75 Things On The Gay Agenda

Apparently, there is a gay agenda. I always thought it was equality, but according to many very dumb people – it’s not. It’s making everyone else gay, especially our children. Then we can all be gay together and do the gayest of gay things all the live-long day.

A discussion that started on a comment thread about the movie Frozen making all of our kids gay inspired us in the Mommyish offices to think of all the gay things that give us all the gay. As you can tell, it’s just a random list of every item we can think of. You may recognize some of your suggestions.Believing that certain things can “make” someone gay is the most ridiculous theory ever, followed by Intelligent Design. So basically this is just a random nonsense list. But listing these random things in random order for no apparent reason still makes more sense than claiming that anything on this planet turns someone into a homosexual.

1. My Little Pony

2. Painting lessons

3. Poetry

4. Pants

5. Ping-pong

6. Short Haircuts

7. Leadership roles

8. Self defense classes

9. Gay people

10. Pink anything

11. AC/DC

12. Showtunes

13. Nutella

14. Air

15. Breathing too much

16. Rizzo of Grease fame

17. San Francisco

18. Tight pants

19. Kilts

20. Shopping

21. Tulips

22. Delicious cheese

23. Reading

24. Crying

25. Quiche

26. Evolution

27. Soy

28. Rainbows

29. Jem

30. The Peanuts Gang

31. Dancing

32. Doc McStuffins

33. Juicy Fruit

34. The Shake Weight

35. iPod minis

36. Truth

37. Barbie’s cousin Skipper

38. Certain Pokemons, but just the gay ones

39. Having a mom who watches Ellen

40.  An early interest in decopauge

41.  Bert and Ernie

42. Not being potty trained by age three

43. Gay marriage

44. Schools that play ‘We Are The Champions’ during assemblies

45.  Little boys playing with dolls

46. The Boy Scouts

47. Glee

48. Kissing your kids too much

49: Spanking

50: Not spanking

51: Your son having long hair

52: Co-sleeping

53: The Sexy Skittles Walrus

54: Sheryl Sandberg

55: Swimming

56: Having a gay relative

57: Seeing gay people kiss

58: Baseball

59: Rainbows

60: Reruns of Hollywood Squares

61. Having Intellivision instead of Atari as your first gaming system

61. Owning an easy bake oven

62. Netflix

63. Separating the wafers while eating a Kit-Kat

64. Manscaping

65. Sun-in

66. The Secret

67. Mallowmars

68. She-Ra

69. Veggie lasagna

70. Garfield

71. Saying “totes” instead of totally

72. Mr. Universe

73. Feeding your cat people-food

74. Framing posters

75. Unicorns

 

You can reach this post's author, Maria Guido, on twitter.
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    • CMJ

      Did I miss Musicals? Cause those are definitely on the gay agenda. DUH.

      SHENANIGANS.

    • K.

      Wow, by all accounts, I should be gay.

      Oh wait, I forgot. I haven’t made the choice yet. So far, I’m leaning towards delicious cheese and Jem, but straight people have such a strong pitch with the whole “universally accepted” thing.

    • LiteBrite

      That “shake weight” GIF is pretty much the best thing I’ve ever seen.

    • pixie

      True story, first year of undergrad a number of people assumed I was a lesbian because I had a pixie cut. The awesome people who I became friends with didn’t judge me that way and just saw me as a female with short hair and didn’t make an assumption on my sexual orientation based on a dumb stereotype.

      And clearly the gay agenda has been ineffective on me. Maybe I’m just immune.

      • Taxes Make Kittens Cry

        I know a lot of people that’ll pay good money for that immunity!

      • Williwaw

        Haha, if there were an anti-gay vaccine, I bet there wouldn’t be a lot of antivaxxers…in fact, there’d probably be a contingent who insisted we all had to give our kids the antigay vax because of herd immunity.

      • JLH1986

        I played indoor soccer…and had a pixie cut. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time (I was a late bloomer in that department). Even my “friends” were mean about my hair cut! So I let my hair grow out (I still prefer short hair). Thankfully my husband doesn’t care how I wear my hair, because I will go in for a trim…and come out with a pixie.

      • pixie

        That’s kind of awful! But awesome that your husband doesn’t care. My boyfriend doesn’t care either, which is nice.

