100 Things Pregnant Women Should Never, Ever, Ever Eat

 

things pregnant women should never eat 1: Raw meat.

2: Raw eggs.

3: Raw cookie dough.

4: Raw cookie dough even if it contains three different kinds of chocolate chip varieties.

5: Raw oysters.

6: Sharks.

7: Dryer lint.

8: A grilled cheese sandwich that they were looking very forward to eating but they had to pee in the middle of making it so they left it on the stove on high and it got badly burnt and all the cheese ran out the sides of the sandwich and the bread turned black.

9: Shoelaces.

10: Gas station sushi.

11: Poison.

12: Live raccoons.

13: Stuff that contains listeria.

14: Tacks.

15: Homemade eggnog.

16: Razor blades.

17: Food with mud on it.

18: Brie.

19: Leftover Brie from a cocktail party.

20: Dirty diapers.

21:Crack cocaine.

22: Food they don’t like.

23: Raw eggs they collected from a chicken that wandered into their yard.

24: Tide laundry detergent pods.

25: Poisonous spiders.

26: MDMA.

26: Lightbulbs.

27: Kittens.

28: Anything out of the recycling bin.

29: Matches.

30: Basketballs.

31: The food in the back of the refrigerator from two weeks ago that was in the tupperware container.

32: Legos.

33: The sad candy.

34: Coffee grounds.

35: Magnets.

36: The pizza that the pizza place got wrong. Just call them and make them fix it.

37: Father-in-Law ejaculate.

38: Ants.

39: Lye.

40: Flaming shots.

41: Over 12 ounces of salmon in one sitting.

42: Makeup.

43: Hand puppets.

44: Potato salad that has been sitting in the hot August sun for five hours.

45: Homemade moonshine.

46: Gasoline.

47: Food with mold on it.

48: Generic corn from a can they are too tired to heat up.

49: Puppies.

50: Grass or weeds.

51: The last swill from yesterday’s smoothie left in the car cup holder overnight.

52: One of those hermit crabs with a Disney’s Cars movie painted on the side of it to make it look like a Cars character.

53: Someone’s hair.

54: The wrapper from a Big Mac.

55: Cotton balls soaked in orange juice.

56: Kleenex followed by a drink of orange juice.

57: Vomit.

58: Their co-workers yogurt that has a post-it note on it that reads “Please don’t eat my yogurt.”

59: Meth.

60: A live sheep.

61: An elephant.

62: Broken glass.

63: Cereals of two vastly different varieties mixed together. (ex. stale Raisin Bran and a handful of Crunchberries)

64: Scorpions. (Not the band)

65: The last of the ice cream without telling someone in the house to purchase more ice cream.

66: Banjos.

67: Six Jello shots.

68: Calgon bath salts.

69: The drugs known as bath salts that make you eat people’s faces.

70: People’s faces.

71: The leftovers in the refrigerator contained in a tinfoil swan that your partner told you they were really, really looking forward to eating. Get permission first.

72: Raw cake batter, even the kind with funfetti.

73: A recipe you made off of Pinterest that smells like barf.

74: Nails and screws.

75: Brillo scouring pads.

76: Five tubes of toothpaste.

77: Cat hair.

78: Microwave rice because no one will take them to get some motherfucking french toast.

79: Live alligators.

80: Fritos without onion dip.

81: Things women diagnosed with Pica eat that their doctors are working with them not to eat.

82: Flowers bulbs.

83: Heroin.

84: Q-tips.

85: Lox and bagels and listeria.

86: Milk from a cow that isn’t pasteurized.

87: Gum they find under subway seats.

88: An order of nachos they were badly craving that was made with refried beans when they specifically told their server not to include the refried beans.

89: Rotten food.

90: 20 shots of espresso a day.

91: Paint thinner.

92: Mice.

93: Anything someone hands them and says “Taste this. It’s really bad.”

94: Something that looks creepy.

95: Lunch meat past the expiration date.

96: Fine art.

97: A sandwich that fell into the cat litter box.

98: Tampons.

99: Snowglobes.

100: Their other children.

(Image: taramara78/shutterstock)

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    • Kay_Sue

      64: Scorpions. (Not the band)

      *raises hand* Does this mean that it is, in fact, okay to eat Scorpions, the band? I am asking for a friend.

      • koreander

        Don’t eat them, make them play at the baby shower instead!

      • Kay_Sue

        I don’t know…sometimes I have these cravings to eat people that are hard to ignore. I make no promises. It would be a difficult scenario to be in, because I’d love to have “Rock You Like a Hurricane” at my baby shower. It’s one of those situations that makes me glad that I never intend to be pregnant again.

      • K.

        Yes, but you have a problem if one of the guys is your FIL, per rule #37.

        So:
        Scorpions (the band) – OK
        Scorpions (the band), including your FIL – NOT ok

        Don’t forget!

      • Kay_Sue

        Dually noted!

      • Robotic Socks

        New pic!

        You should shave your fingers.

      • Kay_Sue

        I know. It’s a problem. But I kind of like my mustached digits.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Cilantrooooo.

      • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

        coffee >> screen

      • Melissa

        My parents were just telling me the other day how much they hate cilantro, and couldn’t figure out why I thought that was funny (and kind of a relief).

      • Bethany Ramos

        Lol!

      • Robotic Socks

        Wait, I thought Cliantroooo when pregnant was a healthy alternative…

        So I’ve been told.

      • Williwaw

        No, cilantro helps you avoid pregnancy.

      • Robotic Socks

        Have you tested this theory?

      • Bethany Ramos

        Words out of my mouth!

