• Thu, Mar 13 - 11:00 am ET

10 Easter Outfits You Couldn’t Pay Me To Put My Kids In

easter-clothes-for-kids

Easter is right around the corner, which means parents country-wide are buying horrifying ensembles to put on their children because they don’t want their kids to grow up to lead healthy, productive lives. The fastest way to ensure that your kid will never amount to anything is to insist on seasonal costumes for every season. If you don’t have a special child-sized fedora for Groundhog Day, I don’t even want to talk to you.

I’m home in California this week, meaning I’m staying with my parents and cleaning out “my junk” (mostly holiday costumes that I did not buy) from their various storage closets. I’ve been reminiscing with my mom about our own Easter celebrations over the years, which ranged from eating Easter candy until I threw up gleefully, trying to organize an Easter egg hunt but getting into a fight with my sister about placement (we hid the eggs, my parents were supposed to find them. I don’t get it either, but it was apparently my idea), and going to an actual organized Easter egg hunt in Huntington Beach that involved more than one full sized grown up wearing Easter Bunny costumes. They walked around so slowly, like zombie bunnies. Unrelatedly, I spent a lot of time in therapy in the years following.

For me, Easter was less faith-based (as my interfaith family had a loose interpretation of the religious meaning behind holidays), although I was always hyper aware of the religious aspect for my grandparents and mom. I lucked out and didn’t have to do much in terms of thinking about heavy questions or having faith, but got to eat candy and cry over adults in bunny suits. Best of both worlds.

Like any holiday, Easter is filled with assorted detritus that people slap price tags on and say “you should put this on your kid for a more fun/holy/better-than-your-neighbor” holiday. I made my mom look through it all with me, and asked her if she’d put this stuff on me as a kid. I haven’t heard her say no so many times since I asked her about that lip piercing I really, really wanted around 2005.

Here’s 10 Easter outfits you couldn’t pay me to put on my future children, regardless of how much I may love Easter.

1. This stupid vest and hat combo.

easter outfit for boys

Photo: Oriental Trading

Well isn’t this just fit for a future yachtsman. If I wanted my son to feel comfortable making racist comments to the help, I would have just taught him poor ethics and entitlement. Oh, the total cost of this is $95.99.

2. This stupid apron with a dumb pun

egg apron

Photo: Oriental Trading

“Eggs-pert” is a really stupid pun and teaches kids to spell poorly and make bad jokes. Now your kid is barely literate and not even a little bit funny, and what’s the point of resurrection if your kid can’t read all the hilarious Bible stories like Leviticus.

3. This historically confusing Joseph costume

joseph costume

Photo: Oriental Trading

I consulted with my Catholic mother, who confirmed that Joseph was not present at the death or resurrection of Jesus. He was present at the Nativity, which was Jesus’ first birthday. This is basically like having a birthday party at a funeral, which is only okay if the funeral coincides with some idiots’ birthday, who insisted on being celebrated at someone else’s funeral. If you can’t have your funeral all to yourself, what can you have?

4. This girls’ outfit designed by the world’s most boring amateur seamstress

girls easter dress

Photo: Sears

I would never put my kid in this outfit unless she was dressing up as Laura Ingalls Wilder, because I’m a really loving person with a moral compass. This is Duggar lingerie, if I’m understanding their whole courting thing correctly. I guess it works for the Duggars, since that Duggar matriarch has had intercourse at least 20 times.

5. This vintage ensemble

ugly easter outfit 2

Photo: Amazon

For the future Motherboy attendee. The mom will dress like a suffragette, and they’ll dance the Charleston in a hotel convention room.

6. These glasses

jesus is the reason for the season

Photo: Oriental Trading

I don’t object to the religious nature of these, although the whole “Jesus is the reason for the seaons” pisses me off as someone who loves all holidays without having much love for Jesus. Either way, I’d never put my kids in these ridiculous glasses, even if I were trying to raise them with Christianity. I’m not really sure about the connection between silly glasses and religion is, but I decided to go to the expert. Dispatch from my Easter-celebrating mother: “Why would you have cardboard in the glasses with nothing in the eyeholes? That’s what I want to know.”

7. This horrifying face mask

rabbit nose mask

Photo: Amazon

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

8. This embellished diaper DIY

bunny diaper

Photo: Pinterest

You know your kid would just shit all over that, right? I mean quite literally, that diaper you would work tirelessly on to embellish would just be a decorated poop carrier.

