Potty training is hell. It’s a special brand of torture made just for parents to test our mettle. I’m convinced that potty training is nature’s way of preparing us for the rigors of preteen-hood. How else would we be ready for the OTHER special brand of torture that is the bullshit preteens consider music? I’m looking at you, Justin Bieber. I recently got to this point with one of my
hell spawns kids (well, a few months ago, but dammit I’m still excited!), and here are some of things strange and wonderful things that went through my head.
5. “I’m going to save SO much money.”
Even those of us not blessed with the ability to do even basic math suddenly become Danica McKellar once potty training is over and it’s time to calculate all the money we’re going to save.
4. “Think of all the places we can go now!”
One of the most annoying things about diaper-bound babyhood is the limitations it places on you. Want to go to that cool bird sanctuary in Queens (don’t judge my version of fun)? Too bad, sucker, there is no place to change your kid’s stank sack, so back to Chuck E Cheese with you. That is a thing of the past when potty training is over.,
3. “I’m never having another baby.”
Even if it’s complete and utter bullshit, I guarantee that the sweet nectar of life that is your toddler’s post-diaper existence will be enough to at least consider sterilization. You might not act on it. You might even pop out 12 more kids, but the instinct will be there.
2. “Oh no! My baby is growing up.”
Diapers may suck, but nothing reminds you of how fleeting childhood is like the end of potty training. Pretty soon your baby will be talking back and heading to college, so enjoy it while you can.
1. “I need wine.”
Because come on, when are you NOT thinking this?