• Sat, Mar 22 - 10:00 am ET

5 Things You’ll Never Hear A New Parent Say

new parentsNew parenthood is both a blessing (that new baby smell!) and a curse (sleep? What sleep?). The moment you have your first baby, your entire life changes. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it’s certainly an eye opener. And folks who haven’t had kids yet often have certain misconceptions about the process. Obviously this can have hilarious results. Here are five things new parents never say. Because some things just can’t be understood until you’ve been there.

5. “Having a baby really is like having a puppy!” 

yeah okay sure

It’s TOTALLY the same thing, right? NO.

4. “I definitely don’t miss uninterrupted sleep.” 

You can pretend you’re a hard ass and post as many annoying “mommy life” hashtags on Twitter (GAG)as you want, but you know damn well that all sanity is lost somewhere between hour 24 and hour 48 of baby-induced sleep deprivation. Just embrace the madness.

3. “My mother-in-law was right, it isn’t that hard to keep my house clean with a newborn!”

Kanye West Hell Naw

I don’t think any new parent since the dawn of humanity has agreed with their mother-in-law about anything. Ever. In the history of the planet. But this particular piece of crap is especially infuriating. And this obviously comes from the same person trying to sell you the whole “sleep when the baby sleeps” line of bullshit.

2. “My baby’s poop really does smell like popcorn!”

Cher Yuck Face

Okay, so maybe SOME new moms have said this. But it’s wrong and it needs to stop. Poop smells like poop. Not popcorn or chocolate and it definitely isn’t smoothie making material. This isn’t cute.

1. “I wish I’d spent more time doing the dishes/laundry/mopping etc.!”

bitch please

 

If I’ve learned anything in the decade or so of being a mom, it’s that the dishes will still be there in the morning. I know not everyone agrees with me on this point, but in my opinion the cleanliness of your home shouldn’t have any reflection on your ability to parent or your worth as a person. It’s okay to sneak a nap or shame-watch some Dr. Phil on occasion, and if that means that the dusting and dishes have to wait, then so be it. Well, maybe not the Dr. Phil part, but you see where I’m going with this.

(Photo:  Brocreative/Shutterstock Gifs: Reactiongifs.com)

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  • Kristen

    Sorry. My daughter’s breastmilk poops smelt like buttered popcorn jelly beans. Even my sister thought so. I mean it wasn’t a good smell, but that’s what it smelled like.

    • Natasha B

      Yep. Mine too. It’s not like ‘ mmmn this smells delicious!’ type smell, but there’s def a buttery popcorn odor about it.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      That’s so weird, I never got that smell. I’ve heard that breastfed babies’ poo sometimes smells like it, but I nursed all three of mine and it never happened. I wonder if it’s something about my diet, lol. I don’t eat meat, maybe that’s the reason?

    • bookworm81

      Well, I haven’t eaten meat since I was 17 and both of my nurslings had poop that smelled like buttered popcorn so that’s probably not it.

    • Harriet Meadow

      I always thought my son’s breastmilk poop smelled like unbaked bread, so sorta yeasty.

  • Bethany Ramos

    Shame watching Dr. Phil is my middle name! It’s like you were reading my mind… #Momlife

    • AmazingE

      Me too, that and Hoarders.

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Hoarders is my shiznit.

    • AmazingE

      About a month ago I shame watched a half season of Jersey Shore before my husband caught me and I gave up in embarrassment.

  • Tinyfaeri

    I guess it depends on the puppy. Babies and puppies have a lot in common, or at least ours did. When she was a newborn, our daughter was actually a little easier, because she wasn’t using my arm as a chew toy.

  • Jallun-Keatres

    I miss unbroken sleep hahaha

  • SmrtGrl86

    I miss not worrying more than anything. Not being worried all the time was awesome.

  • Katherine Handcock

    I just have to say hooray for the GIF from The Mummy! One of my guilty pleasure movies :-)

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      Me too!!

  • Hanna

    Both my babies’ poop smelled like popcorn for months after they were born. Very odd.

  • aCongaLine

    “Wow that 35 year old, no longer valid baby advice is just what I needed to hear.”
    “It’s a comfort knowing that my MIL knows better than me.”

    said no new mother ever.

  • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

    My wife and I did say a few times (to ourselves) “this isn’t as hard as people said it was!” because, well, it wasn’t. I guess I was expecting it to be total hell and it was/is mostly pretty fun.