STFU Parents: Six Foods Ruined By Parents On Facebook

A couple of weeks ago, a tasty new food craze swept the nation. Well, it’s not exactly available to purchase at the supermarket or in any restaurants yet, but I think it’s still fair to say that baby poop sausage raised the eyebrows and churned the stomachs of millions when it was first reported. As a reminder, the report going around (like a disgusting disease) described the sausage scenario (sausenario?) thusly: “Using three strains of probiotic bacteria isolated from the dirty diapers, the investigators cooked up several batches of pork that resembled a type of fermented Mediterranean sausage known as feut.” In other words: YUM.

This got me thinking about the ways that parents already enjoy discussing baby poop online. Now, don’t get me wrong — OFFline, I think it’s totally normal for anyone who feels elbows-deep in fecal matter to want to talk about it, be it with a close friend, a relative, or a random drugstore cashier. But ONline, I start to wonder what the hell is wrong with people. There may be no greater crime than ruining — sometimes intentionally — a food that the average person consumes and enjoys. An excellent example of this is the recent column about poop smelling like buttered popcorn.  And three years ago, I wrote a column about ruined foods that temporarily swayed me from edible delights including Thai curry, edamame, whole black olives (always ‘whole’…shudder), blueberries, and — mercilessly — burritos. (I’ve since recovered from my burrito ban, once I stopped picturing them as rolled up tortillas filled with diarrhea).

After reading about the poop sausage, I figured it might be time to tackle this subject again in the hopes that parents will stop ruining foods by talking about their kids’ dirty diapers. We may not be able to stop the testing and production of pork products made from “a strain of bacteria derived from infant feces,” but we CAN encourage parents to stop detailing the shitty results of their children eating certain beloved foods. Let’s take a look at six new examples.

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  • Eve Vawter

    I never want to have a meat experience and I am not a vegetarian. also, I have decided all people who use the term “kiddos” think this sort of shit (Yeah yeah yeah pun) is funny.

    • AugustW

      My very young at the time nephew once informed me “poops not funny, Augie”.

    • airbones

      Shitty pun.

      See what I did there? Eh? Eh?

  • keelhaulrose

    New diet plan:
    1. Get hungry.
    2. Spend 10 minutes around STFUParents.
    3. Never want to eat again.

    • echo7341

      Seriously, can we get a daily post from STFU parents? I would lose so much weight!

    • Guest

      Yeah… this doesn’t work for me. I seriously read this post and now I want a burrito.

  • rrlo

    Oh please – some parent talked about poop on Facebook now people can’t eat food? Woe is me!

    • echo7341

      I actually have a very sensitive gag reflex, so yeah this made my stomach turn. I just want to know more than anything why these parents thought anyone would be interested in knowing any details of their kid(s) vomit or poop explosions.

    • rrlo

      Hahaha, I’m sorry. I don’t know why parents do that either… yet I don’t know why I had to see Lady Gaga covered in vomit today either. I was NOT prepared for that. Sigh…

    • echo7341

      I saw a link to a story about the whole Lady Gaga voluntarily getting thrown up on. Decided not to click on it.

    • Rrlo

      Someone posted the photo on my FB feed. I didn’t have the same opportunity as you… Lucky bugger! Good call on not clicking the link it was pretty gross.

    • rrlo

      Also, I don’t know how to explain it to you without mentioning bodily fluids… lol.

    • Mystik Spiral

      Hyperbole. It’s not just a fancy word…

    • rrlo

      Me or STFU Parents? Either way the Internet was made for hyperbole. If we can’t hyperbole (I just used it as a verb) on this forum – where can we do it?
      Regardless, my comment was made in jest (mostly).

    • Mystik Spiral

      Haha, I thought you were taking all these comments literally. There’s been so many rancid trolls around here lately my sarcasm has been out of control. Apologies, carry on… :)

  • Paul White

    There is nothing right about any of that. At least it’llm ake it easier not to eat extra calories today

  • SA

    Something about the dehydrated apple chips one has me cracking up!!

    Wonder what the one lady means by “white chocolate”…hmmm..

  • Williwaw

    White chocolate could be the first post-barium-enema poo? (And why the hell am I even speculating about this?)

    • Sri

      I’m with B. I’m pretty sure they’re joking about their lost wild days when they used to worry about semen stains everywhere, and now they’re worried about poop.

      How hard is it to keep track of semen, though? Do other people have this problem?

    • EX

      See I think it’s about baby poo before solids (which is less offensive in smell and lighter in color – - although IN NO WAY resembles white chocolate) vs. after the introduction of solids. I could be totally off base but that’s my guess.

