As If Graham Crackers Weren’t Enough, Satan Is Now Using Legos To Seduce Our Children

Oh my. What is a parent to do? It’s hard to keep up with all the ways Satan is trying to infiltrate the lives of our children. First, he used graham crackers and now Legos? When will it end, dark master of the underworld?

A Polish priest, Father Slawomir Kostrzewa, claims the Danish company has clearly sold its corporate soul to the devil himself, as evidenced by the line of Monster Fighters and Zombies. What happened to the toy farms and friendly schoolhouse of yore?

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“Friendly fellows have been replaced by dark monsters,” he explained. “These toys can have a negative effect on children. They can destroy their souls and lead them to the dark side.”

The priest also cited research by New Zealand’s University of Canterbury that found the  expressions the Lego figures make have become angrier over the years. Grimace face = evil. Or actually, it’s the opposite. He thinks the evil figures look menacingly smug and the others look like they are suffering. Hmm. I think Cabbage Patch Kids and American Girl Dolls are way scarier than these Lego figures. But that’s just me.

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“These are just blocks,” retorted Monika Filipowska, a psychologist interviewed by the Super Express newspaper. “Linking them to Satan is just wrong, and all that will happen is that children will be afraid of them now.”

I agree with her. I think making monsters into toys makes the idea of “monsters” less scary. It’s why I love Monster’s Inc. and any other show that makes monsters lovable. The faces on these Lego characters may not be “lovable,” but kids have been playing with scary monsters forever. Vampires and zombies are all the rage. Of course Lego is going to get a piece of that.

This isn’t the first time this priest has claimed Satan is in the toys: “Hello Kitty and My Little Pony have also come under his scrutiny, with the latter being described as a ‘carrier of death’.” Yes, nothing says “death” like a pink pony with rainbow hair and a tattoo of a heart on its butt.

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    • Kay_Sue

      Come to the Dark Side, children. We have cookies and Legos.

      Really though, any parent that has ever stepped on a Lego would tell you–and I can speak from experience–that even the most basic Lego building block was constructed by Satan himself in order to relinquish the most awful obscenity laced phrases from you it possibly can.

      • Robotic Socks
      • Kay_Sue

        I feel like I should be surprised that someone took the time to figure that out…but I’m not.

      • Robotic Socks

        Yet, no one’s figured out a matching female version

        :(

        Yellow —> Blue

      • Kay_Sue

        I kinda wanna go see if I can find some blue pieces and make that happen……..

      • Robotic Socks

        :D glad you got that joke.

      • Robotic Socks

        Paul, y u no upvote me?
        ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
        Bastard!

      • Paul White

        missed ya :P
        But….if that was what mine looked like I’d find a doctor. That angle is OWCH

      • Robotic Socks

        It’s a college lego man.

        by the time he has 3 kids, he’ll be lucky if it’s horizontal

      • Valerie

        We are both so needy with the upvotes.

      • Robotic Socks

        That’s the main reason I’m on M’ish

      • Valerie

        To increase your upvotes? Wow, I feel used!

      • shel

        Not cookies, we have Graham Crackers!

      • Kay_Sue

        Excellent point. We have Graham Crackers and Legos.

      • keelhaulrose

        Oreos have notoriously supported equal-rights for LGBT persons, so, yes, cookies, too!

      • shel

        Oh, that’s right… I loved the rainbow cookie!!
        Come to the Dark side, we have all the things!!

    • Mystik Spiral

      This is why Satan is winning… He has all the cool snacks and toys.

    • keelhaulrose

      I’m looking at the One Million Mom’s website, and devising a list of things I must buy/watch just to continue pissing them off.
      Oh, they’re going after Family Guy. They shouldn’t poke that sleeping dragon, of they’re going to be viciously torn apart in 2D format.

      • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

        I wish some more nutritious foods would make commercials that piss off OMM, I’m going to make myself sick on all these Oreos and graham crackers. :(

      • Kay_Sue

        This needs to be an article on Mommyish. A comprehensive list so that we can all patronize these brands and keep OMM talking. I mean, it’s a win-win to support equality and also hopefully provide fodder for future hilarious columns.

      • Maria Guido

        Good idea.

