shutterstock_54218506As attentive and quick as I am, my toddler is like a mini ninja at stuffing small objects into his mouth and then clamping down so tight I need a flashlight, magnifying glass and the jaws of life to see what he’s chomping on. I’m learning that kids are sturdier than they look, but there are still things he gets a hold of that freak me out.

1.       Dirt.

The first time I found my kid with a brown streaked face that wasn’t from chocolate, I lost it. By the third time I swiped his mouth with a tissue and assured myself dirt’s got to have at least some vitamins and nutrients.

2.       Rocks. 

Apparently my little culinary savant thinks a dirt entree requires some texture. Thankfully he doesn’t have many teeth to chip.

3.       Hair.

 

His, mine, his brother’s, the cat’s- at least I’m raising a child who doesn’t discriminate.

4.       Stickers.

 

Found this out during a tantrum one day when he unhinged his jaw to scream in my face and I saw  the roof of his mouth had a star fish smiling back at me. It wasn’t even a scratch and sniff, so I can’t blame it on his taste buds. I have no clue how long he was storing it there, minutes, hours, days?  Are stickers like wine, does the flavor improve with age?

5.       Bath Water.

 Perhaps the lavender scent and warm temperature make it seem like a tasty and irresistible tea, or maybe the bubbles are just a delightful texture because no matter how many times I scream “No” or offer a bath toy instead he keeps going back for more. Maybe tonight I’ll cave and hand him a biscuit for dipping.

6.       Poop.

At first I was ashamed, but after talking to Bethany Ramos, I realize this isn’t all that uncommon. Ok, fine, I’ll be honest- it was his brother’s poop. But still, if you are lucky enough to have a kid that doesn’t fall into this category, don’t judge us -it happens.

7.       Hand sanitizer.

He rarely lets me brush his teeth anyway, so on the bright side maybe this acted like mouthwash. I actually called Poison Control for this and they told me he would be fine and to give him lots of milk and crackers. Since milk is liquid gold to my child, pretty sure I’ve only encouraged him to do this again. And again.

8.       Broccoli.

Despite many battles regarding his opinion to the contrary, last night my son ingested a vegetable (covered in dressing) and survived- barely.

9.       The cap off a tube of lip balm.

My Momcore uniform of a tank top and yoga pants does not have pockets, and this has been a dry winter, so it seemed inevitable that this would happen. The silver lining is that this incident gave me the excuse I needed to splurge on that egg shaped lip balm everyone else has. I told my husband it was for the safety of the kids, but secretly I like to feel trendy without having to put on one of those ridiculous cropped tops.

10.   Whatever that thing was off the floor.

 Quick as I am, sometimes I just don’t get there fast enough to prey open the iron jaws. Then it’s a watch and wait situation, which is entertaining to him, because he gets my undivided attention and entertaining to me because we don’t have cable.

(Image:  Syda Productions/shutterstock)