9. This chauvinist-in-training shirt

Photo: Pinterest

Photo: Pinterest

There is literally nothing more Easter-y on this planet than teaching your kids to call women “chicks.” He is truly risen!

10. Any Easter bonnet, ever.

Fuck your goddamn Easter bonnet. Fuck it straight to hell.

Photo: Wallenrock/Shutterstock

You can reach this post's author, Julia Sonenshein, on twitter.
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  • chickadee

    Just to be clear, that baby is wearing a bunny-tail cover over his diaper; that mom didn’t pin the tail on a poop container.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      SEMANTICS

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      Still too close for the feces 4 me

    • Valerie

      Agreed. I see that pouf and just thing of shitty dingleberries stuck to it.

    • chickadee

      NOT. No one (apart from maybe a fratboy) would be dumb enough to spend time decorating something that was just going to get covered in shit.

    • Kat

      I really liked it, and went to pinterest to find it. Broken link :(

      [hides under a chair]

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      Instructions:

      1. get fluffy thingy
      2. get stapler
      3. staple fluffy thingy to diaper
      4. apply Neosporin + Bandaid to baby’s bleeding ass.

  • keelhaulrose

    I thought the dress was kind of cute…
    Though, after my daughter and her cousins decided to strip last year I’m not going for modest, I’m going for out of reach and/or complicated buttons.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      basically, naked easter is the best

    • keelhaulrose

      And we wouldn’t have been the wiser if one of the cousins had problems getting his tie off and came out of the playroom for help.
      Luckily we had enough wine at that point it was funny instead of mortifying.

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      You should all post selfies.

    • Valerie

      You first.

    • kay

      there’s a glorious picture of me age 4, naked as can be, wearing my easter bonnet and gorging on my basket of candy. it’s how i’d still celebrate easter today if I could.

      (i can’t find a bonnet in my size, and it’s not the same without one is it?)

    • Valerie

      I think this may become my new Easter ritual. Naked, save for my bonnet, with a basket of candy betwixt my legs. Oh, and Game of Thrones will be on that night so, even better.

    • http://Mommyish.com/ Eve Vawter

      I am so down with this entire plan

    • Allyson_et_al

      Naked Passover is better– you can always blame the wine.

    • Ddaisy

      I also thought the dress was adorable. I’d wear that.

    • pixie

      You could always put the kids in straightjackets and place bets on which one escapes first.

    • keelhaulrose

      Those little delinquents picked a lock to get to a room with soda. I would put nothing past them.

  • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

    2. What’s wrong with dumb puns? :(

    Although I admit I get into some harey situations with mods over it. I mean, they’re just good humor yokes, you know? I dunno, I find them bunny.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      MARRY ME.

    • Valerie

      You should change your screenname to Uncle Vito. Just sayin.

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      Are you saying I’m a convicted sex offender?

      >:(

    • Valerie

      Nooooo like my cheesy old uncle I told you about. The one with the bad puns?

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      Oh good, not the one from Jackass… :D

  • pixie

    That mask is terrifying. The stuff of nightmares.

    • Lilly

      rabbit costumes always make me think of the Donnie Darko rabbit — basically Easter has been ruined for me.
      As a side question, is it really common in the US to go and see the “Easter Bunny” at malls, I have seen a lot of references since the internet thing came about but I have never heard of or known about this as a child — it is definitely not a thing in Canada.

      http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m45j6x2X6c1r1ybqso1_1280.jpg

    • pixie

      I don’t know, because I’m Canadian, too, and never went to get my picture taken with the Easter Bunny. :P

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      Worse yet, you had to learn French! :(

    • pixie

      lol French wasn’t THAT bad and you only have to take it until grade 9. Well, I have to do a proficiency test for my degree at a bilingual university, but it’s super simple apparently :P

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      And you know… it’s not real bacon! >:(

    • pixie

      It’s the BEST bacon!

    • Valerie

      It is glorified ham, at best. I’m so sorry to break it to you.

    • pixie
    • Valerie

      Hmm…my BFF is Canadian. I will ask her to have her mom bring some with her next time she visits. I just can’t even say anything until I taste it because I have trouble believing it could top the ‘Merica version.