  • WriterLady

    Concerning the last one: I’m far less curious about the “white chocolate” comment than I am about what the hell is wrong with her that she seems to enjoy searching out, or sniffing for, lingering poop on her son. Really, Sarah?! Who would ever say they “love” doing that? Tolerate doing it, okay…love it, hell no!

  • val97

    I’m afraid to google “white chocolate” at work.

    • guest

      This is a little late, but Urban Dictionary had a quite nasty meaning for it. To be fair, it had a few different definitions but one was especially nasty.

  • Aimee Ogden

    Hahaha oh god I’m eating beets right now … or rather, I was. *tips beets into disposal* :|

    Edited to add: I am also deeply confused (and concerned?!) about what ‘white chocolate’ is supposed to refer to here?

  • echo7341

    When will people learn?! I don’t want to hear about your nasty baby or anything coming out of their orifices. I mean, Facebook was around when I had the stomach flu and threw up grapes and had to shove them down the drain with my bare hands. But did I post that? NO BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW! Oh wait, but I just told you guys…

    Can we have an out-grossing each other contest please? :)

  • K.

    Have these people lost their minds?

    If you wouldn’t say it about your mother, don’t fucking say it about your child. No one wants to hear about grandma’s scatological adventures, so shut up about Jr.’s.

  • waffre

    So… Jenny fed her kid way more food than he usually eats, and then got upset that she had to clean up a messy diaper? Ah, the joys of shortsightedness– I mean motherhood!

  • Jallun-Keatres

    My baby’s poop doesn’t smell like buttered popcorn but the way her piss reacts with the gel crystals in her diaper sure does… in a gross, sharp kind of a way…

    • SusannahJoy

      We changed what diapers we used because that smell disgusted me so much. My husband didn’t even notice, but ugh. It churned my stomach every time. I actually started to prefer changing poopy diapers, which is just wrong.

  • SusannahJoy

    I think there’s something wrong with me. I read this and now I’m craving burritos.

  • Valerie
    • noodlestein

      Well, they didn’t want to call him/her “Shirley!”

    • Jallun-Keatres

      It’s like an unvocalized Dresden!

    • echo7341

      A facebook friend of mine who’s currently pregnant is going to name her son “Tyten Ray”. I have no words.

    • Valerie

      Oh god….poor little Tyten.

    • B

      Forget poor little Tyten, poor teachers that have to keep a straight face during role call.

  • Katherine Handcock

    These are exactly the sort of stories that are perfect for sharing in a slightly (or not so slightly) drunken gigglefest with your fellow mom friends…where no one can hear you. That’s the important bit right there.

  • Taylor Madison Street

    Blair Koenig seriously needs to be given a humanitarian award for the work she has done on both her own blog and on Mommyish. Before I discovered her blog I was really starting to think that I was the only person on earth who found Facebook status updates from my friends about their kids’ poop and or bathroom habits disturbing. It was absolutely wonderful to discover that I was hardly alone in feeling that way. It also proved to me that I wasn’t insane after for thinking that parents sometimes over share WAY TO MUCH about their children on Facebook. Thank you for confirming that I’m a sane person, Blair. :)

  • AP

    When I saw #5, all I could picture was Chris Griffin telling a Twinkie “I’m going to turn you into poo.”

    Perhaps they have the next young Seth MacFarlane on their hands.

  • Joy

    Well, I WAS going to make burritos for dinner tonight, but I guess that’s out the window now. Thanks for that.

    • LawGeekNYC

      I was finally going to try Chipotle’s new sofritos, which I hear are awesome. Ah well.

    • AugustW

      Motherhood gave me a strong stomach I guess. Last weekend I went from a 3 hour very hands on cadaver lab, to a dinner of pulled sweet pork nachos. Ha!

  • Joy

    Well, I WAS going to make burritos for dinner tonight, but I guess that’s out the window now. Thanks for that.

  • Amb1084

    White chocolate days might be from when the babies were breastfed…I have heard breastfed poops are pretty light in color and don’t smell as bad.

  • scooby23

    After reading #6, I’m now imagining one of those annoying “StuffYouLove No.#45″ picture thingies with a mom lovingly sniffing her baby with the caption “BestThingsAboutBeingaMama #475: Sniffing your baby for poop.”

