As attentive and quick as I am, my toddler is like a mini ninja at stuffing small objects into his mouth and then clamping down so tight I need a flashlight, magnifying glass and the jaws of life to see what heâs chomping on. Iâm learning that kids are sturdier than they look, but there are still things he gets a hold of that freak me out.
1.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Dirt.
The first time I found my kid with a brown streaked face that wasnât from chocolate, I lost it. By the third time I swiped his mouth with a tissue and assured myself dirtâs got to have at least some vitamins and nutrients.
2.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Rocks.Â
Apparently my little culinary savantÂ thinks a dirt entree requires some texture. Thankfully he doesnât have many teeth to chip.
3.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Hair.
His, mine, his brother’s, the cat’s- at least Iâm raising a child who doesnât discriminate.
4.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Stickers.
Found this out during a tantrum one day when he unhinged his jaw to scream in my face and I sawÂ Â the roof of his mouth had a star fish smiling back at me. It wasnât even a scratch and sniff, so I canât blame it on his taste buds. I have no clue how long he was storing it there, minutes, hours, days?Â Are stickers like wine, does the flavor improve with age?
5.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Bath Water.
Â Perhaps the lavender scent and warm temperature make it seem like a tasty and irresistible tea, or maybe the bubbles are just a delightful texture because no matter how many times I scream âNoâ or offer a bath toy instead he keeps going back for more. Maybe tonight Iâll cave and hand him a biscuit for dipping.
6.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Poop.
At first I was ashamed, but after talking toÂ Bethany Ramos, I realize this isnât all that uncommon. Ok, fine, Iâll be honest- it was his brotherâs poop. But still, if you are lucky enough to have a kid that doesnât fall into this category, donât judge us -it happens.
7.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Hand sanitizer.
He rarely lets me brush his teeth anyway, so on the bright side maybe this acted like mouthwash. I actually called Poison Control for this and they told me he would be fine and to give him lots of milk and crackers. Since milk is liquid gold to my child, pretty sure Iâve only encouraged him to do this again. And again.
8.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Broccoli.
Despite many battles regarding his opinion to the contrary, last night my son ingested a vegetable (covered in dressing) and survived- barely.
9.Â Â Â Â Â Â Â The cap off a tube of lip balm.
My Momcore uniform of a tank top and yoga pants does not have pockets, and this has been a dry winter, so it seemed inevitable that this would happen. The silver lining is that this incident gave me the excuse I needed to splurge on that egg shaped lip balm everyone else has. I told my husband it was for the safety of the kids, but secretly I like to feel trendy without having to put on one of those ridiculous cropped tops.
10.Â Â Â Whatever that thing was off the floor.
Â Quick as I am, sometimes I just donât get there fast enough to prey open the iron jaws. Then itâs a watch and wait situation, which is entertaining to him, because he gets my undivided attention and entertaining to me because we donât have cable.