• Sun, Mar 16 - 3:15 pm ET

3 Potential Lawsuits Inspired By The Runaway Cheerleader

So, as my spirit animal Eve Vawter wrote about earlier this week, spoiled cheerleader runaway teen Rachel Canning is back home with her folks after the ludicrous law suit she brought against them was thrown out of court. Because of course she is. This got me thinking about all the things I would have liked to sue my parents for when I was Rachel’s age. Things like…

3. My dad’s tracksuit addicition

Sascha Baron Cohen as Alli G

This is my approximation of my dad circa 1990-1997 (photo: Wikipedia)

I don’t know what my dad was thinking, but in the early to mid 1990s he was ALL about rocking tracksuits. He had tracksuits velour tracksuits, t-shirt material tracksuits and even tracksuits of the windbreaker variety. Looking back, it’s hilarious, but at the time it was utterly humiliating. Now mind you, This is a man who looks like a cross between Hulk Hogan and Mr. Clean, so you can imagine the stares we got. Especially living in a conservative part of the American Midwest.

Potential Settlement – $20,000 for pain and suffering

2. My mom’s cooking

My step-mom is one of my favorite people in the world. She came into my life at a time when things were tough and helped to guide me into womanhood. But even she thinks her cooking is terrible. Not only is lard her go-to ingredient for pretty much everything (again, we were living in the Midwest), but her solution to cooking pretty much any kind of meat is “boil it!” Chicken? Boil it! Pork? Toss that sucker in the water! Thankfully she is unashamed of her less than stellar cooking skills, so I grew up eating a lot of Cincinnati’s finest take-out cuisine (Skyline Chili for the win!).

Potential Settlement – We’ll just call it even since take-out food is awesome.

1. My dad being a Cubs fan

Do you know how much shit I had to take for having a Cubs fan dad in Cincinnati Reds country? Not to mention that the Cubs are the suckiest suckers in all of Suckdom. The embarrassment continues to this day because my dad refuses to see the error of his ways.

Potential Settlement – 1 Billion dollars, because nothing can ease the pain of this humiliation.

Share This Post:
  • keelhaulrose

    Most of my family are Cubs fans. I feel sorry for them, but not too sorry. It’s a lifestyle choice. Or they’re gluttons for punishment. Probably both.
    #goWhiteSox

    • http://fairlyoddmedia.com/ Frances Locke

      #Truth

  • EmmaFromÉire

    I still think there was a whole lot to do with that story to be learned- isn’t it impossible to get financial aid for colleges unless you’re emancipated form your parents?

    • keelhaulrose

      You can get it, but you have to report their income under the assumption they’ll help you. It could help get a better rate, but disqualify you from grants.

    • EmmaFromÉire

      I find the entire US system baffling to be honest, I just know some people got emancipation for better financial aid. It makes me sad that students are basically penalised for wanting to go to college. I want to go to the best doctor/lawyer/engineer, not the one who could most comfortable afford to become one…

    • pixie

      In Ontario (where I’m from and familiar with), you have to pretty much be hovering around the poverty line or below in order to get government grants, bursaries, and loans (ok, not quite, but if you’re an only child with no children of your own and you don’t own a vehicle, then it is incredibly difficult to get financial aid from the government). Even our “tuition rebate”, which they made a little more accessible, student get back up to 30% of their tuition, still has incredible limitations. Plus when you put down what your parents make, it’s all BEFORE taxes, so it might say they make one thing, but in reality it could be quite reduced after taxes.

      Being emancipated would get you good financial aid, but you can still get it without. Though I doubt Rachel Canning would get any, coming from an incredibly wealthy family and would have to rely on scholarships from either the school or an outside source, based on marks or an essay convincing them why she should get a scholarship.

  • ted3553

    Are you sure your stepmom isn’t from Newfoundland because I lived there for a year and they boil all their meat except bologna (newfie steak) which they fry. I’d never heard of boiling meat ever until I lived there. Still grosses me out picturing it in my head.