• Fri, Mar 14 - 10:40 am ET

Lock Up Your Daughters: This Cheesy Letter From Prince Charming To His Future Wife Is Out Of Control

I’m all for young love, but sometimes you can take your cheesy romantic notions and endlessly emotional adoration a little too far. If you don’t agree with me, you probably will after you check out this real-life Romeo, this caring Casanova, this way-too-cheesy-for-his-own-good Prince Charming in need of a wife.

Okay, the story goes a little something like this. Prince Charming had some beautiful, romantic thoughts in the privacy of his own head. But instead of realizing that he is a normal dude who has not yet been cast in a Disney movie, he decided to share his thoughts with the Internet rather than keeping them to himself, like every other Joe in the world.

He started by posting this Cheesy McCheese pic for his future wife:

photo-on-3-11-12-at-9-36-pm-2

brettshoemaker.me

He also said the most cheese-tastic thing I have ever heard in my life:

I don’t know who you are yet.  I don’t know what you look like.  I don’t know the color of your eyes.  I don’t know the color of your skin.  I don’t know your name.  There are a lot of things that I don’t know about you, but there are a couple of things that I want you to know.

He followed up his stalker speak and heavy breathing with a comprehensive list of “atta girl” platitudes for his future wife that are kind of hard to understand because he is such an emotive dude. Don’t worry, I’ve interpreted them for you so you can learn to speak Prince Charming.

If you’re a parent, just know that super extra romantic guys are on the loose. Lock up your daughters, or you may have to spray this guy with a water bottle as he peers into your window and watches your daughter watch One Tree Hill at night.

Here’s what Prince Charming has to say about young love:

1. You’re Already Beautiful.

I look in your eyes and know that it’s true. God must have spent a little more time on you.

2. Keep your goodies in your basket.

Hide that light under a bushel, don’t give away the milk for free, and other annoying sayings about purity = I want your V Card all for myself, babe.

3. You’re a princess worth fighting for.

Because I am Prince Charming, duh. I can’t think of any other analogy besides, Princess.

4. Don’t settle for me, make me go to work.

Please lead me on and play games with me and send me vague texts because I like it. It hurts so good.

5. Our fairy tale will happen, but remember it doesn’t go from ‘once upon a time’ to ‘happy ever after.’ 

Once we get married, it probably won’t be that great. It helps if you know this in advance.

6. I don’t care who you were yesterday, I care who you are today and who you will be tomorrow. 

I’m giving you fair warning to get your shit together so that we can finally be together forever—even though I “haven’t met you yet.” Enjoy your One Tree Hill, I heard this episode is really suspenseful…

You can reach this post's author, Bethany Ramos, on twitter.
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  • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter
    • Valerie

      This made me laugh way too hard.

  • Megan Zander

    Monday’s headline: “Online Romeo courting Duggar Daughter.” But not Ginger. She’s way too smart to fall for this. #freeGinger

    • Valerie

      Um, excuse me, its Jinger. With a J. Pronounced like the spice, not like Ringer.

    • Bic

      I feel like a light bulb has gone on over my head. I’ve only ever seen her name in type and always thought it was odd she’d got a stripperish/toxic spirit name.

    • Life-Sized Mommy

      #Jinger

    • Megan Zander

      Ah yes, the J thing, how could I forget. Editing. Thanks!

    • Valerie

      You forgot because spelling it with a J is fucking ridiculous. :-)

    • http://mother--bored.tumblr.com/ Aimee Ogden

      Spelling it with a “g” would make the name contain the word “gin”, and drinking is a sin, soooooo. *clucks disapprovingly at you at your hedonistic pro-gin lifestyle*

    • darras

      Spelling it with a J always makes me think it sounds like Jing, like jingle-bells. It wasn’t until I gave the show a (10 minute before I died inside) try that I realised they meant Ginger! Holy crap was she lucky she isn’t with a name like that ;)

  • courtroom brown

    It seems weird to use the ONE creepy Stefan picture when there are DOZENS and DOZENS of creepy Damon pictures out there. Just sayin’.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      HAHAHAHAHAHA

  • Kendra

    Is this guy’s mom the one who created the “Rules for dating my son” thing? I’m willing to bet yes…

    • Bethany Ramos

      Please no!!

