Epic Hero Shows Up Naked And Drunk To Visit Her Husband In Jail

Drunk Naked Woman Tries To Visit Husband In Jail Let’s all give it up for Maura Fussell, who from now on shall be known as our St. Patrick’s day she-ro for doing what another other woman would do when her man was thrown in the jail: take off all of her clothes and show up demanding to see him. I have gotten drunk before, but I have never stripped naked, nor been thrown in jail, and now I feel my youth has been totally wasted. The worst thing I have ever done is thrown up a lot and started crying for no reason. Now that I’m all old and responsible, I never even drink so much that I get hungover, so I have to admire the tenacity of a chick who not only gets totally blitzed, but strips naked to go find her man.

From ARLNow:

Police say Maura Fussell arrived at the magistrate’s office around 11:00 p.m. seeking to visit her husband, who had been arrested in Clarendon earlier that day. She was drunk, completely naked and refused to get dressed or leave in a cab, according to Arlington County Police spokesman Dustin Sternbeck.

 

I love that, not only did she refuse to leave, but she also refused to put clothing on.  Fussell was arrested and charged with indecent exposure and public drunkenness. She was held in jail until sober. Which, ya know, makes sense because wandering around naked in March is never a fabulous idea, and for all we know she could have driven somewhere and killed someone with her car. I would pretty much pay cash money to see how they explained this one to their friends and family, and also to hear what she told her husband when he was released from jail. When she sobered up did she even remember the night before? Did she demand her clothing? I need more on this story. I can’t even imagine it, but I do know that I find the whole thing pretty epically hilarious.

(Image: Facebook)

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    • Bethany Ramos

      She is my new hero. The worst thing I have done while drunk was spill a full glass of water on my husband on purpose for no reason, but I like this chick’s story way better.

      • Lee

        I decided to climb a 6 foot chain link fence while taking a shortcut through a backyards at college while alone. I swung one leg over, swung the other leg over, and the next thing I knew I was hanging upside down attached to the fence by the crotch of my jeans. The jeans finally ripped to my knee and I landed on my head. I had to walk back to my boyfriend’s house holding my shredded jeans up in an attempt to save some small shred of dignity.

      • Bethany Ramos

        HAHAHHAHA

      • EX

        That. Is. Awesome.

      • Bethany Ramos

        I just remembered that I once threw up in my purse and tried to cover it up for the rest of the night!!

      • Valerie

        Kind of related- I remember a girl at a bar pulling a Big Mac and fries out of her giant purse. We were all sitting around and chatting for quite some time before she did it and I remember all of us being like “wtf did she get that?” Who knows how long she was hauling it around. Lol.

      • Bethany Ramos

        I love this!

      • Lee

        I once hitchhiked on a major highway in Mexico with my brother and two girls from Mexico City that we had just met. It’s a long story so I won’t go into details. I knew it was a terrible idea at the time but wasn’t about to let my brother go by himself.

    • Kay_Sue

      I just have this image of her, hands on her hips, stomping her foot and demanding to be allowed to see him…

      • Bethany Ramos

        With inappropriate jiggly boobs because of all the stomping, reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with his naked girlfriend and the pickle jar. ;)

      • Kay_Sue

        It really does.

      • Robotic Socks

        Now imagine it with these red devil eyes!

      • Kay_Sue

        Just made it funnier. :)

      • Valerie

        Crazy Eyes for sure.

    • pixie

      This is kind of fantastic and puts all of my drunk stories to shame.

      • Robotic Socks

        Examples?

      • pixie

        A couple of my female friends decided they wanted to weigh my boobs, so I found a bathroom scale and attempted it. Also, there have been times where I decide that I really want to take my shirt off, so I do. #noshame

      • Robotic Socks

        OK, we need to start hanging out IRL

      • Valerie

        I’ve been there, sister. With the shirt thing. Never tried weighing my ti-tays.

      • pixie

        Bahahaha, yep.

        And for the record, it didn’t work very well trying to weight them :P

      • Valerie

        I feel like a produce scale might be a better implement. Come down from Canada and we can test my theory. Heaviest boobs buys the first round of drinks!

    • LiteBrite

      This story has every thing you could possibly ask for: St. Paddy’s Day, pubic drunkeness, a husband in jail, and a naked woman willing to stand by her man. (Because I wouldn’t be visiting his jailbird ass. I’d be like, “It’s St. Patrick’s Day. Suffer bro.”)

      I want to buy the movie rights.

      • Williwaw

        I know it’s a typo, but “pubic” drunkenness sounds like the right phrase here.

      • LiteBrite

        Holy crap. Did I really write “pubic drunkeness?”

        You’re right though: it’s still appropriate.

      • Robotic Socks

        LB’s playing innocent.

        But we all know you were thinking it

        Freudian Slip FTW!

    • Alex Lee

      Another night shift. Another *Monday* night shift. I promised myself this would be the last time my temper gets me busted down to Receptions. Yet, here I was. Today was Saint Patrick’s Day. Every cop from Maine to Miami knows what that means. Lots of pride, lots of alcohol, lots of arrests. Tonight was no different – except it was.

      She came in. Wait. It was more of a slow progression. I could see the front door opening from the front desk. A few seconds pass then I see an arm. The arm pulls the rest of the body into the doorway. My eyes roll to the ceiling…

      “HEYYY. WHERE IS HE?! TAKE ME TO…MY…..HUZZZZZBnnn. NOW!”

      I now realize why the force doesn’t equip us with tranquilizer guns and make a mental note to bring this up at the next staff meeting. My eyes stay fixed on a random coffee ring on my desk blotter, my brain imagines Bora-Bora.

      “HEY Youuuu….Ossifer….”

      Bora-Bora is ripped away from me. “Yes, ma’am? How may I be of service?”

      “You have my HUSBAND! You see this ring on my finger? This means I have a RIGHT to be with him. You take me to see him NOW.”

      “Ma’am, nobody is allowed to see him. He has been arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Please go home.”

      “I’m not going ANYWHERE without my HUSBAND. You want a fight? Fine!”

      Right now, I’m hating snakes. I’m hating Saint Patrick. I’m hating Saint Patrick who beat snakes with a shillelagh. I’m hating everything not Bora-Bora.

      “Ma’am. Please button your blouse or you will be arrested for indecent exposure.”

      “You brought this on yourself. YOU started – THIS!”

      ..and the bra comes off. Quickly followed by everything else. I curse the bartender who gave this woman the drink that made her think her now-exposed vagina could Jedi-mind-trick me.

      I call down for a female officer to assist. Angry-naked is no way to go through life. She needs time. And possibly marriage counseling.

      Sargeant Roswell was kind enough to book and process her. Bora-Bora seems so far away.

    • ShanLea

      I’ve been waiting about 18 years for a story to come along to make me feel better about my own naked-drunk experience! At a high school party, inappropriately drunk, fighting with my boyfriend, I got the brilliant idea to flash him and yell “good luck ever seeing these again!” The nickname “The Flash” followed me for a long time after that.

      • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

        and another hero comes to light!

    • Robotic Socks

      I just hope that you ladies are willing to drunk strip in front of po-po’s to see your husbands.

      #truedrunkenlove

    • SA

      Now I really want to know the story behind her husbands ‘detainment’.

    • noodlestein

      I had to do the walk of shame in a mermaid costume one post-Halloween morning in college. Oh, holiday drinking, you are full of pitfalls!