One of the few qualms I have about running STFU, Parents is that mothers of young children tend to “overshare” (and use Facebook) much more than fathers do. This isn’t a problem, per se, but many of the words I use to describe different “types” of oversharers are a play on the word “mom,” which makes the words appear hyper-feminine and applicable only to mothers. Mommyjackingsanctimommymompetitionmomedy,momarazzi, and documom are just a sampling of these words — and when they’re lined up in a row, it can kind of make the blog seem anti-mom. That’s not the goal, of course; the absolute last thing I want to do is “shame” women more than men for sharing their parenting experiences on social media. And in fact, there are thousands of dads who are inclined to share similar “woe is mom” tales or become enraged over a parent-and-child parking space, but because those examples represent such a small percentage of the overall submissions I get, I don’t tend to dedicate specific vocabulary to all of the TMI dads out there. And frankly, I think that’s pretty dumb. I’m working on a way to even the score, so to speak, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about parental overshare, it’s that everyone is capable of writing exhaustive stories about their barfing baby (and postingpictures of said barf, too) on Facebook.

Why only give moms goofy nicknames when dads can be equally as offensive? And I’m not just talking about baby vomit, either. Dads are also prone to being sanctimonious (“santidads”), as well as competing in absurd “dadpetitions,” and I think it’s high time to start showcasing their obnoxious social media habits, too. To kick off the first dads-only installment, let’s focus on one of the most obvious categories in which men are guilty:daddyjacking. Yes, dads hijack their friends’ status updates, and yes, they come off just as self-involved as their female counterparts. If ‘daddyjacking’ isn’t already a word you use, you can start “changing the ratio” by using it today!

(Seriously, sometimes I post daddyjacking submissions that feature names like “Bill” and “Mark” and the comments are still like, “This annoying bitch is a mommyjacker!” or “Whoa, sanctimommy alert! What a cunt.” It’s times like those that I have to wonder why people automatically assume that every single person on STFU, Parents is a woman. Is it my own fault for featuring mostly moms, or do people just need better reading comprehension skills? Has society taught us to assume that women/mothers are the irritation behind everything parenting-related? Let’s stop thinking that way.)

1. Poopy Schmoopy
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In case you thought only women were capable of milestonejacking a friend’s wedding status with li’l quips about poopy diapers, here’s proof that dads doo it, too. And before you go excusing Will for being a new dad who’s experiencing the wondrous joys of parenthood for the first time, think again: His profile picture (before I edited it) was of his older child. He’s just a poopy diaper, winky face, daddyjacking kind of guy. ;-)

 

2. Daddyjacking Oneself

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Listen, we all have our favorite news programs. Here in New York, almost everyone in the city has a crush on NY1′s Pat Kiernan, and my boyfriend was once so starstruck by Pat’s presence at a party, he literally hid behind a large plant. And technically, knowing how friendly broadcasters can be and how much they enjoy connecting with viewers, telling your favorite news guy that your family just welcomed a baby isn’t that crazy. It’s YOUR news! That said, Damienl pretty much hijacked his own status update — which started as being relevant to the FOX 4 News page — with completely random tidbits about his own family. It appears John Holt was happy to oblige the new dad — twice — but one has to wonder how many other business pages Damienl hit up to exclaim his “news.”

Did he reach out to his favorite store, Old Navy, which is located just down the street from his favorite lunch spot, Panera Bread? I can only imagine what he wrote to those old chaps. “Hey, Old Navy, you guys make my favorite t-shirts and I’m wearing a pair of your cargo shorts right now in the hospital with my wife and newborn baby, born at 3:09 a.m.!” “Wsup Panera, can’t wait to stop in for a sammy and soup just after changing my baby’s first diaper! Her name is Olivia and she was born this morning at 3:09. PS: Love your sourdough.”

3. Non-Sequiturjacking

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Paige’s status update is already slightly annoying in that “vaguebooking” way, not to mention her “nability” to write the letter “i.” But John’s status update definitely blows her out of the water. His lack of punctuation, poor grammar, and scary spelling just leave me feeling sad. If you’re going to daddyjack, at least get all your vowels and shit in order first. Don’t use the word “havein” in the same comment that declares you’re going to be a father. We need more fathers who can spell correctly, goddammit.

 

4. Woe Is Dad

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Hey Paul, let me pull out my tiny violin to play you a song. It’s called “STFU About People Asking Why Your Daughter Is Named Delilah,” and I think you’ll really like it. You see, my name is Blair, and my entire fucking life, people have been asking me if I’m named after “Blair” from show ‘The Facts of Life’ (fun “fact” of my life: I am actually named after her.). And you know what? That’s okay! People can ask me all they want! I might even grant them a wish they never had and sing a bit of the theme song. Maybe one day your daughter can do that, too. Or she can sing that other song “Hey There Delilah,” because guess what? Delilah is a popular name in songs. Maybe you should’ve thought of that first.

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Hey broski, way to complain about having insomnia after feeding your INDIVIDUAL baby. Ha ha ha, you loser, try having to take care of TWINS and then Eric might have a little sympathy. For now, he’s got somewhere between “none” and “zero, zilch, nada,” because caring for one single child is a friggin’ piece of cake. It’s like taking a vacation from the hell that is caring for twins. Like, really dude, quit yer bitching because Eric’s twins are soooo much work. And just imagine how Eric’s WIFE feels, considering she carried and gave birth to them! Oh, woe is dad. It must be nice to be a dad whining on Facebook.

6. One-Upping With Guilt

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Gee, Mike, when you put it that way, yeah, I guess Roxanne’s vague “waiting” update probably pales in comparison to what you’re going through. Thanks for hijacking her comments to pile on the guilt. From editing this submission, I know that Roxanne and Mike have the same last name and are related, which tells me that Mike might be her annoying brother or her jerky cousin who lacks self-awareness. I hope he knows it’s not cool to daddyjack just to bring others down. Who knows what Roxanne is even waiting for? Maybe she’s waiting on test results. Maybe she’s waiting in a really long line for a Cronut. Whatever it is, she doesn’t deserve to be daddyjacked. Mike should try doing something that I recommend to mommyjackers: write down his feelings in a journal.