      • Paul White

        well, new Family Guy does kind of suck…

      • Robotic Socks

        BRIAN!!!!!!! :(

      • scooby23

        Man, if I bought everything that A Handful of Nutjobs (or AHON) denounced, I’d have no room left over in my house.
        Makes you wonder what their children are allowed to have/watch. Are they only allowed paper sacks for wearing, gruel, and Veggie Tales?

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden
    • noodlestein

      “…can lead to the dark side.” Really? I mean, really? This is a random Polish priest we’re talking about here, right? Not Yoda? Okay, then.

    • RayneofCastamere

      Finding out that they’re controversial is going to make children want them MORE. That’s why all I wanted for my 9th birthday was Appetite for Destruction. (I got it, by the way. So long as I didn’t actually curse or act up, my parents didn’t care what I watched or heard.)

    • Alex Lee

      And who is the most-famous zombie of all?

      Jesus.

      • Kay_Sue

        I’m now rewriting Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in my head…”But do you recaaaaaallll…the most famous zombie of all…”

        Thank you for that.

    • Sri
    • Alex Lee

      Not stopping at Lego and Graham crackers, Pat Robertson goes full-auto declaring ONLINE TRANSACTIONS as the mark of the beast:

      http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2014/04/03/pat-robertson-buying-stuff-by-computer-is-the-mark-of-the-beast/

      Bitcoins be damned

    • scooby23

      EVIlL! EVERYTHING IS EVIL!!!! NOTHING IS SAFE!!! EVIL! EVIL for EVERYONE! WOULD YOU LIKE SOME EVIL?!?! HOW ABOUT SOME EVIL WITH A SIDE OF EVIL? THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!!

      • keetakat

        I read your post backwards and it totally told me to buy monster legos and live live live!!!!

      • scooby23

        Subliminal messages, they are coming to youuuu!

      • keetakat

        Eeeeeeeeeek!

      • paulabflat

        hah!
        life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. aunti mame

      • keetakat

        Hi Paul! Right? It’s like a weird sort of emotional self-deprivation… makes no sense at all. And it’s crazy how many people I know that deliberately divest themselves of perfectly ordinary items or experiences simply because they feel guilty for experiencing joy in any form…wait…did that make sense?

      • paulabflat

        paula.
        no matter how we pleaded, my mother never had one bite of a pizza because she said it couldn’t be good.
        like that, right? course, my mom was raised during the depression and sacrifice was normal to her, she could do without almost anything; not one sinister bone or motive in her towards others enjoyment.
        can’t say the same for the current crop of self-deprivers.

      • keetakat

        Sorry, Paula! My mistake. No, you make a very good point. Among my Grandmother’s generation — children during the Depression — and even people today who are raised to be able to do without, there is a general “conception” about others seeming inability to do without (my g’mom thought the TV generation was woefully unable to slow down and think things through and was relatively certain her generation was smarter for not being subjected to TV). I have zero problem with that. Her perspective wasn’t one of deliberate and unnecessary sacrifice using a false-rationalization that was then used to deprive other people. She could see both sides without forcing her view on anyone else…. I should also mention, she was a huge “Golden Girls” fan. Oh, the irony.

      • paulabflat

        i sort of agree with your g’mom. though television was certainly a part of my life, so were many other things. dial telephones. that’s what we had. phonograph. it’s what i still prefer, that hiss of the needle. meh. a “you kids go on without me” kinda thing. slowing down is one of the joys of being elderly.
        there are many, many more sides than both. we’re using the wrong word. all sides.
        “well, let’s set the scene. have we been drinking?” blanche devereaux

      • keetakat

        One of my all time favorite movies!

        Having kids of my own and watching how difficult it is for them to slow down and pay attention to details…I have to admit, G’mom was kind of spot on about the TV. I so started out wanting to keep our house TV-free…it lasted mmmm… 3 days?

      • paulabflat

        you don’t have to watch television on your television. put something in the dvd player, something useful, something enriching, something instructive, something they won’t/haven’t/can’t get from networks or cable. hide the remotes first.

        devereaux. not dubois. and i also too enjoy that movie.

    • Rowan

      I have all of the Monster Fighters sets. I’m going to buuuurrrrrrrn!

    • FemelleChevalier

      You heard that, dad? I’m going to hell because you keep buying me Legos!