  • pixie

    lol what? A wee bit creepy. And level 500 cheesy.
    I guess at least he can spell?

  • Jell

    I am the least romantic person I know and I’m just glad I’m not the only one who finds this eye-gougingly embarrassing. Can this level of cluelessness and sappiness exist in one person? Are we sure this isn’t just brilliant satire? Or something? Please?

    • Bethany Ramos

      I can only hope!!

  • MT

    “I don’t care who you were yesterday, so long as you weren’t having sex with anyone that isn’t me. Because THAT’S mine.”

    *shudders*

  • Valerie

    This guy is just all that is Douche.

  • Guest

    Ugh.

  • loser_sneeze
    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      OMG, Asians DO look alike!

  • http://mother--bored.tumblr.com/ Aimee Ogden
  • Alex Lee

    This guy reminds me of another story from NPR.

    An Asian couple, unfamiliar with western medicine, are in a family planning clinic. They are there for birth-control.

    The clinician presents the couple with some birth-control pills.

    The man, who feels he should bear the responsibility of birth-control and take this hardship off of his wife, volunteers to take the pills himself.

    Sometimes, we try too hard.

  • Lackadaisical

    So very, very creepy. Also proof behind any “I bet you say that to all the girls” as nothing revoltingly soppy a person says to you means anything if he said it all and stored the evidence before he met you so that he could be prepared on the off chance that he will one day love someone.

  • chisai

    It’s not cheesy to me, it’s scary. It’s a perfect example of “dream girl” fetishization, impossible standards + no personal responsibility, with a huge heaping dose of sexism, rape culture-perpetuation and concern trolling…but really Eve’s Cinderella gif says it all haha

    • SarahJesness

      This dude pretty much wants a manic pixie dream girl, it sounds like.

  • AP

    This kid needs to stop watching How I Met Your Mother. Ted Moseby is not a role model.

    And also, I bet he’s just a sleaze using this to score with stupid girls who don’t know any better. I met a ton of guys like this in college. One was a borderline date rapist. They ended up being my Arch Nemeses for the remainder of college, since I refused to a) treat them like human beings whenever I ran into them or b) hook up with them.

  • NotTakenNotAvailable

    A few paragraphs triggered such an unpleasant parallel to my life that I can’t even go on snark-mode and am instead forced into rant-mode. An excerpt: “Prince Charming doesn’t just walk up to the castle doors, spit a little game, and off they go to happy ever after. You’re a PRINCESS. You’re worthy of a fight.”

    Here’s my problem with this–my personal experience has been that if you (i.e., “Prince Charming”) have to put up a fight, it’s because “your” “princess” IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Sometimes no means no, and sometimes no means fuck right off, I never want to see you again. Now, why this hit such a nerve for me at this particular point in my life is that a man I had hoped would become a good platonic friend in spite of a rocky beginning (that is to say, he apparently had a life-threatening crush on me) is still hopeful that there might be something less-than-platonic (I say “less than” because for me, platonic is the ideal…romance isn’t my thing) in the future, in spite of the fact that I have explained in no uncertain terms, on *at least* two separate occasions, that I I do not want any sort of physical or romantic relationship with ANYONE, but especially not him. But since there’s that prevalent attitude that if a woman says “no,” it just means you’re not trying hard enough…suffice to say I’ll need to cut off all contact with him.

    To put it in terms “Prince Charming” here can understand, maybe that “princess” (ugh) likes her tower. Maybe she’s got a fantastic library up there, and the tower’s within her favorite Chinese delivery place’s ten-mile radius even when you factor in vertical feet. If you have to fight that hard, you’ve already lost, son.

    [End rant]

    • Byron

      I think the prevalent notion is that you don’t know what you want and once you simply let that person do all the wonderful things he has in his mind that your life will actually improve. The notion basically says that you don’t know what you need, just what you want, and that if one person genuinely cares that much, it can’t possibly lead to anything negative as the motivating force behind it is the most positive thing ever.

