A couple of weeks ago, a tasty new food craze swept the nation. Well, it’s not exactly available to purchase at the supermarket or in any restaurants yet, but I think it’s still fair to say that baby poop sausage raised the eyebrows and churned the stomachs of millions when it was first reported. As a reminder, the report going around (like a disgusting disease) described the sausage scenario (sausenario?) thusly: “Using three strains of probiotic bacteria isolated from the dirty diapers, the investigators cooked up several batches of pork that resembled a type of fermented Mediterranean sausage known as feut.” In other words: YUM.
This got me thinking about the ways that parents already enjoy discussing baby poop online. Now, don’t get me wrong — OFFline, I think it’s totally normal for anyone who feels elbows-deep in fecal matter to want to talk about it, be it with a close friend, a relative, or a random drugstore cashier. But ONline, I start to wonder what the hell is wrong with people. There may be no greater crime than ruining — sometimes intentionally — a food that the average person consumes and enjoys. An excellent example of this is the recent column about poop smelling like buttered popcorn. And three years ago, I wrote a column about ruined foods that temporarily swayed me from edible delights including Thai curry, edamame, whole black olives (always ‘whole’…shudder), blueberries, and — mercilessly — burritos. (I’ve since recovered from my burrito ban, once I stopped picturing them as rolled up tortillas filled with diarrhea).
After reading about the poop sausage, I figured it might be time to tackle this subject again in the hopes that parents will stop ruining foods by talking about their kids’ dirty diapers. We may not be able to stop the testing and production of pork products made from “a strain of bacteria derived from infant feces,” but we CAN encourage parents to stop detailing the shitty results of their children eating certain beloved foods. Let’s take a look at six new examples.
1. Refrigerator Oatmeal
They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but thanks to Sarah, I’ll never look at refrigerator oatmeal the same way again. In case anyone is wondering what refrigerator oatmeal looks like (if you haven’t seen or heard of it before), it’s basically like tapioca with oats, i.e. it’s already pretty fucking gross-looking. So if the idea of washing off a baby covered in hot oatmeal poop ever seemed disgusting, now you know that refrigerator oatmeal poop takes it one step further.
2. “Meat Experiences”
Some people argue that “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase uttered in the English language. I would argue that “meat experiences” is the opposite of that. Also, if you’re going to talk about your one-year-old’s “major poop diaper” on Facebook, at least spell “stench” correctly. Do not insult my tummy’s meat-and-beans sensibilities and then insult my intelligence.
3. Apple Chips Surprise
“This is why I’m anti-raisin” sounds like a scary Tumblr that should never exist. Yes, it’s pretty amazing that matter has its various forms and the human body can rehydrate things like apple chips, but honestly, parents can keep that little factoid to themselves. It’s basic science. Mythbusters didn’t need to do an episode to “prove” that dehydrated fruits come out of a baby’s ass looking juicier than ever. There’s a reason for that.
Beets, like corn and prunes, seem like a given here. And yet, something about picturing Aja’s baby projectile vomiting beet-colored vomit on her sister’s furniture really grosses me out. I call it “The Exorcist Effect.” Not that I’d rather read about babies vomiting up bananas, or peas, or anything else that isn’t blood-hued, but a lack of red and purple would be a wee bit helpful.
5. Chocolate Doughnuts
Missy’s comment perfectly sums up why so many parents relay this type of information to their friends on Facebook. To them, a joke about chocolate poop is entertainment at its finest, specifically because it’s their kid who said it. But to everyone else, it’s just an anecdote that turns chocolate doughnuts, which were already treading a pretty fine line, into circular shit biscuits. I hope these ladies talk about more than “treasure poop” when they get together in real life.
6. “White Chocolate” Quote Unquote
Ummmm what? I’ve had this submission for at least a year, if not two, and I’m still perplexed. If “brown” chocolate = poop, then what the hell does “white chocolate” mean? And in what context are we talking about the hazy “white chocolate days”? Is it a drug euphemism? Or is “white chocolate” a different kind of bodily fluid, ahem, that’s also not really appropriate for Facebook? Sarah, if you’re out there and reading, please let me know. This has been weighing on me for far too long, and much like you, I’ve yet to sniff out the source. Unlike you, there’s absolutely nothing I love about searching for an answer. Sorry if that comes as a disappointment, but I do hope your son no longer smells of human waste.