I’m all for young love, but sometimes you can take your cheesy romantic notions and endlessly emotional adoration a little too far. If you don’t agree with me, you probably will after you check out this real-life Romeo, this caring Casanova, this way-too-cheesy-for-his-own-good Prince Charming in need of a wife.

Okay, the story goes a little something like this. Prince Charming had some beautiful, romantic thoughts in the privacy of his own head. But instead of realizing that he is a normal dude who has not yet been cast in a Disney movie, he decided to share his thoughts with the Internet rather than keeping them to himself, like every other Joe in the world.

He started by posting this Cheesy McCheese pic for his future wife:

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He also said the most cheese-tastic thing I have ever heard in my life:

I don’t know who you are yet.  I don’t know what you look like.  I don’t know the color of your eyes.  I don’t know the color of your skin.  I don’t know your name.  There are a lot of things that I don’t know about you, but there are a couple of things that I want you to know.

He followed up his stalker speak and heavy breathing with a comprehensive list of “atta girl” platitudes for his future wife that are kind of hard to understand because he is such an emotive dude. Don’t worry, I’ve interpreted them for you so you can learn to speak Prince Charming.

If you’re a parent, just know that super extra romantic guys are on the loose. Lock up your daughters, or you may have to spray this guy with a water bottle as he peers into your window and watches your daughter watch One Tree Hill at night.

Here’s what Prince Charming has to say about young love:

1. You’re Already Beautiful.

I look in your eyes and know that it’s true. God must have spent a little more time on you.

2. Keep your goodies in your basket.

Hide that light under a bushel, don’t give away the milk for free, and other annoying sayings about purity = I want your V Card all for myself, babe.

3. You’re a princess worth fighting for.

Because I am Prince Charming, duh. I can’t think of any other analogy besides, Princess.

4. Don’t settle for me, make me go to work.

Please lead me on and play games with me and send me vague texts because I like it. It hurts so good.

5. Our fairy tale will happen, but remember it doesn’t go from ‘once upon a time’ to ‘happy ever after.’ 

Once we get married, it probably won’t be that great. It helps if you know this in advance.

6. I don’t care who you were yesterday, I care who you are today and who you will be tomorrow. 

I’m giving you fair warning to get your shit together so that we can finally be together forever—even though I “haven’t met you yet.” Enjoy your One Tree Hill, I heard this episode is really suspenseful…