactly what goes on at these things. I’m not letting him get bulldozed by some 3rd grader with bloodlust in his eyes. Maybe once he’s old enough to ask, but not now. I’d like him to attend Easter services without the black eye.