So, as my spirit animal Eve Vawter wrote about earlier this week, spoiled cheerleader runaway teen Rachel Canning is back home with her folks after the ludicrous law suit she brought against them was thrown out of court. Because of course she is. This got me thinking about all the things I would have liked to sue my parents for when I was Rachel’s age. Things like…

3. My dad’s tracksuit addicition

Sascha Baron Cohen as Alli G

This is my approximation of my dad circa 1990-1997 (photo: Wikipedia)

I don’t know what my dad was thinking, but in the early to mid 1990s he was ALL about rocking tracksuits. He had tracksuits velour tracksuits, t-shirt material tracksuits and even tracksuits of the windbreaker variety. Looking back, it’s hilarious, but at the time it was utterly humiliating. Now mind you, This is a man who looks like a cross between Hulk Hogan and Mr. Clean, so you can imagine the stares we got. Especially living in a conservative part of the American Midwest.

Potential Settlement – $20,000 for pain and suffering

2. My mom’s cooking

My step-mom is one of my favorite people in the world. She came into my life at a time when things were tough and helped to guide me into womanhood. But even she thinks her cooking is terrible. Not only is lard her go-to ingredient for pretty much everything (again, we were living in the Midwest), but her solution to cooking pretty much any kind of meat is “boil it!” Chicken? Boil it! Pork? Toss that sucker in the water! Thankfully she is unashamed of her less than stellar cooking skills, so I grew up eating a lot of Cincinnati’s finest take-out cuisine (Skyline Chili for the win!).

Potential Settlement – We’ll just call it even since take-out food is awesome.

1. My dad being a Cubs fan

Do you know how much shit I had to take for having a Cubs fan dad in Cincinnati Reds country? Not to mention that the Cubs are the suckiest suckers in all of Suckdom. The embarrassment continues to this day because my dad refuses to see the error of his ways.

Potential Settlement – 1 Billion dollars, because nothing can ease the pain of this humiliation.