• Tue, Apr 1 - 8:00 am ET

Man Allowed Hyenas To Eat His Junk In Worst Get Rich Quick Scheme Ever

Hyenas Ate Mans GenitalsAt Mommyish Enterprisesâ„¢ in order to report hard-hitting news to you loyal readers, I also have to have a parenting angle â„¢ to the stories I report, so here it goes: I will never tell my own children that in order to achieve great wealth that they should go out into the Malawi bush naked and let hyenas eat their genitalia in order to make bank. That’s one thing as a parent I will not do. Because that’s not the best way to earn money.

But according to your best friends forever at the Daily Mail, that’s exactly what happened to Chamangeni Zulu, a young man who dropped trou and the rest of his garments and went into the bush and let hyenas eat parts of his body, including his manhood, because a witch doctor told him he would get rich. Via The Daily Mail:

‘I met some business persons who told me the best way to become rich was to sacrifice parts of my body,’ he told the paper.

At around 4am on Monday last week, the man went into the Zambian bush.

Mr Zulu said: ‘I was instructed to be naked and a hyena came to me and started eating my toes and eventually my manhood was eaten.’

Mr Zulu said that the witch doctor did not make it clear that his body parts would be ‘lost’.

Yet despite the horrific ordeal, Mr Zulu admitted he was still hopeful of becoming rich.

‘Even if I have lost some important parts of my body, I still want to get rich,’ he said.

This story makes no sense to me because I think when the hyenas start eating your toes you probably say I’m getting the fuck out of here before they travel upwards to eat anything else. The sad aspect of this story is that if it is indeed true, that there are people out in this world who believe this sort of thing and this poor young guy will probably not end up with a big fat bank account, but a big fat medical bill after his recovery.

(Image:Daniel Alvarez/shutterstock)

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  • B

    April Fools?

  • Megan Zander

    I don’t buy it. They eat his toes and his cash n prizes, and then just scamper off, ” gee thanks, we’re full.” Wouldn’t they be all ” human YUM” and kill him? I do however love this article for the phrase ” drop trou.” Making it my month mission to bring that back.

    • Alex Lee

      +1 for “cash n prizes”

      Never watching “The Price Is Right” the same way again.

  • pixie

    Um…ouch?

  • Tiffany

    Literally, the first thing I read today was an article about a hyena eating a guy’s junk. I might as well go back to bed. Nothing is going to top this today. Ouch.

  • keelhaulrose

    Can you sue a witch doctor for malpractice? That’s the only way someone might get any kind of money out of this.

  • Williwaw

    Even if you he did somehow get rich out of this, it’s not like you can grow toes back. Or junk.

  • Tea

    Witch doctors also say the body parts of albino people have magical powers.

    Put the knife down, guys.

  • Robotic Socks

    He can still make money. Sue the Witch Doctor and collect his Malpractice Insurance money!

  • tk88

    I’m more shocked the hyenas didn’t finish the meal.

    • Alex Lee

      “Choking the Hyena” should be a euphemism for something.

      Paging UrbanDictionary…

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  • Liz

    Maybe someone will purchase the rights to this story and make a movie out of it? That’s probably where the most money out of this is, unless it turns out witch doctors can be sued for malpractice.