  • JJ

    How hard is it to just not talk about your kids s*** covered butt or anything coming out of it? The only people who want to know that in real life are your family doctor and maybe your other mom friends when talking about your kids health. If you wouldn’t walk up to a casual friend or coworker in public and yell out, “oh my god you should see the poop my 10 month made this morning, woohoo nasty!” then why would say it online for everyone?You really don’t need to share gross diaper stories on facebook with every ex, old friends, former high school peers and every cousin you have. If adults talking about their poop, or detailed descriptions of their burps is gross on facebook then so is talking about it when its your kids.(even though I have seen a few gross, ill mannered adults make detailed posts about their body functions that no one wants to hear about)

    • AP

      Just heard a mom announce to the entire pool “(13-year-old daughter) missed swim practice last week because she had her period.”

      So I think some people just have no filter. Poor girl.

    • JJ

      Oh my god that poor girl. If my mom had done that to me I would have really been mad at her for a long time. Especially if she announced it to the entire swim practice full of people you know.

  • jendra_berri

    I’ve just been talked out of giving my son dehydrated fruit.

  • wmdkitty

    1 — Oh. Eww.

    2 — STFU and open a window!

    3 — …NO.

    4 — Beets can result in… rather dramatic results. Heh. There was one episode of “Untold Stories of the ER” where a woman came in with what she thought was bloody diarrhea. After re-re-testing her stool for blood and having it come up negative, one of the interns (might have been a nurse?) asked about beets, and she confirmed she’d eaten a large-ish portion of same. She was about five minutes away from being whisked into surgery — lucky break.

    5 — Well… there go donuts. *sigh*

    6 — Who hasn’t tried to find a mystery smell? I don’t love it. And I do NOT want to know what they mean by “white chocolate”.

    • Rodiansinger

      I had a similar experience with red velvet cake. Except in my case I saw it, thought “oh my god” and then I remembered the persistent red dye in the pastry I had consumed the night before and went: “Oh right” Then I flushed it and carried on with my day.
      That woman must have felt quite the fool.

    • wmdkitty

      Eh, better safe than sorry.


    Regarding #6: My son is almost two and I have never even remotely enjoyed smelling his poo. To me, that is not one of the highlights of parenting. Love him like crazy, but no. I’m sure Sarah would think I’m a shitty parent. See what I did there? ;-)

  • Caitlin Burrows

    The refrigerator oatmeal seems like a non-sequitur to me. Until I read it as the poster had to stick her oatmeal in the fridge to deal with a situation.

  • Rodiansinger

    I think “stinch” is a compound word using stink and stench. At least that’s how I read it. I think it’s going to catch on. It’s the perfect word for when something smells so bad that neither stink nor stench is adequate to describe it’s foulness. Hence “stinch”.

  • Ally

    #3 is from New Orleans. Of course. *eyeroll*

  • lemon floor wax

    These people are slowing chipping away at every food I like. It’s cool I didn’t want to eat anymore.

  • gillyo

    If I remember correctly, when my son was in diapers I would have been hard pressed to find the time to clean up a nasty mess, let alone post about it. Frankly, it wouldn’t have occurred to me that anyone would be remotely interested.

    Is it just me, or are people nowadays giving out way too much information? There are things I know that I’d rather not know, and pictures I’ve seen I can’t get out of my head. That’s why I closed my facebook account. No one seems to have any boundaries anymore.

    • JJ

      What are boundaries and manners? Don’t people want to know every time I go to the bathroom(complete with pictures), cough, sneeze, have a nasty flu, or an upset stomach. This is really important stuff I just can’t have it be private I must share it with the world. I mean sure you could be normal and just inform people of big stuff like graduating, getting married, losing weight or running a marathon.Or you could just talk about normal happy stuff like a day trip you took. But why cover that when you could let the world know you took a dump and it was shaped like a tower.

      In all seriousness though I agree. People are nasty over sharers today and I don’t care how much people say, “well just take it off your facebook feed”. The point is you shouldn’t be talking abut poop, vomit, really gross child birth stories that go in real detail (I’m talking real nasty details here) on facebook. It is the equivalent of sitting in a public restaurant and talking about nasty stuff while a room full of people tries to eat. Except in this case the room is a virtual room online full of old coworkers, relatives and old high school peers.

  • Darras

    No meat before twelve months, is that a thing? Over here they tell you to start shoving the meat in (ho ho!) from six months.

  • notorious

    Maybe “white chocolate” is what they called themselves when they were young and out trying to get guys at bars. Like their secret nickname for themselves when they were fun and not disgusting. That’s pretty bleak .

  • whiteroses

    My son has had various gastrointestinal adventures, which nobody has ever known about because— why? What conceivable reason would I have for posting any of that?
    Even a one year old deserves privacy.

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