      As someone who also is reminded of a real life parallel (this time by your response, funnily enough) I’ll have to inform you that it is highly insulting to dismiss that most intense of love and affection someone has for you. You can’t buy that. Not for all the money in the world. Genuine love is the best thing in the world and you are fortunate to have someone who honestly (from your account, I don’t know the guy lol) feels this way towards you. Even if you may think you don’t want it out of whatever reasons, ultimately such a force for good can’t not have a positive outcome.

      No means no but no doesn’t magically shut off ones emotions nor does logic. Emotions are illogical by definition. You can’t expect just because someone understand how you feel that he’ll magically press a button and be ok with it. Sometimes you have nothing left other than just banging your head against the wall and hoping you’ll put a dent in before you break.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      “The notion basically says that you don’t know what you need, just what you want, and that if one person genuinely cares that much, it can’t possibly lead to anything negative as the motivating force behind it is the most positive thing ever.” — To paraphrase as I understood it, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

      “I’ll have to inform you that it is highly insulting to dismiss that most intense of love and affection someone has for you.” — I’ll have to inform you that it is highly insulting of you and the dude-bro referenced in my original comment to dismiss my feelings, or lack thereof, for him. Love and respect cannot ever be forced, and to think that this guy, or any guy, is entitled to either makes me positive I’ll never feel the former for him or the latter for you.

      “Genuine love is the best thing in the world…” Well, I suppose I do get fulfillment from writing, filmmaking, skiing, hiking, and spending time with family and friends, all of which I love in a completely nonsexual way, but if you’re referring to the romantic sort of love popularized by Disney and rom-coms, I can refer you to my blog or this wiki (http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Aromantic) for an explanation of why your “best thing in the world” is highly subjective.

      “…you are fortunate to have someone who honestly…feels this [love] towards you.” — Why, exactly? As stated previously, I have absolutely no interest in the kind of relationship this guy wants from anybody, and I’ll refer you again to the AVEN site (http://www.asexuality.org/home/) if this concept is too hard for you to grasp.

      “Even if you may think you don’t want it out of whatever reasons, ultimately such a force for good can’t not have a positive outcome.” — Holy fuck. Why is this suddenly veering into rape apologist territory? Where the hell did you get this sudden insight into my thoughts that apparently gives you a better read of them than I have (or is there another way to interpret “you may *think* you don’t want it” that I’m somehow missing here)? I can assure you that I don’t merely THINK I don’t want it, but even if thoughts somehow always contradicted desires, it wouldn’t matter. I am the only one to have the final decision over my actions and interactions, not you or dude-bro or anyone else. Me.

      “You can’t expect just because someone understand how you feel that he’ll magically press a button and be ok with it.” — No, but I can expect that, after I have made my intentions blatantly clear twice, that dude-bro or whoever else has received such a blow will take whatever steps are necessary to lick their wounds in the short term and ultimately move on in the long term. If that meant he needed to keep his distance after the first time I made it clear that his interests and mine were not at the level, he should have done so, rather than give me the impression he was open to pursuing a purely platonic relationship.

      It sounds like you were on the wrong end of an unrequited crush. It sucks, I know. But it sounds like you need to focus your energies on recovering from the blow rather than ordering strangers on the internet to completely reorient their feelings.

    • Byron

      I agree that you never know and that there’s no guarantee that the good intentions will have a good result but I also can’t see a better think to take a bet with and see how it ends up either.

      I’m not dismissing your feelings, I’m just saying that feelings can change. That you don’t feel one way right now doesn’t mean that you’ll always feel the same. It’s childish to act like you’ll always be the same or have the same views.

      Romantic love doesn’t even need to be sexual in nature really. What you do doesn’t differ from what you’d do with a best friend. Sex is just a way of expressing it, it’s not the only way. I don’t know where you saw me claim that. I’m not saying that I’m not interested, I’m just saying that it’s a different subject and you’re conflating the two which is a mistake in my eyes.

      I don’t know how rape has anything to do with the fact that sometimes people want things that aren’t that good for them and sometimes people don’t want things that are good for them ,which was what I was explaining.

      Maybe he tried being platonic but found himself unable to and hoped you’d have changed your feelings or something, I don’t know.

      As for my personal story, nah, it was requited, though it ended up badly due to distance. Ultimately, as you read something which prompted you to go on the above rant, I also ended up reading something that made me feel like explaining a couple of things whose misunderstanding irked me.