      • Tk

        Up the bum no baby

    • K.

      I did some reading and concluded I was okay with the risks and consumed:
      brie (in America)
      sushi & seafood
      coffee
      alcohol
      lox
      salads
      …and like a bunch of other things on this list.

      I’m pretty sure that eating my co-worker’s yogurt probably would have posed a bigger threat on my life and that of my unborn child’s, so I steered clear of that.

    • http://fakegeekmom.com Aimee Ogden

      I see puppies, kittens, mice, etc. are on the list. Important question: is it safe to eat ONE puppy, or ONE kitten?

      I am really super duper excited for the nitpickers to arrive at this article and explain how, um, you DO know that you can’t eat potato salad left out in June or July either, right?

      • AmazingE

        I suppose you could eat half of each and still be safe, but don’t wrap the leftovers in a tinfoil swan.

      • Williwaw

        You can eat potato salad left out in June or July, but only until February. After February, it tends to get a little gamey.

    • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

      No fine art? Pfft, as if.

    • AmazingE

      38:Ants. When covered in chocolate, they really are quite tasty, and as I understand it a good source of both iron and protein, even without the chocolate. And as far as 71 goes, the rule in my house is anything like that gets 24 hours (sometimes 48, I’m not a monster) before it becomes fair game for anyone else in the house. We don’t mess around when it comes to leftovers in this house, especially ones in tinfoil animals.

    • candyvines

      Number 37 is so creepy.

    • Jennifer Freeman

      How rigid is the guideline on #26? Are we talking like NO MDMA at all? Or is it OK in moderation?

    • Valerie

      What about vodka-soaked tampons?

      • Robotic Socks

        Goes good with Beths’ Cilantroooo

      • Valerie

        Good eatin’ right thar.

      • Robotic Socks

        So it sounds like you like tossed salad

      • Valerie

        I never partake in cilantro myself. But in theory, yes, I suppose.

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      #37 ewwwwwwwww

    • Alex Lee
      • Valerie

        Oh God.

    • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

      You can’t eat raw cookie dough, but you can eat Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough ice cream.

      That’s important to know.

    • Williwaw

      Can you eat kittens rolled in cookie dough and broken glass and deep-fried in moonshine?

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Thanks now I’m hungry :(

    • Maria Guido

      Um, you forgot cotton balls and post-it notes.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        I did not forget cotton balls #55

      • jannaM

        You definitely forget any sense of decency. I mean, some of them are amusing, but #37… Really???

    • AE Vorro

      My mom ate a lot of gas station sushi when I was in utero. Explains a lot.

    • waffre

      I make hot homemade eggnog — in other words the eggs are cooked, which also has the benefit of making it much tastier (it’s basically liquid custard).

      Also, what is up with #37? I feel like I missed something, plus I’m grossed out now.

    • Zettai

      I miss over-medium eggs so much it’s not even funny. Every morning I argue with myself about risking it or not, then chicken out. (Pun not intended, but eh, it’s alright.)

      • EX

        Just posted this elsewhere but they now make eggs pasteurized in the shell. They’re called “safest choice” (not sure if there are other brands). I was so happy to find these during my second pregnancy. I love runny eggs so I used these a lot. Also come in handy if you like to lick the spoon when baking! They tasted just like regular eggs. Get yourself some and dig in to those runny eggs!

      • Zettai

        Thanks! I had no idea these existed.

    • abby

      What is the point of this article?

      • candyvines

        Jocularity.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        Edu-ma-cation

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        FEATURED

      • Bethany Ramos

        I personally was unaware of #37 until now.

      • Valerie

        Yeah, I had no idea my daily shoelaces and flower bulb salad could be harmful to a fetus.
        #noted

      • EX

        To provide valuable information to expectant mothers?

    • Elisa Probert

      Live raccoons are my FAVORITE! Awfully hard to catch though. I need a good coonhound.

      NOBODY should ever eat the last of the ice cream without arranging for the purchase of more. Especially if it’s Blue Bunny Double Strawberry.

    • Kat

      Best part of this article, all the pregnant women unable to think for themselves and trust their instincts who are lead to this obvious satire when they Google “what not to eat during pregnancy”. Grab the popcorn folks, it is about to get hilarious with comments from those with no sense of humor (or an independent thought in their brain).

    • Courtney Lynn

      WHAT?! No tampons???!!! AAAAARRRGGGHH!!!

    • EX

      Wait, for real did you know that they now make eggs pasteurized IN their shells? You can totally eat raw eggs, runny eggs, cookie dough, etc., etc. without killing your unborn child if you use them.

    • shorty_RN

      Totally ate raw cookie dough multiple times when I was preg. No regrets.

    • wonderstruck

      i saw the title and was thinking, “Holy crap people, stop lecturing me on what I eat!!” Rahhhhh insert pregnant woman rage here. Then I actually read it and you redeemed yourself.

    • Lindsay

      Disagree with the last one. Eating your other children would only fortify the fetus.

    • AnastasiaMcNally

      NUMBER 37 OH MY FUCKING GOD

    • meghancnyc

      #37 is the most disturbing of a very long list of disturbing things.

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    • http://cf2.me/2jEJ Fayssal Mostefaoui

      >> Have you ever noticed these hidden #Disney characters in other Disney movies? Check out # 3! http://fay0773813636.viralimages.me/hidden-disney-characters-in-disney-movies

    • https://twitter.com/MaureenMuoneke Dr. Maureen Muoneke MD

      Choose foods high in fiber that are enriched such as whole-grain breads, cereals, pasta, rice, fruits, and vegetables.

      Dr. Maureen Muoneke

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