        I’m very temped to chop my hair off again, I get mad at it quite easily. I let it grow out so I could braid it and learn how to do fishtail braids and french braids, but I get hair EVERYWHERE now. It was so much easier when my hair was super short.

      • JLH1986

        I have fine hair. So when it reaches a certain length I look like I haven’t showered in days, when I showered that morning. It’s a weird length now because I’ve been letting it grow. But I get peeved and then just say “cut it off!” I rocked a cut like Ginnifer Goodwin for a while. My husband doesn’t seem to care, he has admitted he “prefers” longer hair, but he doesn’t get mad when I do anything (My hair is also usually some color of the rainbow as well) and when it’s short he touches it more. Not really an incentive for me to let it grow. I always think I want a ponytail…until I can get one…and then I remember how tender headed I am and cut it off! lol

      • pixie

        Ah, I have pretty fine hair, too, but my issue is a lack of volume. I can not wash my hair for several days and it still look clean, but trying to get any sort of volume is hell. I’ve finally got it to a decent length that I don’t have to use like fifty bobby pins to hold up all the layers for a ponytail, but I still can’t fishtail it. *sigh*

        When I was 13 I had hair down to my waist, but with martial arts it kept getting stepped on or caught under me if I was doing ground work, which led me to chop it off in the first place and discovered that short hair was a hell of a lot easier to deal with. lol

    • RayneofCastamere

      Hmm, I like most of this stuff and I’m still ace. Almost makes you think that the whole “conspiracy to turn people gay” or that you can change someone’s sexuality thing is complete bullshit, don’t it? Oh, wait. It is.

      With any luck, in a hundred years, all the homophobic, sexist, racist shit we deal with now will have gone the way of the dodo.

    • Mystik Spiral

      What about drag queens?

      My boyfriend LOVES drag queens. For serious. He is neither gay nor a cross-dresser, it’s just an art that he appreciates. He’s also been known to do some manscaping and fret over whether his “outfit” looks good… haha. He just cares about his appearance.

      Before I met him, he called in sick to work one day and went and saw Sex & the City 2 by himself. I guess he told his teenage daughter that, and she said “dad… is there something you need to tell me?”

      But I can attest the man is not gay. He just likes a lot of gay things. :)

      • keelhaulrose

        I love drag queens. Love ‘em to death.
        That said, I’m not sad to be done backstage at drag shows. I dabbled in drag in college, and helped run a few drag shows, and it was like a stereotype exploded at times. They queens were sweet, but I was once chastised because I fetched a candy apple red dress and not the fire engine red dress and I swear I couldn’t tell the difference.

    • Valerie

      Wrestling singlets should have made this list. What’s gayer than that?

    • Williwaw

      According to this list, I am totes gay. And now I want a grilled cheese sandwich.

      I love the GIF of the cat with its own teddy cat.

    • Kitsune

      I thought I was just bi but I like over half the list. Guess I’m totes the gay. My husband is too. Brb have to go break the news and find out where the meetings to discuss our agenda are.

    • jane

      The horribleness of 34 totally made me a lesbian, but I switched back at 64, so I guess that I’ve been right since I was about 17. Bisexual it is!

    • MellyG

      I’ve tried engaging in at least half of those things, and i still like dudes. Somethings not working. Damn it! I should try hanging out more with my gay friends, i haven’t caught the gay yet, or i’m just not worthy of being converted. Sad :(

    • ChelseaBFH

      You mean gay as in happy, right? Because in that case #22 makes me SUPER gay.

    • Tea

      Damn it, who leaked a copy?!

    • julesgilead

      the sexy skittles walrus is back, whoa yeah.

    • MLSKC

      Whoa, why do I still love the man stick? I love Garfield and musicals and cheese and unicorns and like 90% of this list. Maybe there’s some hope for my daughters-they both have short hair, and a gay grandma, and a healthy love of grilled cheese while watching Philemon.
      Edit: p o k e m o n. Stupid auto correct. Apparently it’s not converted either.

    • JustaGuest

      Wait, given that there was that whole “possibly being pregnant thing” with Rizxo, how is she part of the gay agenda?

      • pixie

        She’s got short hair, obviously that means she’s a lesbian. /sarcasm

    • amarie

      Can we have a gay party (like pox parties) and give everyone the gay? We can watch Greast and Hollywood squares on netflix and eat Mallomars and grilled cheese? I’ll wear tight pants. Because that sounds like fun.