    • NotTakenNotAvailable

      I get the feeling you and I aren’t even on the same plane of existence. “[I]t’s better to take a bet”…? There’s no bet here. As far as my (lack of) feelings for him are concerned, this would be like taking my entire life savings and staking it on the Cubs winning the World Series this year–in other words, no circumstances exist in which such a future would even be conceivable.

      Again, I must encourage you to really read through the AVEN site (linked above). You say feelings can change; I am living proof that there are people who don’t HAVE those feelings in the first place. I am incapable of changing my feelings for him because changing said feelings would require the capacity to make that change in the first place.

      It also seems you and I have a different idea of things that are “good for” certain people. Romantic relationships are not good for me. I don’t like feeling crowded, and I have a violent temper that I’m all too happy to act on when in close proximity to another person for too long. A situation such as the one you appear to be proposing could easily end up with dude-bro in the hospital and me in jail. I fail to see how that in any way resembles a good thing. My own knowledge of myself aside, who are you to determine what is and isn’t good for individuals besides yourself?

      Maybe romantic love =/= sexual love in your eyes, but I know it does in dude-bro’s. I loathe physical intimacy, so I can assure you that I do not make physical contact with my platonic friends any more than I have to. Going by the opinions of most people I’ve discussed the subject with, romantic relationships seem to involve at least a modicum of physicality, the very thought of which nauseates me. So no, it does not seem possible for dude-bro and I to reconcile our ideals of what love and relationships entail.

      I’m also really fucking sick of people (all men, in my case, though I’m sure there are women who pull this crap too) who continue a supposedly platonic relationship with the primary goal of getting the other person to change their mind. See above for why, in my particular case, it’s a steaming crock of shit to believe that, although one also does not need to be aromantic or asexual to know their own mind on matters.

      I’m also not clear as to where this “misunderstanding” lies, particularly as you responded to my comment first, not the other way around. All that I’m seeing is you trying to fit a square peg in a round hole wherein I am the peg and your own personal notion of human relationships, romance, and sexuality is the hole. Hate to break it to ya, son, but not everybody views and interacts with the world the exact same way you do, and there’s no way to make them.

  • rrlo

    In all honesty, I can see some of my male friends reading this article and concluding “see women don’t want nice guys.” I love it when people mistake self-absorbed, douche baggery for Romance.

  • Rachel Sea

    Way to be proactive dude! Most dominant douchebags guys wait until they are dating a girl before they start telling her what to do and how to behave.

    • Ro

      He’s been laying in bed at night stressing out about what kind of trouble his future bride might be getting into. Is she being a whore?? Oh no, oh no!! How can I control her when I haven’t met her yet? Wait, I think I have an idea…

  • Taxes Make Kittens Cry
    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      Actually, the dude might be onto something. I’m gonna start doing this for everyone in my life:

      To my future waiter: “Your service will be excellent”

      To my future grocery bagger: “You are excellent at separating the soft groceries from the hard ones.”

      To my future highway patrol officer who will pull me over: “WTF did I do wrong bitch?”

    • Megan Zander

      My OCD gets twitchy when they don’t separate the hard groceries from the soft. I always want to do it myself, but I don’t want to be responsible for some teenager losing his job.

    • pixie

      It’s really hard to find places that will bag your groceries for you where I am. At some places the cashiers will bag your groceries, but a lot of places it seems like they’re in a rush to get through everyone. I do understand when stores are busy and there’s lineups, but I’ve had cashiers start shoving other people’s stuff right up next to mine when there’s a completely free other area while I’m trying to bag things as fast as I can.

      I don’t mind bagging my own groceries, I just don’t like to feel rushed and like I’m in the way.

    • SarahJesness

      I usually do the self checkout when I’m at Wal-Mart. It’s just faster.

    • Williwaw

      To mu future on-line stalker: You will stop stalking me now and get a life.

  • darras

    “I will find you” lol! Perfect gif ending :D

  • Afton

    My basket full of goodies is going to be very safe from him.

  • SarahJesness

    Oh, lord. He sounds like one of those guys who wants a manic pixie dream girl kind of girlfriend.