    • pixie

      lol I’m just a lover of all bacon. The standard, “‘Merica Version” bacon is what I have in my fridge right now because it’s way cheaper to buy.

    • pixie

      Though I’m not very picky about my bacon.

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry
    • Lilly

      I am pretty certain that it is impossible to put an adult in a bunny rabbit costume and not have some aspect of it look creepy (yes even the playboy ones) — no other costume seems to have this universal effect

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      Clowns!

      (I hate clowns…)

    • Valerie

      That is one Stabbity bunny. I would fear for my life.

    • Lee

      I love these pictures so much.

    • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

      LOL I thought that looked familiar

    • SmrtGrl86

      That fucker is gonna give me nightmares!

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      YOU STAND CORRECTED – this was in Toronto. Walking home one day, my wife, kid and I came across a random bunny. I think it might’ve been part of an easter promotion at the bank, but nonetheless, adult-size bunnies are inherently CREEPY AS FUCK.

  • http://mother--bored.tumblr.com/ Aimee Ogden

    WWJD? Not pin a hat covered in plastic grass to his head, that’s for damn sure.

  • Tinyfaeri

    Aw, I was just looking for a cheap, creepy bunny costume for my almost 2 year old.

    • Valerie

      Keep looking! I think it’s adorable!

    • Julia Sonenshein

      Oh, i found some creepy cheap ones I’ll drop links in here later!

    • Tinyfaeri

      YAY!

  • Bethany Ramos

    Ha ha I think I wore number five to a club once to be ironic or clever or something. Didn’t work out as I planned.

  • http://www.ambiencechaser.com/ Elizabeth Licata

    I’m pretty sure the only logical reason to have children is to be able to dress them up in things like the vintage ensemble in #5.

    • chickadee

      Your friendly neighborhood hipsterbaby is buying that RIGHT NOW. All it needs to make it perfect is a monocle.

    • ted3553

      I love that cute little outfit and have actually said that I’m going to dress my son in whatever I want until he’s old enough to tell me what he wants. I’ve been restrained but I love a good sweater vest and if he didn’t have a melon the size of a grown adults, I’d have stuck a newsboy cap on him too.

    • her7

      Um yes, silly/cute/bizarre outfits are the only reason to have kids, right? I believe that is what I was told.

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      HA! You have a large headed child, too? I used to love those cute baby outfits that came with a hat. Outfit–perfect fit.. Hat— no effing way.

    • Hyperbolme

      Thank you, I bought #5 for my son in November for a relative’s wedding. He was a HIT. Particularly when he ripped off the bow tie and hat and threw them in the fountain. I have a little picture of him curled up, stains all over the little shirt and knee socks slouching around his ankles. The outfit was worth every penny.

  • TwentiSomething Mom

    I actually think some of these are great. When kids are 4 and under you can get away with putting them in outfits like that. Any bigger its not cute anymore.

  • rrlo

    You’re sucking half the fun out of having babies by banning these costumes! Baby must be dressed up in ridiculous outfits for various holidays. That is the way of the world – don’t mess with it :P.

    • Julia Sonenshein

      You’re sucking all the fun out of me sucking all the fun out of everything!!

    • rrlo

      Touche!

  • Valerie

    I think I will show up to the egg hunt wearing this:

    • TheGiantPeach

      Eek. Never. Sleeping. Again.

    • jane

      Invite MEEEE!

  • Kristen

    I like #1. sorrynotsorry.

    • Anon

      I LOVE #1 (and 5).

  • TheGiantPeach

    Kids LOVE stuff like those crappy paper sunglasses, and you will just be the “mean mom” if you won’t let them wear them. The more stupid and pointless an item, the more kids will want it. It’s the way of the world.

    • Emily A.

      I was wondering if those are the kind with clear plastic lenses that actually have diffractors in them, so all lights look like rainbows.

  • GUEST

    I agree with you, except for #1 and #8. SO CUTE!!!!

  • Rachel Sea

    There is a great picture of me at about 7 years old, dressed in a lavender polyester plush bunny suit. “If looks could kill,” doesn’t cover the level of disgust showing on my face.

  • AugustW

    Easter last year. :D

  • itpainsme2say

    #1 I’m in love with the snark and #4 I was going to say the Duggers had sex at least 21 times because 19 kids and two miscarriages (Caleb and Jubilee) but then I remembered John David and Janna are twins.