      • Williwaw

        Only if you have My Little Pony door prizes.

    • SunnyD847

      Wait, how did Girl Scouts not make the list? You know we are minions of the gay agenda and our cookies are full of sinful deliciousness!

      • Bobs

        Girl scouts just support abortion (aka Planned Parenthood). Gays don’t usually need abortions, duh ;)

    • keelhaulrose

      Doc McStuffins is making kids gay? I’m going to have a couple lesbians on my hands…
      At least 16 and Pregnant won’t be showing up at my house!

    • Lackadaisical

      Things that actually cause gayness:

      Oxygen*

      *Disclaimer: In order to create gayness oxygen needs to react with the ingredient homosexuality. You will not be able to be sure that your child contains homosexuality until they have been through a high hormone dose of puberty, possibly longer if judgemental-parenting and unfair-guilt-tripping have been applied. Judgemental-parenting and unfair-guilt-tripping are not advised as they can have mentally and emotionally detrimental effects on your child. Gayness is a harmless condition and if combined with an application of acceptance and respect a child with gayness should go on to lead a happy and emotionally fulfilling life. Oxygen is also the active ingredient in more harmful conditions like judgemental-bigot and absolute-idiot but withholding a dose of oxygen is not advised. Acceptance and respect can also prevent cases of judgemental-bigot and absolute-idiot from forming in your child, but we also recommend a dose of education and the-world-does-not-revolve-around-me-and-people-like-me to be absolutely sure.

    • Alicia Kiner

      CREEPIEST GARFIELD EVERRRR!!!!

      and OMG JEM!! love!!

      the two I heard all the time when I was growing up… boys wearing earrings were gay, and boys who wore purple were gay.

      Now, why on Earth would ‘all the gays’ want ‘all the straights’ to become gay? Who wants everyone else to be just like them? You’d get lost in the crowd, and never have your own identity. Boring. Let people be themselves, don’t hurt anyone, and GET OVER YOURSELVES!!! jeesh

    • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

      So this article is hilarious and sarcastically delicious, but the preamble actually made me think of something interesting. My wife and I talked about this at one point – would we be disappointed if our kid turns out to be straight? I mean, the answer is obviously no – I’d be a fucking hypocrite to the nth degree, and I like dudes too so really, whatever.

      However, If I’m honest, I do hope that even if she is straight, she considers herself to be ‘culturally queer’. As in, I hope she grows up still feeling completely comfortable in queer spaces even if she’s completely straight. Does that make any sense?

      • pixie

        That makes total sense, at least the way I’m reading it.

        I’m completely straight, and wouldn’t be sexually intimate with another woman, but spending time with my queer friends in gay and lesbian bars, spending time in the university’s pride centre, being casually intimate with my straight, bi, and lesbian female friends (holding hands, hugging, kissing on the cheek, dancing with in bars…though I don’t really know if that’s considered a queer space), supporting my queer friends when they come out, I am completely comfortable doing any of those and have done all of those. Is that what you’re talking about? Correct me if I’m completely off the mark :)

      • http://www.twitter.com/ohladyjayne allisonjayne

        Yeah that’s what I mean I guess. All of my friends are either queer or allies – they might be straight, but wouldn’t think it was weird to go to a pride event, or going to a gay bar to celebrate a friend’s birthday, or participating in a fundraiser for a lgbt youth program, or whatever. I would hope that my kid – if straight – is the same way. That she’s a part of this community by virtue of having grown up in it and feels comfortable being a part of this community.

      • pixie

        I’m sure she will be. :)

      • Tinyfaeri

        Sounds like you want her to be a compassionate, friendly person who gets along with a wide variety of individuals regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or sex. Yup, you’re awful.

    • MegzWray

      Whelp, according to this list, I’m Here and I’m Queer! Shoulda known when I would bust ass to get home and watch She-Ra.

    • Jennifer Freeman

      Like many others, I am finding out, for the first time, that I’ve got the gay, thanks to this list. I’ve jokingly told my sister that I know all about her gay agenda, but apparently they somehow still got to me.

    • TwentiSomething Mom

      My son is going to be so totally gay because he turns 3 next week and is no where near potty trained.

    • Alex Lee

      Saliva. But only when swallowed in small quantities over an extended period of time.

      Also, rainbows was listed twice. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.