• Sun, Mar 23 - 10:04 am ET

5 Things That Go Through Your Head When Potty Training Is Over (Finally)

potty trainingPotty training is hell. It’s a special brand of torture made just for parents to test our mettle. I’m convinced that potty training is nature’s way of preparing us for the rigors of preteen-hood. How else would we be ready for the OTHER special brand of torture that is the bullshit preteens consider music? I’m looking at you, Justin Bieber. I recently got to this point with one of my hell spawns kids (well, a few months ago, but dammit I’m still excited!), and here are some of things strange and wonderful things that went through my head.

5. “I’m going to save SO much money.”

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Even those of us not blessed with the ability to do even basic math suddenly become Danica McKellar once potty training is over and it’s time to calculate all the money we’re going to save.

4. “Think of all the places we can go now!”

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One of the most annoying things about diaper-bound babyhood is the limitations it places on you. Want to go to that cool bird sanctuary in Queens (don’t judge my version of fun)? Too bad, sucker, there is no place to change your kid’s stank sack, so back to Chuck E Cheese with you. That is a thing of the past when potty training is over.,

3. “I’m never having another baby.”

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Even if it’s complete and utter bullshit, I guarantee that the sweet nectar of life that is your toddler’s post-diaper existence will be enough to at least consider sterilization. You might not act on it. You might even pop out 12 more kids, but the instinct will be there.

2. “Oh no! My baby is growing up.”

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Diapers may suck, but nothing reminds you of how fleeting childhood is like the end of potty training. Pretty soon your baby will be talking back and heading to college, so enjoy it while you can.

1. “I need wine.”

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Because come on, when are you NOT thinking this?

(Photo: Oksana Kuzmina/Shutterstock)

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  • Katherine Handcock

    I thought all of these except for #2 with my son, and I’m pretty sure I’ll feel the same way about my daughter! Babies and toddlers are fun and all, but that preschool stage where their personality is coming out more and more, and they’re getting more and more independent? That’s been awesome.

  • http://www.facebook.com/valerisexton.jones Valeri Jones

    Potty training is over for me too, for a little while. But not because it was successful, because my 2.5 year old REFUSES. I have tried everything. :( Oh well. Maybe I can just potty train him and my newborn at the same time… Like, when the oldest goes to kindergarten.

    I’m a failure. I know this, people.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      The same thing happened to us the first time around! It will happen eventually!

    • Natasha B

      Our oldest daughter potty trained before two, our son we tried at 2.5, failed. Gave up until a month before his 3rd bday, tried again, and it just clicked. He won’t be in diapers forever :)

    • Katherine Handcock

      Hopefully both my kids’ stories will help you feel better!

      1) I didn’t even start trying to train my son until he was almost 3 1/2. He wasn’t interested, and I didn’t want to turn it into a battle. Would have loved for it to be done sooner, but I loved it being a relatively low-conflict process more.

      2) My daughter is now 3, and while she was starting to train before Christmas, she’s suddenly decided, “Nope! Not having with this nonsense.”

      You’re not a failure, and if you have a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn, you’ve got a lot on your plate. It’ll come!

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      I gave up when my son was 2.5 as well. He just turned 3 and now I know I have to get this shit done. He even made up a song about how much he loves pooping in his pullups and hates the potty.

  • http://wtfihaveakid.blogspot.ca/ jendra_berri

    I don’t wanna.
    My uncle trained himself at 18 months. He didn’t like the mess, and that was that. A relative’s kid is 3 and no end in sight. She’s laid back and doesn’t mind diapers.

    Apparently I was a quick study. Pleaseohpleaseohplease let this be my son.

  • AugustW

    OMG potty training is finally happening for us! My daughter is on the spectrum so basically between her doctor, her teacher and her speech therapists, they all said not to push her. For some reason in the past few weeks something has clicked,physically and mentally, and she’s starting to use the potty! There are accidents obviously and we aren’t there yet, but I see light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

  • Hibbie

    My first thought was “Team (family name)! Fuck yeah!”

  • footnotegirl

    Our daughter is taking her sweet time. At 19 months, she decided that she wanted to start using the potty and we were all “Yes! Early potty training! Awesome!” and she’s requested to sit on the toilet 1 or 2 times per day since then. She’s successful 2-3x per week. 6 months later though, and there’s been no change. Now, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Every diaper I don’t have to change is a damn blessing. But still, I wish she’d be more enthusiastic. We don’t want to push.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    Definitely bittersweet. I was so happy to be done with carrying diapers around but it felt like a big holy-shit-she’s-not-a-baby moment. It happened really quickly too so I barely felt like I had time to adjust to it mentally.