• Thu, Mar 13 - 3:00 pm ET

10 Jesus Pop Song Lyrics Will Guarantee Your Kids Won’t Go To Hell

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I have a vivid memory of singing praise songs in youth group in middle school. As with any nondenominational, evangelical church in South Texas in the 90s, the youth group was all about being “cool” and “rad” and “teen-friendly.”

How did they accomplish this, you ask? How did my youth group get asses in the seats? Well, it wasn’t with purity pledges or discipleship classes, though those happened with regular frequency. It was with ultra-clever Jesus lyrics substituted into our favorite pop songs so that we could praise with abandon and without guilt. Totes genius.

I am still a Christian, so I’m not making fun of Christians. I’m just making fun of organized religion that can’t seem to think outside of the box. I also don’t appreciate getting brainwashed into thinking that regular music is of the devil, but thank God we had these Jesus pop songs to see us through.

If you think my experience is unique, it isn’t. My husband went to a different Baptist Church in South Texas in the 90s and provided me with all of his Jesus pop songs to compare with my own. For your enjoyment and to guarantee your kids won’t go to hell, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list. Make sure to hack into your kid’s iPod and swap out Miley Cyrus with the Blurred Lines Christian Remix to save their soul.

NOTE: Some of these songs may be dated, but I was a teenager in the 90s, people! What more do you want from me?

1. Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama

Sweet home up in heaven, where the sky is so blue. Sweet home up in heaven, Lord, I’m coming home to you.

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2. The Beatles: Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds
Jesus in the sky with angels, Jesus in the sky with angels, Ahhhhh.

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3. The Proclaimers: I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
But I would walk five hundred miles… Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles, FOR THE LORD.

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4. Gavin DeGraw: I Don’t Want To Be
I don’t want to be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately. All I have to do is think of the Lord, and I have peace of mind.

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5. Ozzy Osbourne: Mama, I’m Coming Home
As a teen, my husband was the pastor’s kid who sang this sweet classic rock jam for the Mother’s Day church service (with a few lyric changes).
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6. Celine Dion: Because You Loved Me
My husband decided to kiss even more ass at church by singing this pop ballad to lead a worship service. #forthelord
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And for the modern youth groups…

7. Cee Lo Green: Forget You Christian Remix
You see me driving round town screaming God is love, and I can’t forget you.

8. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis: Thrift Shop Christian Remix

I’m going to go to church, only got 20 minutes till the service.

9. Robin Thicke: Blurred Lines Christian Remix

He came to liberate you, from all those sins that chain you, oh yes, He is your maker.

10. Nicki Minaj: Super Praise

Can’t you hear that boom, baboom, boom, boom, baboom, boom (Can’t you hear that super praise).

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  • Kheldarson

    I thought I was the only one who encountered this! Good to know it’s definitely a thing. :)

    I always thought it was a pretty fun and creative way of getting people to church.

  • Lee

    I never experience this but I was involved in a energy awareness group as a kid where we sang rewritten songs about energy. My favorite was to Ace of Base’s I Saw the Sign.

    “Coal, coal is an old fuel. It’s made from many things, like peat and moss, that were abundant for so many years!”

    • Bethany Ramos

      Hahahahaha A friend of mine in middle school sang Rape Me as a farewell song to a teacher, but it was teach me instead…

    • Lee

      Ha! I would have loved to see the look on the teacher’s face.

  • Alex Lee

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNC2b6O7a6w

    “Big Buddha Bitches”

    because Zen.

  • keelhaulrose

    Nothing says “love the lord” by taking a questionable rape-anthem and adding in Jesus.
    Did Cartman happen to write any of these?

    • LiteBrite

      Ha! I said something similar. :)

    • chickadee

      We may not agree about Texas, but apparently we both agree on Faith +1. :)

    • chickadee

      Yeah, just replace “baby” with “Jesus,” and watch the money roll in. That was what I came here to say, but you beat me to it.

      http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s07e09-christian-rock-hard

    • chickadee

      It’s amazing how prescient SP was — Cartman conflates “loving Christ” with “being IN LOVE with Christ,” and I have seen lots of fb statuses that say the owner is in love with Christ. Cree. py.

  • LiteBrite

    Wasn’t there a “South Park” episode where Cartman started some Christian boy band, and he said all you have to do is replace lyrics with “Baby” in them to “Jesus.” Like, “Baby baby baby I love you so much” to “Jesus Jesus Jesus I love you so much.”

    • Megan Zander

      Hahahaha! Yes! And he gets all defensive when they interview him. Faith +1 was the band name.

    • Bethany Ramos

      I am DYING. Hahahah.

    • keelhaulrose

      Best part of the episode was when he lost the bet because Christian Rock Bands don’t get platinum albums, they get frankincense and myrrh.

    • Megan Zander

      YES!

    • keelhaulrose
  • Snarktopus

    Wat.

  • Jem

    There actually is a thing among fundie christians where they remake popular songs to make them “better”. I belonged to a christian bible study group in college that for the most part had rational, sane people, but then there were the few who would only listened to these altered songs. I can only remember that one was “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry but sung by a boy because that instantly makes it better. The other one I remember was “Baby Got Book” ( The hook was NIV with the ribbon book mark). I’m pretty sure that one is on youtube. Also, if you’ve never youtubed “Jesus is a friend of mine” you NEED TO

    • Bethany Ramos

      Lolllll

  • Valerie

    Being from the heathen north, I had no idea groups like this even existed for teens. I am fascinated. Someone seriously thought to Jesus up a Nicki Minaj song? Please, tell me more.

  • Jell

    I cannot lie, this is probably my least favorite part of popular Christian culture. Even growing up I preferred to keep my rock music separate from my gospel music. I did have a brief flirtation with Christian ska and as a kid I loved Carmen (still do, don’t tell anyone) but modern Christian music never otherwise did it for me and changing the lyrics to popular songs always seemed a step in an even worse direction– a violation of the music’s own inherent secular charm. I remember at youth group hearing them do Fatboy Slim’s “Praise You” (how imaginative) and then one of the singers remarking how great it would be if Fatboy Slim had realized what a wonderful opportunity this would be to make the song about Jesus. Pretty sure Fatboy Slim never worried about how to incorporate Jesus into their music. Not really their job.
    Give me Matisyahu when I want to praise God and give me Ozzy when I want to rock out.

    • Bethany Ramos

      Carmen!!! He really was rad.

  • radicalhw

    I had no idea that Christian remixes were a thing. Now I’m gonna be stuck on YouTube all day! Thanks, I think

    • Bethany Ramos

      HINT – look for Christian Drunk in Love next… ;)

    • radicalhw

      Oh I did. And Gangnam Style (“Christian Style”) and Party Rock Anthem (“Praise Party Anthem”) and ….

    • Bethany Ramos

      LOL!

  • evilstepmom

    Don’t forget Amazing Grace to Smells Like Teen Spirit, or the Gilligan’s Island theme, or Peaceful Easy Feeling (my personal favorite).

    • Bethany Ramos

      HAHAHAH

  • SashaSue

    This is blasphemy. :(